Sometimes I'll stand in front of that mirror for so long,
I'll forget why I came into the bathroom,
Because I can still see your fingerprints
And a faint outline of a kiss on that hollow spot above my collarbone,
The spot you would kiss romantically
And I would twitch and laugh, because it gave me shivers,
And you would do it again
Because we weren't ****
We were silly, and tickle fights were our thing
The best thing;
And those fingerprints
On my hips and my ribs from holding me close
But mostly in that spot on my back,
Just below my shoulder blade,
Where you would tap your fingers to say Hello,
Remind me you were there, and I was yours;
Those aren't fading very fast;
I was always jealous of your tattoos,
The real ones and the ones that I would trace
When there was no light for me to see
That beauty is truth and truth beauty
But I suppose you gave me tattoos in a way
Left your mark in a way that only I could see
But today,
Today I saw me
Just me,
Clear skinned and smiling.

I spent lots of minutes and a deep cup of coffee
with your sister, warding off the rain
and realizing that it was easier to acknowledge
that you've become someone I never met,
who wouldn't call me babesio and give me an Anthurium for Valentines Day
because they were sold out of Cactus's,
I decided it was easier to call you a loser
and laugh at how everything isn't working out;
Life's not what it should have been
for you or us
and nodding along when your sister says
'you're better than him, he'll figure it out'
because it was much easier than acknowledging
that I still only want to wrap you up in a hug
spend all day doing nothing together
and talk about all the grand things we might do someday

I'm okay
Really, I'm fine
But you're not
And that hurts me more than you will ever know

Smells like September
Sunny days with sad shadows
Clear, cold breezes invite a sweater
That does half the job
You would have done
At keeping me warm
Smells like stress
School
A fresh start
That feels a lot like last year
When he left me
Like you did
Alone
Deja Vu
Except chances are
I won't find another you
No one is coming around
To pick me up off the ground
And if they do?
I'll wave them away
Won't let them say
"I promise I won't do that"
Because
I'm getting tired
Of this
Cold pavement
And these reoccurring visions
I'm getting tired
Of getting my hopes up
And my heart open
Only to be left in the cold
I'm getting tired
Of September

I sit
Realizing my day will consist
Of nothing more
Than bloated teas bags
Rain splattered windows
Sad songs
That make me miss you
And bad poetry
Because I can't stop
Thinking about what
You're doing with your day
And wondering
If you're thinking
That this would have been
The perfect day
To drink too much tea
Put that record on repeat
And ignore the rain on the windows
Because you're too wrapped up in me

I was never good at tying knots
Until you came along
And taught me every way to tie
A necktie, a bow tie, a scarf
And then we would untie them;
I like that you wear scarves;
You quickly taught me how
To tangle sheets in the thick of darkness
And we then learned how to untangle
Arms, legs, fingers and toes
While the sun rose
And baked us in possibility;
When neckties and sheets
Were no longer a challenge
We tackled tying heartstrings
And very quickly those knots were made
Fastening your heart to mine
A beautiful mass of present and past
And a little of what could be;
We practiced our little knots
Of fabric flesh and feelings,
All day, everyday
Eight months of days
We had them perfected
As perfect as we needed them to be
There's no way they'd come undone
And now as you're leaving
And I don't know if you can feel it
But those strings are tight
They're holding good,
But I'm feeling a little ripping,
Right there in my chest;
Maybe you should untie them
Because you always tied best.

We talked
he and i about
all the reasons why you and i can't
talk anymore

we talked for a long time

I don't remember the last time we,
you and i, really
talked about things that weren't
relevant or recent

it's been a long time

We've been talking with our lips but
hardly ever in the way that
accomplishes things
or reveals things i didn't already know
about you or the things that matter to you

this silence is kind of deafening and my lips are feeling lost
i tried to talk the other day to you about me and us and our things
but i couldn't find the words
and so
the talking didn't last
and the space between my words got very large and heavy
and the tears between my eyelids got very large and heavy
and maybe even slipped out
once or twice

But we talked
he and i about
all the reasons why you and i can't
talk anymore

And I had lot's to say

And it's still hard to believe it's been a year
even after a year has turned into a year and one month

And the burn that follows a tequila shot
is accompanied by your laugh

And coconut anything smells like you

And anytime any one of the many songs you loved plays
You are all I see

And I think about your eyelashes
when I put my makeup on

And red lipstick and polka dots
cannot be worn without remembering you on any other day

And lemon squares taste
like those good times

LOTR? The Beatles? Pink Floyd? Fleetwood Mac? Shakespeare? Hilary Duff?(only you would understand)
All enjoyed with you in mind

And everything that's awesome
has become a reminder
that you missed being our tequila queen on the first day;
that you never got to wear your cap and gown
and eat pancakes at 5 am;
never got to see eighteen
and put your well educated vote to use;
and you never got to stand to your full five feet and one inch
and say to the world
"Here I come."

And I guess the songbirds keep singing
with that blackbird
in the dead of night

But it's hard to hear
because we're all butchering Bennie and the Jets
at the top of our lungs
from atop someone's couch

Just like you'd have wanted,
just like you'd have done.