In the in-between stage where there is just enough alcohol in my veins to try and convince me that what we had was good.
The sweet spot.
Too little or too much and all I see is the problems and why it ended in goodbye,
but here-
here I see “hey princess”-
all the “I love yous”
“I’d do anything for you”
“You’re worth it, no matter the cost”
and I know in an hour or two I’ll be thinking clearly again-
but **** right now-
I know why I stayed for so long.
Jun 29, 2018
Jun 29, 2018 at 11:10 PM UTC
It was the way we were two people with the same heart beat-
the same wave length-
that’s what I miss.
I miss knowing you were in the same room without having to look for you.
Now the silence is deafening- it’s how I imagine it feels after conjoined twins are separated.
I used to be able to tell how your how day went from just a look,
and now I battle with myself to send a text because I don’t want to bother you.
Jun 3, 2018
Jun 3, 2018 at 8:21 PM UTC
I can't write in the silence.
I write best, when there is music playing through my headphones.
When, part of my brain is preoccupied singing along to whatever is on the radio-
and to some that may seem counterproductive.
It's like suddenly, my inhibitions and fears of saying the wrong thing disappear and I can write freely.
Like being drunk, without the consequences.
I wish I was in the point in my life, I could simply say the words I need to say, instead of typing them.
Jun 3, 2018
Jun 3, 2018 at 8:04 PM UTC
I used to convince myself you only crossed my mind when it was swimming in liquor-
and that-
well that’d be okay,
‘cause even I can’t control where my mind wanders when my body is made up of more ***** than water,
but if I’m being honest you’re on my mind, even in the middle of a dry county.
But, just so you know when I shoot a text out of the blue in the middle of the night-
I’m not expecting you to reply,
it’s just me, letting you know, you’re still on my mind.
Jun 3, 2018
Jun 3, 2018 at 3:16 AM UTC
Yesterday we talked about your ideas on the Multiverse theory and how the universe’s on either side of us are similar to the world we live in and as you go further away from our universe things get more and more different. Some days I want to move to one of those universes on either side of us because it feels like my heart has been switched with one from another universe. The universe where this worked out.
Now I’m not saying I want you back or even that I still love you. I’m just saying that your theory is wrong because the matter is fluid it isn’t absorbed when it comes into contact with our universe. I know this because some days because I have the heart of the version of me who ends up with you.
Aug 10, 2016
Aug 10, 2016 at 9:52 PM UTC
How odd a feeling,
unrequited love;
it’s a lot like a switch in some respects.
Some days- it’s all butterflies and sunshine,
other days a hurricane of sadness because I’ll never have you.
But lately, the switch has been stuck in the middle,
as I don’t feel giddy and high off love, nor do I feel sad.
I think I’m finally getting to the point where,
if you were to come back, I could love you again,
but your absence does not haunt me anymore
May 23, 2016
May 23, 2016 at 1:28 PM UTC
It’s almost 5 am.
I remember the weeks I stayed up this late just to talk to you.
To hear your voice, and see your smile.
Crazy how a few bad mistakes and bad timing change your world.
Regardless, today I’m not staying up for you.
I’m staying up for someone far more special.
Me.
I’m staying up to watch the night to turn to day.
To watch the blackest night, turn into my favorite shade of purple, before turning pink and yellow, and finally breaking into a blue sky.
To remind myself even my worst day is only 24 hours long, and that the night will always turn to day.
As a reminder- that I can tackle whatever is thrown my way.
All by myself.
Apr 27, 2016
Apr 27, 2016 at 12:57 AM UTC
I’m not sure I believe in auras but I do believe in vibes.
Different people make me feel different ways.
Instinct, I guess.
I have a friend who makes me feel like I just drank 3 Monsters, and can’t sit still, constantly moving, too nervous to be calm.
Another who feels like waking up late on a summer Saturday, curled up in bed, like sunshine and freshly washed sheets.
And a third who makes me feel like I just chain smoked a pack of Marbolo Reds and can’t focus, because everything is spinning.
I believe I have loved them all, at different times and in different ways, but I’m still not sure which of the three was the best for me.
Or if everyone I’ll come to love is going to give off a vibe,
I hope they do- maybe these “vibes” are my sign,
making it painfully obvious that these people are going to mean something to me.
A reminder to stick it out and keep my heart open.
Apr 26, 2016
Apr 26, 2016 at 11:14 PM UTC
I’ve been there.
That point in life when the sun is shining, but to you it might as well be pouring rain.
I’ve gotten to the point where I was holding that blade, ready to watch the water around me turn red.
Done.
Done with the self help books, the friends who mumbled, “it will get better”, with averted eyes, because they don’t know what to do with you anymore.
When the “don’t do this” protests from even your closest friends seemed forced, because honestly, they were done trying to stop you and were getting ready to deal with the hole you would leave when you left.
I’ve watched my friends mourn me while I was still breathing.
When they were planning what to say at my funeral- as I stood next to them, a shell of the person I used to be.
I could have gone through with it, that day with the blade and the bath tub. The water ran high, all I had to do was get in, and make two slashes, but something changed.
I was calm, I was ready, steady in my resolve, but then-
the turn of a lock, a giggle and a “hi” from my little brother.
I was so caught up in my planning, I lost track of time, and I was no longer home alone.
That’s all it took.
Like waking up from a long nap, feeling disorientated and unsure of what day it was.
When people say it’s the little things that save us, they aren’t kidding.
Wait for it. The universe wants you here.
It might not be a sibling, or even another human being, and I know waiting is hard;
but if you hold out, just a little longer- you will find your sign.
The fog will lift, maybe only temporarily, but it will be enough to allow you to fight for one more day.
If you're struggling I ask of you, only one thing.
Wait through one more sunrise, and then do it again.
Take time to notice the sunrise, let the suns rays come through your dark cloud, and notice that the dark clouds and the rain, are no match for the sun.
Apr 26, 2016
Apr 26, 2016 at 7:10 PM UTC
I think that there will be some people you never lose feelings for.
Not completely anyway.
Regardless of the circumstances, that spark remains year after year.
Like one of those candles that reforms from the melted wax.
Always ready to be relight-
just waiting to see if that spark burns bright enough again to warrant a second chance.
Apr 22, 2016
Apr 22, 2016 at 10:07 AM UTC