I went to church Sunday like I always do
My Pentecostal Pastor could see right through me
He looked into my eyes and asked me
"Are you living for God Tana?"
I looked straight back at him and said
"Yes sir."

whenever i swallowed that pill
i knew what was coming
nothing
no smile
no frown
nothing but a heavy coat
on me all day
covering everything
everything about me
i can't emphasize
NOTHING
enough
numbness
it is better to feel sadness, madness
than nothing at all
please parents, just let me free fall

i cannot be this nothingness ghost

Peace runs through miles of uncharted hell
My feet swell, on burning stone  
The heat is seeping through my muscles to my bones
My heart, well it's fighting to beat
Oh how I would love to give up, I envy the weak,
how I would love to be the Devils sweet meat
But I keep on
When I find peace this will all be gone

* * *

Peace runs through a single mile of uncharted hell
My feet, they soak in the heat
My heart, well, ha, people say they can still hear it beat
Oh and how easy it was to find peace, just let the heat increase
Let it overflow your bones, eat the burning stones
They envy me, the weak
The Devil is MY sweet meat!
MY treat!
Yes, keep on, but not for too long
Like I said, when you find peace, all these elegant gores, will all be yours

It's a seldom day
I woke up to thunder
And the sound of pouring rain

restore me, restore life.

As I watch the candle light flicker
I wonder if the fire has thought
If the flicker is its S.O.S.
If the flicker is it fighting in the cup trying to get off of the wick
I wonder if the fire thinks melting the wax gives it hope
Hope to be freed from it open prison cell
What a torturous life it would be, to be so close to being free
Every time that match lights on fire it is filled with glee
But it changes, it screams, when it slides into the candle
And sees its prison cell
The wick

Hate. It's the worst kind of pain, guilt is bad, sadness is bad, but hate is the sickly combination of both.
You loath.
Everything.
It's such a nasty sting.
And one person shoved it upon you.
You were a house of cards, then they blew.
     Trust doesn't exist in this storm cloud.
Nothing but screams, and there oh so loud.
     Lighting and thunder start crashing down  
There will come a time, when you learn to be heartless, only to protect yourself
Make it that the only thing that exist is "self"

Please, don't say you love me unless you really mean it.
Because I might do something ignorant like believe it.
Where is the puzzle piece? Oh! Love fits.
When your heart is broken.
Hate will be your token.
Don't be blind.
     When you are feeling around for anything to hold on to, hate, is the only thing you'll find.
     And before you even realize what it is, it will take flight.
     You'll be stuck for the ride, you will be forced to hold on tight.
Never forget these words I write.

Beware
Utter hate is something few can bear

I even have to remember to breathe!
In my house by the sea.
I only drink the saltwater from the sea.
Somehow I continue to breathe.
In my house of elegant gores,
in my house by the shore,
in my house that has a creed,
with the deeds of the sea,
which are signed by me.
This water has infected me.
This lonely water from the sea.
I've let my heart sink so far into the sea.
That not even the ghost of me.
Could recover my heart and flee.  
I've spent my entire brief life by the sea.
And the deeds of the sea, are my deeds indeed.

I even have to remember to breathe!
In my house by the sea.
I only drink the saltwater from the sea.
Somehow I continue to breathe.
This water has infected me.
This lonely water from the sea.
I've let my heart sink so far into the sea.
That not even the ghost of me.
Could recover my heart and flee.

I feel the sea, is the last gift I'll ever receive
I will be given nothing before it
And definitely nothing after it  
As soon as it glosses my skin I will leave
Sink into the known hate of my blood
And fall in love, and only believe in sea
And never feel the need,
For anyone, or anything else but sea
I can imagine it now as I close my eyes
I can see the darkness not of the skies
But of the sea, and I feel like breathing and...
I breathe in sea air, now,
I know, there is nothing else
I will ever care for again

As I came seldom shore
Fairly for me, away the salty mist
Away, away, lays the blue vale
Further from salty touch, the more the pale

The sea does call me, I search and lick my lips
The salty taste draws me to the abyss
Land you have eventfully failed
This icy wind, I will again never inhale

And I come now to sea
Land is pretty, but not as pretty as the sea
Gratefully wonder back to its whispering
melody, sea you are the only remedy

"sweetly, deathly"
this is his voice that caressed me
"frighting, loving"
are his hands that embraced me
"Fear will turn to love, you'll learn to love me wait and see."
i close my eyes and lay there and listen to his tender words as i become raw and helpless
against his warped language that twisted into my mind as if i perceived them
i'm in a trance as my sins overcome me
i burn in hell but secretly yearn for heaven
"secretly..." he whispers

My eyelids are folding over my body
As I roll into my flesh bed
I dream, and I dream of you
I bury the dream
And I wake up underground

