My lungs must stretch
to keep up with this laughter
it's endless and my hair flies away
I know I've got little smudges of mascara
circling my wide eyes because I've been too busy watching you
and laughing and breathing
forgetting that I'm afraid of you
breaking my heart I don't think I am
last time I need to stop comparing
but last time I was afraid
because everything was so perfect and I don't
believe in perfection I didn't
I don't want to fear the way
you look at me and hold me tightly
I don't want to disagree with all your lovely compliments
because I'm tired of pretending I don't deserve them
I do
I want to have all those butterflies the ones I get when
I see you or talk to you or think
of you and I want those moments
when we're walking and laughing too hard at a bad joke so we pause
and look at each other stare hard at each other
into each other and laugh harder
I want those to last
for not forever but long enough to enjoy them
really enjoy them
maybe I do want you to break my heart
because that would mean I fell for you
loved you and
there's nothing I'd
rather do
more.

The air feels dense
Heavy with my inability to
Hold onto my sense of self
I fight my anger in a
Futile attempt to free
Myself of violent stress
Ironic.

And I know the things you've done
and the look of too much ***** in your eyes
or maybe it was tequila, beer, or ***
but whatever the poison, I know the price;
that some girl, you'd call her cute
you did, twice
will be the answer to your emptiness
and she knows these things as you move closer
and laugh and smile, maybe touch her arm, her back
but she's had a few
and misses him, she can't keep track
so you keep talking
and she's stopped walking
because she knows your company, however fake
is much better company
than her endless heartbreak.

I just know

Awkward tastes like that glass of red wine you offered,
My name falling out of your mouth like a word you'd forgotten;
Awkward feels like your arms around me
and me trying to remember if you used to rub my back in a hug;
Awkward looks like not making any eye contact
but instead taking turns watching eachother;
The room was full of your family and latina music,
I hadn't been that happy since September
And all the while I could feel my heart choking
On the silence between you and I
And that big lump of "What now?"
That currently defines us.