#oldflame
it’s after midnight
an old flame flickers alive
i try to blow it out
but it clings to the dark
again, i try
again, it stays
is there no end to this?
the flame burns on
while i burn away inside
Aug 15, 2025
Aug 15, 2025 at 12:58 PM UTC
The turmoil in my thoughts is still unending,
I want to write and tell You since we met,
The certainties produced have no dependings,
Nothing any more seems to be random or a guess.
*She made memories taste of cigarettes,
From when I liked to smoke.
She was addictive like Barbiturates,
And recklessness, and jokes.*
900 hundred zeroes couldn’t count it,
The everything I feel when I'm with You.
I could climb thirty dozen mountains
And come back never knowing any simpler truths.
*Red Wine was our breakfast of Champions.
It's always later than you think she used to say,
Quoting a Roman sundial for a Reference,
Or perhaps a forgotten song by Doris Day.*
You are the only lamp lit in my room at night.
The only shadow I cling to in the dark.
I make you up as a reality in 20/20 foresight,
It is destiny you'll be the best of me in my Stars.
*She cried once when the Tide went out,
Saying it made the Beach look ugly and afraid.
Every Full Moon at Midnight was the crescendo of a shout,
Sun Risings and Sun Settings only moments in The Game.*
How do we know, really know, what is Love's cause -
The unknown unknowings we haven’t tasted yet,
The gap to freedom under all locked doors,
Keeping us prisoners in our innocence nonetheless?
*I hear my dejections in these echoes,
My own hope's reverberations off these walls,
This little poem (a loneliness) a Song from Once Ago,
And Her mystery, the Enlightenment she brought.*
...
May 21, 2025
May 21, 2025 at 1:35 PM UTC
A cold beer sweating on a hot afternoon. I mean, it was hot, man. It wasn’t just hot; it was humid. We walked along the banks of the river that ran through everything, like how you used to run from me in fields of tall grass and flowers. We were so much younger back then. We were in love. I had the capacity to feel, and you had the patience to nurture and keep me surprised, wide-eyed. I slept last night with no dreams, finally, and my stomach only hurt mildly today. I’m calling that progress. Progressing toward what? Maybe happiness and health. Maybe death. I don’t know. I can’t tell you the things I thought back then, but I can tell you who I am now. I’ve changed just a bit, my darling. The old-fashioned words you loved being called—darling, dearest, lover, sweetie—I was your suitor. I’m still here, sweetheart. I’m still waiting. I will court you again, although I may run a little slower, my words may fumble and trail off into intruding thoughts. I may wake up soaked and shivering from dreams that come. I may not be the man I once was in your eyes.
Apr 5, 2025
Apr 5, 2025 at 11:19 PM UTC
Ramadan came around
reminded me of you—
Of fasting.
Sacrificing.
Of dates,
of prayer.
And for the first time in 30 days,
I think I might call you.
Mar 21, 2024
Mar 21, 2024 at 1:19 PM UTC
I can't be the panacea you've
made me out to be.
I can't be the antidote for
what ails you, but I've tried.
I've tried so hard to heal
what I never hurt,
and it wasn't enough.
Where you see my name, I see the words:
"Down The Rabbit Hole."
( I ache for you, but hate your guts. )
I don't know how
you still have a hold,
but I never learned
how to let
go.
Wrote of red strings?
I was bound by you,
but you never showed me the truth.
*** smoke and mirrors,
that's all you gave
to me.
That,
and a selection of songs I
listened to
until they felt like my own.
And it was all fun and games
until you kissed me
to every song
I ever loved.
( How could you do something so evil? )
I can't get the taste out of my mouth,
I can't un-see the oranges you left to mold
On the kitchen sink.
Just like me,
Still waiting to be held or thrown away.
Just like me, growing green with envy
for who is seen for more than just
her packaging.
"What's the cute way to do it?"
Your impersonations hurt like Hell.
