i close my eyes
my favorite classical slowly fades out
my eyelids move violently
i picture myself rocking back and forth  
hands folded

as I secretly listen to the music
my hands move with the sound of the violin
my feet move with the sound of the piano
and my heart soars with the composers

i try to open my eyes
i'm not rocking
my hands are still folded, tightly, stiff it seems now
my heart is still underground

The sharp mountains swallow the Sun
The sky turns red and purple
That's the Sun's blood floating into the air

whenever i swallowed that pill
i knew what was coming
nothing
no smile
no frown
nothing but a heavy coat
on me all day
covering everything
everything about me
i can't emphasize
NOTHING
enough
numbness
it is better to feel sadness, madness
than nothing at all
please parents, just let me free fall

i cannot be this nothingness ghost

It's a seldom day
I woke up to thunder
And the sound of pouring rain

I went to church Sunday like I always do
My Pentecostal Pastor could see right through me
He looked into my eyes and asked me
"Are you living for God Tana?"
I looked straight back at him and said
"Yes sir."

the true joy of sorrow

My eyelids flutter
As he says "Are you utter?"

restore me, restore life.

10w

her last breath whispered mercy
the ambulance rushed over with urgency
cause of death, broken heart
it was ripped apart

my face is no longer as white as snow

it's ****** from my barb wire tears
my demons are saying "cheers!"
then the Devil pulls out a chair  
and he joins the toast to my sweet despair

my best friend died today

It's funny what we do under the cloak of darkness

i have a twisty heart.
as i pace its corridors,
i find that,
i wish i have never been loved,
i wish i have never loved.
as i pace my heart's library,
i find thousands of books,
most unfinished.
like the book Love.
it didn't even make it through one chapter.
but some are written in mastery.
such as, Sorrow.
now that, that is a 5,000 page masterpiece.
i find a Dictionary.
there is one page, one definition,  
it reads.
     love- something you never want, it brings nothing but negativity, and every type of sadness.
my heart is blurred.
as i quickly leave my hearts library,
i enter the lobby.
everything is white,
the walls, floors, the ceiling.
it almost hurts to look.
there is one thing in the room.
a chest.
i have always had the key.
i could never find what it goes to,
but i know this is it.
i slowly approach it.

i unlock it.
i start hearing a ticking,
like a timer.
i open the chest,
a heart is rigged to a bomb.
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

...

i start to choke.
blood starts pouring,
just pouring,
like a waterfall,
out of my mouth.

how am i faking almost every human interaction


so well

Loneliness is an art form

tell me, how does the ocean know when to stop?

please,
                      tell me
will your demons
       come out...
and go on their normal route.
          or...        will they play with mine
   and dine.                                    
               dine on their hosts flesh, you and i
our hearts are first, they will be fried
their mouths      water        
while we're in for the    slaughter

You are a exceedingly seldom species,
of evil and lovely

Doesn't anyone want a moment of silence, nothing but a blank page to hide in.
To hear nothing, not even your own breath.
To see chaos, but not hear it.
Stay locked.
Let your mind soar into oblivion.
A blank page.
For you to ***** up,
throw away.
To start over.
A blank page like this once was.
Poetry you are my blank page.

Blank page.
Find it.

I prayed for a man I've never knew existed until today
His poem made it seem like he was walking through a forest of fray
'I use to believe in God'
Was a line in one of his poems, I knew the Devil had clawed
Deeply into his heart
And planted hatred, and ripped it apart

Mad for the things that have happened to him
Mad about the things that could have been

A man who's 'hope rides on mountains'
Hope that frequently goes up and down  

I cried for this man I've never met
This man I will never forget

A man I've never met

My mind enters its torture chamber
As I sit down in my computer chair
Put my hands on the keyboard and start typing

Writing my poems
My mind starts to roam

Roam into uncharted hell

My eyes shoot open
I'm in shock, I'm frozen
I'm in the middle of the ocean

Swim keep afloat
But water is slithering into my throat
I feel like I'm going to explode
I keep getting deeper and deeper, I'm like a sinking boat

I'm at the bottom of the ocean floor
My eyes are still open my heart is still beating, I want to feel the shore


I try to swim up








But it feels like rocks are in my stomach




So I sit let the fish feed
Then I begin to bleed










I see the sharks coming
My heart is drumming
















No one could have stopped the overflow  
The only thing that exist in my heart is the ocean floor

I've been in the dark for a exceedingly long time.
My eyes have adjusted.
All I know is the dark now,
it's seldom when light enters.
It's like the Sun meeting the Moon.
The Moon thinks it always triumphs.
But the brutal truth is,
darkness cannot exist without light.
They both thrive on one another.
They wont admit it.
But if the Sun died.
The Moon would soon after.
If the Moon died.
The Sun would soon after.
Because neither of them would have something to support.
Not one person would exist if there wasn't the Sun or the Moon.
If no one exist, who does the Sun have to make happy?
Who does the Moon have to make sad?
If the Sun didn't pass the Moon every 2 years,
would the Moon provide any light? Any gloomy glow?
If light didn't enter my life every once in awhile.
I would have died a long time ago.