Let me tell you about a story of a flood
The water was deathly, it took everyone's blood
Chilled everyone's skin, all were as pale as death
Not one person took a breath
Winter hums her tune
Now these people are trapped under ice, only to see the blue moon
This is a poem, it's a tale
Now, again, not one person is left not pale
Not every word makes a sound
You think those people underwater screaming bound
Were heard
No. Not one word
These people are an anchor on my soul
These people need to give back my heart the stole
Now no one could have stopped the downpour
The only thing that exist is the ocean floor

He is a man, and I am a girl, I know my thoughts are
Undergoing my mutilation, and I imagine
In my twisted, disgusting intellect, what he thinks of me
With his seemingly invisible gestures of his speech
In the merciful cloak of darkness, would he
Take advantage of my tight, pale body (i think he would)
I want to live this nightmare I have concocted
Over and over again, I constantly tease the pleasures
Of my creepy mind, my too pale, flawless, 18 year old legs
Impudent and childish sprawled across his lap

The sharp mountains swallow the Sun
The sky turns red and purple
That's the Sun's blood floating into the air

I've been in the dark for a exceedingly long time.
My eyes have adjusted.
All I know is the dark now,
it's seldom when light enters.
It's like the Sun meeting the Moon.
The Moon thinks it always triumphs.
But the brutal truth is,
darkness cannot exist without light.
They both thrive on one another.
They wont admit it.
But if the Sun died.
The Moon would soon after.
If the Moon died.
The Sun would soon after.
Because neither of them would have something to support.
Not one person would exist if there wasn't the Sun or the Moon.
If no one exist, who does the Sun have to make happy?
Who does the Moon have to make sad?
If the Sun didn't pass the Moon every 2 years,
would the Moon provide any light? Any gloomy glow?
If light didn't enter my life every once in awhile.
I would have died a long time ago.

She finally peaks her head out from her watery love
And I watch her breathe in this human air, alllll this fresh air
And this I swear, is more then I can bare
Seeing her face, eyes, damp and dark from the sea
And I wonder what the sun feels like to her against her
Pale, flawless skin, this thought made my heart sore for weeks  
The color of her blue eyes in the sun, as pretty as the sea
Her eyes hold the sea, she is the Goddess of me  
The sea has spared me from this, beautiful, scare
The sea gave her thoughts of we, she sees me  
She is extremely perfect, with faded skin, perfect eyes  
With the most lightest blonde hair strands,
you have and will ever see
I cannot say whether any disease of love of the heart
Caused her cheeks, her lips to need the sea
But she is the only thing I can see
Her eyes once soooo full of the sea, she is lonely
She actually misses me, the sea listened to my plea
In her heart lives the slightest thought of we
I'm sure she lives a lonely life under the sea
As I watched her visit me secretly  
As I watched her perfectly hidden, I watched her heart changed
I saw in her eyes, not only me but the sea can tell
That for the first time, her mind thought that the sea
Wasn't all she sees, the sea is slowly draining from her eyes I think
Her eyes see something in me

Maybe my heart will stop and play its final tune
It is tangled in golden fleece, trapped forevermore
It is owned by a king, and guarded by the trees
This golden fleece will never release me
And outside of this grove there is a dragon
Horrible and beautiful in its way
It's the second force guarding my heart by the bay
Of course still by the sea, but too far stuck behind these wooden bars
Stuck behind this violent thing, the king
The king brings me this pain, and I strain
And Strain until there is nothing more
Nothing more the this golden fleece
And death more then you could believe

today i met a man who wasn't there, and this i swear
his skin was misplaced, i pondered, he said she was graced
he said, "under my skin is a nightmare, nightmares are all i see,
                                                            ­ ­      all i am, all i will ever be."
today a man that wasn't there, told me. about his dead sea
told me it was full of skin, with a seldom dreary grin
he said weary, "under my skin is wickedness, wickedness is all i see,
                                                            ­ ­       all i am, all i will ever be."
today i met myself who wasn't there, and this i swear
i peeled my skin off and under it was also a nightmare
me that wasn't there, and this i swear, can't stand the skin i wear
i come back to my own reality, and me is all i see
and i go back to my skin spree

i say sadly, "under my skin is me, me is all i see,
                                                            ­ ­ all i am, and all i will ever be."

