I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

I am simply a vessel,
a container for rage
fear
a subject to test

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

can you just **** my brains out
and pretend to love me?
I'd greatly appreciate the distraction
the feeling of being wanted
your affection
DEVOUR ME PLEASE
make me feel
anything

anything but this brokeness
this twisted ****

do anything you want to me
just need me
need me
need me
need me

**** the pain away
till I'm numb
till I bleed
till words ceast to exist

cause I can't stand these thoughts
**** me into oblivion

I don't want to care anymore
I don't care anymore

dive down deeper then deep
fall
fa-fa-fa-fall


embrace the impact

crash of
your body
            and
                   the water
                           the surge of bubbles
                         the mountains of ripples

gulp
gasp
grab for air

the water turns to fire
in your lungs

fading
into the black
of the sea

take me away
tuck me under the grains of sand
burry my soul

the innocence

of the intial jump
the first foot off the ledge

Someday
my prince
     will ***..

and then so will I.

Your words are sweet
like honey
dripping from
your lips

let me taste you

mmm, your lies are sweet.

Turn the white moon red
flood it
with darkness
fire atop water
but only
with the oil
the bond
It holds us
seals us
burning and drowning
turning our moon
blood red
and our own will
we bow to it
worship it
the choices that create it
we dance to our own sad death
yes you will succumb
its most alluring to the eye
the pleasure in the pain
join us
help us
we will scream with punctured lungs
**TILL THE MOON BLEEDS RED

How can you forgive me,
when I cannot forgive myself
I'm sitting here
uncomfortable in this skin
my skin
our skin touched, fire
How can I be your fire
when our love has stopped burning
I am alone here
nothing but ash, my ash
the remains of our love
How does my heart still beat without you
I don't know how much longer I can wait
although I'll wait forever
till our forever
you said I was your forever
I never thought one person could change me
inside out
yet my heart is still on my sleeve
while yours, sits in a safe
give me the key please
your key
your heart
my heart is yours
deeply connected forever
perfectly imperfect as we
balance each other
I want no other
ever
ever
my heart and soul will not allow it

it's as if
I don't know
any other way to cope
to deal
I just want to
take the blade to my skin

like it solves everything
right?

only a little blood
only a small scar
only a constant reminder
of being ******* WEAK

I'm choking on my own breath
trying to fight this urge

oh God help me

I want to give in so bad
I'm so weak
I'm weak.

How many pills does it take?
for death to be my fate
this routine
makes me scream
woe is me
but really
woe is me

wake up tired
fight through the day
as if its hard to do nothing
fight these thoughts
die

go to sleep wide awake
thinking still
haunting
another day wasted
sweet coma
come

this routine will be
the end of me
whatever is left of me
what is left?

courage to live
or courage to end it
as if that's ******* brave!
it's weak
but I feel I can't
grow any weaker

I
Can't
          Feel

yes, some days I can get up
be normal, get dressed
be pretty, smile

some days
but not all

other days
I seem to be... paralyzed
starting with my heart
can't move
don't care to

those days
stretch time to unimaginable lengths
as far as thee eye can see
misery

today
I wish for tomorrow

Where the **** is my mind?
Am I lost between space and time?
I don't know you-
You look strange to me
familiar eyes but a different story I see
new scars and troubles, new hatred and pain
Who are you-
Have you no name?
familiar mouth but no smile
new memories, same trial
you're a stranger, I'm afraid
you wear discomfort as if you've been betrayed
Where the **** is your mind!?
are you lost between what is you and I?

I don't want you to leave me
but I know the pain is restricting you
and I know all you want is peace
I'm so scared for you to go
but I know you'll always be near
just know the older I got
the more I held your words so dear
I hope when you get to heaven
they have a big ranch in the sky
just like your home in all its glory
but even more with angels by your side
I promise to make you proud
and I know I'll see you again
You weren't just my grandfather
you were also a true friend
and even though you were stubborn
and always had your way
I will always have the greatest love
for you each and every day

the weight of my burdens
prayers of them being lifted
the depth of my scars
stories turned into glorification
I am unworthy of your name
I've cursed you and forsaken you
I tried to fight it all on my own
only to be shown this battle
was one of many -
a war against myself
pushing away your open arms
please God
forgive me for being so foolish
I know you can change this
this empty feeling
praise you and your hand
so graciously healing
I am so undeserving
and yet you love me
all of me
the indistinct grey matter of nothing
my dark
and because of you
my light

Have you ever danced with him?
The charming keane one-
Eyes as dark as night, strong broad chin
He moves straight and swift as wind

