#nohope
I. Hate. Child. Molesters.
Not such an unusual comment, but
written down
in my notebook
it took on a
significance
of its own.
I. Freaked. Out.
Hate? I could not
Hate.
Over and over
the words hit my mind
with my shaking hands bearing witness
I'd said something
Wrong.
Finally,
I shoved my notebook and pens
into my bag
and stood up
for almost a whole second
before my knees gave out
and I went down
to the floor.
FLASH
Me as a child
lying on a bed
being touched
"down there"
Over. And. Over.
The flashback repeated
Me
Bed
My cousin
Touching me
And repeated
Me
Bed
My cousin
Touching me
As I lay on the library floor,
upstairs where nobody could help,
too terrified to move,
I wondered
What. Was. Going. On????
Where did this come from?
Unmistakably me
Definitely him
I was going to throw up.
Bathrooms
Where?
I was completely
disoriented,
staggering out from
a very thorough spin cycle.
I eventually found my way
into the bathroom,
to the sink.
I splashed water on my face
and stared at myself
in the mirror.
Was I older?
Did I have dark circles
under my eyes?
Bags like suitcases?
Anything??
But the face that looked back was
Mine
17 years
Red tinged,
green eyes.
It was still me
with an
Immensely. Heavy. Secret.
I had been molested.
Apr 9
Apr 9, 2026 at 3:55 PM UTC
It was our secret
But I was yours
Only 5 years old
Too young to know
Holding your hand
Love made me blind
I didn't understand
What was left behind
As you stole
Every fragment
Of all that was good
MY trust
MY faith
MY childhood
You forced
Bad things on me
You tore me apart
MY pain
MY fear
MY broken heart
Too weak to fight
Too scared to tell
I was dying inside
Trapped in hell
You swallowed
Me whole
In this world
That you made
Conditioned
My thoughts
So that I obeyed
It was our secret
But I was yours
Only 5 years old
Too young to know
Apr 4
Apr 4, 2026 at 3:57 AM UTC
They wear masks,
Cover, and hide.
They ravage like beasts,
Yet squeak like mice.
Hide from bacteria,
Clean and sanitize.
Escape the crowds,
Like cowardly hares.
We stay away, all alone,
Isolated at home.
Society is down,
The people are worse.
Something to never get back,
Something to never heal.
People in beds croak,
Like stepped on toads.
The people weep,
Families are destroyed.
The people are broken apart,
For now till the eye can see.
There is no hope.
Jan 7
Jan 7, 2026 at 12:44 PM UTC
I sat there, drained of hope,
Searching for a way to elope,
Wishing for the heavens to speak,
To let my punishment begin.
Take me to the Eternal Judgment,
To slave like a dog as penance for my sins.
I'll unveil the vices I hid through my skin.
Offer me that tragic death-
Good God, I'll give you my life;
Please demand a sacrifice.
Bring the whole realm;
Find something to feast upon,
The Darkest Shade of Sin;
As I point "I am right here"
There are no lords and kings,
When the ritual begins.
There is no sinful innocence than my unmarked misdeeds.
In the madness and tears:
Of my vivid death scene,
Only in the depths of my mortal coil;
My soul will find its clarity.
Oct 27, 2024
Oct 27, 2024 at 2:39 PM UTC
That Morning started off grey
But no one could tell
What little light that broke through
Started to warm up my cell
This room was no prison
It's doors do not lock
Solitude was your punishment
Your sentence, each tick of the clock
Time is your enemy
Your thoughts are its home
You think you'd feel better
While the demons out rome.
These demons come back
They hunger, they feel
Their appetite your bad thoughts
Your soul is their meal
They swallow the truth
And lies are spit out
It's starts as a whisper
But ends with a shout
So much is said
But none of it true
The Words are used for pain
That leaves bruises black and blue
Harsh these words come out
And they're aimed right at me
You were cornered you said
Never believing in me
It hurts what you said
Made me feel I didn't belong,
You said to move away
You were right and you were wrong
So I hide in my room
In the house, I once called home
Never wanting to leave
No where to go roam
Our time was cut short
I gave from my heart
The past thrown in my face
I was the problem from the start
Nov 15, 2019
Nov 15, 2019 at 4:34 PM UTC
I cannot do this anymore
Digging myself into a hole
Allowed myself to hope
Instead I ended up broke
It's both our fault but most is on me
My wish was that we were meant to be
My worst and best days shared with you
Were everything that I knew.
Made me feel complete, so full of life
Little did I know, that was my own knife
I told myself "Just keep it light"
My heart and soul just shined too bright.
But then it hit me like a storm
That you will never call me home
You are exactly where you want to be
Your heart and soul were with me temporarily.
This was a game, I think I lost
Now I'm ready for the worst
You chose the easy way out, so do I
To get you out of my heart and my mind
I wish you happiness with whoever it may be
I don't think I have the strength to see.
