I kneel before you though you are no God
I give you my shame, lonliness, hopelessness and pain
You take it all with no argument, no hesitation and no judgement

When I kneel before you I feel the world staring down upon me; disappointed and accusitory
What would they say if they saw me in these moments?
The world, friends, family.......what would they say?
I can't stop spending time with you though I have tried

Unfortunately, it only takes a thought
It use to be harder to give it all to you
Forcing myself to bare those things to you.........it use to be so hard
Now it is easy! And I hate myself for it.

To keep myself sane, to keep it all inside, I run my tongue across my gums to feel the missing molars, the hole in the bicuspid, the degraded bicuspid and think in my head......
"Fight the urge. Fight the urge. Fight the urge to kneel and purge."

I go silent. I go numb.
I beat it, I hope, at least for today
But, I see you and feel the need to give it all to you
And in that moment I am beautiful, or, at least I hope to be

I made the mistake of listening to society
They told me to be the way they dictate on tv, in magazines, on billboards, and bus signs and newspapers and the radio
I tried because they said it wasn't ok to be me
To just be me
I wasn't enough
Why can't I be enough?

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts! It's too easy!

I kneel before you though you are no God
I give you my shame, lonliness, hopelessness and pain
You take it all with no arguments no hesitation and no judgement

"Fight the urge. Fight the urge. Fight the urge to kneel and purge."

                                                        ­                      FLUSH!!!!!!!

I don’t know what I breathed in
Don’t know what’s making me sneeze
No medicine seems to work
Dear Lord, what a fix I’m in!
I’ve tried washing my face
And blowing my nose
But nothing seems to help
If I let myself I’ll
Curl up in a corner and die
But instead I’ll try
And drown myself in poetry!

-Vijayalakshmi Harish
21.09.2012

Copyright © Vijayalakshmi Harish

A chalky body
tainted with sticky ruby,
acne-riddled, dark spots.
Digits
spill out
over your tongue
onto the red floor.
Clatter,
now spin.
Watch through your dried blood fringe
as it revolves,
let the good times roll,
isn’t that what you say?
Now this is out of your hands,
out of your mouth,
blurred blackness,
your choice down to chance.
A low rotating sound
and it lands
next to crimson painted nails.
Your number is up.

in my sleep i always cry
the bleeding in my heart will never dry
you cracked the code into my mind
and from your love i became blind

you never held me in your arms
you act like you belong in the farm
respect i rarely saw from you
my heart turned from red to blue

lies are what i tell myself
when i put our picture on my shelf
i wish i got to hold your hand
the thought of you i can barely stand  

everyone laughs when we're brought up
but nobody knows youre the one i want
my spine dances when your name is said
but deep down i know our future is dead

what i would do to be your love
my heart just flutters like a dove
the thoughts of us are pretty mushy
youre the only reason i act s gushy
in reality this is not who i am
your face makes my eyes pour like a dam

i wish i really didnt love you
cant you see you and i equal two?
youve made my heart a mess
and i've failed your test
i cannot lie

Could I have found the one?
Could you be mine?
Could this work?
Could we be what we were looking for?
I guess we'll find out

Clean your room
Find my pictures
Cut out my face
Free your conscience

Dry tears on my pillow
Your name on my tongue
Don’t want to stop
Yelling for more

Tried to forgive
Buried my pain
Told you farewell
But not goodbye

breathe in
hold it
everywhere I look
people go about their day
unaware, uncaring
my finger naked
my body exposed
this is my last breath
and no one knows
breathe out

breathe in
hold it
everywhere I look
people go about their lives
unaffected, unknowing
my dreams gone
my heart shattered
this is my last breath
it never really mattered
breathe out

breathe in
hold it
everywhere I look
I see you
unappreciated, unloved
my everything hopeful
my arms open wide
I’d take a million last breaths
to have you by my side
breathe out



breathe in…

hold it.