feelings take up a lot of space
and energy
and time

how can people casually
fall in and out of commitment
without a second thought?

you said you wrote poems;
do you write them about
playing games
with girls like me?

if we are ever side by side again
within the same space
i hope you are unable to refrain

i hope your hands go to hell

because if they do,
i promise you mine will follow suit

and we'll embrace the flames together

you can **** your own ****
because, despite what your big head may think
I am not available at your beck and call
perhaps this is what I signed up for
but perhaps not

I do not belong to you
so just because I respond doesn't mean it's not a choice
it doesn't mean I'm not choosing others
at the same time I'm choosing you
and it never means I'm not choosing myself, over everything

Here’s the thing:
I am okay because I’ve learned how to distort the pieces of us, the pieces of our story
I forcibly separate the past from our current reality
The you I know now isn’t the you I used to know
The feelings I felt for you, the words you spoke that filled me with an irreplaceable notion of happiness, are all distant memories
They have no place in our present

Even though I see you now, even when we’re sharing the same space, same bed, same air
I miss you
Because the you that I fell deeply in love with
On a bench alongside the garden of roses beside the lake
Alone on a balcony in Paris
By your side on the dock, underneath the blanket of stars that allowed us to fool ourselves, fall for the facade that we were possible
Isn’t the person you are to me now

You are unreachably distant
I think you’re choosing to be different
To help me, to make it easier on you, who knows
You won’t let me in, and I don’t know if it’s because you’re afraid of what that will mean for you, or what that will mean for me
Perhaps it’s a little bit of both

You could be simply a victim of your own immensely busy life, choosing to rarely classify me as a priority
Or maybe you’ve decided that we’ve been reckless, careless, stupid, one too many times

But I don’t know how to be anything aside from that
One word from you, one glance my way
And I realize that denying that, denying you, would be turning down an irrepressible part of myself
A part of me I will never be able to ignore -
because it’s the part that will always belong to you

He smiles and his chocolate eyes do too
He has dimples and a grin that promises the best bad things
He makes me want to live outside the lines
Create a mess, albeit a beautiful one, that refuses to disappear with ease

sometimes things end
and that’s okay, because it is life
but just because something isn’t anymore, doesn’t take away from what it once was
because even though now we are close to strangers in passing, occasionally acquaintances
doesn’t make the love we once had any less important

like when we were younger and impossibly perfect in the moment where Anna Sun blared and you smiled and I echoed it, where we were pieces of sunshine that fed off the dying rays outside that tickled our cheeks, along with the wind that blew in through the open window as we turned the corner, coming inevitably closer and closer to what we knew in our bones would be our untimely end

the point is: i love you, and perhaps you once loved me
we had our moments
and they were wonderful
they’ll always have a place in my heart

i hope yours has room for them too.