i once recalled your memory,
full of heart & sorrow,
heavy is the weight of speaking your name.
i sang a song of longing & regret,
begging for a conversation
to fill the empty air you left me with.
but once the air was full
& satiated by a newcomer,
the glass wall i built around me
had shattered at my feet.
left with nothing but the ever-open,
bleeding wound that i call you.
his words & thoughts may flow likewise,
but his eyes could never hold you
the way mine so selfishly long to
& i feel the familiar ache for the millionth time.
you haunt me like my shadow,
you come to me in waves,
you carved your name in my chambers
& left it desolate for the next.
although my love has renovated,
your name is embedded in the walls.
i cover it with beautiful paintings,
made with new memories, hoping to forget.
so when does it end, the ache, the guilt,
the longing, the love?
i pray to god to grant me mercy
& leave me with an answer
of how to let it go.
Oct 18, 2023
Oct 18, 2023 at 1:53 PM UTC
if i did not exist
i wonder if the world would know
have i left enough of a mark
i wonder if i did not exist
who would kiss the stars
& tell the moon she is beautiful?
who would nap on the clouds
& sing to the trees?
who would thank the sun for shining
& watch the animals play?
if i did not exist
who would invite you to dance in the rain?
who's face would you see in the sunflowers?
who's name would linger on your tongue?
who would be resting in your heart right now?
if i did not exist
who'd make you laugh in the kitchen?
who'd ask you to taste her recipes?
who's arms would you feel safe in?
who would hold you tight at night?
who would make your eyes light up?
if i did not exist
who would give you advice & guidance?
who would tell you she's proud of you?
if i did not exist
who would have taught you it's okay to cry?
who would have taught you to be kind?
who would have taught you to embrace yourself?
if i did not exist
i don't know if the world would know it...
but i think it would feel it.
Mar 15, 2023
Mar 15, 2023 at 2:56 PM UTC
black like licorice
& purple like poison
the cloud-like entity takes hold
seeps into the crevices of the mind
whispering to you to end it
it holds you in its pillowy arms
& sways you gently
like a mother holding their child
so comfortable in its cradle
you don't realize you're suffocating
until it's too late to breathe
Jan 21, 2023
Jan 21, 2023 at 5:35 PM UTC
how do i tell you?
how do i put into syllables the roaring of emotions i feel within?
the loneliness that plagues me
the regrets that haunt me
the ache in my chest
& the lack of air when i choke on all the words that are waiting behind my tongue to stumble out that i push back down so that i dont ruin the moment
how do i tell you i miss you?
without it sounding so desperate for connection?
how do i tell you i need you?
without causing you to worry that i should be hospitalized again?
how do i tell you how deeply i love you?
without suffocating you or making you assume it's romantic?
how do i tell you that i cry at your photos?
feeling left behind like a photograph of a memory you no longer have
i radiate with pride for how far you have come, for how beautiful your soul is
& slowly drips in the jealousy of a forgotten feeling, happiness
i can't remember the last time i woke up to feel content & secure within myself
i can't remember the last time i felt loved & grateful for more than a few fleeting seconds
before the imposter syndrome takes over to steal the moment away from me
somewhere deep in the cobwebbed hallways of my mind, i know
i know that you would care that im in pain
that im struggling to stay alive
somehow i know
& yet that very thought is exactly what prevents me from saying a word
you cannot know how hollow i've become
you cannot see the person you once knew wither away before your eyes
how do i tell you how ashamed i am of myself
falling back on all the bad habits you were once so proud i thought i had gotten past
falling victim to the same toxic love i barely escaped before
how do i tell you how desperately i cling to anything that can alleviate the pain for a single day
the food, the shopping, the desire to self destruct constantly looming over my existance
how do i tell you without being vulnerable
what joke could i tell that would reveal it all but keep me in the safety of my aloneness that i have grown to find comfort in
how do i tell you...
