#greatful
Seeing sunny play
Happy, excited and free
Tail wags happily
Crying with my mom
After a heavy movie
Letting the tears fall
Existing in
The vast water of the lake
Watching the sun fall
Reading a big book
Full of so many stories
Waiting to be told
Going down to the
Cabin to run and play
Splashing in the water
Laying in the grass
Sun looking down at me
To greet me hello
Small moments that feel
Incredibly freeing
And keep me okay.
Jun 3, 2025
Jun 3, 2025 at 5:12 PM UTC
"Honestly I didnt think you'd ever "no more" him.
You gave your all and more, back in the day. From what I've seen in posts, it continued.
You loved the **** out of him, I can only assume that grew ten fold after you had his daughter. If you're still the same as when I knew you, you wore your heart on your sleeve towards him."
Yep I did. I gave him every chance to do what he promised he would, I forgave him more times than he deserved, for things I should never have forgiven. I made excuses for his actions, not only to myself but to everyone around me, because I was embarrassed with the disrespect I had allowed. I took him back every ******* time, knowing it would probably be exactly the same, simply because I loved him so **** much.
I was unable to **** the last bit of me, that held onto the hope that I was wrong, and that he would change. I was in denial for so long, I balled my eyes out for probably weeks after he left. I jumped anytime my phone made a noise, hoping it was him, hoping he had finally realized what he threw away and was going to come back, and be the guy he pretended he was when we first met. I did everything I could for him, even after he dumped me for some ****** I even brought them BOTH food and warm clothes and blankets, daily cuz they were homeless. I held onto his stuff as if I was a storage locker, for YEARS, because he refused to come and get it. I tried everything within my power to both make him happy b4 he left me , and then to try to make him remember that he loved me and come back. I warned him time and time again when I felt myself starting to lose the desire to fix us.
I begged him that if what he kept saying was true, and he did really want us to work, if he loved me, to please put in ANY amount of effort to show me. The ONLY thing I wanted from him was honesty, **** I even offered that guy a God **** open relationship! I just wanted the cheating to stop. Which he declined saying he wanted only me, then continued to cheat on me even while I was in the hospital with our newborn baby.
And it wasn't until I told him I had zero left in me, and I started treating him the way he had always treated me, that he decided to pretend to care. And even then, when I had no more left in me, I still would have taken him back and I told him that, but I said in order to do that I had to see effort, consistently, for a good amount of time. I told him it would take work, lots of time and honesty. And it was all on him from that point forward cuz I was depleted. And you know what that "man" said to me. He said "Why the hell am I going to try and put in all the effort, when you just said you won't put any effort in. How the hell am I going to be the only one trying" that. The fact that he refused to be the "only one trying" but he had been completely fine when it was me doing everything. That was when I think I finally started to see it, why the **** did I want him back? What had I been fighting to win back this whole God **** time? Someone who constantly lied cheated yelled at me called me horrible things daily? I tried very hard for a long time to get him to understand and see what he had been doing, but when it really really mattered, when given the possibility to repair everything, he was not interested. Now he keeps saying he misses me, and he's sorry. I am not sure it's me he misses, more likely it's the help I gave, that he's now finally noticing the lack of. I'm sorry that he is feeling the regret for his actions. But I can't help but wonder if it's caused by the realization of what he did to me, to us, or more likely it's discomfort at the consequences of the choices he made. I really tried to make us work, I did everything I could. And with the number of times he had to change, the countless opportunities he ignored, that he could have made the choice to try, but he didn't. I begged him so many times, but he never cared, at least not till after i told him i had nothing left in me to give. He broke my heart so many times, and every time I gave him another chance, just for him to go and do it again and again. It broke my heart when I finally realized that I was fighting for something that never existed. I doubt he understands how hard it was to accept and come to trems with the fact that the man i loved was never real. Or maybe he was, but he is no longer that guy.. The guy that i loved would have never done half of what he did, he wouldnt have hurt me like that. I warned him when i could feel myself getting closer to the point of no return, but he just saw my pleding for help as a manipulation. He was too focused on thinking i was trying to control him all the time, to see that i was only ever trying to help him be the person i knew he could be. I never wanted to control him, but the thing he never understood was that when someone actually loves you, they won't put up with your **** Its the people that dont care that dont try to correct ****** behavior, because they can't be bothered to. I cared with every bit of my heart and soul. I did. So i tried to help him, but it was only controlling in his eyes. He saw me