#iguess
Your words twisted
Cruel and sharp
like knives
cutting into my flesh
and the look
on your face
made my
stomach lurch
from the hatred
seeming
to simmer there
And I just
can't understand
What i did
to deserve this
i guess
i really am
just a bad
person
Dec 8, 2025
Dec 8, 2025 at 7:15 PM UTC
Why am I so stuck on you?
Because you fit all my standards
Because I saw great potential in us
Because we have such a great chemistry
Why did it end?
I can't put it all into words
You said I overwhelmed you
Gosh, how I wish I could take all those overly personal questions back
Why didn't I think about what I wanted to say before I said it?
Because I'm impulsive
Because I have trust issues
Because your answers determined if I would be able to let my guard down
Why did you leave?
Because you're emotionally unavailable
Because I'm too much for you
Because maybe, just maybe, there was someone else
Jan 20, 2021
Jan 20, 2021 at 9:48 PM UTC
it's too late to call you, but i stare at your number anyway.
with a picture that no longer looks like you staring back at the dark,
clouded by a fuzzy head and wet eyes.
as i desperately try to tell myself that it's okay to be strangers sometimes.
but i'm lying.
i can't live as a stranger to you. i don't know who that leaves me to be.
i want you to look me in the eye and see me down to my soul so i don't have to embarrass myself by telling you,
because i always sound pathetic out loud.
i want you to know me so i don't have to know myself
i want you to love me so i never have to look my reflection in the eye and feel my insides turn at the sight.
every time that i tap into the sadness it threatens to pour out of me at once.
and i cannot touch the wave that crashes inside my chest for fear that i will splinter,
and everything will fall until it is broken.
and i have nowhere left to hide.
and you will see me.
as i am, anything other than as i am.
i feel like i have been waiting for something for my entire life.
i have been waiting for an okay that will never last
for something to break
something to give
to fix
feel
wait.
breathe.
i will be okay.
in some hour of tomorrow who feels so impossibly far from now.
and i will be okay until i am not.
again and again until the cycle comes to me like water
the hardest part of getting better is realising that 'better' is a lie, and working towards it anyway.
but there are times when i want to be alive so much it makes my lungs ache.
so i will carry on for the me who lives in those moments, fleeting as they may feel.
it will pass.
Aug 20, 2020
Aug 20, 2020 at 8:23 PM UTC
A dream I think.
Out of the car.
Up the stairs.
Inside.
Walk around.
There she is.
Talk a min.
Follow.
Get lost.
For even longer.
Been found.
Found a way
Pinkie promise.
For a song.
Garrett Johnson.
May 30, 2020
May 30, 2020 at 10:30 PM UTC
For leaving me waiting in this chair that only has a lifetime of experience.
And only a thousand secrets to keep.
To keep those waiting.
Waiting to be existing.
Thanks for that.
I’ll let my friend know that he made a friend.
And that he made a mistake on mistakes that made him mistake me for fool.
Well I am a fool.
I’m a fool for waitin’ for you.
I’m a fool for waitin’ On me waitin’ for you.
I’m a little bit tired.
I’m a little woozy from all the waiting for these drugs to kick in.
Ask me a question.
I’ll give you the names of all my excuses for not wanting to wait for you.
Not wanting to wait for me to wait for you.
Not wanting to take this here paper corner and stab my eye ball for waiting for you.
Don’t know if I mentioned this.
But I’m a little bit tired.
Tired of arguing with myself.
Yelling.
Fighting.
Screaming at myself for Not wanting to talk.
But who wants to listen.
The only people that want to listen are the folks that are tired of listening to themselves.
Well.
I guess that some of the folks that want listen.
Actually do want to listen.
Want to hear something new for a change.
Want to take a break from all the breaks that they already have taken.
Something like that I guess.
I’m gonna get me a new me.
And I’m gonna use him.
Garrett Johnson.
Apr 23, 2019
Apr 23, 2019 at 3:44 PM UTC
You can bet I've broken so many metaphorical bones,
You can bet I've collected so many cursed tokens,
You can bet I've been selected to get my head shacked, she said depression,
I said repression,
Cause denying makes the truth all the more shady,
And then I've shaken to fading on the daily,
I'm a killer of a very special Miller,
Or perhaps that was the killer of me.
Now I'm a special boy,
Taken and shaken around like a toy,
You can confirm my death with many people,
Those who build steeples and feasible sentences,
I'm a prototype of a man,
Just watch as I ran to the sand underneath the sparkling grand moon man.
Take me up into the wind,
Bring me to the sinners den,
I will take his rusted hand,
And escape without a stand.
