#findingmyself
They aren’t only them anymore—
they’re a place I return to
without moving.
A corridor of childhood laughter,
where my steps were lighter,
where someone’s presence
felt like a small festival in my chest.
I remember
how I used to wait—
not with patience,
but with spark.
Not for words,
not for promises,
just to see them
and feel… enough.
And maybe that’s what stayed.
Not their voice,
not their face as it is today—
but the way I existed
when they were around.
Soft.
Seen.
Safe in a way
I didn’t have to question.
So I keep searching for them
in every new face—
but they arrive as strangers,
while they…
still feel like home.
And now I understand—
I’m not holding onto them,
I’m holding onto
a version of me
that once knew how to shine
without trying.
Mar 20
Mar 20, 2026 at 10:55 AM UTC
I'm the clown of my own circus,
putting on a show so amazing...but its all a ruse.
See I wear a mask, and a fake smile so bright,
hiding the pain, the darkness of night.
I'm juggling emotions, trying to stay afloat,
but its hard to keep up, when you're feeling broke.
It's all a jumbled mess that's unorganized, with no other performer but me.
I'm the star of my own messed-up show,
where the laughter's loud, but the tears still flow.
I'm trying to be strong, to put a brave face,
but its hard when the spotlight shines on my darkest place.
I'm standing here a joker juggling doubts, fears, and anxiety too,
trying to keep it together, but its exhausting to get through.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing control,
like the circus is burning, and I'm losing my role.
I'll keep on performing, with a grin so wide,
hoping that someday, I'll find my true stride.
Mar 13
Mar 13, 2026 at 3:06 AM UTC
Ink didn’t leave
Even when I did.
It stayed at the edge
Of the table — untouched.
It splashed onto one of my pages.
I didn’t touch it,
I didn’t notice —
Pain arrives silently.
That’s when I found myself
Not staring at his eyes,
Not between his arms,
But
In between the lines.
The girl
The ink had been waiting for —
Finally between her fingers.
Feb 11
Feb 11, 2026 at 1:16 PM UTC
Confident when alone
I feel worthy, talented, well-behaved, and beautiful.
I love each mole, curve, and aspect of my body.
I am very well-versed in speaking languages and justifying my actions to self.
I love music, and my own voice gives me peace and feels soulful.
The Hesitant Me in Crowd
I feel worthless, arrogant, and stubborn.
I feel timid with my dark skin, weight, and not-so-attractive beauty.
I feel I am bad at communicating and always at fault.
My voice sounds bad, and I have a bad taste in music.
Why?
Why does everything seem different, as if I am carrying two faces of myself?
Why do the people I feel as a sense of protection seem like the reason for my insecurity at times?
Is it because my self-consciousness is making me doubt myself? What is the reason I am stuck between my confident self and hesitant, doubtful person?
And in between these faces,
I stand—
half-lit, half-lost,
searching for the whole.
Nov 4, 2025
Nov 4, 2025 at 1:40 AM UTC
I was made to be on top by God,
But I became a tool that only nods.
I see myself — I know I’m better,
But I can’t control it… and that’s what’s bitter.
I want to live as my true self,
But became someone who hides from himself.
I knew I needed a pause, a break,
But they yelled, “Stop? For God's sake?”
So I paused… and quietly broke.
Now I can’t hit back — I’m sinking slow.
In a lake of silence, deep and wide,
I watch the real me — float outside.
Jun 23, 2025
Jun 23, 2025 at 2:16 AM UTC
No time to carry the weight of their hate,
No space to kindle bitterness within.
Here I stand, wrapped in my wounds.
No words to unravel who I am,
No need to cleanse the stains of their judgment.
Here I linger, lost in my confusion.
No understanding do I seek from souls,
No gaze of sympathy do I crave.
It’s only me and the chaos I kept.
Feb 10, 2025
Feb 10, 2025 at 8:28 PM UTC
I stand in the mirror, searching my face,
for signs of change, for bits I’ve replaced.
I’ve fought to grow, to mend and refine,
to leave behind what was never mine.
Each day I rise, steady and slow,
trying to be someone I want you to know.
I’ve come so far, I can see it clear—
the battles won, the silenced fears.
I’m proud of the scars that no one can see,
proof of the strength that’s blooming in me.
But still, there’s doubt, sharp and cruel,
whispering rules I didn’t choose.
Am I enough? Am I changing too late?
Will love slip through at the hand of fate?
I try, oh I try, with every breath,
to give you a love that defies death.
But what if my steps aren’t swift or right,
what if I lose you in this fight?
I ache for more than just “almost there,”
I want to be someone who shows they care,
without the weight of fear or mistake,
without wondering what love might take.
But even as doubt grips my chest,
I know I’m doing my very best.
So I hold onto this truth I’ve found—
growth isn’t perfect, nor always profound.
It’s quiet steps, a trembling climb,
becoming better, one piece at a time.
