Sleep has eluded me
restlessness my friend
I keep hearing my voice
the panic arising in my chest
"I can't be stuck here!"
trapped here
falling victim to my own psychosis
what a devil you are
feeding on my insecurities
loneliness my enemy
kicking me while i'm down
searching for a remedy
a resemblance of peace
tranquility you bore me
I'd much rather fall
I've known this sensation
my entire life
I can handle it all

Foolish child
you are crumbling now
failing quicker than ever before
resisting solutions
to hide in conflict
this you cannot fix
there is no perfection
only deception

Tranquility
Closing in on me
Peace is not included
Darkness
Rushing over me
Sleep is escaping
Voices
Screaming out at me
Anger, fear, despair
Loneliness
******* me
Peeling away the facade
Reality
Crashing into me
Fantasies no longer in season
Silence
Laughing out at me
Piercing my heart
Reflection
Deception
Facing the truth
This is me….
Possibly….

the need to express
my unhappiness
mingled with my mask
of forged smiles
gifted to me
since i was a child
pretend to be
who they want to see
that's who you should be
my mind tricks me
the you, you are
is never enough
a shameful mess
blessed with a voice
hushed and ashamed
uneventful
tamed...
but the pen explodes
the paper is alight
fire burning
breaking the night
expression
confession
simple poetry
gifted to me
since i was a child
foolishly i wrote
staining blank paper
with my woes
my depression
my questions
betrayal by family
alone, lost, abused
searching for approval
embrace your child
mother, where are you...
why have you gone?
father is blind
sister is brokenly
holding me tight
protecting me
from our mother
our father...
trapped in a house
closed in
stay in
force normalcy
they must never know
you held your mother
while she wept
your blood staining her sheets
how foolish of you
to ever speak
close your eyes
sing a sweet lullaby
everything will be alright.

The emotions are sprinting
Jumping out in opposite directions
Pulling me apart
My body cannot contain
My mind cannot refrain
Stop her screaming
Screeches coming from my lips
Anguish falling from my eyes
Darkness invading
Stealing my breath away
Creating chaos
To handle chaos
Erupting from defeat
The quiet temptations to bleed again
Have increased their volume
Come to me
I will help you feel
Only sweet, sweet pain
Sincere clarity
Follow these thoughts
A single line of escape
Except it will not stay single long
I can see the scars of past
Healed
But I'm so broken
Break the skin
Watch the blood
Escaping
Witness the healing process
A calming sensation
Follows these thoughts...

Soft warm kisses
tender touches
simple bliss turns...
sudden withdrawal
body trembles
don't make my mind stay
don't let me float away...
cold hard lips
intruding hands
despair and darkness
greets me again
don't tell me that you love me
don't hold you love from me...
gentle bodies mingle
lust and passion
grasping for each other
gasping for air
stealing the innocence
power and greed
don't look at me
don't let me lose your gaze...

My thoughts lead me down
a dangerous path...
who knows if there will be light at the end?
for now there is my shadow
that seems to ever so slightly
consume my being...
blindly i walk forward
to my hope
to my despair
to my fate...

My mind is a constant jumble-****
Of emotions.
Questions.
To-do lists.
Taboos.
Fantasies.
Realities.
Secrets.
I get side tracked
And confused
When I try to voice my concerns
Because I'm concerned on how
What leaves my mouth
Will enter the ears of the ones around me.
How insane will this make me sound?
And sometimes the words flow
Jumping from my throat,
Trapped too long inside.
I need to express all that goes on!
It's been too long,
Since pen has touched paper
Intimately...
Lately I write what needs to be said
But only in the sense of
responsibility.
Emotionally I'm a mess;
Sensibly too.
I'm insensitive to my own being
Simply because I censor myself
for the "need" of others
The need I place for them.
I'm so concerned that I will offend
Off put,
Miss represent,
Everything about me
In a single sentence...
But the crazy seeps out
One way or another.
My tongue will dance
With the devil I have convinced
Myself that is truth.
I'm so afraid of who I am really,
I've made up another being
Who is me
And not me
Or at least who I used to be
Who I am no longer
But whom I still
too often, long for.
Lusting after what I worked so hard
to be free of.
The shackles still whispered on my arms.
The temptation to dive
Undeniably out of control
In order to feel
Complete control
Understanding
Emotions.
Questions.
Taboos.
Fantasies.
Rea­lities.
And those extremely tasty secrets.