You can bet I've murdered so many beasts,
You can bet I've ruined so many well-lit feasts,
You can bet that I've introspected, to the point where I've retrospected into the infected past,
I keep on regretting going fast,
You're stuck in my head now get out before I pluck you out,
Tuck and roll to **** at everything that I lay eyes on.
Cause denying makes the truth all the more shady,
And then I've shaken to fading on the daily,
I'm a killer of a very special Miller,
Or perhaps that was the killer of me.
Cause denying makes the truth all the more shady,
And then I've shaken to fading on the daily,
I'm a killer of a very special Miller,
Or perhaps that was the killer of me.
Apr 1, 2019
Apr 1, 2019 at 1:20 PM UTC
You were the decision to look both ways before i cross the street
To pick up a fork and eat a couple bites
To put down whatever i was holding
To call someone before it got too bad
To not let myself get stuck in that loop again
To not end up in the bathtub again
Throwing up all the pills i took
To not have to come up with an excuse for why it looks like a crime scene
To not end up even more scarred up then i already was
So
What was i supposed to do
When you made the decision to quit loving me
Who was i supposed to turn to
I know what i did
But what was i supposed to do
Dec 11, 2018
Dec 11, 2018 at 2:17 PM UTC
"I'm so proud of you" I whisper as I drive on these wet slippery roads, you're at a place you've always wanted to be, and you left me on the corner to get there. I wish I could be there congratulating you as your plus one, but lord knows neither of us could have lived to see that day. Such a small amount of time, 15 months, and yet it holds such significance in my mind even now after almost 4 years of being without you. I still look for you on those loud downtown streets, I still hope you'll be there to see me in my perfected form, so I can brag how far I've run to get to where you are. Will you ever be proud of me? I think we both know the answer and I haunts us.
May 22, 2018
May 22, 2018 at 6:22 PM UTC
god money buys big house big love
god money buys me some ******* peace
of mind
but i always spend it all too quickly
and end up all alone
in my big ******* house
sow what i reap in my bathtub
i guess
long sprouts from dry ground
god money cash in
buy my product
god money doesn't get paid back
not until
little big kid leaves to stop playing
in little big boots
May 14, 2018
May 14, 2018 at 10:46 AM UTC
"I want a relationship."
"I do too. I want one with you."
"Oh, I said I wanted a relationship but not with you"
"I mean I guess that's fine... Can I ask why?"
opens with no response
"I won't get mad or anything..."
opens with no response
I guess I wasn't as important to you as you said I was.
Oct 11, 2017
Oct 11, 2017 at 2:22 PM UTC
A sickness rises from my stomach
Through my chest, into my throat, making a mess of me
(i refuse to let it spill from my mouth)
Sometimes it’s all i can feel
It becomes a comfort, and one of many fears
I am distressed that i may be obvious, pesky, and ignored
But my heart fell from my sleeve long ago
And my own feet tread over it.
Silence burns in my throat and compresses my chest
Words that refuse to be said haunt my thoughts
The ringing in my ears is ever-present;
Nothing is loud enough, and silence too often deafens me
Harshness radiates from me, unwanted, but always lingering
My existence is much too clumsy.
My vanity vies for attention (and is abrasively rebuked by heart and mind)
Heart and mind are always at war, united only against me
Laughing used to help,
But it’s not that funny anymore
It hurts.
I don’t like being sick
(but i don’t try to get better).
Jul 24, 2017
Jul 24, 2017 at 2:07 AM UTC
Sometimes I think of you
And it's not something I really want
When I start with "I remember when-"
Or our favorite songs come on.
It's weird because we spent a year
Basically living in the same clothes
And shoes, and housesandcars
But now who even knows
I try not to think about it
Or get all ******* up over it again
Because then I get a bit hurt
Because it really shouldn't have happened
Not that way,
Anyway
Because we were supposed to get tattoos
And boyfriends
And college educations
But I guess as kids, everything pretty much just ends
So maybe you'll see this
And maybe you won't
And maybe that's okay
Because I don't want to care, and I guess really don't
Jun 27, 2017
Jun 27, 2017 at 3:31 AM UTC
Ping!
New Message.
I'm beaming
The minute I see it's you.
Click Click Click
Message Sent
Just a simple
How are you
Ping!
New Message
How was your day?
Ping
New Message
I miss you!
Ping
New Message
I love you!
Click Click Click
Message Sent
I Love you Too!
Click Click Click
But not the way
You love me
Click Click Click
I want to kiss you.
And date you.
And hold you.