Aug 15, 2022
Aug 15, 2022 at 12:30 AM UTC
if you want to leave me behind
i understand.
your mind had blinders that
leave you stubborn
you refuse to believe anything good
could come of this
as if it were up to you alone to hold
the weight of the world
a goal so admirable
yet so misguided
you light yourself ablaze
& complain that it's too warm
as if you didn't pour yourself in gasoline
& light the match
all this pain you burn yourself in
is purely self-inflicted
& i got caught in the crossfire
you lock me in the coldest recesses of your heart
as i watch you burn down
the most important thing in my life
where are the words to stop you
what strings of vowels could my mouth make
to push you into the safety of the water?
if you would only let me free
i would be there to pull you out
i promise you i would never let you drown
if only you let me be there
to be your lifeguard
Aug 6, 2022
Aug 6, 2022 at 6:00 PM UTC
again, i hang my head in shame
a victim of my own impulse
burning every last good thing i have
i dont deserve any peace of what i have
the god of destruction laid its home in my chest
& has ceased to loosen its hold on me
i built the universe only to be afraid of everything honest & real
i have spread my fingers over the land only to embolden the wicked & punish the good
i have betrayed any trust you have laid in me
& tonight i know it ends
because again, i hang my head in shame
knowing i will break your heart
with nothing but the truth
i am a victim of my own impulse
which must mean i am no victim at all...
Jun 29, 2022
Jun 29, 2022 at 8:14 PM UTC
i want that quiet, gentle kind of love
like the silence of the ocean when it's calm
don't get me wrong,
i'm in awe of the fire kind of love
that passionate, lustful kind of love but
everybody knows
you play with fire & you get burned
& sure, i know i could tame your flames
but how boring would that be?
see you dulling your light for me?
feed your fire on my fire & we'd burn down the world
if i'm the sun, think i better find me a moon
there's only so much heat i can stand
i can only burn so long for you, before i -
burst - fireworks only flash for a second in the sky
it's time i got me a candle to last me the whole night through
i want that gentle, quiet kind of love
i want the love that makes me feel safe to be me,
in my mind, body & soul.
Jun 28, 2022
Jun 28, 2022 at 5:45 PM UTC
& the beautiful boys
Love the beautiful girls with
Fragile hearts
& delicate bodys
Who dont seem to notice they're lovely
& that's why they dont love me
I'm not that kind of beautiful
My heart is as strong as wood
But wood can still break
I'm a single tree in a field of flowers
Watching all the beautiful boys
Pluck them all one by one
& dont you know that
Picking flowers makes them wither away?
What a tragedy
It seems that the only kind that visit me
Are the kind that want to rip the leaves
To leave me naked & weak
I wait for a storm to come along
& take me down
If a tree falls all alone
Does it still make a sound?
Jun 11, 2022
Jun 11, 2022 at 3:22 PM UTC
maybe if i told myself "i am beautiful" enough,
one day, i might believe it
Apr 9, 2020
Apr 9, 2020 at 5:10 PM UTC
_i always get the same gift,_
_just wrapped in different paper._
_i pause, i listen,_
_respond, honestly._
_i pause, reach out,_
_remember, i love you._
_i pause, awake early,_
_you rise, feast on my labor._
_i pause, i pay,_
_open wallet, for our memories._
_i pause, remember you,_
_a simple gift, out of love._
_i pause, i pause, i pause._
_i pause to give,_
_give all of what i have,_
_to love you, care for you,_
_to bring a smile to your face._
_my pauses become longer,_
_my body becomes weaker,_
_my heart becomes depleted,_
_my mind becomes scattered,_
_& im exhausted._
_so tired that my eyebags have eyebags,_
_my tears like a dried up lake,_
_my heart shriveled & empty._
_i gave all of me, all i had._
_every pause belonged to you._
_but none belonged to me._
_you look confused,_
_upset, hurt._
_you scoff, angry,_
_that i have become empty._
_you think i am neglecting you,_
_i try to pause for me._
_you accuse me of selfishness,_
_accuse me of manipulation._
_you say my pauses were calculations,_
_that i am only there when i need something._
_but i never needed anything,_
_just for you to..._
_pause._
_the gift i get, is all the same_
_just wrapped in different papers._
_leeches, vampires, vacuums,_
_anything to **** my heart dry._
_yet told that i should be grateful,_
_for receiving a gift at all._
_but all my pauses are gifts,_
_gifts of all i have to offer._
_to give a smile,_
_is sometimes all i have in me._
_but i will give it freely anyway._
_but no one pauses for me,_
_they just keep on walking._
_taking with them,_
_fragments of me._
Sep 13, 2019
Sep 13, 2019 at 11:39 PM UTC