as a manipulative control freak by the end and he wanted out. In the end he taught me that it is safer to push love down. He made it dangerous to love him. Loving him was destroying me. Im not sure if he fully realized all the damage that was caused by what he had done. I am not sure I'll ever be the girl I was before him, that's not to say it's a bad thing though. He made me smarter, he showed me that I gave my heart away to fast for so little in return, I was naive. I learned things about life and about myself because of him, and i thank him for that, truly. I will keep the lessons he taught me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there isn't anything else I can do at this point. You know, I still remember the day he looked in my eyes and he told me he could never hurt me. My biggest regret to this day is that because I believed him, I gave him the ability to do just that, over and over again. I do care about him still, and I probably always will, but I need to protect my heart, I know that now. And it ***** but he had my heart for years. Even after he left me, he still held it. But in all that time, instead of protecting it and cherishing it, he was the biggest cause of pain to it. So yeah, I care, but he gave me no other choice but to do so from afar. I tried, but when it mattered most, when it could have fixed things, when him caring may have fixed us , he simply didn't want to. And now the point I warned him about for so long is here. I told him that one day he'd wake up and realize what he did, and beg for one last chance. I also told him that it broke my heart, because I knew that by the time that happened, it would already be much much to late. And that days here, and I was right. Because now I finally see it. I am way to good for his selfish behavior. I deserve much better. I'm not perfect, and i know that. But i deserve someone who knows they arent perfect either. Someone who wants to help solve any problems that we run into. Someone who sees our disagreement the same way i do, not them against me, but us together against the problem. When I think about the future now, for the first time in almost 8 years, the image I see doesn't include him. Its bitter sweet, because we did have all these plans of our family and how our life was going to go, and those are now gone. But im also greatful that I finally see, I am so much better off with out him.
Nov 9, 2024
Nov 9, 2024 at 3:20 PM UTC
Depression takes a lot from you; your time, your memories, your
opportunities.
It takes things you didn't realize you had to lose
It takes your health, your drive, your mind
It takes your silence
Once the defending noise starts it never ends
Once one thought is formed the rest come like raindrops in a storm
Once you hear the words it tells you never forget them
Once the silence is gone it seems like the noise will never stop
The moment I knew I was getting better when I listen to music and
Every note, instrument, and vocal that played I heard
uninterrupted
Every sound felt like a concert in the back of my head
Every thought I had was my own
Every single thought that was formed was given permission to
exist
I am grateful for a lot, my family, my friends
I am grateful for the time, memories, and opportunities I get to
have again
But most of all
I am grateful for the silence in my head that let me own my own
mind again
Jan 31, 2021
Jan 31, 2021 at 6:53 PM UTC
In accepting anything
life has given me,
I accepted everything whatever life gave me and might still be given,
in good faith again I shall receive.
For I've learned in strife
along the treacherous road taken
and in much lack
"We cannot have what we want to but whatever is given to us."
And I can sincerely say
I received abundant treasures timely in the spring time of my love life as
meeting you changed my world.
Untimely unintentionally unknowingly later on lost
everything
When the lost was found
it was Mother's Day
a revolving door suddenly opened up!
rendering all treasures lost
be found
but only if I spoke within the window of time openning.
I being in shock was mute
Mother's Day to do it was dire
to me cruel to rejoice or win
let along marry to change my life and Earth
I didn't change powers between rich joining marrying poor
So 25 years later
this virulent pandemic
intimately affects me deeply so.
as change arrived for all Earth!
How am I to blame?
The giver liver of my loots was
a chronological genius
failing to see I was made
by many a foe
fated to become a chronological disaster of another kind
amnesia played a roll extreme pain both physical and psychological clutter foes
very easy to cure
with just one hug and many questions not rendered.
I needed protection
understanding trust.
He and his antorage left me behind instead of fixing
my ill fated failures
and still my beloved King
for all the bittersweet blessings and all evils entwined crushed
with his presence alone
couldn't close the gap.
but love is many a blessing many a spender thing
all effort understood a healing
medicine became
I sincerely remain
ever thankful
ever greateful ever healed
to have loved and lost
lost found again and again
to regain sanity amidst
a hellish world too early thrown
by the evil in bad people's hearts.
And truly feeling ever so blessed
ever honored rebuilt in so many ways recovered amnesia
my mind became fortress
by one man with wisdom and foresight to bet on my future
that I choose life
even death protects me now
Cimi is me and Etchnab knife
is a gift from birth by my Aztec -Mayan calendars saving me cutting pain of ice and fire
as it arrives and I transform.