So cute. So beautiful. So glad I'm here.
So glad to see me stay a few hours more,
But you never heard me sing.
( Unless it was a song you'd play. )
Never a word meant for your ears alone.
You always thought
my poetry was about you,
so I'll gift you with this.
Bottled up pain;
The feeling of knowing the meaning too late.
I hope you're satisfied—
I only wanted you to understand.
But you've only ever ran.
My white rabbit; my Peter Pan.
When I needed you, you never came.
But I sense you, coming back.
Nov 18, 2020
Nov 18, 2020 at 3:18 AM UTC
The clouds over Antwerp (so far from home)
Caress the cathedral, barely brush the dome.
The sun is mild, and the wind soft,
Yet darker, boiling things come aloft.
Tendrils of remembrance, making me a liar –
I said I'd extinguish that treacherous fire.
A torch that shouldn't be, let alone be carried,
What should stay hidden, locked, and buried.
A flashback unbidden - your easy laughter -
There is no hope, not in the After.
The sky seems paper-thin, a fake screen of blue,
Threatening to peel back, revealing only you;
The cottony clouds, an illusion that will melt,
Spilling the intensity of all that I felt;
Still feel (oh god), and I can't disperse,
You are woven in the fabric of my universe.
I wonder if you're gazing, taking in the stars,
Or dark forests whose trees seem to me like bars;
A prison: I'm trapped, without being held,
My heart saw yours and decided to weld
Us together, but the alloy didn't match –
My forever, your bad batch.
Bleeding, I hold on to the damaged patch,
Too stupid to let go, too stupid to detach.
My life stands still, as chances pass through,
And all I see, all, is that they're not you.
***
There's fog now, heavy like lead -
I wonder if the veil seeped straight from my head;
Shrouding the world in a numb ache,
Distracting my thoughts, for sanity's sake.
And your presence pulses, a soft thrum of power,
Pitter-patter of rain, a ghost of a shower.
Just like a ghost, you're gone, but you're here,
Too far to touch, but to forget - too near.
Aug 27, 2020
Aug 27, 2020 at 10:03 AM UTC
I've forgotten how to breathe without you.
And now that you're not around,
I'm suffocating, or I'm about to;
Fallen, and glued to the ground.
Claustrophobic in my own skin -
It feels wrong, existing outside your space.
Wish I could destroy the vacuum within,
What went on too long, what I should replace.
Even the world-wide plague would fade,
if compared in magnitude,
To the way you cast my soul in shade;
The memories in solitude.
And my lungs feel full of flowers,
Sowed by your unknowing hand,
And my doom above me towers,
I gasp for air - I breathe in sand.
And you, unaware of your powers,
Sleep somewhere miles away,
While I watch rainy, grey showers,
And chase my breath that just won't stay.
Seems some raindrops, small and week,
From the storm have gone astray,
Wandered in, onto my cheek,
That's why it's wet (or so I say).
And I hear talk of Crown* blight,
The fear it drives in people's hearts,
While my own still pulses with your light,
Riddled with Cupid's darts.
And they had lied when they said,
All wounds would be healed by Time:
Some sorrows stay without being fed,
Only good for fuelling rhyme.
So, on half a breath I learn to live,
Just getting by to the next day,
Tired, untethered, but with plenty to give
- for I know I must follow my way.
Aug 27, 2020
Aug 27, 2020 at 9:57 AM UTC
Will you explore me now?
Of course you discovered, laid claim,
surveyed and drew me.
But I am altered.
Our careful step-by-step paths
are trod smooth.
And I know them now, can lead you.
Will you take from me now?
Of course there are scars. Seams torn apart.
Scratched earth once shone to your touch.
Cradled and rocked, its
fine glowing dust hid in dark
secret spots.
And I know them now, can show you.
Will you feast with me now?
Of course I had little to give, but
traces of then took root, flourish here still.
Nourished by years
and by others, bear fruits worth picking apart
before tasting.
