Music thumps
bass booming through your feet
into your heart
and out to your fingers
that grip your flimsy red cup
filled to the brim with froth
like the room
filled with people
and lots of air
that's filled with sweat and voices
that smell like the alcohol
that no longer sits in the bottles and cans
you see covering every surface
you walk from group to group
taking and adding to each conversation
that passes through your clouding mind
that is still watching
that girl flip her hair
as she talks to the boy
that has his hand
on the *** of another girl
who's laughing with the people
she would never talk to
if she wasn't holding
that cup
that matches yours
and his
and hers
and theirs
that slosh over a little when they
dance all close and grimy
because our culture promotes
flippancy
which feels a lot like
fun
and you're not quite sure
how you've noticed that
everyone is leveled
because they're so
high on life and love
and drinks and drugs
and it doesn't quite make sense
but you come to the conclusion
in your mildly impaired state
that all that stuff in movies
isn't all that fake
No, it's just High School

Too fast
It's going too fast
and it's not the same as it used to be
when you were young
speed was fun
and fast could always be faster
but the days are slipping
from the life you're gripping
and soon
you'll hit a corner
slow down for the turn
so your guts won't churn
lose your race mentality
and learn to love reality
and please
just drive safe

I sit
Realizing my day will consist
Of nothing more
Than bloated teas bags
Rain splattered windows
Sad songs
That make me miss you
And bad poetry
Because I can't stop
Thinking about what
You're doing with your day
And wondering
If you're thinking
That this would have been
The perfect day
To drink too much tea
Put that record on repeat
And ignore the rain on the windows
Because you're too wrapped up in me

I never used to like definitely maybes
but I'm about to walk off the edge of my Earth
slowly, two steps forward, one step back
and all I can think of is indefinite outcomes
he is the only instance where YES
tumbles out of my mouth
tripping over my teeth
and falling on his tongue
but even then
my map is creased in all the wrong places
and never folds back to a functioning square
we link fingers and run with steps lacking synchronicity
I sometimes jump when he lands
he screams when I want to whisper
and I often want to go left at his right
and I will, one day soon
when I get the courage to unfold his kind of clammy hands
from my shaky fist

but I'm scared
of having cold fingers.

I trekked up that slushy hill, double time, because I was wasting minutes being anywhere you weren't. I don't think I've ever opened a door faster than in that moment before smashing my body into yours and breathing you in in one messy, rushed kiss. In French, instead if saying I miss you they say tu me manque, which means you are missing from me. This concept was explained to me, finally, as I was wrapped up in you and one of your many colognes. Lips and tongues and teeth and door frames. I could not feel anything because I was feeling everything. My conciousness extended no further than the tip of my nose and at every point my skin touched yours. It's been a while since I have understood myself in such a simple sense, but it was clear you knew me all along. I could tell from the way you traced me without looking and tickled my collarbone with kisses.
And finally,
your mouth moved from me and into
Hello

I'd said I'd never seen it
you dropped your chin
"We're watching it"
We did
until our close proximity
was more than you could handle
and your breath found my hair
and your lips met my neck
and now I still can say,
I don't know how it ends.

**** you for stealing my focus;
You stole it long ago
Back when we'd share glances in the halls or across the street,
I'd find myself seeing you when you were nowhere in sight
And now that you make sure you're nowhere in sight,
In my general vicinity, my town,
You're everywhere
In all those songs, those jokes, that piece of coconut cream pie,
And today you were in my head
While I ran,
Kicked my own *** while trying to chase down some other girl
That was just one too many steps ahead;
I thought about the run we went on,
You and I,
The stupidly long one
Where you adjusted your lanky stride
So I wouldn't fall behind,
And I discovered I could love you;
And while I worked my legs a little harder
I thought about the way you
Would graze my thigh and hold my knee
In such a subtle way that
Only I would notice;
**** you for taking my focus
In the only realm I can escape real life.
I beat that girl
And another one too
But the whole **** time
I was running after you.

My coffee always gets cold
before I can finish it,
my heart stutters
when I forget to breathe,
too busy watching the world go by
wondering where I fit into it,
my coffee always gets cold
before I can finish it,
and the day is over
before I can open my eyes,
and life goes on without me
while I sit,

with cold coffee.

