#undeserving
I cannot forget
While you deserve the whole world
I deserve the dirt
Jun 19, 2025
Jun 19, 2025 at 7:19 PM UTC
I look across the street
at the woman walking by.
Her slender form
in bright reds dressed,
a beating crimson heart
against the exsanguinated grey
of dry asphalt.
I look across the street
and dare not move.
Because my mother
raised me undeserving
of the time of someone
whom bleeds life into
an exsanguinated day.
I look across the street
and nothing more.
As my father taught me
to live unremarkable
and let all songbids
fade away from memory...
I could not walk with her.
I lay here
on ashen asphalt
and wait for the red
to bleed out of sight.
I look across the street
and exsanguinate
any hope of lasting love.
May 31, 2025
May 31, 2025 at 1:39 PM UTC
i love them,
"do you?", whispers my mind.
"i do," murmurs my heart.
but i stumble,
always.
words slip,
unwelcomed,
uninvited.
i don’t deserve them.
a tear falls.
the mirror blurs.
"it’s over already," the mind sighs.
Jan 19, 2025
Jan 19, 2025 at 3:18 PM UTC
For God So Loved the World
that He gave his one and only begotten son
For God so loved the World
that He saw our sins and didn’t call it “done”
For God so loved the world
that He sent a lamb to be grown for slaughter
For God so loved the world
and we chose to hate us… harder and harder
The Heaven rejoices, the night’s stars delight
The night runs gleefully in a bright satin light
The people around me, scurry with the customs.
The people around me, quaff honey and merry
The people around me, buried in delicatessens
The world reminiscing in carols with cake ‘n wine
But remember Christmas, not for its colour and pop
‘Tis the dawn of our deliverance by Love from atop
For God So Loved the World
that He gave his one and only begotten son
For God so loved the World,
that He paid a price in blood for us, bloodhounds
For God so loved the World,
and we chose to gracelessly trample our brothers
For God so loved the World.
and we chose to hate our kin, harder and harder.
Harder and harder.
Dec 24, 2020
Dec 24, 2020 at 2:45 PM UTC
i lay here hollow
for you to fill the spaces between my temperaments
im so sorry i have enough anguish for the both of us
and that it may feel you can’t stand the burden of your own around me
But the lovely things between each switch
bring me unimaginable hope
That one day you can feel the same
i will repent every misery laid onto you
because im undeserving of your heart
im undeserving of your embrace
feelings i fight that say I’m undeserving of you
may one day i can awake
feeling that I deserve you as my only faith
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 6:31 PM UTC
I want to love
But I hate me
So what love I deserve
I cannot see
Pray and hope
For someone to embrace
Glance in the mirror
And I'm not worth the chase
So back away now
Before my heart latches on
Don't step so close
So I can tell myself it's wrong
Frail and grasping
The slightest kindness
And you outshine the sun
I will never bare that likeness
In my eyes
As much as I want
Don't touch me
It's a cruel taunt
My heart sprints to keep up
Attempting to reason
With a self mutilating mind
Saying to love me is treason
So don't touch me
I'll love you for a while
Tell myself I'm undeserving
Move on, nod and smile
And you'll never hear a word of it
Oct 16, 2020
Oct 16, 2020 at 1:40 AM UTC
too busy feeling sorry for myself
to listen to them,
my pain hurts others in unforgivable ways,
when can I stop fighting this battle?
coz that's when I can stop fighting them
their trust and love
I don't deserve.
this battle isn't theirs,
its mine
I need to do what's right,
one touch and it's all gone.
then I can stop hiding,
stop fighting
against them.
breathe one last breath
they'll cry for a day,
but realise its all for the best
things will be easier
for them, not just me.
the war I'm fighting- over
I admit defeat
i'm sorry
like sorry can cut it
Jun 25, 2020
Jun 25, 2020 at 10:45 AM UTC
Do you miss me?
Do you love me?
Do you care if I live or die?
Why should you?
Why would you?
I don't deserve your love
I don't deserve your caring
I don't deserve you
And I never will
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 12:41 PM UTC
You know I feel like ****
Not complete **** just ****
I also know it's my fault
Slowing down on my meds
Not stopping
Just taking less than perscribed
I do it to stay focused
It's either Focused and depressed
Or happy and all over the place
People like me more focused
I'm less annoying
I'm more bearable
But more depressed
Luckily
Sadly
Thankfully
They can't see that part
It's this or Happy
But then I can't focus
I get bad grades
I annoy and **** people off
People don't like me
The only person who does is me
But why
Why do the drugs have to be 1 or the other
They cancel each other out
So it's focused or depressed
Or a little of both
I feel like I should be more focused during Lancers [marching band]
But then I'm more depressed
And while I feel like ****
I also feel that
I Deserve It
I am a better person while depressed
I can help those in the same situation better
I can help others more
If I'm happy
It is Not fair
I feel like a failure to those I've told about my mental health
I told them I'm depressed but then I'm not
Am I a liar?
Am I a failure?