Although my beloved moved on
he read my story poem being truth
as better then wisdom
my old true love understands
my long un-requited love
was once for too long
his very own
I forever love the man who ransomed me on Mother's Day
for we share one soul
one heart one single thought...
..twin souls just forsaking flame.
~~~~
Karijinbba
03/24/20
Mar 24, 2020
Mar 24, 2020 at 1:40 PM UTC
I thank you for your patience
And all our conversations
I thank you for your time
You're the tequila to my lime
I'm greatful for your laugh
As we wonder down this path
I'm greatful for your love
You're the hand to my glove
I'll remember that you said
Sundays are spent in bed
I'll remember how you sigh
Every time we say goodbye
Its you i won't forget
As your path to death is set
Its you i will carry far
Always living in my heart
As i stay unto the end
Before your soul ascends
I'm thankful i could love you
And that you also love me too
Dec 11, 2019
Dec 11, 2019 at 6:30 PM UTC
My father's sister Salome crossed the rainbow bridge she was my French and native link to family root I found after 28 years appart
My daughter Rose drove us to a nearby ocean front to apeace
my grief, breathing in the gentle
sea breeze and sitting on the sand together
Other people enjoyed beach activities too
I had water in a paper cup
but no food remained in a bag,
when a crow unexpectedly landed alone by my side
no other raven/crow were seen.
perhaps attracted to my silvery long hair flying maybe from
my daughters house 1 mile away from Marina where I often fed crows and ravens cat food.
This raven/crow's feathers glistened in magestic dark bluish green hues. I'd caress its plumage but didn't not to ***** it
it wasn't my purring feline!
It deared trust me further though pointing it's beak at my cup of water and it drank thirstily as I held it joyfully to its beak gently quietly as it drank;
then it pointed its beak
to the empty bag so I
appologized moved in regret
for no more food was in it.
My girl took photos of this awesome moment but she
never mentioned its greatness again my Rose simply said something unexpected to me
"don't feed crows in my home"
Jeff does't like them around!
and I felt her tongue's needle
also in my heart!
Such rare moment in time
a universe in itself!
time had stoped!
with a hungry raven/crow
this tender moment
lived only in my memory
without the pictures taken
untill now sharing one crow's gentle greatness and courage
to land close to one human
seeking food.
The graceful raven/crow's
encounter!
Rosie's own loving mom,
instantly reveared and
trusted BEST by a greatful intuitive trusting creature
a raven/crow!
How special it made me feel!
to choose me by the sea.
How deep my girl's comment
stung that since married
Rose behaves indifferent
where once tenderly moved!
wrongly misguided by
strange racist bad people
Rosie"s hill billy superstitious
ignorant white trash in laws.
My evil ex's sister ugly snake
in every Mothers paradise
a "fat pig" she calls herself a Mansons advocate almost
turned me into a murdered pregnant Sharon Tate!
Lizz in the habit of arranging
calls to my three girls in laws, sons in law, my old boss at various employment
bussnessess a hate crime of old
saying my name and cursing them so I get fired then telling my girls nobody liked me at work either! brain washing them
and assassinating my character!
Lizzz since age 12 a drug user ******* to control rage in her brother two pees in a pod
my ex once told Lizz in a moment of lucidity;
"you'll never be half the
woman my Mexica-American beautiful wife is."
Since then my life is hell
No. I don't blame Lizz shes mad
I blame myself trusting her
hearless impotent brother
my grown girls are under their spell they mingle with vipers now
Surely even a courageous
greatful raven/cow has
more grace and common
sence to trust me Mom
to nourish and care for it.
This is my life in the big
apple USA
who wants my script!?
it's up for sale!
povery is a ***** please hurry.
or I'll be famous after death!.
~~~~~~~~
By:Karijinbba
All Rights Reserved
Revised 4/2/19
(excerpt from my memoir!)
(AA/Bba/Asg. (proudly)
May 2, 2019
May 2, 2019 at 10:34 AM UTC
I know you still share feelings (a)
Though, with different meanings (a)
for I remember: (c)
Your heart gazed into my ego (d)
Your crystalline eyes (e)
with pristine seas (f)
Melted my heart, like that of ice (g)
Your lips, rewrote my affection (h)
Things might be different (i)
Though I might now be an insurgent (i)
for if I re-render: (c)
Your lips, told me to go (d)
on the most obscure days (e)
in a world of dying trees (f)
with no breath, like lab mice (g)
I tied a noose, with my rejection (h)
Apr 12, 2019
Apr 12, 2019 at 4:27 AM UTC
The lights aren’t so bright,
I entered the inside unknowingly,
But before I go I know what I will be missing.