All my candle wax has gone down half way
In two days
When there lit I'm in such a daze

There aroma is sweet
They help me cheat
Cheat my way through life, I close my eyes under my sheet
And pretend I'm roaming the streets

Its scent intoxicates
I take the bait

Willingly
Chillingly

I'm in the world I want
Oh and trust me it taunts

I think about changing my life when I wake up
But, I know I will just closeup

In this dream land

I speak
I don't seem weak

But I come back to my senses
I throw the sheets off of me, I look around, there are my imaginary fences

I blow out my candles

I say farewell
Now back to my life, mind, that I call hell

Emotionless, you can't feel one thing
Just maybe a sting

Of the love you once new
But they ripped all of it out of your heart, it was in there hands, a particle of dust, then they blew
You just want the feeling that you once new

You know all the words but you cant hear the music

You're emotionally colorblind, you act like you have them but they never really come to pass

Candle Wax is my cover
No one can see my lover
No one can see under the wax
Until my heart beats, it cracks
Little pieces begin to fall
My skin is like a porcelain doll
Full with fear
I jump back into my lit candle and soon appear
I feel sad
But no one sees, that's the only reason I'm glad  
My heart is blurred
My heart is unheard

Hate. It's the worst kind of pain, guilt is bad, sadness is bad, but hate is the sickly combination of both.
You loath.
Everything.
It's such a nasty sting.
And one person shoved it upon you.
You were a house of cards, then they blew.
     Trust doesn't exist in this storm cloud.
Nothing but screams, and there oh so loud.
     Lighting and thunder start crashing down  
There will come a time, when you learn to be heartless, only to protect yourself
Make it that the only thing that exist is "self"

Please, don't say you love me unless you really mean it.
Because I might do something ignorant like believe it.
Where is the puzzle piece? Oh! Love fits.
When your heart is broken.
Hate will be your token.
Don't be blind.
     When you are feeling around for anything to hold on to, hate, is the only thing you'll find.
     And before you even realize what it is, it will take flight.
     You'll be stuck for the ride, you will be forced to hold on tight.
Never forget these words I write.

Beware
Utter hate is something few can bear

"tick. tock. says the clock"
ha, im watching it like a hawk.
its been an hour. where is my... "tick!"
ok, ok, it coming quick...
...
'DAYS HAVE PASSED!'
shhh, why are you talking out loud mom has asked.
stop being loud,
go back in your storm cloud.
...
ma' I need my... "tick tock clock" ...its sound is locked
should i ask. no, she will just walk
now who will i talk to
my... "tick tock clock" ...is the only friend true

"SHUT UP!"
'but...'
"SHUT UP!"

i haven't said anything... "tick tock clock."
i just miss my ding.

Her blue eyes could steal a sailor from the sea
"Please don't let this be." He says
"Come, please don't flee." She whispers  

He follows in a trance, while looking into her eyes
He wants to look back at the sea, he only tries
Her eyes that seem to hold a sea are just a disguise
He has to choose who is going to get their last goodbyes

He lets go of her hand
He looks back at the sea, then at her lovely golden hair strands
He knows he can not live with his boat being unmanned
"I'm, I'm sorry, this cant be the last time I feel the ocean sand." He says hesitantly
"Please!" She pleads "Stay with me, on dry land!"
"on dry land" it rings in his head
"The ocean is where I stand." He says firmly

Winter steps firmly into the room
Fall, Spring, and even Summer are shaken
Everything Winter lays its black, brittle, cracked hands on
Loses it color
Even the Sun is frightened
Winter has a darkness of no other
Winter brings on thoughts of depression
It works its way into minds and simply
     Twists
Shoots through your eyes like a bullet to the brain
Instant and unnoticed, dead in a blink of an eye  
Then its dark thick roots feed on our brain
Then slowly claws its way down to your feet
     Relentlessly
Soon your feet are planted in one spot
You're a Winter tree, dead and dark
Your arms are its branches, for it to control
It
     Consumes
you
You dwell on one thing
Soon you smile at the thought
You long for it
     Death

Don't let that fiend
Step in and crumble your mind
Few recover
Nothing burns like the cold of snow
Melancholy is the sound of Winters trees brittle branches
Blowing through the icy, dry, wind
     Beware

Let me tell you about a story of a flood
The water was deathly, it took everyone's blood
Chilled everyone's skin, all were as pale as death
Not one person took a breath
Winter hums her tune
Now these people are trapped under ice, only to see the blue moon
This is a poem, it's a tale
Now, again, not one person is left not pale
Not every word makes a sound
You think those people underwater screaming bound
Were heard
No. Not one word
These people are an anchor on my soul
These people need to give back my heart the stole
Now no one could have stopped the downpour
The only thing that exist is the ocean floor

i secretly
never look anyone straight in the eye
afraid they will find my Flaw
afraid they'll see what is inside this gruesome carcass
i am so alone
mentally  
i am precisely like a wall
frequently passed
but never really noticed
but this makes me more comfortable
i think.
and my Flaw...
i don't know what it is
i think this might be my Flaw
not knowing