I wish I could be the Sun
I warrant the Sun would agree, have it be done

Oh, what a pleasure it would be, to be heartless
For there to be no such thing as darkness

Oh, and how the Sun is filled with joy
It gets to play with this little human, like a toy

It hurls back in pain, what is this thing called pain?
It realizes, this human, is no little game

Memories rush into its pure mind
That has known nothing but sublime

It screams "LET ME OUT OF THIS TRAP!"
While my memories still unwrap

I show mercy
Like I do to everyone, most of them unworthy

And I'm back, I say farewell
Now, back to my memories that I call hell

Intellect sores, bountifully, higher then God
Nefariously bottomless, I fall then Hell
Eventfully, ill angels impel my ascend to Heaven
Fiendish demons walk me back
As I depress, I depress beyond saving
As I advance, I advance beyond saving  
The Devil, nor God can believe what I've become
I can't escape this
I am fastened in this blending line
And in between the insidious two, I am willingly blind
Hell and Heaven are consolidating
If the ill angels in Heaven
Are like the demons too
Heaven is the worst of the two

I feel like, I always fall into a love, a fearful love.
In doubt I have been, and am.
And fear has flooded my love,
in fear I have been, and am.
My heart feels this seemingly endless, toll.
When I'm in my fearful love.
Endless I have been, and am.
My heart aches with bountiful, fearful, love.
No, no, my ribs have not failed me.
Secure I have been, and am.
No, my soul, my weak, disgusting soul.
Feeds this horrible woe,
this bottomless pit of fear.
And to think, this all started with,
this idea of love, love.
In love, I have been, and am.

i have lingered too long at the pearly gates of the Sea.
these Sea-carcasses have finally untold the tale of me.
as i swim up, and by the lustful Sea’s view, a gulled you,
i see, allll the wonders of the Sea, (surrounding me)
and as i believe i’m swimming up with the intent to find air,
i’m caught in awe, and start to know, (the Sea is all i can bear)
and as i think i’m swimming up, i could possibly be swimming down.
this Sea keeps me undrown.
i will forever (in this Sea) see this glorious, pearly town.
a endless affair, which i can easily bear.
i swear, the Sea constantly flooding me, (tastes like the stars)
i need to swim back down, and find those pearly bars.

With my limp over watered body in your arms, You escort me to land
You sweetly place my body on the sea shore, I try to stand and stay with you, but I'm stuck in this sea kissed sand
The tide is coming for me
My long sea legs aren't meant for land, you leave me on this shore, I knew this sea would be the last of me
The tide is coming for me
You lead me to land, I've strayed from you my sea, please forgive me!
He gulled me, he fooled me, I had hope in we
Please don't let it take me! I'm afraid, I don't want to be with the sea
You made me desert my sea, you gave me hope in not just you, but me!
Now, I'm left alone on this shore, stuck here in this horrible gore
As I knew, and will always know, here is the sea, always waiting for me
Oh my, here comes my tide, just before I die

You are a sweet fair thing
And I envy my heart,
When it howls out your name

Her blue eyes could steal a sailor from the sea
"Please don't let this be." He says
"Come, please don't flee." She whispers  

He follows in a trance, while looking into her eyes
He wants to look back at the sea, he only tries
Her eyes that seem to hold a sea are just a disguise
He has to choose who is going to get their last goodbyes

He lets go of her hand
He looks back at the sea, then at her lovely golden hair strands
He knows he can not live with his boat being unmanned
"I'm, I'm sorry, this cant be the last time I feel the ocean sand." He says hesitantly
"Please!" She pleads "Stay with me, on dry land!"
"on dry land" it rings in his head
"The ocean is where I stand." He says firmly

tell me, how does the ocean know when to stop?

Loneliness is an art form

how am i faking almost every human interaction


so well

It's funny what we do under the cloak of darkness

"tick. tock. says the clock"
ha, im watching it like a hawk.
its been an hour. where is my... "tick!"
ok, ok, it coming quick...
...
'DAYS HAVE PASSED!'
shhh, why are you talking out loud mom has asked.
stop being loud,
go back in your storm cloud.
...
ma' I need my... "tick tock clock" ...its sound is locked
should i ask. no, she will just walk
now who will i talk to
my... "tick tock clock" ...is the only friend true

"SHUT UP!"
'but...'
"SHUT UP!"

i haven't said anything... "tick tock clock."
i just miss my ding.

shutting this lustful devil up into a statue
this is what i must do, to disguise my mutilated view
the ends of its unexperienced mouth tremble and twitch
as i force myself deeper and deeper into its abyss
and those live cheeks, curiously immature
turn to an indecent pink, in my repulsive, quivering hands
this statue i have concocted in my intellect
with these incomplete slots in my brain
there are no boundless alternatives to my, unsettling masterpiece
simply produced and seduced by me

My mind enters its torture chamber
As I sit down in my computer chair
Put my hands on the keyboard and start typing

Writing my poems
My mind starts to roam

Roam into uncharted hell

a musical facade, an internally strident tone
playing artfully, an out put of a hushed orchestra
composed individualized intentions
every tune, singularly silent, like that of a revelation
hiding the sharpness of the precise melody
individually unusable
tunefully mute
i imagined licking it
i cannot hear its notes, but I desire to
maybe I can taste it?