Tap tap tap
went your chewed up pen against your wall
while I mindlessly twisted the corners of your blanket
into a lovely knot
Tick tick tick
went your clock in the comfortable silence
and we turned to see the how many more minutes we'd have
when our gazes drifted to each other
Thump thump thump
went my heart
as you leaned in
closer
Grabbing my palm you uncapped your pen
and proceeded to draw two curved lines
that shaky as they were
somehow made a heart
"Yours" you said
And the silence was never the same

April showers are said to bring May flowers
and if this holds truth
my cheeks will be blushing with roses
freckled in daises and tracked with tulips
in thirty days time
Sorry trips behind my teeth
pushing at their backs
like my tongue
Raw with loose explanation
sore from swallowing sour words
my insides ache from lack of understanding

So you see
time has played a trick on me
and I am made the fool
That dances just as strings would command
oblivious to the big grand plan
that constructs my destiny
It's gone so fast
moments dashed past
and I'm alone in dust
That stains my clothes
smells of woes
and leaves me rather lost
In the big blue world
strange secrets unfurled
and I am none the wiser
Of all the things yet to come
and all fun
I've yet to enjoy
But the hardest bit is
I don't know what I think of this
And the thing that gets me
the thing I can not see
is right there, in front of me

silly girl,
*open your eyes

I miss the taste of infinity
I want to believe in something crazy
Something that shouldn't work
But does
I want to know that my world
Is built on hope
Reality is really just a nightmare
And I don't really wake up until
I'm dreaming

the emptiness i feel
          a gaping hole in my center
is not relief like they suggest
          the bursting in my heart
          the tearing, searing feeling
is not happiness or new found holiness
          today was not the resolution
but another day in hell
          the hottest yet
          what happens in 9 weeks
does not go away in one day
          i did not want to remember today
          how it felt, what it looked like
but now i feel robbed by the anesthetic and ativan  
         i do not have the closure
        how do i mourn what felt like a dream

suffocating guilt
unbearable loneliness

and so much red.

I think you should know
I stood out there, in the snow
and watched you walk away

it wasn't sad,
only too bad
because I wasn't finished

wasn't finished kissing you
and goofing off, like we do
there aren't enough hours

the way you make me feel
is so **** good, it can't be real
but believe me, I was there

I was there
when you touched my hair
and whispered away my worries

I was there
when you proved you care
in all those little ways

I was there
and it's not fair
that you won't be,
in a few months time

Don't leave.

I hear you've taken up cigarettes
For real this time
Not just for something to do
Or as something to hide from me and my ***** looks
Because we all know that's fun, fooling me,
More of a rush than the smoke itself;
No, I bet it's because
When all else fails,
When you're becoming the flake that you love to hate
When life is nothing like the movies
And you're not living unless you're high
You might as well look the part
Burnouts are still cool,

*Mind if I *** a smoke?

Do three hundred and sixty five days have to pass
Before I can start anew?
Things are changing
And my time is waning
No longer can I wait
To erase mistakes and wipe out hate
That has marred my inner self
So help me to grab right now
And hold it as my own
I've seen my ways
In older days
And am horrified at best
So as a favor
Be my savior?
It'd be best if you said yes
All I ask is this
Be my New Years kiss
In June

Alone upon the precipice
you expand your feathered wings
You're right and ready
strong and steady
So jump, let's hear you sing
But you stop short
and tumble back
bruising your behind
It is those ropes
your dashed dreams and hopes
the confines of your mind
So, flightless bird
you may have heard
that the only way to see
Is to open your eyes
look to the sky
and let yourself free

I'm choking
                                          On nothing really
                                                 Just emotions and air
But it's awfully uncomfortable
                                                   The thought
                                                     Of trying
                                     To stomach it all
                                               Digest it
                          And make it work
                                       For me
Is enough to make me gag
Again
             It doesn't taste very good
                  And I'm sick
                          Of having it forced
                                Down my throat
                                  But if I don't eat it
It won't go away
                            I can't throw it out
But I might throw it up
                              I don't know
     How much longer
                     It will sit
It's an invisible struggle
     I'm the only one who feels it
I think
             Chances are
                                   I'm "overreacting"
Could we change the recipe?

It's the times when nothing goes
right
And so we cry
together
We let it happen and wash it away with
laughter

It's the times when the stars come
out
So we must follow
suit
And traipse about on our fruitless
missions

It's the times when we're all a little
silly
or a lot
And we're all content to just
be

It's times like these when I discover feeling
infinite

Do you suppose
From where you sit
That you can see the stars?
Way up there
Up in the black
Above the smog from cars

Do you suppose
From where you sit
That you can see the truth?
Way out there
Out passed what's known
And muddled by your youth

Do you suppose
From where you sit
That you can really see?
See the world?
See yourself?
Or even see me?

Why is it
That you can do no wrong?
What part of me forgives you
When we start to talk or I hear that song?
You've hurt me pretty badly,
In more ways than just the one
But I admit, and I do so sadly,
That I make excuses
And spread the blame around
Each time leaving you untouched
Still on your pedestal, safe and sound;
At times I find you awful
And your methods and morals unlawful
But I can't seem to let you go;
I hold on for dear life,
Stupidly picturing that someday
I'll be your wife;
In attempts to sort my feelings
I fill my head with useless fantasies and hopes
Only to get them crushed and later have to cope;
How is it
that you managed
to wrap me up so tight?
Wasting all my thoughts on those endless summer nights;
But truthfully
When it was good it was great
The only real issue
Is I just can't seem to hate
You for any single thing you've done
And it's because of that
I'm starting to believe
You've really truly won.