****** you- He does- so flawless
A smile to coy for the weak
Do you take his hand, such a risk?
For the touch of his lips would be your last kiss

Curiousity shall win you over
So simply disguised-
What mystery beneath him lies
To some so easily a surprise

Expected at the least, he will reach you
The music quickens in pace
Your heart beats, the last beat
The last spin, he took you- leaving no trace

and I heard the song you sang
but  
I never understood the hidden meaning
such a fool, I was
to be decieved
by your lingering voice

it's a phase
but I feel it's a disease
isn't there something that can cure me?


anything
please

And I keep trying
to have hope
faith
something
anything

my hands are open
waiting to grasp
you
someone
anyone

but then the clouds come
they
cover me
completely
utterly

then the rain starts
so quickly
haunting
pouring
screaming

ugh, what a cliche
just me
all alone
in the rain
sweet rain

I drive you to drink
you drive me to
suicide
thoughts anyway
dramatic right?
you pick the best times
to kick me when I'm
DOWN
you are no wall I can lean on
I ******* despise you
right now anyway
I hate how angry you can make me
I want CONTROL
to control my own pain
I would hurt myself
pain: a distraction from
the pain you caused me
at least I could stop it
make it last
bleed
****
I ******* HATE YOU
I'm crying
I want to scream
I have these dreams of losing control
they have to hold me back
I want to lose all control
this house is not a home
home is me alone
and yet I'm lonely
I can't even keep up
on this energy
to ******* hating you

I was someone else
different

today I am
alone

no peace in this silence
no wage in this war

tormented shadows
my shadow
a bit darker than usual

the sun was
brighter
5 days ago...

through the window, hands moving
wires crossing, tubes looping
three men, brave men
trying their hardest
you could see it in their movements
-dont let go just yet-
-we're almost there-
praying to the Lord as I watch helpless
one sits down
loosing hope
finally the exit
then the lights flashing
and the sad piercing cry of the sirens
oh the sirens
all cars move, hospital on the right
and I'm crying
wondering hoping praying. crying
for this stranger
I saw from a window
driving alone in my car

They've said, it's like drowning..
but you can see everyone else around you breathing
and nobody knows you're drowning

but for me, I know
everyone can see me drowning
I know they do
I can see it in their eyes
they don't know what to do

their words are empty
they look at me like an abomination
as if its it my fault I'm this way

Why can't you just snap out of it?
You just need to change your ways
as if it were that simple
just a pill
just a magic trick

they're scared because I've stopped pretending
that I'm okay
I can see it in their eyes
they don't know what to do

what can they do?

My chest feels heavy
my thoughts cement it
ribs crack lungs punctured
deep breath

my body is swaying
try to walk straight
knees buckle hands shake
another step

eyes sting from salty tears
as I try to wipe them away
mascara runs lips quiver
hold it

I can't sleep till morning
closing eyes but not mind
twist and turn
no dreams

I start to drown from silence
my own words are no comfort
memories feelings
empty myself


quiet.

unfocused, blurry
smudged
blink
focus again
oh I'm here
oh..
response
Yeah, I'm listening
dull
weary
there he is
yet again
invading
blurry
unreal
so close
but not reachable





so close
but
not
reachable

I am not naive
but I see good in everybody
I wish
I dream
my heart is on my sleeve
I am alone with the world
with you
I feel you
your thoughts
pain
your energy
it surges through me
it drains me
but I am always open
never closed
I will always help
stranger or friend
I have been broken
but I still trust
too quick but I feel I must
No I am not naive
this world is beautiful
I must believe

you'd walk right through my mind
and out my heart
leaving a open wound
bleeding through out the day
the image and story line
again and again
the dream catcher
over my head
hanging above my bed
the dream catcher
you gave me
you haunt me
let me go
cause I can't let you go
alone
feels like forever
I took it down
maybe now
I won't see you
unless I want to
less than a memory
more than a feeling
and yet its not you that I miss
it's.....then
I miss then
you were just a part of 'then'

One thousand more times I could try
It'd all be same
The damage the Crimson the pain the rage!
All of the fighting up to come down swallowing what I call sane
You'll never see clearly till I force this upon you
Till you feel this ******* disease
You'll never feel as sick as I do
Swallow these pills one by one and still feel no release
Let them diagnose you. Hold you against your ******* will
You're no human you disgust me
Add another ingredient to the list for your brain bleed.
******* and **** your thoughts
Survival is my only friend!
And even though I'll probably live, let me choose my end!

