#numbing
sweet meal, i need and need
distill the unpleasantries
i fulfill the redundant need
the itch to keep uncovering
speak sweet or say nothing
too deep or just fronting
increase or mind numbing
discussions and repercussions
damaged but enough for loving
Jan 27
Jan 27, 2026 at 11:07 AM UTC
I'm in my villian era;
That is to say
I'm in my intolerant era
My "I don't give a **** era
My "I don't have patience for peoples emotions and stupidity" era;
Except its not an era
It's a day
A week
It is a come and go feeling that helps me to function and push forward,
It is an intensity
A fire burning, but not from anger
It is power and control
It is a wall
It's still kind, but different, tainted
Searching for the motive, the string, the catch
proceeding wearily, lacking child-like faith.
It is the only way to protect myself,
demanding respect
To declare that statement:
"Don't **** with me"
To be a sheep in wolf's clothing
Until I feel safe enough to rid myself of this hyde.
Feb 5, 2024
Feb 5, 2024 at 11:11 PM UTC
we bloomed then died soon after
I just needed someone to spoon, a catcher
as I was falling for another who found their lover
which was not me and you were my only sensible option
to numb my pain like nova cane
it was Leo season and I was vain
knew it was never going to truly work but in the present, I stayed
now you tell me you got a special someone
and I got the same
divisive silence as you realize I was playing game
I want to paint myself in cool hues and tell you how I am the victim
but while you were all in I was just skinny dipping
having fun under the sheets living my Piscean vision
Sep 16, 2021
Sep 16, 2021 at 8:06 PM UTC
I want to let you in
I want to let you see me
I know in my heart that
The universe brought us together
Right now, I'm scared to open the door
Standing at the precipice of my deeper self
It could be so easy to give you the keys
But parts of me feel cemented to the floor
The fear is stone cold against my soul
Clawing away at my breath and my composure
This risk could change everything
Strengthen or shatter this precious connection
I've shown you my pain before
But you don't know of this
The secret space nestled into me
An echoing void that feels so empty
Something is missing here
Something belongs there
But I don't know what it is
I've spent so long cramming this cavern full
Of ***** love, and drugs
And it always drains out again
Because
These things won't make me whole
And I don't know what will
Jul 27, 2021
Jul 27, 2021 at 12:16 AM UTC
Drunk mit dem joint,
forcing myself to write
Listening to songs I know
work me up
Feeling their message deep
I wouldn't feel
this way if it were another time
Jun 7, 2021
Jun 7, 2021 at 4:27 PM UTC
Drunk mit dem joint,
forcing myself to write
Listening to songs I know
work me up
Feeling their message deep
I wouldn't feel
this way if it weren't another time
Feb 8, 2021
Feb 8, 2021 at 1:54 PM UTC
It was easier to surrender to the pain
than take the steps to where I needed to be.
It was easier to forget how sad I was,
angry,
disgusted,
so I swallowed my feelings with lemon juice and salt
and the bitterness burned them away.
A year has passed and now I feel nothing.
There is no positive side,
there is no negative side,
because I can't put labels on things I can't feel.
Is this healing?
If it is, when do I get to laugh again?
And if it isn't
how do I start?
Nov 18, 2019
Nov 18, 2019 at 10:08 PM UTC
What do I actually want
When I'm craving a high?
What need am I trying to satisfy
By drowning myself in a bottle?
I want to escape
I want to feel joy and freedom
I don't feel that now
I feel like drugs will bring those feelings
Even for just a moment
And sure, they might
But then I'll just think that
The drugs are what makes me happy
When it's actually the feeling of peace and happiness
The things I'm actually craving
That will make me happy
But, the human brain is flawed
And it will just see the drugs
And make me want them again
Oct 18, 2019
Oct 18, 2019 at 3:40 AM UTC
I can feel myself running away
In handfuls of bread
And mind-numbing multitasking
Trying to create a noise so loud
That it'll drown out the one in my head
The one that tells me I'm broken
The one saying I'm a waste of space
And wasting this life away
I am wasting time
With every bite not led by hunger
Every second half-watching television
While scrolling emptily through my phone
These meaningless moments just remove more meaning
******* it away from myself and my life
Draining my emotional energy because
I'm not letting it recharge
So then I can sleep rather than create
So I can avoid the thoughts and feelings
That are telling me
No, begging me
To do something
To feel something
But it's been a long time
And sometimes feeling nothing
Can feel better than feeling
Lonely
Oct 18, 2019
Oct 18, 2019 at 3:35 AM UTC
I feel trapped
Confined in this media hellstorm
How easy it is to numb out
To drown out these thoughts
These feelings
These aspects of myself
Under the static of technology
I just want to exist and to
Connect with myself again
And yet I keep tuning in
To tune it all out
I dont even like what im watching
I dont enjoy doing this over and over again
It feels so compulsive
So uncontrollable that
I want to just sell my TV
Return to a dumb phone again
Rid myself of these technological terrors
Because for some reason
I can't just walk away
And I can feel the clocks ticking
As these precious moments are wasting away
And slipping through my fingertips
Oct 18, 2019
Oct 18, 2019 at 3:32 AM UTC
When you’re little, everyone thinks you’re special...