Backspace Backspace Backspace
Click Click Click
I'm glad we're friends. :)
Mar 12, 2017
Mar 12, 2017 at 10:27 PM UTC
The First person I loved, well, really, it was a childhood crush. It shouldn't have meant anything, it shouldn't have mattered. At least that's what I told myself over and over (and over and over and over and over). But at that time, my life was the brewing, churning clouds before the storm settles in and stays for awhile, painting the sky a putrid yellow-gray, filled with all sorts of worry and dismay. But he cared, and he was my friend, and I actually mattered to someone. That's what draws you in, isn't it? Mattering? And then you fall for the way they laugh and hold themselves, and the way they interact with others and how they hold their head up and the fire that burns in their eyes. That fire that keeps burning, even when it's raining. Even when you know something is off, something is terrible, but even if you asked, they wouldn't tell.
The Second person I loved, well, I never really loved him at all. Call it a type of Stockholm syndrome. You get ****** into friendship and obsessed with the idea of being normal, so you try it out. And then you don't act right, you don't behave how they want, you don't do what they want you to do, or you just look at them the wrong way or talk to the wrong person. And then it hurts and you try to escape, for two and a half years out of four and half. And it leaves you broken. You're not able to love the same way you thought you were supposed to, you're more guarded. You break down when people touch you, hug you. Another boy tries to kiss you and you immediately burn the bridge. It takes you a year and a half to recover enough to go out with anyone.
The Third person I loved was different. She was different entirely. After being in the midst of a quickly deteriorating abusive relationship, it's easy to cling onto anything that looks like a lifeline. And that's unhealthy. But I loved her nonetheless. And she hurt me, and I hurt her. I will always regret it, and I will always be sorry. I hold no anger towards her, and when I think of her, it's like a phantom-pain. There's nothing there to hurt, but I know it should. And why shouldn't it? She was the type of girl that would leave any man breathless and dying. Everything I wanted to be. She was beautiful and confident and bold. She was smart and interesting and fun. But she was selfish, and she was a liar. And in the end, it was her beauty that destroyed her, and us, whatever type of friends we were. That ended before the Second.
The Fourth person I loved was a foolish decision. A mistake that I made, but I made it, and it's mine to own up to. I was vulnerable and my mind was fragile, but I fell anyway. I needed an escape, so I used love as an excuse. And he broke me. I honestly believe he took pleasure in that. In breaking me in so many ways. He knew about all the different ways I had been hurt and used, and he hurt and used me anyway, in new and "improved" ways. I fell, and he let me fall, trying to "cushion" the blow of my harsh landing back into reality with syrupy sweet lies and rocks with sharpened edges like "You're the only person I want to be about forever," and "You're more beautiful than the sunrise." while simultaneously reminding me constantly how damaged I am and how he doesn't care to help with it. What he didn't know is that the sun always sets. And I'm glad it did.
And Again, the last person I'll ever love like this, is the First. I fell in love with the way he smiled and the way he interacts. I took flight and dove headfirst into this love instead of falling when I saw the fire in his eyes. And it was no longer that I mattered to him, to tell you the truth, I still have trouble telling if I matter to him now. As I've said, I just don't love the same way anymore. No, I love the way he is gentle when it's difficult to be, or the way he laughs, or reacts. The way he's not afraid to apologize, but is always honest. I will always love the fire in his eyes, and the way it never goes out.
Dec 11, 2016
Dec 11, 2016 at 6:36 PM UTC
i haven't met someone who made me want
to write so badly
in a long, long time
this morning i woke
the same way you did
lonely never
in a box i have made my home
you go by with your day like you always do
holding onto what is innocent
and smiling sweetly at those who pass by
you don't say hi unless they do
you timidity is showing, dear
it's so awkward on me
but endearing on you
we both are fragile extension lines
on the streets
that taper and adjust
to whatever the winds may bring
this night you wore a sweater
and i stayed up a little later only to see
if the off chance of you stopping by
would stop by
it's a quarter past
Cinderella losing her glass slipper
and my priorities are exponential
yet all the encompasses my mind
is your kindness
and how it glows in the dark
i hunger for answers
although we both may be soft-spoken
i wouldn't mind the screaming
as long as it had meaning
as long as it mended to the broken
but you are older
and wiser and smarter
and more experienced
than my little heart is
still i ask, where would this take us if it could?
i ask God to hear me breathing
to hear my singing
and wondering
if i am breathing, there is no time to waste
if i am singing, then i am on my way
to something beautiful and grand and new
and if it is in His plan, then it will be you
all this is simple mush
fluff in its raw form
half of the time i don't even know
exactly what it is i am trying to convey
it isn't something that we have to say
it is silent but it is recognized
for you said it all with your eyes
slowly falling i am
drooping to the middle
and climbing uphill again
until my cup fills again
it won't be half empty for too long
after all,
we both are fragile extension lines
on the streets
that taper and adjust
to whatever the winds may bring
Nov 16, 2016
Nov 16, 2016 at 11:46 AM UTC
Music
Plays over and over and over
In my head
And I reach for earphones
I never plugged in.