I think we see lightening as beautiful
because it's so dangerous
nature's strike
a flash of light
surge of energy

untouchable

I want to be like lightening
free to dance in the sky
to the rhthym of the rumble
thunder crashing symbols

arms open wide, long stride
spinning falling
beautiful
but far enough to be

untouched

word gets around
when you've slept with the town
I can't have the ****** morals
of a man?
she's a *****
how can you name someone
you don't know?

people talk
I just want to be loved
is that so terrible?
that I bring myself down so low
to be with him
them
someone

guess I shouldn't *******
on the first night
gives you the impression
that I'm easy
but I'm just sad
then I hate myself even more
after you finish and I lay there

you should leave
I don't wanna look at you
but don't leave me without
a kiss
don't leave me
please
please
don't leave

I try to control it
I am shaking
my teeth grinding
and something worse than my anger
flows through my veins
it pulses and pushes
tearing and splitting
all that is my sanity

I ******* loose it

even your voice strikes it
like a match awaiting spark
then my lungs need more air
than I can possibly breathe
and my knuckles turn white
wanting to burst out of my skin

I ******* hate those memories

*why can't I let them go?

Why do we grow up..
why do we all change
things were so simple, now they're so strange
high was on a swing
and love had no sting
nightmares weren't real and dreams not so distant
who knew it was like this
hurt was temporary, healed by a kiss
stories had happy endings, never a twist
two plus two was four, nothing more
now one plus one makes hearts come undone
scars and bruises were accidents
never ones own wish
there was only light, darkness
was hidden quickly and forgotten soon
the sun was a gift and you saw the man on the moon
memories never held you back or kept breath from your heart
it was so together, to grow and fall a part
new eyes for this world, a tougher soul
I never thought it'd be so **** cold

Men
are like french delicacies..

I've never understood
them

I want to die
and I feel like that's a normal feeling
a normal feeling
an emotion
a daily passing
but it's not
it isn't 'supposed' to be

in my dreams, my nightmares
I want to die
and its normal
it's a normal feeling
and I hate it
just as much
as I do right now

death is a normal thing
dying is normal
hate is normal
pills are normal
blood is normal
poison is normal
mania is normal
toxic is normal

I'm choking
I'm choking on what I'm supposed to be
?lamron m'i

to feel skin
on my skin
finger tips
trail down my body
follow the curves
lips touch lips
I have such a craving
a need
for human affection
I want to feel bliss
You're rugged hands on my hips
the urgent need to kiss
give me all
fufill my wish
touch me
taste me

love me
somebody...

And so it rains
As we wipe away our tears
What we thought was the past
comes back
Not as ghosts
but as living creatures
Smiling
Laughing
Screaming
Scratching
at our faces
Pausing for a brief moment
It all comes back...

You are still a thought
a picture
a memory
that crosses my mind

Time does heal but
does not erase
does not forget
things like your touch

I guess I can't let go like you
did so quick
replaced in flash
so it left a sting

I keep moving
on
pushing and waiting
for something better

I look forward to the day
I release all this
open to a new
me

without you
without your 'love'
your smile
without all that kept me holding

I saw him again
or her
or them

crossing the cross walk

but nobody was there


I assume ghosts use the crosswalk
out of old habit
maybe..

all over my body
all these bruises
from falling
in lust
not love

they cover me entirely
every inch of my skin
I can't hide
that I fall
too quickly

and they make those bruises
from love making
*******
it means nothing
I'm covered in bruises

I have this desire to slowly tear apart
a small sliver of skin
slowly entrancing me
the once blue blood hits oxygen
then turns a radiant red
it trickles down I see

with the tiny piece of metal
that glitters so bright
shaped so perfectly for me
I invite my insides out
come out
I call to set them free

and I never can forget
when I make this choice
I'll have the memory
a beautiful reminder
a faint pink scar upon my skin
shows ever so slightly

Forgive me Father
for I am lost
I used to know
who I was

Forgive me Father
I am un-pure
I used to protect
who I was

Forgive me Father
I am ashamed
I used to be proud of
who I was

And you see Father
my actions are cries
I am a stranger to
who I was

So lead me Father
I will follow again
and I will be better
than who I was

pounding in my temples
incessant painful pounding
makes me grind my teeth
clench my fists
this fury starts in my stomach
rises
spreads like roots, germs, lies
into my lungs
my heart
it takes anchor
heavy
cemented
with each inhale
it all worsens
the  P O U N D I N G
  the  SPREADING
    the  **CEMENTING