I will be first for someone new
Before that happens, I'll forget you
Turns out that you never loved me
It was my perception of reality
I told you goodbye and then I hung up
No txt or a phone call, you never faught back
The saddest thing is, that this is the end
In just one moment I lost love and a friend.
Oct 27, 2019
Oct 27, 2019 at 8:42 AM UTC
Black ink seaps from my pores- oily and tainted of hatred
My body has no place for anger or hatred or jealousy
So out it spews- from my skin- my lips- spit drenched lips
Spitting up feverish complaints of disgust
Yet they say your poisons are your own to consume
To take- to swallow- to abuse yourself with
Trama ringing as tinnitus in the stillest nights
Dripping from my skin oil pools as I wade through pain
Forcing it all out and drowning in it all the same
Darkness floods my brain- sludge swarming
Black pouring from white out- all sclera eyes rolled back
Begging to wield this pain against another- any monster
No human to be harmed by the inky tendrils that encapsulate me
Sensitivity thinning the toxins out- they pour from my pores
Fingers leaving trails along walls as I sit in a shower to leak out
Ring out to dry- only to refill with more doses of abuse the next day
Jun 2, 2019
Jun 2, 2019 at 1:34 AM UTC
Stuck in this world that I thought was once perfect
Trapped here with no hope of rescue
My soul is tormented each day
This is my personal hell
This is real and it is true, I'm stuck here
This person won't let me leave
Why won't he let me leave?
Doesn't he care about how I feel?
Aren't you supposed to sacrifice if you love someone?
Isn't that what you're supposed to do?
Why won't he do this for me?
Why doesn't he let me leave?
I thought he loved me
But I was wrong
He loved how I loved him
Even thought I don't
I lied
I stayed because I was lonely
But now I'm trapped and I rather be lonely instead
Why did I do this to myself?
What was I thinking?
I wasn't in the right state of mind when I started this
It's all my fault
My reality is shifted
I can't see the future
I don't have hope
I think I'm stuck here like this forever
c.m.l.
Mar 10, 2019
Mar 10, 2019 at 6:16 PM UTC
Shattered heart lying on the ground
Splintery in different directions with no hope of being connected
Hope gone with the wind
Replaced with dread and fear
Love is gone
People are replaceable
Until you came along.
c.m.l.
Mar 10, 2019
Mar 10, 2019 at 6:09 PM UTC
I fixed you with a thousand poems
yet you broke me with only one!
Nov 13, 2018
Nov 13, 2018 at 7:03 PM UTC
although the years have now come and gone,
one thing i have never ceased to stumble apon,
was the extent to your personality; a touch of savage with
a heavenly grace,
while most boys would stop at the simple beauty of your face.
i may have choose wrong to attempt to stay away,
but ive always admired you beyond great dismay,
although my last hope of love with you may have far past expired,
with these drugs my broken heart and soul may be rewired,
but as long you may remain happy,
i must avoid all chance of getting sappy,
and every day that my mind may pass my own self regret,
for the lack of my actions in being a clueless boy; my mind shall
be forced to accept the unspeakable debt,
time after time it appeared to be only you reaching out your hand,
to your power i could not make words i found it hard too so much as stand,
and perhaps one day, i will once again, find the willpower to live,
thats so far lost; i may as well be a inmate ;in for life and bleeding out stuck with a shiv,
but then and only then my fire may reignite
finally past this existence, maybe even a delight
but until then ill keep up my smile,
cause i know apon a moments gaze; we both know its been awhile,
but can you really blame me; for years straight
after i only wanted our unhealthy love to wait
you treated me like i was nothing not even real, every time i tried ; or at least thats how you made it feel,
up until you decided to date my best friend now your both over there...
until i regain my emotional strength i may disassociate n pretend to not so much as care.
and i refuse to even acknowledge your attempt to openly declare,
about my lack of presence unaware,
that my dreams of you have just been those mistaken but of nightmares,
from the image of forever chasing you down the halls,
as all im left with is a false fading sense of hope ;awhile i move on to success and building up my protective walls,
even though i knew my chase would never come to a fair end,
but given all my assets; im still mainly heartbroken that once apon a time i lost such an amazing best freind....
Oct 30, 2018
Oct 30, 2018 at 3:46 AM UTC
Sometimes let go,
It's less painful than holding on,
To let yourself evolve and grow,
It hopeless to hold on,
To hope,
To barely survive,
To hope for something to never happen,
To expect and believe,
And eventually be broken,
Because you didn't let go,
Because holding on,
The rope will break,
Ull be taken for granted,
You loose your value,
You won't get what you wanted,
It's an ugly thing but true,
There is no point in holding on,
When eventually ull be left,
Left to eat dirt,
Left alone,
There is nothing as hope,
It's a lie,
So just let go
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 7:32 AM UTC
I don't talk no more
Don't get no calls
Not much to say
Life is a monotony of chores
I hope you learn
From my mistakes
Little brother take care
Make some friends somewhere.
