#ideation
The hush of blankets over sheets is not a comfort to me.
Push it off later and later until he
tells me he’ll make it himself. Reflexively,
I take this pardon selfishly.
For getting up feels a lot like giving in,
and when I lay down I know the ache will begin again.
Here’s the trend:
I’ll close my eyes but all too soon I’ll open them—
that’s the danger in my head,
sometimes I wish I never had to open them.
Don’t tell Melanie,
It’ll turn into a thing and then she
will turn to her notes and tell me
that ideation is a self fulfilling prophecy.
But the prophecy is a part of me,
to separate it won’t turn it to nothing.
I promise you I’m trying
but the answer is hidden under lock and key.
He’s pulling back the covers;
expects me to slip under.
But in sleep, I do not find comfort.
Nov 12, 2025
Nov 12, 2025 at 6:20 PM UTC
What world do you speak of
That fetishizes the mother
And turns it’s back on the infant
Pursing
Suckling
Like a bee on a Carmellia in
July
What is inside of me that hasn’t
Already been emptied?
Do you every wonder,
Why, we mothers
Bake our children cookies
Only to wrap our heads in cloth?
And our husbands,
God rest their souls,
Will burn down the walls
To put out the fire
Sep 26, 2023
Sep 26, 2023 at 11:04 AM UTC
Have you ever drowned before...?
Have you ever been scared that you might?
Have you felt the water wash over your face,
and watched as mid-day fades to night?
That is what depression feels like.
It starts with swimming too far out
and suddenly realizing you're caught in the waves.
But before you even begin to drown,
the panic settles in as you picture your grave.
You cry out for help,
and struggle for one deep breath,
but the waves are strong
and the water is deaf.
You start to reminisce
about all the memories shared
with the ones you love so much.
You realize that you're scared.
At this point as you're drowning,
all hope seems to have disappeared.
Now you await death alone,
thinking your conscious is clear.
But instead of deadly waves,
It's just you and a gun.
You think this is where the drowning ends,
but it's only just begun.
Jan 1, 2022
Jan 1, 2022 at 4:14 AM UTC
Calling was the void
Wondrous, fearful, cavernous
From within her mind
Jul 21, 2021
Jul 21, 2021 at 7:28 PM UTC
Found me out in the
Sycamore tree, swaying soft
On an evening breeze
Jul 21, 2021
Jul 21, 2021 at 7:27 PM UTC
I don’t need you to solve my problems
Just listen to me while I cry
I don’t need you to give your life
Just love me when I want to die
Give me time to process
Give me time to breath
Promise that you’ll hold me
Promise you won’t leave
I just need some time to grieve for
The life I lost when I was young
I just need some time to grieve for
All the songs I’ve left unsung
When we wake up in the morning
As the sun peaks through the trees
The birds sing out their warning
As the wind rustles through the leaves
I can feel my heart a glowing
As you kiss me on the cheek
Like a tree I have been growing
Of my sorrows let me speak
I just need some time to grieve for
The life I lost when I was young
I just need some time to grieve for
All the songs I’ve left unsung
When the day is gone
And we’re done with the sun
Kiss me on my head
As I sink into the bed
As the sky’s turn red
And I’m wishing I was dead
You can rock me to sleep
With the nightmares I keep
And I’ll dream of songs unsung
And I’ll dream of songs unsung
Jul 16, 2021
Jul 16, 2021 at 5:40 PM UTC
Hammered the last
Nail in my coffin
From the inside sticking out
For some unfortunate
Future soles' finding
Feb 10, 2021
Feb 10, 2021 at 11:26 AM UTC
#*
Ideas grew old
Many times retold
Refurbished
Designs on the web
The spider knew its craft
The fly well caught
Adorned as centre piece
Reroofed and rebuilt
The origins restored
Lotus grew manifold
Memories of the old pond
Settled in the wet mud
Sliding over the new lotus leaves
Everlasting the ideation
The ideas old, retold
Refurbished*#
Jan 28, 2021
Jan 28, 2021 at 12:08 PM UTC
We had good *** but that’s about it
We argue over text about stupid ****
You we’re insecure about your ****
I think it made you a *****
Your insecurities
Overwhelmed me
You’re demons overran you
Boy I just couldn’t stand you
I don’t wanna see you any more
You crashed my car then ****** a *****
I don’t blame her tho
This is all on you
I dont think you know
How the things you do
Affect those around you
Like how you ****** that girl in my bed
Or how your lies were in everything you never said
How you criticized me for wanting to be dead
Why don’t you pull the trigger
put a bullet through my head
Would’ve been better than what you did
When you put that cigarette out on my shoulder
Looked you in the eyes
While I felt it smolder
Said it was fine
You didn’t commit a crime
Cause I wanted it so bad
Like you where always mad
at me for my loyalty
You could never trust
You were always tryina bust
All you had for me was lust
She said you couldn’t have me
That made you want me so much
Now and then I cringe
at how I responded to your touch
I was just tryina binge
Watch some anime
Then you took that away
You forced me to cuddle
You grabbed my hair
Turned me to a puddle
Dissociated
Comatose baby
Protective personalities
Malfunctioning realities
Could this really be happening
I’m watching from the ceiling again
That’s not my body this is all pretend
Oh Geo, I don’t miss you so
I’m so glad to see you go
Now I finally have control
Oct 12, 2020
Oct 12, 2020 at 3:18 PM UTC
This is it
the end of the high
The start of the low
I can see it
Through death's sullen eyes
The yearning for my soul
And perhaps I'll waltz
in death's arms
Just not close enough for a kiss
May 19, 2020
May 19, 2020 at 3:46 AM UTC
_tw suicidal fantasy_
This is the last time
The knife will never again leave its drawer
Not after tonight
Not by my hand
I’ll take it out
Unsheathe the tool of my end
I just... I just wanna...