When you’re twenty, everyone thinks you’re promising...
And when you’re dead, everyone will love you.
Do you see yourself as successful?
Beautiful?
Charming, even?
Well, I see you dead in a bathtub...
Surrounded by drug paraphernalia.
I see your mother crying for you...
Syringe in her arm to take away pain.
Do you see yourself as a failure?
Disgusting?
Horrid, even?
Why, don’t think of yourself that way...
You’ll be alright.
There is no storm...
Just calm, just the eye...
When you’re little, they beat you.
When you’re twenty, you’re hopeless.
And when you’re dead, you’re saved.
Is the drive boring?
Tiring?
Numbing, even?
It’s okay, just fall asleep...
You’re not responsible anyway.
It’s fine, go to sleep...
You’ll be unresponsive, anyway.
When you’re low, it’s blue.
When you’re high, it’s full.
When you’re dead, you’ll finally be numb.
Aug 31, 2019
Aug 31, 2019 at 11:48 PM UTC
1. Understand my body is not currency
2. Stop resenting my body for being
something men can't help but want
3. Don't try and make myself undesirable
4. Don't turn people into medicine
5. Don't make a wound to distract from the
old one. They do not bleed the same.
Those scars are not noble.
Nov 20, 2018
Nov 20, 2018 at 1:45 PM UTC
I’m sorry I made you a monster.
I needed a demon I could trust.
Nov 20, 2018
Nov 20, 2018 at 1:29 PM UTC
Nectar of the grape
Anesthetizing myself
Emptying bottles
Aug 15, 2018
Aug 15, 2018 at 2:24 PM UTC
I think about smoking sometimes
on dreary days
on quiet nights
when I'm cold
or lonely
or sad
and I just want to inhale the numb
and exhale the ache
but aren't I just inhaling the poison
and exhaling it too?
I take it into myself
and breathe it out into the world
I think about rainy nights sometimes
dark, with the taste of a storm in the air
faded music playing in the background
door half-open
me, leaning over the balcony railing
with death perched between my lips
I think about smoke
spewing from my mouth
carrying all misery away
burning through the walls I can't tear down
I imagine cigarettes
come with leather jackets
sly smiles painted red
and sharp eyes lined black
with a devilish spark in them
They pair so nicely with
the blackest of nights
with bonfires and quiet laughter
and with silent solitude
But then I remember
crooked smiles with yellowed teeth
lungs, withered and black
coughing, gasping for clean air
because they're so infected with smoke
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 11:31 PM UTC
I have been drinking too much to write you a song
Downed too many drinks to say I care
Because when sober the pain becomes
Far too much for me to bear
I've been drowning sorrows in alcohol
Numbing the hurt night after night
I want to tell you I love you
I've been drinking too much to write
Jun 16, 2018
Jun 16, 2018 at 2:26 PM UTC
I can hear them again,
I can hear the voice.
They are calling me out,
To make the choice.
They want me to start,
To use again.
They telling me to end,
End all the pain.
I know this numbing high,
The brown slop.
I know they are right,
It makes it stop.
They are screaming listen,
Listen.