Sep 30, 2018
Sep 30, 2018 at 11:23 PM UTC
How would it be
In a world without hate
We will never know
**** Society
May 29, 2018
May 29, 2018 at 1:03 PM UTC
Try and try and try as you might
You are slowly, slowly losing the fight
Knowing that two wrongs don't make a right
Another omen comes back to bite
Lost in darkness looking for light
No hope is seen, none in sight
May 18, 2018
May 18, 2018 at 7:42 AM UTC
We fill our brains
With thoughts and things
Remembering subjects nobody cares about
Join hands with the moon
And become bestfriends with your doubt
Its been said " You cant fly with wings of uncertainty "
Then explain my existence
Prove my heights
I've been flying without wings at all
Don't tell me your words hurt less than hitting the ground
I've been soaring with no hope , no strive
However miraculously
I'm still alive
Mar 15, 2018
Mar 15, 2018 at 2:43 PM UTC
Lone wolf,
In the storm.
Howling a broken melody,
Uncertain where to trek.
Uncertain of herself.
She plays strong,
She plays cool.
She plays wise.
Inside,
She knows.
She's broken.
Scarred.
Trying to reach,
That hand outstretched.
Trying to pull her into his arms.
He's trying to understand.
She's trying to explain.
Why it happens...
Why she's broken..
She can't explain,
Life just pushed her down.
Into the darkest hole,
It could find.
He's trying to save her,
She's trying to save him.
Not herself.
She doesn't think about herself,
Maybe that's the issue.
The burden she has.
The anxiety,
The mistrust.
It's all because,
Those she thought.
Could be trusted.
...couldn't...
Sep 11, 2017
Sep 11, 2017 at 11:00 PM UTC
And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll let you knock me down to size. I'll stop this ugly petty show. I won't ask you to empathize.
And if tomorrow comes for me, I won't be so self absorbed, I'll do more for you and them, I won't leave you so ignored.
And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll tell my Dad it's not his fault. I'll take the blame for my side of things, I'll be more grateful for what he brought.
And if tomorrow comes for me, I'll fight the urge to rediscover what that needle's all about, I'll leave that up to another.
(and I won't have to write that note apologizing to my mother.)
And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll take the time to treat you right. I'll back off when you are tired, I'll back you up in the fight.
But today is no good, there's nothing left, I'm all alone. I burned each bridge back to life, I've blocked the route to hope and love. So, so long, goodbye tomorrow, I wont be there if you come. Tonight, I'm here, freeing you, as I become a setting sun. Just like that stupid song that was sang by Neil Young.
Mar 28, 2017
Mar 28, 2017 at 5:45 PM UTC
The sun stole the daylight from her eyes
He blinded her to reality
Drove her to insanity
His brilliance was meant to protect
To heal to cure
To banish ills
To drive out demons that roamed the earth
The Sun in all his glory
Did that to her?
Blinded by his sheer magnificence
She stumbled in to darkness,
His was a light so bright
That it left her without sight
Is it so ? They mocked her!
Is it so, she asked herself
Can something that is meant to protect
Also take your life?
or drive you blind?
Who would believe her?
Who could she take her plea to?
They'd call her insane
And counter blame.
You are stupid! They'd say
To play with fire
To fly too close to the sun
Which fool did inspire?
So she went back into her cocoon
Her shelter, never to return, never to falter
She was scathed, her soul a cinder
Her heart a hole, her mind a blender.
Feb 13, 2017
Feb 13, 2017 at 2:20 AM UTC
A battle always fought
To my heart's content I lost
My brain would rejoice in defeat
I would gather strength to retreat
Divided, I fight
In a pitiful plight
That no one even cares
Not a single cheer you will hear
Like a jester I joke
About my caustic yoke
I make light out of the matter
And every one replies with laughter
Proud of my achievement
I wail in disappointment
But still smiling I weep
For this to myself I keep
My last hope shattered
No where to be found
Like tattered cloth i'm worthless
Just some *** lying around
Clenching my face
I don't know what to do
I can't do anything
To stop this wound
Like migraine I kneel
Pray to stop the pain
A wall was my answer
Streaming blood my gain
Tired I lie
On the ground while I weep
But laughing comes life
With a deal that I must keep
To forever wander
In this forsaken world forever
To bear burden for no one
And cower in fear of others
Hopeless I accept
the terms and agreement
To lock myself forever
In this caustic life of terror
Nov 19, 2016
Nov 19, 2016 at 10:32 AM UTC
At square one again.
All the improvement is in the past.
Weak mined , aching body and fragile heart.
Why did I loose progress fast?
Deadly thoughts, worse are the actions, that grasp me once more.
Tell me how to escape my self, so I can be free for this hell.
It urgent, an emergency but there no life line that can help.
The only line I think of, is that hanging rope.
Sorry for my honestly.
I know its hard to take, your ears are use to sugar coated sentences,
dripping in misleading words and expressions of false satisfaction regarding life.
Back to square one but this time I notice the cage that will never let me move forward again.
I have no key, no help and no way out.
Nov 10, 2016
Nov 10, 2016 at 9:04 PM UTC