I'm a puppet on a missing string
My love is to which I cling
A love that loves Unlawfully

I'm under the rain that wont stop bleeding
I take refuge under a blue tree
I didn't realize there is one place from where it feeds
And that is my blood sea
I climb and climb
Until I'm safe
I grab an apple to eat
My heart begins to no longer beat
The only thing that exist is the red night

And it is guarded by me, the dark knight

how far have you ventured into your sexuality
those especially sickening cracks in your filthy bones
a bouquet of dead blood, curiously, impurely artful
relish in the red
as the watered down blood settles into its collar bones
an indecent puppet, on a missing string
feel the alluring wrath of luscious disgust
curious sickness is plentiful here
this now red liquid is slithering down its throat
ahhhhh this dead, red, sea

My uncertainties I speak aloud
Mysteriously mute
I have even composed it, here! for you!
But it still seems to be inaudible to you
My dreams manifesting into violence
I know I’ve become accustomed to the unnecessary
I have reigned over my thoughts, for years, until you

you wont bother to read these until i'm ******* dead will you?

We need to talk...
To say I miss you is a lie
To say I want you is a lie
To say I like you is a lie

Truth be told...

I don't just miss you...
I ache for you like nothing else in my life I want to be with you so bad I feel sick when I think about us being apart and it hurts when I can't be with you

I don't just want you...
I need you you're my everything I can't live without you you're my heart and soul you're my whole world you're everything I need and more I would be completely lost and incomplete without you

I don't just like you...
I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone you're mine forever and ever and nothing will ever change that you will always be mine and I will be yours and only yours

her last breath whispered mercy
the ambulance rushed over with urgency
cause of death, broken heart
it was ripped apart

Bottomless values and forever floods
Into a sea that lacks shores
With skies of lone blue,
without grounds, of heaven too, but only in the Devil's view
And down below in the blue lone
Of the most stormy heart was condoned
In this land that has become sea
In this endless infection of me
And only when it was in the Devil's view
Was my demon in the blue
And in my tale of the sea,
that was never untold by me
Because heaven forgot, it impelled me
To foretell the tale of me
Until my demon,
was perfectly drowned in the blue
Only then would the Devil unfold and stay in my view

For all that ensues, I will heed

Drinking on individual circumstance
Apprehension swims
Manipulating his fluids

Liquid intentionality
Soaked in contamination
Justified with wounds

The wetness of iniquity
He is glossed in it

Questionably bitter.

     *

After ALL this,
I'm still drowning in his adoration

I'm treading his thawed spine,
until his fleshy affections have (also) started dripping

My body, slippery with him
Readily tasting the drips

Somehow, his dampness is so candied
I'm honeyed with each lick

He is very, very vivid to all that is me
He managed to preserve his fragrancy

Unquestionably sweet.

You know its true, for you I shine
I am only yours, and you are only mine
I want to be able to find you, wherever you are
Even if you are dead, and as far as the stars
I am only yours, and you are only mine
I wrote this entire poem, for this one line
And now from my mind these words flee
Who could love you more than me

i have a twisty heart.
as i pace its corridors,
i find that,
i wish i have never been loved,
i wish i have never loved.
as i pace my heart's library,
i find thousands of books,
most unfinished.
like the book Love.
it didn't even make it through one chapter.
but some are written in mastery.
such as, Sorrow.
now that, that is a 5,000 page masterpiece.
i find a Dictionary.
there is one page, one definition,  
it reads.
     love- something you never want, it brings nothing but negativity, and every type of sadness.
my heart is blurred.
as i quickly leave my hearts library,
i enter the lobby.
everything is white,
the walls, floors, the ceiling.
it almost hurts to look.
there is one thing in the room.
a chest.
i have always had the key.
i could never find what it goes to,
but i know this is it.
i slowly approach it.

i unlock it.
i start hearing a ticking,
like a timer.
i open the chest,
a heart is rigged to a bomb.
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

...

i start to choke.
blood starts pouring,
just pouring,
like a waterfall,
out of my mouth.

my face is no longer as white as snow

it's ****** from my barb wire tears
my demons are saying "cheers!"
then the Devil pulls out a chair  
and he joins the toast to my sweet despair

You have very well tailored flesh
Cultivating your features
These flesh mirrors,
reflecting the enlightening distortion
The illusions of the red
An ostentatious color
Your staggering amount of obligation
Strenuous on your fitted eyes
Perceiving so efficiently,
that your multi-spined flesh suit is wet