...
Well that one's easy of course
I'm a failure either way.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy
....
I feel like a liar
A ******* discrase
Who am I to say I have depression when I'm happy?
It's not fair
What about all those who don't feel the way I do with the same past
When They are on drugs
What if they can't get those drugs?
How's that ******* fair?
How?
I want to live
But if I live, I hurt
If I hurt do I deserve to live?
They only care for you when you say your going to **** yourself
What about if you aren't there Yet
At THAT moment
Then what are you?
Invisible....
And why are there so many of us so ******* depressed?
Just stop it please
Give me the pain of everyone and let me suffer by not killing myself
But suffering with it while alive
To eliminate everyones depression
It NEEDS TO END...
Please
Just stop
But not for me
For everyone else
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
...
..
..
..
.
what do I do
Jul 6, 2019
Jul 6, 2019 at 11:10 AM UTC
how could You
love something
so selfish
and
broken
and
confused
and
undeserving?
how could You love a sinner
like me?
But I suppose
That’s what The Cross is for.
Jun 5, 2019
Jun 5, 2019 at 11:26 PM UTC
You have a good woman
Who did any and everything
For you.
It’s such a waste of her time.
It’s such a waste of her effort.
I couldn’t see before but I understand
Why you don’t deserve her.
May 6, 2019
May 6, 2019 at 4:07 PM UTC
remembering
how we used to be
back when
I couldn't breathe
call me breathless
bc you were breathtaking
and mine .
you were like a rose .
beautiful yet dangerous
with thorns tipped w poison .
grew up through a crack in the cement ,
felt nothing but continual abandonment
and an ache
for something you know nothing about .
maybe you were more like an onion .
each time you pull back a layer ,
there's always another
in its place .
had heart of ice ,
one I tried to unthaw .
I wiped your surface ,
and it just froze back over
immediately after .
an imperfect flaw of perfection .
someone in need of affection ,
commitment , attention and direction
you are someone
who would've died
saving me .
and that just can't be .
Dec 18, 2018
Dec 18, 2018 at 8:05 AM UTC
The music blares
And I'm stuck between bodies
Pasted together from all the perspiration,
That's when I burn from your stare
Enveloped by blue seriousness
And the crease of your frown,
You want to smile,
And something in me
Is convinced of your earnestness
I peep back with a little bit of uncertainty,
A little bit of desire
Why would you need to peer at me?
An eon of futuristic images shine in my eyes,
It's so easy to see happiness,
To feel warmth
To smell coffee next to you in the morning
But I know you don't deserve me...
You deserve more than ill health,
More than self-pity,
More than anxious worrying
So that's why
When the music blares
And I'm stuck between bodies
Pasted together from all the perspiration,
And I burn from your stare,
That I never look at you
Because I know you should save your stares for someone who you might appreciate more.
Nov 10, 2018
Nov 10, 2018 at 2:40 PM UTC
where do i end and you begin?
in the grasp, you hold me in,
when i am merely a summer breeze
or a kiss of death.
what am i to you,
if nothing more than
crashing symphonies
playing tone-deaf melodies?
i am entirely unto you,
bound to your grace
where i am held, hostage;
in the belief that if you kiss my poisonous lips
and seek refuge
where i do not deserve
such a happily ever after
but a gravestone next to yours.
Oct 30, 2018
Oct 30, 2018 at 2:58 PM UTC
As if walking down a dark staircase,
every step forward gives way to uncertainty.
Downward, tripping upon my thoughts
feeling less, and less likely to feel the sunshine again.
It’s the smell of decay, rotted souls, & tortured hearts
smothered dreams, forgotten hopes, among all the lies.
Broken hearts left in its wake, like the skulls upon Golgotha,
condemned for their crimes.
That darkened staircase has become damped by tears,
fear as taken over, with its siren-like call into the unknown.
Crashing like waves, an undertow of raw emotions,
my demise now bellows from the locker below.
I’ve created this fable, where the plot twist is all to real
only to assume its identity in ghostly winds.
Loneliness, my old friend
my true undoing.
Sun rises and falls, day after day, It does not change
so will it ever get better with the dawn?
Do the monsters I've brought to be, ever vanish into the darkness, forever?
For I know I’m not alone, no matter how I feel.
HE walks along side me lovingly, waiting for my less than faithful cries.
Unconditional, Unconventional, Unrelenting Love
No matter my feebleness, my flaws, my imperfect human form,
Forever will HE make good on his promises to me.
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 2:33 PM UTC
Underneath my skin, in a corridor of void occupation
I am blindfolded, threaded along the tracks of my mind for yet another time.
Blisslessly awake, and I wanted to disclose to you;
It's felt like days since I knew you.
Never took you in to be a collection of pages, raveled with things gone unspoken.
I was always so curious of you and the letterings scripted across you
and I'm sorry that at the time, my eyes were so weary
lacking a voice of clarity, to speak to you with the words that you've so deserved.
the pictures in your eyes were something that always sent me to another place entirely,
sailing alongside you, a snowglobe that had passed through to the summers.