And I know them now, can feed you.
Will you return to me now?
Jul 18, 2020
Jul 18, 2020 at 9:00 AM UTC
I’m waiting
Like a black cat in the doorway
Watching my old flame dance the night away
She flirts with any guy that comes her way
And I drink and drink until I’m okay
But I always end up on that wave train
Burying my feelings with *******
Now I’m walking home in the pouring rain
With a girl but already forgotten her name
My mind is walking around memory lane
Realising how much I miss my old flame
She was my soul mate but things changed
Our love was in a haze and gone astray
But one things for sure, I can never replace or recreate
The memories I hold of the good old days
Dancing the night away with my old flame
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 10:39 AM UTC
He thinks I'm worth waiting for
I think he's worth waiting for
Apr 7, 2020
Apr 7, 2020 at 8:46 AM UTC
It is but for once a while
Stars align
A destiny only said as divine
And can be reached through trial
By fire
My life already strung
By but a single wire
For what battles already waged
My breath still hung
In memories seemed staged
Through the eyes of the blind
Obsessed in fights without valor
Just to enact a house divided
Forgotten to what is kind
And guarded without armor
Wandered alone in desert
My thirst substantial to wither
What strength I remain
Held to the light by the Seraphim
So I may ever be alert
To one day be with her
No matter how far I go insane
No matter how big I dream
For it was she that helped me see
What I was becoming
For it was she that saw
The potential for it all
And allowed my strength to build
To handle the life that is upcoming
With energy vigorous and raw
Unshaken by the ethereal brawl
So my demons would finally be killed
As the final war let out its cry
The storms that came shook
With every roar
She found reason to hide
Aching my heart to look
As my lungs ran sore
Pleading with every thought
To comfort her yet again
Too afraid I left her
So she ran for another
I tried to do the same
Spreading lies with claim
To cloud what I saw as love
With mere disdain
But in time I realized
The words she said to me during it all were true
So I took steps to begin anew
To undo all hatred I had wrought
And keep the losing flame
Running high
No matter my reach in fame
For I may be burned
When I work the courage to say
I am still in love with you
Jul 1, 2019
Jul 1, 2019 at 5:03 PM UTC
Set I
You know that people will change
As feelings start to fade away
Lovers seem to drift astray
Chemistry is so strange
Friends swords are double-edged
Never thought a bond could be staged
Even if the Sun failed to stay
You need to know that I'm on a wave
I wish I was everywhere and hard to find
You want a man; I'm one of a kind
Around you, I'm so unprepared
I catch myself sounding what's not shared
Starting a new chapter composes fear
I'm still where I was last year
Meanwhile, we're talking it out
And you sustain my attention throughout
I walk you back to your haven
We stagger to be on our way without saying
Seems like you want me to linger
I hope you can endure a cruel winter
May 23, 2019
May 23, 2019 at 4:03 AM UTC
Set I
We found each other in a broken place
You caressed my heart deep in outer space
I wished it was real for Heaven's sake
But falling for you was my mistake
When times were tough and hard to see
I made sure I held you close to me
On the weekend, you called out my name
I swam to your call and all I felt was shame
I wanted you to stay when you didn't want me
Crying to my loss of you I had to flee
My heart still awaits its birth by sleep
And its key needs to be in hands that'll keep
Set II
I said I didn't feel anything, but I lied
I had to cut out myself from your life
I guess I was just another pit stop
Till you made up your mind and flopped
Can I escape the apprehension I feel for you?
I feel apprehensive to walking the road anew
But the dawn shines brightest in its darkest night
And I will fight for joy into eternity to win this fight
Maybe you were toxic but I still gravitated your pull
Draining my emotions, you left me feeling so null
Even golden wine from Hannah couldn't repair
The apprehension I have for you in despair
Jul 12, 2018
Jul 12, 2018 at 12:24 PM UTC
My dear old flame
I'd sigh with your name,
follow you
then lost in your eyes.