If I only could stay I would,
Don’t look down on me, it doesn’t mean I let go,
It just as I came in unknowingly,
I never had planned to leave.
I would miss the sun and the moon,
They had never stop looking at me with their beauty,
I will miss the two mountains that feed me day and night,
I will miss the tenderness of the valleys that carried my rain each time am troubled.
I wish to take her with me but many will suffer without her beauty,
Please world be kind to her.
I wish to stand strong with her even after this life and keep her safe,
But only he who plans the unknown knows if it’s possible.
I sink the moon and sun of mine,
That yours may feel the void it leaves behind,
Remember for every sun and moon it can never be replaced,
Some will always feel its void,
Please be kind nurse my little offsprings.
May my prayer beheld to the ends of the heaven and earth
Before I go, go with my little ones my Lord and savior
Jan 3, 2019
Jan 3, 2019 at 2:39 AM UTC
I am changing.
I'm not greatful nor have I gained wisdom from what happened to me.
But I am tougher, my barrier is stronger.
I know who I am, and I'm no longer afraid.
No more ******** and lies.
I see through it all.
So take your best shot, I dare you.
Sep 19, 2017
Sep 19, 2017 at 10:31 AM UTC
Another year gone by,
Atleast for 7 months the debate about who is older will not be heard.
Ohh boy!
An I so glad.
Its just silly to be wishing you a happy birthday,
But whatever, you deserve it.
Wishing I could spoil your day so badly.
But luckily I ain't around.
Little-Old "bro" God has sustained you.
Wishing you a long life
And heaven at last.
May the good Lord guide and bless you.
Reminding you that every day leads to you being a man.
May you live to see your children's children.
(And also mine too).
A blissful and a happy birthday to you
With lots of love and care.
Mar 31, 2016
Mar 31, 2016 at 1:04 PM UTC
One day I will look back at this moment and say "Gosh! I was crazy".
However, this is one moment that has just found its permanent post in my memory lane.
I will cherish it always and only share it with those who will understand.
Feb 17, 2016
Feb 17, 2016 at 3:58 PM UTC
Stubbed toe
But you have your foot
Too busy to eat lunch
But fridge full of food
Stuck in traffic
But you own a car
Tired from no sleep
But you have a bed
Take a moment to see
All you have in this life
Give to those to don't ask
Love yourself and those around
Oct 10, 2015
Oct 10, 2015 at 3:03 PM UTC
Doth thou knoweth what's awakening to thine being as a whole?
Whenever opening up, the second new's section;
Reading all of the obituaries
Seeing all the hundred's of departed soul's.
©Brandon nagley
©Lonesome poet's poetry
Aug 19, 2015
Aug 19, 2015 at 2:44 PM UTC
Praising Jesus in your darkest hour
When your stressed and tired
You feel no hope in you heart
Things around you are not perfect
But there's got to be something worth smiling about
So praise Jesus.
"Thank You Jesus"
Because things can be bad right now
But they could always, always be much worse.
May 17, 2015
May 17, 2015 at 9:18 AM UTC
A devoting father will all struggles
working 12 hour shifts without a juggle
Sacrifices all his time
just to work and earn a dime
Never a thanks or a smile
nobody thinks of all the miles and miles
The entire time he walks to hike
with all the sweat it brings to strikes
His put everyday to work under pressure
working 3-4 jobs to earn a little amount of treasure
His ungreatful children brings unwanted tears
nobody can hear his silent fears
Nothing will ever be enough and he knows
but he tries his best not to show
He sits and pray behind the closed door
hearing his family screams and he cries more
His outstanding performance of hard work bloodshot eyes
completely wasted on his family disgusts of lies
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 7:27 AM UTC
my mommy tells me im beautiful
my mommy tells me im smart
society says im ugly
cause my thighs don't part
my mommy says ignore them
she says don't let them faze you
but the world says you are disgusting because of what
the good lord gave you.....
well which one is it?
am I strong
or am I weak?
am I pretty or ugly?
these are questions I must ask.
why does the world have to be like that
Feb 8, 2015
Feb 8, 2015 at 6:15 PM UTC
Bad news from your lips is outweighed by finding
your
lips
Oct 27, 2014
Oct 27, 2014 at 3:05 PM UTC
oh have you been there for me
when i needed a hug
or laugh
or your unconditional love
i am so
greatful for you
thank you
Mar 25, 2014
Mar 25, 2014 at 2:34 AM UTC