There is something about IT
I just want to drowned in it
Darkness stirs and shakes the imagination
It twists my thoughts
they run wild
leaves me utterly motionless
I am so captivated by the darkness
It is chilling, frighting, thrilling
I, IT
will slowly slaughter me
"Let it secretly possess you." I, IT whispers
As I think I, IT escapes from reality
I let my thoughts soar
But everything comes to an end
Now, I'm back, I say farewell
"Bye, I will be back oh so soon." I... say

"sweetly, deathly"
this is his voice that caressed me
"frighting, loving"
are his hands that embraced me
"Fear will turn to love, you'll learn to love me wait and see."
i close my eyes and lay there and listen to his tender words as i become raw and helpless
against his warped language that twisted into my mind as if i perceived them
i'm in a trance as my sins overcome me
i burn in hell but secretly yearn for heaven
"secretly..." he whispers

You're the anchor of my soul
You're everything I long for
You're my beginning and my end
I want to hear God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord."

God you're
Awesome,
Mighty,
Holy,
Great,
My Deliver,
My Provider,
My Protector.

I pray this will not be me
"Lord, Lord, did I not prophesy by thy name, and by thy name cast out devils, and by thy name do many good works?"
"I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"
Lord, I pray.

if I got close to people they would see who I really am
i cant let that happen
it's time to put on my mask

She's an unwanted skin tone
She's as pale as death
She will forever be alone
She knows this will be her last breath

She will soar like an eagle
She will fly high and free
She will meet and Angel
She and he will be carefree

They will make a human coveted her and he
They will make him paint paintings of their love
They will love awfully
They will love unlawfully

He is up above

He is disgusted with this perverted love
He is tired of this mess that his own Angel left
He is not going to be kind now, it's time to shove
He is doing what has to be done, many will call him a theft

But, this is what has to be done
"How can you do this to the people you have created Lord? The people you love. Send them for a eternity in Hell... To burn forever?"
Several shall ask
"You will see on judgement day, it will be here very soon." He says to himself

I'm a puppet with a missing string
The string that is gone is the one that led to my heart
Yes, past tense
That thing is a old brittle piece of history
It's not even in my vocabulary

People pity me
As if, I'm desperately lost at sea
I guess I just cannot see
See, the reason for their weeping
I have never felt more utterly free

"Always follow your heart."
The biggest lie in humanity
The emptiness and numbness
Pure bliss
There is no other way I would rather spend my eternity

As I watch the candle light flicker
I wonder if the fire has thought
If the flicker is its S.O.S.
If the flicker is it fighting in the cup trying to get off of the wick
I wonder if the fire thinks melting the wax gives it hope
Hope to be freed from it open prison cell
What a torturous life it would be, to be so close to being free
Every time that match lights on fire it is filled with glee
But it changes, it screams, when it slides into the candle
And sees its prison cell
The wick

Loneliness is like an ocean
it looks as if it could go on and on
you feel… frozen
like if you moved your skin would crack
Like if you shouted to the emptiness
It would yell back

Loneliness is like tinted glass
It looks as if everyone else sits in sunshine
While you’re in the pouring rain
Drenched in confusion and frustration
Like a broken umbrella useless
Against pouring pain

Loneliness is like... everything
Everything that exist



-- thanks for helping Jemimah --

I lit a candle today
Thought about how the fire is enclosed and has to stay
How the days must be long
Having to stay small, not being able to grow strong
It must loathe me
It longs to be free
It's holding in all its emotion, it's turning blue
Then I blew
It screamed no, but the deed was done
Or was it?
They both finally get to grin
They leave nothing but destruction
But yet we still light the candle like it is our everyday instruction
Me and my family are gone
The ambulance arrives at the crack of dawn
As the firemen puts out the last sliver of fire
The candle knows it will be back, and it knows many will admire
Many will smell its aroma, and think it sweet
It doesn't want to please you, it wants to beat
The fire is its right hand man
The fire is its number one fan

Excuse me, I must be blunt

I've been on a hunt

At hunt for, love

I've been looking below, when I should have been looking above

Most people in this generation would be disgusted with this poem

But I know where the place is that I call home

God, you are my savior

I'm sorry for my misbehavior

You deserve  nothing but the best

You give me rest

How I love you Lord

You always leave me restored

I hope and pray as his finger brushes upon my binding  
That he will flip through my dusty brittle pages
That he will gaze upon my words and find emotion
That he will put creases in my binding because I am open and closed so much
That he will run into people and drop me on wooden floors
I long to be read
But he passes along and leaves with the infamous Edgar Allan Poe

What a spell that fiend casted over me
How I would like to flee from his odd embrace
If I did he would just chase
So I choose to sit
Sit and play his little game
He is to blame
Blame for my werid love
That I shoved out
From the deepest darkest parts of my soul
His twisted ideas roll of my tongue
Like I perceived them
Like there my own
I’m warped
Please don’t think less of me
I had to work with what I had!
Now dad, please let go of me