And if love is real, as I believe it to be,
you’ll see the best still rising in me.
I may not be finished, but I stand here strong,
with a heart that’s learning where it belongs.
And I promise, with all that I am and will do,
I’ll keep getting better—for me and for you.
Jan 29, 2025
Jan 29, 2025 at 3:29 PM UTC
Oh the irony
When I called you the guy
Whose music saved me
And now some days I nearly die
And right now I curse your name
And I think, wherever you lie
I hope you lie and feel something the same
Like I, so exhausted I can't even cry
I asked for a bit of kindness, that is all.
And then I remember how messed up you are
Already, uncharitably, and charitably, I fall
Into the comforting thought that so far
And further, you're punishing yourself
And that I could have tried to help
But I'm helping better by focusing on myself
And leaving you to your own quiet yelp
Into the empty world you framed it well to be;
And I think, Stuff it, I deserve far, far better
And not even from you, just generally
And one day I won't blame you, still bitter
As you are, transcendent as I will be -
I wish I could say I felt you deserved my pity.
Mar 16, 2022
Mar 16, 2022 at 8:50 AM UTC
One of these days
I'm gonna leave this place
I'll disappear
Far away from here.
I'll vanish and everyone will be clueless
Left wondering about my existence.
I'll do everything I want alone
Myself, my only companion.
Jun 11, 2020
Jun 11, 2020 at 7:56 PM UTC
screaming into void
trying to gain something
nothing happens;
the void stays
still searching for something
still feeling the emptiness
facing each day
recharging on my own
spreading positivity around
receiving emptiness
the void stays
painful to watch pain
painful to feel
painful to let go
I still move into the void
in hope of finding something
trying to be cold
trying to control emotions
trying to stay strong
I still wander in this void
searching for something
something feels like a distant home
walking endlessly towards it.
I have started to breathe freely
now, the something is me
I am still searching for myself
starting to decipher the void within me
NOW feels freeing 💜
Mar 2, 2020
Mar 2, 2020 at 10:28 PM UTC
I was left soaking in my sorrow
Hoping there will be a better tomorrow
Constant check ups to see how he's doing
But never once was I one he was pursuing
I prayed and cried hoping he'd regret hurting me
Coming back apologizing for deserting me
Until someone else came along and reminded me of my worth
I'm stronger and pray for him to stay far from my turf
Mar 15, 2019
Mar 15, 2019 at 9:42 PM UTC
There is a line
Dividing myself from myself
I am two tormented bodies
Merged intricately into one skin
Trouble is looming
They want out and I am trying to mediate The conflict
They are tired and insecure
They want themself to themselves
And I want it all
I can see the marks on my skin
The stretching and the pulling
And the tearing apart
It cracks and flakes
And I watch me lose my faith
Fragment by fragment
There is a line
It can be felt but not seen
It is hard and bold
And obscured by fantasy
There is a line
That awaits
The tug of acceptance
Once the collision
At long last
Materializes
Into
Something real
Oct 5, 2018
Oct 5, 2018 at 1:58 AM UTC
Dear heart.
I know you're somewhere and
it scares me that I can't find you.
Did I lose you to that boy I spoke about all the time?
Did I lose you to friends that left?
Did I lose you to the pain you felt?
The pain I ignored?
They pain I misjudged?
Hello?
Are you there?
I can’t hear you beating anymore?
I know you're out there and I need to talk to you.
I need to tell you how I feel.
Please answer me!
Maybe you're gone because I hurt you.
I didn't mean to.
I just wanted somebody to talk to.
Now you're gone and I don't even know for how long that will be.
all I'm saying is that when you learn to forgive me I hope you'll come back.
I need you.
I can't live without you.
Continue to beat, because eventually I'll find you.
Sep 17, 2018
Sep 17, 2018 at 4:58 AM UTC
Soul blank and empty
A fresh canvas
Shining flecks of love
But stored in the dark
I can't paint over it
The creation held becomes still
Fixed in place and just a fragment of dream
I wish to stay in my glass castle in the void
My dream to live
The perfect blackness unknown and bare
Naked
Exposed as it's formless husk
They will never know who I am
My canvas is drawn into the dark
I can't keep it from leaving
Another dive into my event horizon
Another time **** you
We aren't finished perfecting you
One last time you dog
Into that breach one last time
Sep 4, 2018
Sep 4, 2018 at 1:10 AM UTC
emotional speaking,
you left me i hate you
i did everything for you
i'm making you happy
i'm not real
there not real get out of my head
she calls me names
why is there four of me
i have friends
you just cant see them
first they were a game
now your comfort
i failed
Analytically speaking,
i failed at helping you
and that is of no fault of mine
i have tried
and failed
breaking down speaking,
you dint want to be my friend
but the voices do
they shower me in ink
as if my own blood was pouring over me
black
oozing ink
mettalic
oh its wonderful
they wave
and smile
i can see them
but you cant
unfortunately
they can see you
what i want to say.
