#selfdestruct
i have the terrible gift of foresight
seeing the future before it happens
the ability to bend time
when i look closely in the mirror
you know what they always say
'with great power, comes great responsibility'
but my power is destructive
i have already built ruins
before the foundation is laid
it is a terrible habit
sneaking glances at the ending
i would have gone blind
stopping everything from changing
hindsight offers no comfort
when i already know the end
i've seen it myself
because i played a hand in it
Dec 2, 2023
Dec 2, 2023 at 2:36 PM UTC
Faking it til I make it,
but there's a monkey on my back.
This normal way, I have to say,
is starting to show cracks.
Turn up to work and get boring **** done,
be nice to the ******** who think they are fun.
Clean up my jokes and censor my speech,
**** corporate blood like a well behaved leech.
I'm dying inside and I know this shit's killing me.
I feel the old poisonous tentacles pulling me.
Just get ****** up,
and **** it all off,
live your worst life,
the one that you love.
Jul 13, 2022
Jul 13, 2022 at 7:11 AM UTC
I can't remember the last time I've known such anticipation
I had forgotten what innocence looked like
Felt like
Urging the agitated cells in my being to settle
To be patient, to resist the burning ache
The intrusive impulses
To push too fast
To hide my heart behind my body
To self-destruct
Sep 27, 2021
Sep 27, 2021 at 6:50 PM UTC
6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller
9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class
14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class
16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking
18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly
20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry
23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.
people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.
Oct 12, 2021
Oct 12, 2021 at 2:10 AM UTC
burn all the study notes
smash the greenhouse windows
destroy the lab equipment
and flood the basement storage
shell anything personal
shuck any valuables
abandon this invested waste
become unpossessed
unburdenable
unpossessioned
you think your heart is broken ?
her token is silt in memory
take it to the streets at night
sully it thoroughly
and file off the organs remaining operations
make it un-abusable
and option-less
what about your face ?
bleed away
you recognize nothing
bleed actual jail from your eyes
and crawl from the fight that mauled you
claim your part in the background
a pant of the great huffin'
lose yourself in the noise
the trade
the interference
the indifference
find
you're a vile version
and drag this edition
to it's rotten point
the lowest style of limb
where you needn't fend
where you are securely unmended
a gentleman approaches...
- PEDDLE YOUR WORTH
AFORE IT IS TAKEN ?
you peer from pinhole
- THANK YOU ; I AM DONE
he looks 'the you' over
- RIGHT YOU ARE
you pass the city border
beyond the last streetlight
you have earned ghost
now you may be of some use
now 'you' are not
- canvas
Jan 6, 2020
Jan 6, 2020 at 7:06 PM UTC
she liked vibrant colors.
how could she not?
i mean,
see how striking
red looked
against the paleness
of her wrists
Jul 8, 2019
Jul 8, 2019 at 10:32 AM UTC
writing you poems feels like relapsing into self-destruction
Jul 8, 2019
Jul 8, 2019 at 12:58 AM UTC
you —
kissing the scars on my skin;
such a delicate, carefully crafted
form of poetry, honey,
i will lay it down apollo's altar.
your lips.
my wrists.
again.
and again.
and for a moment there,
they don't look like
a bedlam of veins cut open.
for a moment there,
they look nowhere near
the metaphors
used in place of my self-destruction.
Jul 7, 2019
Jul 7, 2019 at 8:44 AM UTC
I always end up
Self-destructing, leaving those
Close wounded or dead.
Mar 27, 2018
Mar 27, 2018 at 2:43 PM UTC
Please take a seat
In the back of my head
Stop hijacking my thoughts
And wishing me dead
Hand over the reins
I'll take it from here
You will self destruct
And you're insincere
I look to the future
I welcome the new
You served no purpose
And I am stronger than you
Mar 18, 2018
Mar 18, 2018 at 11:08 AM UTC
When I fall for a guy
it's like
doing ******
Barely eating
because he turns
my stomach inside
out
when he kisses me
with tongue (and he knows it).