No they aren't as clean
nor as deep or as blue,
they aren't the sky
or the ocean
or pools.
oh no, not pristine, luster of glass.
The closer I'd peer
into them
by the end
You'd appear to me, but an ***
Mar 17, 2018
Mar 17, 2018 at 1:53 PM UTC
Magnetic electricity courses through my lungs
Vibrating my heart in its path
How can written words enact this much damage
Yet heal my wounds nearly as fast?
Your heart lies broken from years of abuse
At the hands of others and yourself
And all I want is to hold you
While you fit the pieces together again
My mind clouds with panic
As I don't know what you think or feel
But I crave your approval uncontrollably
As I let my feelings out of their protective cages
Is it lust or love
That keeps returning us to each other
Or are we simply comfortable
in the company of a familiar flame
Do you feel what I feel?
A connection beyond our chemistry
That makes me care more for you
Than I do about myself
While I'm not available to you
All I want is for you to want me
But you deserve so much more
Than this broken life you've been handed
I want to write you a poem
That embraces your beauty in every line
But words will always fail to describe
The depth of your humanity
Incomparable strength has kept you breathing
And your gorgeousness takes my breath away
You are an amazing friend
And I think I may still love you
I'm sorry I can't love you the way you think you want me to.
Jul 28, 2017
Jul 28, 2017 at 1:17 PM UTC
You find out who people really are
when it comes down to those
important moments....
I never realized how much you
did not care.
Mar 27, 2017
Mar 27, 2017 at 7:14 PM UTC
I feel offended
you stabbed me in the back especially after we talked about it
you were supposed to lay low till further notice
but he came,
you flinched
and disgraced me
he had me at my last name
at that, it came rushing back
i don't want to write it down
nor say it out loud
but i felt it
so strong and vivid
"SIGH"
stupid heart
Nov 6, 2014
Nov 6, 2014 at 10:28 AM UTC
The teenage-me
In combat boots
Remembers the teenage you
In your Sunday best
We were oh so young
You, I yearned to see
I peeked between suits
From behind pews
Til my eyes, on you could rest
And I prayed you'd see me too
One day you noticed me
Never knowing I was enjoying the fruits
Of a drug-hazed youth
You said you loved me best
Until the day you didn't
I stole your virginity
Never caring for your Christian roots
You finally saw the ruse
And you laid our love to rest
And I realized you only loved the idea of me
Oct 10, 2014
Oct 10, 2014 at 3:26 PM UTC
Her name means the earth
Her eyes are like the sea
Oceanic windows to majestic mysteries
Her skin glows like the moon
Around her smile of ivory
And I stand in the presence of heaven
When she is here before me
Her perfume is a garden of celestial aromas
Her voice is an echo of the comforts of a home
And my heart skips a beat when I hear her say my name because
The beauty that she glows with outshines all I've ever known
She's a goddess in a world of demons
Feet planted in the ground
Head floating in the clouds
Her love is a euphoric feeling
Intoxication
With no comedown
Her body is a grave, an eternal resting place
Inviting, soft and warm - so nice
You'll never want to leave
And I am but a slave to her affection and her grace
Alone at last in her embrace
I forever wish to stay
And at the end of all this time
I'm lost in her oceanic eyes
She is my afterlife,
My world divine
And tonight the world is mine.
Oct 6, 2014
Oct 6, 2014 at 5:11 PM UTC
You're name pops up
on my phone
***
Leave me alone
but...
I'd be a liar like you
if I said that
My heart didn't inquire
every now and then
where you've been
Don't get it twisted
Reading into
What I just said
It's not like I miss you
I miss being distracted
from the outside world
thinking it was just
the two of us
Let's not speak about
what we just did
Sometimes I think
You do things to me
Just to see
If you still can
To see if you're flame
Still burns me
Jun 24, 2014
Jun 24, 2014 at 11:28 PM UTC