Feb 14, 2018
Feb 14, 2018 at 5:07 AM UTC
I remember when you were four
I caught you drawing on the wall
I couldn't get mad
Instead I just laughed
And I still have
The finger print painting
that you made
In fact I had it framed
I have every art piece you made
To remind me that your always here
with me spiritually
All These tear drops
That fall upon the page
Creating smudged ink stains
As this pen bleeds
Words drenched in sorrow
An empty heart slowly fades
Can't seem to find a way
To release all this pain
Can't seem to find the words to say
I miss you each and everyday
Can't find a logical reason to explain
Why you were taken a way
Can't forgive God
For what he's done
Just hope he's
Holding you in his arms
Keeping you safe and warm
You got the voices of angels
Who can serenade
And sing you to sleep
I'll keep you safe
Inside of your dreams
We were at the hospital
I was sitting beside your bed
And you wiped the tears
Underneath my eyes
Then I heard you say
Daddy please don't cry
I like it better when you smile
So I smiled
Don't say no goodnights or goodbyes
Yeah princess your my little fighter
My inspiration, my perfection
My saviour, my hope, my strength
Your everything I am
I'll carry that with me forever
All these tear drops
That fall upon the page
Creating smudged ink stains
As this pen bleeds
Words drenched in sorrow
An empty heart slowly fades
Can't seem to find a way
To release all this pain
Can't seem to find the words to say
I miss you each and everyday
Can't find a logical reason to explain
Why you were taken a way
Can't forgive God
For what he's done
Just hope he's
Holding you in his arms
Keeping you safe and warm
You got the voices of angels
Who can serenade
And sing you to sleep
I'll keep you safe
Inside of your dreams
I still remember
when I heard the doctor say
(There's no heart rate)
That line still haunts me
Your mother and I fell to the floor
Neither of us wanted to get back up
It felt like we cried for hours
And then I felt
something give me strength
Then I remembered what you said
Daddy please don't cry
I like it better when you smile
So I pulled myself back up
from the floor
Took your mother in my arms
Carried her back to the car
You were every step
You were every breath
All These tear drops
That fall upon the page
Creating smudged ink stains
As this pen bleeds
Words drenched in sorrow
An empty heart slowly fades
Can't seem to find a way
To release all this pain
Can't seem to find the words to say
I miss you each and everyday
Can't find a logical reason to explain
Why you were taken a way
Can't forgive God
For what he's done
Just hope he's holding
You in his arms
Keeping you safe and warm
You got the voices of angels
Who can serenade
And sing you to sleep
And I'll keep you safe
Inside of your dreams
I still remember when
I heard the priest say
May she rest with angels
watching over her
May they share there
infinite love on high
May they protect
her blessed soul
Let the Lord take her
Into his loving arms
To keep her safe from harm
I said Amen to that princess
And I've seen you in the stars
Yeah you'll never be to far
For we are always
With in each other's hearts
All these tear drops
That fall upon the page
Creating smudged ink stains
As this pen bleeds
Words drenched in sorrow
An empty heart slowly fades
Can't seem to find a way
To release all this pain
Can't seem to find the words to say
I miss you each and everyday
Can't find a logical reason to explain
Why you were taken a way
Can't forgive God
For what he's done
Just hope he's holding
You in his arms
Keeping you safe and warm
You got the voices of angels
Who can serenade
And sing you to sleep
And I'll keep you safe
Inside of your dreams
Sometimes I sit in your empty room
Imagine you playing, drawing
Creating all those games
You used to play
With your vivid imagination
A world of your creation
It's like your still here
I can feel your essence
I can feel your presence
In this place
It's where I go to relive your memory
That you left for me
All these tear drops
That fall upon the page
Creating smudged ink stains
As this pen bleeds
Words drenched in sorrow
An empty heart slowly fades
Can't seem to find a way
To release all this pain
Can't seem to find the words to say
I miss you each and everyday
Can't find a logical reason to explain
Why you were taken a way
Can't forgive God
For what he's done
Just hope he's holding
You in his arms
Keeping you safe and warm
You got the voices of angels
Who can serenade
And sing you to sleep
And I'll keep you safe
Inside of your dreams
©2017 Written By Benji James
Jun 17, 2017
Jun 17, 2017 at 7:47 AM UTC
I thought I was perfect
In a place I wanted to be in
Practiced smiles and eye-flares
Abandoned, left to bathroom mirrors
A funny night, a funny funny
A taste of what's to come
I learn, my mail
Has no chinks, no tinitus stretches thee
I'm different
So it amused,
To still try what seemed like ages
Between liquores and a job that was not mine
Understanding is in vanity, and I am long dead.
I've written long on triumph
And I thought of you today
Rolling out there, between voices and phone calls
Do I think of you?
Let's see, let's know
For your idea is my friend
And I'm wasting away in the hunt
But at least I see something
At least I am God
Dec 3, 2016
Dec 3, 2016 at 11:01 PM UTC
Most of my creativity emerges
from crestfallen summer nights,
where I tear the seams of the scars
that have reopened
after a thoughtless word
after a tasteless comment
after an inconsiderate finger,
jabbing into the insecurities
I imagined myself to bury,
but in reality,
I have not.
Humid,
crestfallen summer nights
encapsulate me,
until the pain numbs
me.
Sep 24, 2015
Sep 24, 2015 at 2:52 PM UTC
Are words harmless? Can they ever be benign?
Between you and I?-
And, how many times has the Soul mated and re-mated?
Tearing, scarring, and numbing the connection.
Is that how and why, we keep this distance?
Or, Love, is it fear of perfection?
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 11:14 PM UTC
Sometimes the temptation to succumb to you is far too strong for me to bare.
I long to feel some sense of numbing and I know that caving into you will accomplish just that.
Then I face the harsh reality that at some point I will have to suffer.
Rather it now or later, I will have to open myself to that hurt and heal.
Feb 18, 2015
Feb 18, 2015 at 12:32 AM UTC