Hold it against my skin
There will be no restraint
Not this time
I’ll dig it in as deep as I can bear
Tear a horrible **** in my arm
I wanna feel the agony
Watch myself bleed out
Until it gets foggy
Until the room starts to sway
Then, I can lay myself down
One last time.
Feb 18, 2020
Feb 18, 2020 at 1:08 AM UTC
The human appetite
To **** the pain
to not experience any
dis-
comfort
The human appetite
to run a-way
far, away
are
seeds planted from our
footsteps
The more we run
the bigger the
plant, thump! says despair
the hungrier
we get
the greater the ruin
in our run
Don't avoid
the burdens of
engaging lost plans, find again
your A,B,C's, a friendly classmate, your sister
or others.
Other Wise,
the human
starves its self
in a marathon
by sealing off mouths.
Alimentary,
Leaving one, you, her, they,
them,
in the
hunger cycle
to feed
then. crushed
left over a lean-to void,
And endless hunger
Elementary words
Don't avoid
pain.
I L.o.v.e and Y.o.u
It requires a handshake
a' la carte,
Indulge in
nutrient rich
Appetites
The elementary
remedy is not in
the crash diet.
Come home now.
Ring a bell
Your table is set
I am here
It's time for dinner.
Aug 19, 2019
Aug 19, 2019 at 2:01 PM UTC
It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks,
chases the beats of my heart until it feels like it might stop,
electrocutes my blood and shoots lightning through my bones,
pours gunpowder on my lungs after a shot right to the chest,
and inside my shaking limbs
and numbing skin,
my insides are spinning,
an earthquake has just begun.
It grips me
tighter than my hands clasped together,
every muscle straining, every fiber tensed,
and waits,
sharper than teeth clenching on the flesh of what’s left of my humanity,
it waits,
to tear me apart.
In public spaces,
the crowds and faces
squeeze the life out of me.
Watered-down pain,
my teeth make an appearance,
the forced laugh exhales deeply but fails to inhale again.
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me.
I count to three
tell myself I’m okay
“You’re fine
You’re fine
You’re fine”
Still, I can barely breathe.
My eyes I cannot tame,
I hold them back but they betray me,
So I swallow all I can,
engulfing my energy
until I’m able to leave.
In the quiet
I sink in my pillow,
Like a ship at sea caught in a storm,
Filling with rain.
My hand grips over my mouth
I’m quieter than a mouse
The windows are open and crickets are chirping,
and my head tries to disassemble the bomb
alleviate the pressure
of silent breathless screams,
before it explodes.
After the war
My eyes are ****** and burn
and I curl up in a ball
wrap myself tight
let the fan that swirls slower than my pain
dry my eyes
steady my shaking
remind me to take in the air it circulates
when I stop breathing,
when I’m limp and weak and still,
It whispers “shhh”
and lullabies me to sleep.
The sleep won’t last
and I jolt awake with nausea so strong
stomach still churning
head still spinning
chest still hosting a circus
but I am still curled up
the fan still singing.
It rains a little more
until I drift under
to be reminded again the next hour.
Sometimes I think
how peaceful it would be
to have that powerful silence:
my cells would stop dividing
brain would stop lying
I would stop denying
all the pain that has been caused
this is just a reckless fantasy
a way to elude one’s own reality
so I choose not the silence of rest
but the silence of war.
I will keep fighting my war
so no war is created
because of me.
Aug 12, 2019
Aug 12, 2019 at 5:28 PM UTC