I'm shaking off flashbacks,
Like a dog shakes its' flank,
And I'm hoping no one sees me
Dancing 'round the fire in the woods.
I favor the Crucible
Over Gatsby,
But that's because I've always thought
F. Scott Fitzgerald's other works were so much better.
The sky is clear,
So is my mind.
I don't feel clouded,
I don't feel foggy.
I feel real and honestly me,
And I can't speak for anyone else
But I hope to God
I stay this way
For weeks.
I want to live
And I want to be
And look at me
I'm wanting things,
Like laughter and smiles and talks.
I want all the aspects of life
I never really got.
And the sunny clear sky
Makes me think of a certain Bluebird's eyes.
And I'm sure,
Absolutely positively
That anxiety building in my wrists
And the flashbacks I'm keeping at pay
Will fade away
Like the scent of blood
That triggered them.
Stop the flinching from the loud,
And ignore the memories of blood down my legs,
And guilt
So much guilt
So much loss.
Grieving someone that was never a someone,
That I didn't even know was there,
Until it was much, much too late.
Shaking my head,
To shake out the memories
To forget the loss,
And remember the gain.
Loss and pain is necessary
In order to live life knowing
That good can still exist
And how wonderful it feels.
I'm struggling to write this out,
But it needs to be said.
I've lost a lot.
I'm not losing you.
Here's to trying
And giving it all we've got,
All I've got.
I am going to be the best me possible,
If not for me then for you,
And for a future much brighter and warmer
Than a hospital room.
Jul 11, 2016
Jul 11, 2016 at 7:28 PM UTC
And in that moment
As it hits my side,
I realize
It's always been there
Jun 27, 2015
Jun 27, 2015 at 3:24 PM UTC
He looks like the kind of guy
I want to take me
steal me into the night
and let nobody save me
It feels like the kind of night
with my hands tied above my head
dazed with stars in my eyes
lips on mine like flesh full of lead
He's probably the kind of guy
to bump straight into me on the train
takes a week to agree to staying the night
not very selfish and not that vain
It's probably the kind of night
When its going great in my head
but we say our goodbyes
and go straight home to bed.
Mar 28, 2015
Mar 28, 2015 at 10:19 PM UTC
you watch the world
with empty eyes
so beady and black
yet not a star in sight
you wonder what the point is
after all you've been through
why isn't it over yet?
Jan 19, 2015
Jan 19, 2015 at 7:48 PM UTC
If I were to fall in love
It could only be with you
my heart longs to be lost
in your beautiful eyes
that seem to rival the bluest of skies
hesitant to let you know how I really feel
...the love I have for you
and how those feelings feel so real
worried about your reaction and
what you would say
or what you would do
for these feelings I have, started
with simple affection...
with passing days they grew
now I feel the beauty in life
with goose-bumps and butterflies
at the mere thought of you
I was floored by our connection
a feeling that I just couldn't ignore
Am I a fool?
for feeling this way from something so new?
though taken by surprise
and blown off my feet
this is the secret I keep
I lay on the ground
and I stare into space
Thinking of you with
the biggest smile on my face
Jan 12, 2015
Jan 12, 2015 at 11:25 PM UTC
my dorm walls are so white white white
that i cover them in my paintings
so i can make eye contact
with something that can care
and i am reminded
of spraying quotes on the walls at school
getting busted
thrown in the detention room for a week
and scribbling still more
on those white white walls
Sep 13, 2014
Sep 13, 2014 at 10:54 PM UTC
Between being touched by you
and ripped apart by myself
my body has lost all its worth
Aug 25, 2014
Aug 25, 2014 at 10:02 PM UTC
It's 2 o'clock in the morning and all i can think of
is how it feels to have you lying next to me.
I sleep better when you're here
because every time you touch me i feel like im at home.
Every time you throw your leg across me
and steal all of my covers
i feel like i belong.
I feel like someone loves me
when i wake up in the middle of the night
and you don't yell at me when i open the window
to smoke one more cigarette,
but you roll over and you kiss me on the cheek
and you tell me im cute when my hair is a mess.
I feel like someone loves me when you dismiss
all of my flaws because none of them matter to you.
All you want to do is hold my hand,
and right now all i want to do is hold yours.
Aug 25, 2014
Aug 25, 2014 at 9:21 PM UTC
one glance
just one
at a picture of you
maybe a text message
and the memories engulf me
you were so good to me
but me?
i played you
took your heart
and played it like a guitar
i wanted you to hate me
but to this day
you still love me
why
i destroyed you
Jul 29, 2014
Jul 29, 2014 at 4:44 AM UTC