Restless sleeping
because I hear
my skin begging
him to touch me (and he knows it).
I trace lustful
track marks,
reveling in the ravaged
fallout
but ignoring
the dark hollows
under my eyes
and ribs poking out
from crop tops--
they don't bother me
so naturally
my friends give
a full length Ted Talk
on "Being Independent:
Don't Get Attached and
Give Him Everything He Wants 101"
Family doesn't even ask
but tell me he's not
good
enough,
handing out cryptic warnings
like condoms from the RA
that isn't worth listening to.
So naturally
I ruin their interventions
with sleepover
sexcapades that not
even a wine-drunk
binge can fool
me into thinking is real.
His pretty words whispered
into my ear
are needles
into my arm--facilitating
illusions that are
just
delusions.
Jan 19, 2018
Jan 19, 2018 at 3:20 PM UTC
*if happiness was
a cake,
i wouldn't get
a slice.
i would circle around it,
smelling,
wanting & drooling
over it.
but never daring to
take a slice.
waiting for everyone to take
their share.
& when everyone has taken
one or two,
i see the empty cake plate
& sigh.
my stomach grumbles at me
again.
i am hungry, starved of food
again.
but i refuse to take a slice
of cake.
& like a sick girl, if i was offered
a bite
of someone else's slice & i ate it,
i'd *****
purging myself of the things i'm not
allowed to have.
because i'm not a girl who deserves
this cake.
& i cry myself to sleep asking myself
"why"?
why can't i just eat the cake
& be happy?
but i still refuse to take a slice
of cake.
because it seems so much easier
when i'm empty.*
Jul 27, 2017
Jul 27, 2017 at 9:03 AM UTC
Come and take me,
My misery's attacking me,
You don't have to save it,
Just destroy it so it's gone.
I look at myself and think,
I should just purposely ***** up more.
If it's easy for life to **** me up,
Then surely I get to go further.
Nothing's okay,
There's just always a facade,
To satisfy the rules,
Because the world will keep turning either way.
Of course I'm not going to sit and complain,
Vocally every second of the day.
When I'm socially active around others,
What they see is normal,
For me at least,
Even if in the background I hear screaming,
Of my thoughts never sorting themselves out,
So instead I welcome more:
Everything that eventually "left me",
Why don't you come back for some more?
If destruction's where life is taking me,
Then why shouldn't I join in,
Just another bad habit,
Won't bring the end that closer,
If anything it will make myself see,
How much I know this is getting,
Too tough for me to be.
I know how I'm acting,
Even if you do not,
I know I contradict myself,
I can't just tell you the truth,
I need to do what it is I want to prove,
Although that disproves what I assure you,
By about a thousand degrees,
From before I hear my own last screams,
As I once again ignore my very own beliefs.
Never going back,
They're so sure that's the truth,
Most of the time I have been too,
I know how to convince,
After I finally gained trust back.
The issues are almost irrelevant to me,
Because I've taken to just concentrating,
On exactly what I'm doing now,
Because I gave up the effort of relying on the aftermath.
I know the next time,
That this comes to light,
It will probably just be even worse,
Maybe it's half why I need my secrets,
To pretend they don't happen,
That they don't matter,
Because I'm back to believing that's true.
Don't save it,
Just take it.
I'm finished with trying to preserve it,
I've found there's no use,
While looking for something else without a clue,
Because everything's just impossible,
And I don't want to have to,
Get to where I cannot reach,
Maybe other people do see things in me,
Although I'm often self-positive,
In general terms,
I still don't see the point in being,
When I show up places,
It's not like I have a choice,
I've just always mostly been obedient,
If you dismiss the scratches I have made,
They won't forget the indentations,
Because they felt it too,
They felt me drop, crack, break and watched me,
Pick myself back up again,
So going back downstairs is silent,
Avoiding the inevitable from happening a second time:
Prolonging my pain,
Deafening this angry silence from them,
To lengthen out the disappointment,
They must one day receive.
