W h a t D o e s I t F e e l L i k e ?

writingtruth Poems

It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks, chases the beats of my heart until it feels like it might stop, electrocutes my blood and shoots lightning through my bones, pours gunpowder on my lungs after a shot right to the chest, and inside my shaking limbs and numbing skin, my insides are spinning, an earthquake has just begun. It grips me tighter than my hands clasped together, every muscle straining, every fiber tensed, and waits, sharper than teeth clenching on the flesh of what’s left of my humanity, it waits, to tear me apart. In public spaces, the crowds and faces squeeze the life out of me. Watered-down pain, my teeth make an appearance, the forced laugh exhales deeply but fails to inhale again. Its bubbling up, it wants to escape I don't know how long I can hold it I'm not that strong I want control over it But it consumes me. I count to three tell myself I’m okay “You’re fine You’re fine You’re fine” Still, I can barely breathe. My eyes I cannot tame, I hold them back but they betray me, So I swallow all I can, engulfing my energy until I’m able to leave. In the quiet I sink in my pillow, Like a ship at sea caught in a storm, Filling with rain. My hand grips over my mouth I’m quieter than a mouse The windows are open and crickets are chirping, and my head tries to disassemble the bomb alleviate the pressure of silent breathless screams, before it explodes. After the war My eyes are ****** and burn and I curl up in a ball wrap myself tight let the fan that swirls slower than my pain dry my eyes steady my shaking remind me to take in the air it circulates when I stop breathing, when I’m limp and weak and still, It whispers “shhh” and lullabies me to sleep. The sleep won’t last and I jolt awake with nausea so strong stomach still churning head still spinning chest still hosting a circus but I am still curled up the fan still singing. It rains a little more until I drift under to be reminded again the next hour. Sometimes I think how peaceful it would be to have that powerful silence: my cells would stop dividing brain would stop lying I would stop denying all the pain that has been caused this is just a reckless fantasy a way to elude one’s own reality so I choose not the silence of rest but the silence of war. I will keep fighting my war so no war is created because of me.