#relationshit
6 months ago,
when i thought about you
i still felt sad
through and through.
and now,
i just hope you're happy with her
to be the man she wants
and to love without fear.
Nov 24, 2020
Nov 24, 2020 at 11:28 AM UTC
they said we fall in love at 2 a.m
when you and i fight with our demons
and spill out our swear words
they said we fall in love at 2 a.m
when our problems are revealed
and our scars are redeemed
they said we fall in love at 2 a.m
when conversations starting to sprout
and promises starting to knock us out
and i left my last words at 2 a.m
when you slam the flam
and that night you feel ashamed.
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 12:47 AM UTC
Once upon a time
There was a perfect relationship
That doesn't exist.
The end...
Oct 28, 2018
Oct 28, 2018 at 10:49 AM UTC
Your apology meant nothing to me.
Your apology was not meant for me,
Your apology was meant for you.
Your apology was pathetic.
You only did it to save your mind from eating itself in the middle of the night.
Constantly chomping at the thought of our last conversation.
The one where you called me selfish because my feelings were hurt.
The one where you said we would never work because our trauma doesn't match.
The one where you said I couldn't possibly fathom being in the same house as my ******
The one where you told me our relationship was a pool and you couldn't understand how I was able to dive in.
The one where you told me you never wanted a relationship.
The one where you threw me away like a rotten banana peel.
Like a banana,
I opened myself up to you.
Peeling my layers one by one.
I started to get bruises from all the nasty words you said to me,
you said to my friends, and
you said to my family.
But I was still good.
I was still a sweet, ripe banana.
You always knew how to make me feel ashamed for being a bruised banana.
You were right,
we will never work.
Your reasons were wrong.
We will never work because I was never what you wanted.
We will never work because you could not open yourself up to me.
There were things you kept from me that I never would have kept from you.
Our trauma doesn't match because I'm working through mine and you're still on the first step,
afraid of what the next step has in store for you.
I have learned how to handle my trauma while you still let it eat away at you.
You let your trauma control your life.
I won't let my trauma control mine anymore.
Our relationship was like a pool,
I was ready to dive head first into the deep end
while you stare at me from the steps,
unaware of how to swim.
Our trauma was like a pool.
I jumped head first into the deep end,
tackling my trauma head on.
Ready to face my fears,
confront my ******
my abuser, and
my family.
You stood on the steps,
getting your toes wet.
With multiple swim floaties
and a group of people encouraging you to jump in.
You were afraid of what you'll find at the bottom.
Even with floaties and people cheering you on,
nothing will ever be enough.
We will never work because I cannot be the counselor you seek.
Jul 17, 2018
Jul 17, 2018 at 1:25 PM UTC
I have something
I need to get off my chest
and this is the way
I know I can bring it out best
Two thousand and eleven
was supposed to be my year
that's when you left me for him
and you thought everything we had
was just gonna be another fling
Girl, I don't play people
It's not my thing
I almost made the mistake
of letting you go
I could have left you in the dust
and moved on through this life
When the message I sent you
said I needed time to sought myself out
You replied with, Why? and laughed
I thought about every single word
put so much thought and effort
into every line, I said and sent you
They were the longest messages
I'd ever sent anyone
I'm not sure you gave a ****
Not sure you even care
I don't know
What I'm doing back
in the studio
Trying to make this song for you
So you see, feel what's going on
deep inside of me, what's been yearning
to be set free
and you didn't think I could communicate
like this, I'm full of surprises
What else can I say, so take the chance
allow me to explain
everything that's going on
deep inside of me
Uh, he acts like he owns your heart
But he doesn't know much about the art of love
And I'm not gonna let him
Tear what we have left apart
I'd fight for you, Die for you
I'd fight for everything we have left
so if you want this, you'd better start
showing me a little more interest
If you want me to stay
better say something
this is getting ridiculous
Can't read your mind, every single time
I'm tired of chasing, playing silly games
Girl, am I some sought of back up plan?
I need a little more respect
If you want me to invest
All this love I have for you
I'm taking a little more control
So if you don't want me anymore
Say something, so I can let go.
I don't know
What I'm doing back
in the studio
Trying to make this song for you
So you see, feel what's going on
deep inside of me, what's been yearning
to be set free
and you didn't think I could communicate
like this, I'm full of surprises
What else can I say, so take the chance
allow me to explain
everything that's going on
deep inside of me
I'm not some sought of hypocrite
Believing in every feeling that you're giving
So you better slow it down
Explain to me what you want to do now
Can't read your mind honey
Sometimes I need a little direction
I don't have the power of perception
stop playing me like a fool
Can't fight for someone
When they don't want to be fought for
What's the point of giving my all
To somebody that doesn't want me around no more
So show me a sign, that you want me around
I ain't playing second so I can be your rebound
someone you can bounce back off
so that you still feel wanted
because baby, I'm not somebody
you can just take for granted
I'll go and give another girl a chance
Because my hearts just not something
I'm willing to break again
Especially when you couldn't even give me a chance
To prove I had what it takes to be your man.
