maybe in the future,
I can find what I’m looking for.

it feels like I’m just wasting away.
a corpse in the closet,
waiting to be found.

the sound of seats scraping against the floor
rings against my eardrums as I sit
at my desk.
my eyes dart over to yours across the bland classroom,
the melody from your headphones jumping with joy.

your long hair, usually bound, now spills free–mesmerizing.
the soft strands yearning to be felt by my slender fingers.
I realize I stared for too long,
because now you were looking at me
with a look I couldn’t read.
now I wanted to look away.
but I don’t.
we’re locked.

we stood for the pledge, the other students masking our
view of each other.
I stare down at the peach-colored floor,
my bashfulness shrouding my mind.

during the moment of silence,
I picture me and you,
far across the land,
frolicking in a meadow,
the spider lilies tickling our legs,
our fingers laced together,
the silence we share is not uneasy.

but, in disappointment, I know
that this is just a dream I carry,
just a painting on the canvas of my mind.

these ****** playing for both sides
i gotta watch my step

dealing with cards I dealt
i tend to overstep
i tend to-
im tryna find myself
tryna define the pen
water repeating cycle
vacuum the rug again
vegetables in the sink
i tend to overthink
i'll never get over this
feeling anemic again

the **** can take a toll.

I was frantic.
The sound of her pitter patter was enough to make me shudder.
I hear a second pair of steps as well,
probably her client.
Mama was a ****.
"Kou, get down here!"
My body goes rigid for a moment, but I relax and hurry downstairs.
The Mother was not to be kept waiting.
.   .   .
I creep down the stairs, careful not to be noisy.
Mama hated that.
She was a tall, intimidating woman, standing at 5'11,
attractive body,
pretty face,
all you would expect out of a *** worker.
She points to all of the mess scattered across the house, her doing.
"Get to it. With haste."
She takes her client, a man who looks like he's in his late 20's
up to her room and closes the door.
.  .  .
Only 5 minutes after I start to clean, the man comes down and leaves out the door.
What a loser quick shot.
Mama stomps down the stairs and immediately gets in my face,
her breath reeking of smoke and alcohol.
.  .  .
The beating was quicker this time, but I still felt the burning hatred inside of me.
I was going to **** that *****.

I really ain’t been sleeping right,
shivering but I’m not cold

midnight, face first into the pillow
thoughts feeling ethereal
dreading the morning, eternal rest is what I’m feeling
ah ****, there he goes again
talking about his problems
everybody go through something, you ain’t special.

tryna find something in these words that I type up
i wanna be alone, but I also envy the friend groups
why do the morally wrong get all the praise?
tryna figure out all this **** in my brain
thoughts are chafing.

ima be alright though.

smoke alarm still chirping,
my forehead against the wall

cycle of sin, tryna stop it
typing this in, prolly drop it
wait, lets weigh my options
2 weeks, a fortnight
till this **** will be over with.

i been alone in my **** for the longest,
future ain't as predictable as it seem
tired as ****, ain't been sleeping right
at the bottom of the pit,
seeing hallucinations of the past
my presence is fading

it’s kinda awkward now.
kind of like a void, you know?

we were talking, and now we’re just not.
I wonder what’s up with her?
honestly, I thought it was going well
until it wasn’t.
keyboard been abandoned too,
haven’t even been jotting stuff down.
so infatuated.

i love that girl though.

Look, I ain't been to prison but this feeling's the same
My mental simmered down like some fresh fish on a plate
You can taste the sand.
My posts don't get any play
Envy gonna get me killed one day.

Envious of the users with the clicks on they page,
Sick of these days, mama said that this ****'s just a phase
I hope so,
cause this rope is 'bout to be the end of my days
Guess my view is looking different with age.

I step into the crooked house,
dreadful of my mother's return.

the house was a mess, per usual
her menstrual blood splattered across every tile
what a disgusting wretch.
I want to chop her up.

I creep up the wooden stairs to my door
it stays open because I never bothered to fix the doorknob.
it was bright in my bland room, the sunlight shining
through the blinds
my puny retinas are unable to handle it, I hurry and shut them.

I can hear the front door whine.
I wince.
She's back.

mind blanking
can't think up of nothing to write so I'm waiting
for this state of loneliness to end, I'm complacent
envious of my peers, I'm shaking
take a drag of the cig, I'm fading
faded
****

solace on repeat, feeling like taking a break
a long one though, cause eternity waits
for no man, my hands in the gutter
mail my mother my ashes in the face of a blunt

no one been praying for me, I haven't been praying for no one
haven't been praying at all, I don't wanna blow it
all off, or my life is a wrap
tired as ****, sleep schedule been off the map

the pen can't even tell that my life white and black.

We was going big, you was holding on to your antics
She fancy how I handle her in the span of a second
At the function,  it's blatant racing for the cannabis
It's no hope for me, I ain't got no dopamine
Got nothing to show for me, Ima need a token, see
the chicken crossed the street in my days
Got to get on my feet in my ways
Got to keep an eye out for these snakes
Serpent, keep on hissing, ima deal with him
like some cards on the wood, I can't chill with them
Stuck in an igloo with the finest of ranks
Finest of days, mama said its really hard to be safe
I ain't concerned with you.