Sharp stubble that rubs my lips
Your hands gently resting on my small and bony hips
There's very little spaces
Between our stomachs and faces
And I must stretch to my toes
To level with your nose
I feel the seconds slipping
And already I'm missing
The warmth of you there
The tickle of your hair
And the high that you give me

I'm an addict

"Will I see you tomorrow?"

I know you hear the echo of my emptiness
when we sit in silence.
I know you see the vacancy
when our eyes are shut.
And I know you think you made It
when you tiptoe
around my fragility.
But it is not your fault
like you always assume.
And you are not responsible
for fixing or filling.
Because you are infinitely more
than my heart will ever be able to hold.
And I'm so, so sorry
but I don't know why
it isn't enough.

You said you would call
Fix this gaping hole you made
The one with fraying edges
That my fingers can't grasp
But you didn't
And so I'm trying
Really hard
To ignore it, let it go
Move on to a place
Where I can grab something solid,
Something I can walk on
Run on
Away from you
Far, far away
So that for once
No one will hear my tears
Give me comfort
Provide solace in open arms
Only to drop them away
Once my tears have dried
I only want to cry in peace
So that maybe
I can find a place
Where I have no cause
For tears.

There are some days
when you can see the Moon
in broad daylight
It's a ghost of it's usual self,
peeking out from some invisible pocket of baby blue velvet
I don't know why it does this
and I'm sure there is a scientific answer to explain
but I don't want to know that
I would rather go about thinking
that maybe the moon gets lonely and comes out to visit with the Sun
Their shifts are always clashing
and it's pretty hard to keep a relationship when you're working nights and they work days
The Sun and the Moon work to balance the Earth
Pretty demanding work
I bet they miss each other
I find that you can only see the Moon
on really beautiful days
Maybe it's because that rare visit
is making the Sun very happy
Or maybe it's chance

Here comes the tide
eating at my edges
washing away my resolve;
each wave taking more than the last
and I sit here
anticipating that one wave that will take me away;
pull me under,
swirl me around
and eventually let me sink
to the bottom
of that ******* ocean,
that I have tried so hard to stay away from,
I built my walls tall and thick
high up on the shore,
because I have discovered
that I no longer know
how to tread water.

A perfect afternoon
spent on the beach
and within each other's reach

A perfect afternoon
climbing trees
and touching knees

A perfect afternoon
making wishes
and stealing kisses

A perfect afternoon
that ended all too soon

I must confirm my existence
I grasp and hug and pinch and feel
Anything I can get my hands on
Just to prove it's real

Everything is vibrant with
Breath
In and out
Right and left
The colours expand
Contract
Disappear
Come back

It's all too surreal
Must be my imagination
A little of this and that
A total compilation
Of everything
That was and is
All that's bad
And all my bliss

Life's too short
To not just be
There's so much to do
And so much to see
And everything
Is so **** right
I'm terrified
That at the end of the night

*I'll wake up

If it's the thought that counts
Then how can actions speak louder than words?

And what are you saying by leaving?

You walked out that door
But I'm really not sure
Why you didn't close it

Is that because,
I think it was,
You don't actually mean it?

Are you asking me to follow?
Or to stand up, swallow
my pride and shut the ******* door?

Would you believe me if I told you
the reason I have to say goodbye,
is because I love you
too much?
I wake up every morning,
the same way I fell asleep:
tangled in sheets and you.
You are the start and end of all my stories.
I smell you on my skin.
Hear your laugh when I read something funny.
You are embedded in all my senses.
Until yesterday
driving down the highway alone,
mountains on all sides
piercing the blue sky,
I did not know what the world was
without you.
Would you believe me if I told you
I've got no room in my heart
for me, because I'm too full
of you?

Sometimes I wish
that holding hands was enough
for both of us;
I wish I didn't need more talking
and rarely
I wish you didn't want more "walking";
I like walking
I just wish that we talked more

Sometimes I wish
you hadn't made
all those friends;
I liked when I was your world,
actually, I was so much your world
that I didn't like it;
funny

Sometimes I wish
that it didn't seem like
you need my friend to come too,
because I guess me being part of 'us' isn't enough
sorry
Maybe if you weren't always with him
we wouldn't need another girl for "balance"
He doesn't want to third wheel?
Neither do I

Sometimes I wish
that I was stronger;
So that silly things
like my wishes
didn't make me feel this way

..But only sometimes...