I don't know
What I'm doing back
in the studio
Trying to make this song for you
So you see, feel what's going on
deep inside of me, what's been yearning
to be set free
and you didn't think I could communicate
like this, I'm full of surprises
What else can I say, so take the chance
allow me to explain
everything that's going on
deep inside of me
©2018 Written By Benji James
Feb 3, 2018
Feb 3, 2018 at 5:11 AM UTC
I thought you knew the chaos that I'm in,
All of this time you got me wondering,
Have you not known that I know all your sin?
With all these thoughts you got me pondering.
Was naive, did not notice your mistakes,
Oh I was blind that I did not look,
We both know a small talk is all it takes,
But you still went over to your new hook.
I felt so bad I just kept feeling down,
My tears were falling with the gushing rain,
In all my thoughts and problems I could drown,
Little did the strength of my heart still reign.
I had the chance to express and speak up,
I told you all the things that you should hear,
Crying and could hardly speak with hiccup,
Decided and said I don't want you near.
My decision was truly regret-less,
Because now I live my life happily,
Without the man that made me feel worthless.
Oct 21, 2017
Oct 21, 2017 at 12:28 PM UTC
Blame me,
For the knife stuck in your throat.
Blame me,
For the moths blocking the light.
Blame me ,
For the drugs in your system.
Blame me,
For the grave you dug.
Oct 4, 2017
Oct 4, 2017 at 4:39 PM UTC
i've surprised myself and
i've thought about it now
and it's been put out in the world and
i don't know how to escape its
constant knocking on the hollow inside
of my skull around
my atrophied brain that is
starved and parched
a barren wasteland of rejection and
inadequacy
we simply see the world differently
but
isn't that my entire life?
being the one who
is rocked to the core and
feels an earthquake when
it's just the quivers and shaking
of my hands as i extend them
towards you
begging for you to take me and
hide me from the truth that
you won't come back to me
that the pursuit of some
professional dream
an ethereal race towards
a person you wish to be but
is there room for me?
do i fit into the little suburban box
he sees for his future?
i manipulate
but it's not what i intend
how can my cataclysmic emotions
be expressed and yet not
interpreted as some demand
the stomping foot of an insolent child
unable to be placated until
i get my way
that's what you told me
and no matter your denial
those words are seared into my mind
and even when they've healed
and no longer ooze the
agony of being this odious person
the scars will linger
and i will remember
i've considered life without you now
our priorities don't line up
like obedient soldiers await orders
to propel them into the future
for us the future is a black hole
all that matters to me
being together
i would live in a cardboard box
and as long as i
could lay down with you at night
i could deal with anything
but you
you are driven by
materialism
a salary matters more than me
and somehow
the distance between us
doesn't seem to be a motivating factor
in finding a place here
a place with me
how can you not feel that agony?
if you loved me
wouldn't you fight through
rain sleet snow
wind
tornadoes
hurricanes
to get back to me
i would wade through neck deep water
i would run until my body collapsed
i would throw myself on the fire to save you
i would do anything
and you can't be bothered to
ever
come back.
May 31, 2016
May 31, 2016 at 1:56 PM UTC
I still hope for the best for you even though there is no future for us.
Not anymore, you made your choice, and I made mine.
Still miss you sometimes though- there are a lot of memories here.
Someone will crack an old joke from years ago, or comment on how long my hair has gotten,
(I haven’t cut it since that time you said you liked my short hair)
Here’s to hoping we both find our missing puzzle piece someday soon,
the longer it takes, the more I start to think it’s still you.
Dec 2, 2015
Dec 2, 2015 at 4:53 PM UTC
You are...
The epitome of insanity
The goddess of hypocrisy
The rebel of gracility
And the idolater of vanity
The paramount of mistress
The fixative of my embodiment
I am a failed triad of disappointment lacking your physical, emotional and ****** completeness
I'm fueled by love of my adversary's scrimmage
And broken by my lechery
Thus making me facil to your incogent persuasion.
And infatuated by your complimentary image
Though you are the demoralizer of souls
The extension of my patience
By the obscureness of your oomph
Why in the foolery are you the axis of my goals
You're an abhorrent char to my mind
Oct 4, 2015
Oct 4, 2015 at 6:44 AM UTC
you know who i am
you have seen her
dancing in flickering candlelight
heady breath wafting the
sickly sweet smell of
too many consumed beers
drowning my inhibitions
inundating my irises and
letting my eyes betray my
carefully constructed façade
the grenade you throw yourself upon
but you haven't asked the right question
have you never wondered
what i am?
