No matter how long I stood under that hot water
It could not beat the defeated feeling from me
If anything it only bruised me more
I stared at white porcelain and products that
No matter how long I scrubbed
Left me feeling just as clean as that grimy shower curtain
I was coming to the conclusion that this wound was more than skin deep
And I had know that before, but I wore denial as a blindfold
Because in the darkness I couldn't see that all the makeup that I pretended wasn't very much
Was doing nothing to hide the puffy red and purple eyes
Evidence of tears, too many to allow for sleep
I'm too much of an open book for makeup and clothes to make any difference
I know, they know, you know
I'm tired of the look
The look of pity that has morphed into one of exhaustion, because they are all getting bored
With my mundane heartbreaks
I don't blame them
But this isn't sadness anymore
I'm lost
I feel defeated, by myself mainly, because I can't even pretend I'm mad
I'm just lonely, and I'm tired of not knowing what to do, or how to feel
I want to let it all go and have the "fun time" they're all living
But I don't like their fun, it's too much
I'm too fragile, always so fragile
I don't want to believe it's done and the all the best things break
I don't want to forget you, the way you looked at me, acted around me,
held me close in that same shower
I'm preventing my own healing
I'm fighting myself, still
And I'm just really
Really tired

I miss the taste of infinity
I want to believe in something crazy
Something that shouldn't work
But does
I want to know that my world
Is built on hope
Reality is really just a nightmare
And I don't really wake up until
I'm dreaming

I need to stop hating myself
for being the type of girl who loves love
because despite the bitter backlash I have never experienced a thing more beautiful
and that's saying something because
I'm the type of girl who hunts for a sunrise and feels cheated when I miss the sunset
I'm the type of girl that hates going to sleep because I might miss out on something amazing,
even if it's just a cloudless night
I need to stop over thinking everything because
I'm the type of girl who acts from the heart
and my head only gets in the way, makes me regret the decisions I know are right
I'm the type of girl who says what she means
and will cry if I'm hurt
if I'm mad
or if you're hurt
or you're mad
I'm the type of girl that cries
because anger scares me
When I fall, I fall hard because
I'm the type of girl that won't hide behind my pride
I'll put myself out there because
you can't feel love with only part of your heart
I'm the type of girl who loves love
I'm the type of girl who gets hurt
But I have seen incomparable beauty.

Can a sweater be remade?
After one thread got caught and the rest began unraveling
After you leave and I'm here and there's a mess of string between us
I want to take it all back, find that thread that caught and tuck it back in
I want to pull it all in, tighter than it was before, close-knit
There's a breeze sneaking through the holes
And fear of this new reality chills my bones
I just want warmth
That reaches to the tips of my fingers and toes
Warmth that I can't contain
The kind that escapes in laughter
Leaves my cheeks permanently flushed
Emanates from me so that everyone can feel it
I want to be warm
I want you to be warm

I thought you said
                 you knew how to knit

       I once thought I said
the same

**** you for stealing my focus;
You stole it long ago
Back when we'd share glances in the halls or across the street,
I'd find myself seeing you when you were nowhere in sight
And now that you make sure you're nowhere in sight,
In my general vicinity, my town,
You're everywhere
In all those songs, those jokes, that piece of coconut cream pie,
And today you were in my head
While I ran,
Kicked my own *** while trying to chase down some other girl
That was just one too many steps ahead;
I thought about the run we went on,
You and I,
The stupidly long one
Where you adjusted your lanky stride
So I wouldn't fall behind,
And I discovered I could love you;
And while I worked my legs a little harder
I thought about the way you
Would graze my thigh and hold my knee
In such a subtle way that
Only I would notice;
**** you for taking my focus
In the only realm I can escape real life.
I beat that girl
And another one too
But the whole **** time
I was running after you.

I hear you've taken up cigarettes
For real this time
Not just for something to do
Or as something to hide from me and my ***** looks
Because we all know that's fun, fooling me,
More of a rush than the smoke itself;
No, I bet it's because
When all else fails,
When you're becoming the flake that you love to hate
When life is nothing like the movies
And you're not living unless you're high
You might as well look the part
Burnouts are still cool,

*Mind if I *** a smoke?

You said you would call
Fix this gaping hole you made
The one with fraying edges
That my fingers can't grasp
But you didn't
And so I'm trying
Really hard
To ignore it, let it go
Move on to a place
Where I can grab something solid,
Something I can walk on
Run on
Away from you
Far, far away
So that for once
No one will hear my tears
Give me comfort
Provide solace in open arms
Only to drop them away
Once my tears have dried
I only want to cry in peace
So that maybe
I can find a place
Where I have no cause
For tears.