Jul 6, 2017
Jul 6, 2017 at 10:09 AM UTC
An ashtray full of buts smoked away by conversations of the past.
I'll show you open wounds that can't be healed,
If you tell me secrets that, til then, they had last.
Hang up those shoes with holes of adventure,
on the subsiquencial line to nothingness.
It's not as if we'll spawn again,
you've already left me to forget,
but you can not pretend that none of this was worth anything,
that you wouldn't come back if it hadn't gone to ****
You can't just blame me for the things that you did!
Untied laces,
Missing pieces,
empty bowls and missing lighters.
unforgotten memories eating at me,
the person i was taunting the person I've become.
I've always heard the weak pull down the strong.
these inevitably destructive visions,
unfinished cigarettes,
half empty bottles flat in the morning,
stolen clothing and broken glass.
I doubt whatever this seems to be,
the feeling that hits me from the past,
a confused, somehow nostalgic me.
Yet, everything is better now,
no one to be harmed by and no one to soak up disrespect from,
only a perfect protray of everything I lacked before,
and this.. this is what I've been in need of,
a reliability that I love and they may love me in return.
Dec 8, 2016
Dec 8, 2016 at 5:17 PM UTC
I used to think love was when someone gave you a warm tingly feeling,
If cherry chap-stick erupted into an emotion,
If cotton candy could bleed.
Now I know that love is heavy.
Love is heavy and sweet, with occasional bitter layers in between; love has a mouth on it.
Love will keep you in line.
Love will blur the lines entirely but still expect you to remain inside
them.
When you feel love, you become drenched in it, you are simply sopping wet with irrational decisions spawned out of love.
It is a weight I will gladly carry.
I will walk into the ocean with no stopping in sight carrying armfuls of love.
Nov 23, 2016
Nov 23, 2016 at 6:02 AM UTC
Nothing in particular
Just high
Addicted ****** ****
**** my liver
Kidneys
Dissociation is the key
I've spotted the freight train
Have I made it?
Bring me there I beg you
Spoon me
Me, the spoon, all me
Drink DRINK like a FISH
pop pop pass percocet
C-c-c-c-c-cocaaaaiiinneeeeee
***** ****** bored, dumb
**** my LIVER AND KIDNEYS
Dolla dolla nose job **** a stuffy
**** me on a tuesday, sneez sick puppy horsey
Cant finde me
Kant fine me
Run run run run run baby, yes ya do
Explain but not excuse
Substitute kkkills as much
Methadopamine or a xany ***** one night
Dextrahydraphetamine, ketamine meta-clean
Don't try. Understand to
Completely
Every spring runs dry
**** son, 'least enjoy the high
Nov 21, 2016
Nov 21, 2016 at 2:50 AM UTC
Trusting her with a book of spells,
With all the knowledge of destruction for yourself,
Teaching her each and every incantation,
Letting her be to practice it all.
Even if there's no certainty that she won't use it on you,
But you are willing to bear the pain if that is what she wants,
Because you know you are willing to give your entire soul to her.
Now that's a great sacrifice for someone.
To be able to give your all to the person you truly care.
-HIY
Aug 27, 2016
Aug 27, 2016 at 8:42 PM UTC
6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller
9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class
14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class
16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking
18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly
20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry
people don't understand the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.
Apr 22, 2016
Apr 22, 2016 at 1:45 AM UTC
***** gin, wine or ***
Anything will do
A girl needs something strong
Just to get her through
In this utter crap & solitude
To which I find I'm living
My friends are Henny's cider
Or any other sin
Tobacco and not eating
Are helping me lose weight
And perhaps a line of coke will do
To deaden all the hate
I really should take more care
Especially for the child
But I still can't quite remember
The last time that I smiled
To self destruct is what I know
From years of selfish pain
But I will pull through
I will be strong
I will return again
(C) Pixievic 2016
Feb 24, 2016
Feb 24, 2016 at 3:34 PM UTC