i am the tolling of
bells echoing through
deserted streets
cobbles screaming for
footfalls and bustling crowds
the only witnesses to the
belfry's solemn song
reverberating off the
business fronts boarded up
to ward off the reality of sobriety
and Death's march through the streets
sending the inhabitants running
disturbed dust blinding their
frenzied eyes
who search for a sacrificial lamb
as if a swathe of blood
across the door could
keep away such an
inevitability
i am the stars
but don't confuse that with
a confession
or profession of some sort
that i'm something infinite
for you to probe
with hyper-drives and
deep suspended animation
there is no alien microbial life
lurking below my frozen
absolute zero surface
i'm only the stars that
you lose track of as
you leave the blackness of
open space and enter
a deafening city where
skyscrapers obscure
and the pollution of
a million lovers' ecstasy
drowns out the light
wrought in the deepest parts of me
and catapulted through
the lightyears of black vacuum
only to be lost
choked out by incessant
revelry
i am the heaviness that
yolks itself around your shoulders
and the night black that
wraps itself around you in
its vicious velvet embrace to
***** out your breath and
envelop you
swallow you
pinch the flame
asphyxiate your existence
i am the tunnel under
the Pont de l'Alma
a loss of control and the
echoing reverb of
skidding rubber
tires whose
black smoke chokes out
the screams which constitute
the end and last breath of
a goddess among men who
never could understand her
and in her end
found culpability
i am the petrichor haze
that settles
nestles itself into every
corner of the barren graveyard
wherein lies my comfort
and my greatest hope
my fear of names and dates
and chiseled stone
and finality that means
a peaceful nothingness
that welcomes the most
effervescent
ebullient
peace
that comes with the
cessation of neural firings
and the end of all things.
Jul 6, 2015
Jul 6, 2015 at 4:07 PM UTC
They say when you stand in front of an ocean,
the person you think about is the one you love.
But I see you, and her, and them.
I see you moving on,
I don't see you fighting for this..
I see you off in college, making "college mistakes"
girls with names you won't remember a year from now.
And I see me,
still stuck on you.
Jun 19, 2015
Jun 19, 2015 at 8:26 PM UTC
Losing you was like jumping off the high dive.
At first I was in free fall.
I felt nothing.
Everything was calm.
Just atoms floating through time and space.
Then...
FLOP
Like hitting the pool stomach first.
The pain radiated out to my entire body.
No limb left unhurt.
Stinging, aching, unable to get over it and
Just climb out of the pool.
Apr 22, 2015
Apr 22, 2015 at 9:05 AM UTC
I started smoking thinking I could burn you out of my throat, but now I watch the smoke coil and float. I'd never understood the phrase "gone up in smoke", but now it makes total sense. Here one moment gone the next, without a trace. We caught like a flame and went out just a quickly. Our romance was a slow burning candle, that one swift blow burned out. It's been a year and the smell of your cologne makes me look around the room for you. Even though I know you are no where to be found. A candle with a burnt out wick, wont relight no matter how hard you try, you just get burned.
Mar 11, 2015
Mar 11, 2015 at 5:02 PM UTC
Its hard to say goodbye.
Incredibly.
I am so sorry that you feel this was easy for me.
It was anything but that.
I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to ruin everything.
Thank you for all the things you did for me.
Thank you for all the memories.
I am sorry I was not enough.
I am sorry I didn't treat you right.
But this is it.
Goodbye my King.
Dec 14, 2014
Dec 14, 2014 at 8:09 PM UTC
he smiles
her heart flutters
like birds soaring
"i cannot fall for him
he will break me
and every wall i've build
will be wasted" she says
as she grabs him by the neck
and pulls him in for a kiss
with a lingering thought
of how a kiss wouldn't hurt
but when will she learn
after times and times
of getting her heart
broken trampled and torn apart
and as her best friend
i can only stand
and watch
as she ruins herself
falling for him
again and again
Sep 12, 2014
Sep 12, 2014 at 11:35 AM UTC
*How can you not get it? You’re everything to me. You’ve managed to crawl inside my brain and force me to strive for more. You make me want to reach new heights, explore new depths, indulge myself in new opportunities, create new endings, and find peace inside this ****** up world. You came along and you gave a way out from a cold, lonely, and dark abyss that I had permitted myself to get lost in for so long that I’d almost forgotten what the light looked like, or what it felt like to hold another close to me. I had almost forgotten the warmth of another body, the way someones eyes could latch themselves into your soul and make a home there, and above all else, the way the very presence of a person, even for ten seconds, could light up your whole day and just as easily ruin it when they are absent. All too soon, however, you’ll realize the hopelessness inside of me that I’ve become quite acquainted with and you’ll pack your bags and take the first bus to a new lover that will satisfy you with mental stability. I didn’t ask for you to come along, I didn’t ask for you to fix me, but you did and you promised me you wanted to. What’s worse, even, is that it was so easy for you to leave once you’d outgrown me, like a butterfly does its cocoon. You moved on and found a better life, one that better suited you, and one that didn’t involve me. I didn’t ask for you to come along, instead, I begged for you to stay. I didn’t ask for you to fix me, instead, I begged for you to heal me. I didn’t ask for you to leave, instead, you told me you were going. Oh, and if you’re wondering what will happen to me... I’ll just be sitting at the bus stop, hoping and praying that one day you’ll return to me, that you’ll bring me out of my cold, lonely, and dark abyss that grows more overwhelming with each day that passes when you are not by my side.*
Aug 26, 2014
Aug 26, 2014 at 6:37 PM UTC