i always thought twenty would be an age of maturity
the age of "put-togetherness"
the age of emotional regulation
as i near the age of twenty now,
all i can do is sit back and laugh
how far i still have to go
i still feel like the same little girl who picked at every physical imperfection in front of a mirror
i still get the same sour feeling in my chest when someone criticizes me, i never got better at not caring
i still tap my foot repeatedly as anxiety pulses through my veins in a room full of people
nearing the age of twenty,
i realize i am still consumed by the anxiety i always wished would magically fade with age
mental illness isn't a phase, yet it's something i have to deal with for the rest of my life
Nov 12, 2024
Nov 12, 2024 at 7:55 PM UTC
am i incapable of falling in love?
they say those who have been extremely damaged are the least likely to fall in love
i mean it makes sense, all of us damaged ones have never been shown what love was
our version of love is being treated like a dog, constantly begging for love
when i found you it was a different type of feeling
part of me knew i'd end up with you though
we've had our bumps but i've learned plenty on this journey
about you and me
we've definitely had to build on each other but we've come a long way
oh how i wish it were you all along
i strongly believe it's the timing of it all
if it was you since the beginning i'm 99% sure falling in love wouldn't be so hard
but unfortunately i had to be damaged a million times before meeting you
they always say the hardest relationship is the one after the toxic one
for so long i've been used to abuse and emotional manipulation,
that now i find myself getting bored when i'm not on that crazy rollercoaster ride, begging for love
but i'm happy i've met you
i just wish it was earlier
if only.
Sep 13, 2022
Sep 13, 2022 at 11:40 PM UTC
and then i realized
only medication or temporary rushes from substances would relieve the pain
the pain of living,
the suffocation of being trapped in a body i feel like i don't belong in
the never ending cycle of anxiety
and so i cried
and i cried so hard until i couldn't breathe
knowing there would never truly be an escape to this thing called life
Mar 5, 2022
Mar 5, 2022 at 12:05 AM UTC
the piercing screams of insults
ones that became engraved in your subconscious
just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife
another scar to add to your extensive list
run
like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air
similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way
each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target
she always manages to find another target
run
the wrath consuming me
years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy
all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions?
but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst
run
in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky
while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me
knowing my end, knowing my impending doom
but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win
you can't run anymore. the run is over.
Jan 26, 2022
Jan 26, 2022 at 10:34 PM UTC
i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you
but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted
but oh how i miss being held in your arms
in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you
to feel your embrace
to feel your presence
to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine
when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me
that everything would be okay in the end
but it wasn't.
i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end
the disappointment still consumes me
Jan 26, 2022
Jan 26, 2022 at 10:20 PM UTC
like the leaves on a tree that fall each year
when skies become darker, the world becoming more frigid
they slowly detach themselves from me
eventually i'm left with none in the end
each leaving my life for a different reason
a possible circumstance, or maybe they just grew tired of me
for each and every person there's always a different reason
the outcome is never different though
but then the spring comes around
a fresh start, new leaves begin to grow
and everything will return back to normal
however, the cycle will always repeat itself
Jan 9, 2022
Jan 9, 2022 at 1:40 AM UTC
preparing months for an exam
for a number that supposedly determines your worth
******* up to teachers, people you don't even like
just for them to hopefully write a few commendable words about you
all for the hopes of being deemed "acceptable" to some supposed authority
for a place that will decide what you'll be doing for the rest of your life
making these drastic decisions at the age of 18
when not too long ago you were just picking out your prom dress
listing down any type of hobby or recreation you have
to make yourself seem a little more unique
since the competitiveness between you and your peers is sharper than a knife
who will make the final cut in the end and be deemed worthy?
Jan 4, 2022
Jan 4, 2022 at 2:19 AM UTC
stuck in an endless cycle of criticism
just to avoid the mere idea of being hurt
the idea of letting someone fully into my heart, just to take another piece of it away?
it's something my mind and heart cannot fathom yet again
is my judgement something that can be seen as egotistical?
funny how i hate myself so much, yet try to hold you to such a high standard
but i know love cannot be formed in this manner
love isn't about changing someone into what you want
but rather about accepting and loving them for who they are
my mind judges the immaturity you have, like any other teenage boy
or the way you aren't my ideal person, academically
yet i admire the way you talk about your passions
or how you kiss me until i feel okay again
maybe that's what matters more
Dec 28, 2021
Dec 28, 2021 at 6:05 PM UTC
what a journey today was
it was as if everything i envisioned became a reality
sitting in the passenger seat, watching your ****** expressions as you spoke
reminiscent of the times our lips would interlock
reminiscent of when my gaze would be fixated on that smile of yours
it must be illegal, to even think of such a thought
because you were the one who hurt me most
yet today, speaking as if we were best friends felt so comfortable
it felt as if time never passed
speaking of our distant memories of when we were together
as if it was some form of amusement only we could understand
the fact i'm even writing about you feels illegal
but i can't help but think about how it felt looking in your eyes today
the same pair of eyes i once used to think belonged to the man i loved
i was freshly fifteen at the time, but my heart felt so attached to you
and the fact that i'm an ice cold stone now, who can't feel anything, surprises me more
or so i think
Dec 9, 2021
Dec 9, 2021 at 12:44 AM UTC
an out of body experience it was meeting you
looking into your eyes, lost in the endless shimmer they gave off
a single touch from you was like a touch from the heavens
sparks flying just from a single conversation
everything changed the moment i met you
just as quick as it happened was as quick as it was gone
you left and took a part of me with you
a part that i will never get back again
oh how i miss her
everything changed the moment you left
months go by and my heart still asks about you
deep down i always knew you were my soulmate
but it felt dramatic to say that, however now i know it's true
no one can ever make me feel the way you did
everything is different now
Oct 5, 2021
Oct 5, 2021 at 8:18 PM UTC