You, just as those golden linings in the clouds saw it fit to decorate my memories, your reveries
always evoking me towards a warmth that I held so dearly.
I never noticed that you were thorned, just as I.
And so things went amiss quite fast, just as they came
Hesitating too much to let myself fall forwards, together with you,
sense veiled with all the things that were tethered to my spirit.
Living in between the sobriety of this circumstance and the fingerprints that were left behind.
within the tides
it had felt like I'd known you.
Swimming, while we dreamt of flying together. To the moon and back.
Later do I remember the horizon, the water below me gleaming, beaming down to the things I thought I'd known.
but by then, all that I had besides me were those obscured stars
and I realised that the sky wasn't all that bright without you,
and it had been forever since I knew you.
The elapse of time, evading these clocks of mine.
Little porclain angels whispering to me from afar,
without a trace of my voice remaining.
As those pages of yours go on without me,
As the blossums continue to fall for you,
in the distance
And I didn't know,
how someone like me
could ever know
someone like you.
Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 7:57 AM UTC
What did I do to deserve you?
Never-ceasing love for me,
The courage it took to say those
Three silly words confidently.
No. I am sure I do not.
Don't cover the desperate truth,
I have no reason or motive to lie,
You think my words are untruth.
Honesty hurts both of us,
No. The stubborn word stuck in my mind,
My own voice repeating two letters
Constantly playing on rewind.
This is how things have to be,
I thought you should know,
How awesome and amazing you are,
I lack those traits, so my answer is no.
You do not care if I am perfect,
You feel the exact opposite as I do,
To know you think you don't deserve me,
Has me laughing and appreciating you.
I smile while I fall asleep,
You must be there in my dreams,
Our minds work so differently,
Mine houses worry, yours holds schemes.
Apr 5, 2018
Apr 5, 2018 at 3:42 PM UTC
I sit here in the dark,
the emptiness that
envelopes me.
There is but one question,
one meaning and purpose,
one that I can't fathom.
Through my life, this simple,
inadequate life
there are things I've done.
I've hurt people, torment,
through my explosion of
expression, Anger... Silence
I know I've hurt you,
as painful as that is
to reflect.
Yet, through it all,
you're still here,
withstand, ever present.
No matter what explosion,
what outburst I apply,
here you are... Why.
You say it's out of love,
you say that no matter,
no matter what... Love
I've pushed, I've prodded,
pushing buttons, breaking barriers,
when I shouldn't...
I don't mean to hurt you,
I never do, I never did,
But still you comfort... calm.
No matter the pain,
the pain that I've caused,
here you are, caring, loving.
I know that you could do better,
better than what I offer
a seemingly endless barrage..
Why? Why do you stay,
stay in the place of endless,
endless pain... Why?
Is this the love everyone speaks of,
if so, why am I,
why am I so ashamed, undeserving.
I try to push you away,
because I know I...
I hurt you, yet you stay.
I love you, but I don't,
I don't want you to hurt,
not anymore, let me leave... Please
But no, you won't let me,
you continue to love,
a love that is so... undeserving.
You've done so much,
so much love, but why...
why do you put yourself... in pain?
I don't think that I can,
I don't think that I can
ever make you happy, ever again
Yet you smile, a smile so
full of love, patience
an understanding that I can't accept.
I ponder and I question,
no matter how I drag it out...
Why are you still here?... here with me...
-Navahopi119
Jan 19, 2018
Jan 19, 2018 at 5:33 PM UTC
I'm not guilt-tripping you
I'm just telling you the truth of what I think
That it will be better for you
If I think I should leave.
I can't find love, I'm terrible at that
It brings me to places where the way out
Is narrow that I have to cut a piece of me
To get through, scathed but free (I think).
But when love finds me
I panic.
Some kind of beauty I just can't take in.
Some kind of gift I don't deserve to receive.
Love can give in all its capacity
But when I can't reach that level of reciprocity
I'm afraid I might hurt love
And love would leave, scathed but free.
It'd be better for love to leave soon
Before I give love reason
To hurt, to be numb,
To cut a piece of itself to get through.
Jan 14, 2018
Jan 14, 2018 at 11:27 AM UTC
She
deserves someone
who is not afraid to be
himself.
iamthe_avatar ©2016
Dec 6, 2016
Dec 6, 2016 at 12:33 AM UTC
You see me beautifully clothed,
But deep within am thoroughly shredded;
You see me peaceful and calm,
But there are deep cuts beneath my palms;
You see me stable, the kind of woman you want to keep,
My mind is crowded with chaos, I barely sleep;
You have plans to walk me down the aisle,
Am really not sure how much longer I can travel this mile.
Be careful what you think you know,
That was me several years ago.
Oct 13, 2015
Oct 13, 2015 at 8:56 AM UTC
*life is a very precious gift.
why was it wasted on me?*
Jan 10, 2015
Jan 10, 2015 at 6:45 AM UTC