H
E
L
P
MMMMME
********* PLEASE
i'm begging you
she's begging you
were begging you
Aug 30, 2018
Aug 30, 2018 at 9:42 PM UTC
I am a bird caught in a tree.
This is where I'm meant to be,
but I feel lost,
and without meaning.
I am looking,
searching,
for something original within myself.
Instead, I find that,
I'm only copying someone else.
I don't want to be me.
I'd rather be a bird,
who doesn't have to worry,
about whether or not it will ever be free.
Free from it's own society.
Every time I look into the mirror,
I see a boy,
instead of a man.
Because what is a man,
if he is controlled,
by the beliefs and thoughts,
of someone all the way across the world?
Someone who is typing words into a keyboard.
Words that they think hold no meaning.
But instead,
they make my soul crumble,
into ash and dust.
I am a bird caught in a tree.
There is no where to go for me.
Constantly craving excitement,
but unable to leave my own home.
Will I ever be free?
From my own society?
Mar 8, 2018
Mar 8, 2018 at 9:09 PM UTC
I am afraid of letting go
And losing control
I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to
I am afraid of being
I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not
I am just me
Mikayla
I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,
And what do I have?
Just me.
Mikayla DeAnn.
If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable
Mikayla DeAnn Kay
I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”
Mikayla DeAnn
I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen
I want to become… no
I am
Mikayla
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 4:40 PM UTC
As a child my lips kissed
Every honeysuckle my arms could reach.
I believed,honestly and truly,
That if I ****** every sweet drop out
I’d find happiness hidden there.
Every bush was bare by the time I left,
I was still searching as I became a teenager,
I search now, not in plants,
In people. I believe I can find my happiness,
By pressing my lips against others,
Filling myself with their energy and filling my mouth
With sweetness are not so different.
I haven’t seen a honeysuckle bush in years,
But every now and again,
The familiar taste is on my tongue.
Aug 17, 2017
Aug 17, 2017 at 11:09 PM UTC
i wander in
art galleries
colourful theme parks
busy streets
dark alleys
looking for someone
i knew once before
and it was you
i have always looked
staring into the abyss
looking for you
maybe i am a soul
destined to be forever
separated from you
you may think
that i might be looking
for someone else
someone i met before
but no
that's not the case.
i stare into the arts
to find me.
i see their smiles
to remind me
of what i was before.
Apr 15, 2017
Apr 15, 2017 at 10:17 PM UTC
Please forgive me.
We both know, I'm the one that breaks.
While we both have demons,
Mine run deep.
I know you're trying to find yourself.
I'm sorry, that I'm not helping you.
But I see a garden growing in your mind.
Someday you'll wake up and realize that a boy like you is strong.
You are meant for many things.
But when the water of happiness pours over me.
I'm promised it will set me free.
But the water drowns me.
Emotion after emotions washes over me.
I'm told at age 8, "things will get better"
I'm told the same at 16.
Finally on my 18th, I'll tell myself maybe I'm not meant for this life.
I don't wish to be drowning in my emotions.
I don't wish for the life that has broken me 10x over.
I wish to be like you.
I wish to find myself, too.
But chains from my past old me down.
The hold me down and wrap around me, I'm surround by the sea.
I'm flooded and drowned with of a sea of emotions.
Is this what I've become?
A shell? A shell of who I used to be.
I'm watered down.
A watered down shell.
Mar 2, 2017
Mar 2, 2017 at 12:34 PM UTC
I suspected something was happening when you started to change.
You let me think I was crazy for being on the path of truth.
"Ignorance is your best friend, I guess."
"Forever and always", you told me.
How long did it take for you to realize that a river of lies was flowing from your lips?
We were two broken pieces of stone,
losing more of ourselves around each other.
Beating each other too death.
We kept on fighting, but held on to each other anyway.
Wearing thin,
the river of your lies, and betrayals completely crushed what we had.
We held on, but the river beats the rock eventually.
And now...I am merely dust.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 8:50 PM UTC
I think I'm the most upset because I've never not been in a relationship and I'm willingly walking away from this one and I feel like I'm going to be all alone. I feel like, if I'm by myself, no one will care about me or love me. Maybe I'm just in denial and insecure, but I've never actually taken the chance to find myself and that's all I think I've ever needed. I need approval from myself before I need it from any guy.
Apr 13, 2016
Apr 13, 2016 at 11:49 PM UTC
I lost myself once upon a time
in a place that was only whispered to me in dreams.
Where the fog is thick and threads through the seams
of street lights and street cars with *** fights and brillo bars.
I tell you I lost myself on the tongue of insanity
who swallowed my soul to feed its humanity.
I lost myself
in a city that found me;
San Francisco, 2013
Let me extend two points like two bridges
that begin in separate places but lead to the same thing.
I’m talking the people in both hands with countless art in between.
The people, the people, the people.
What can’t be said about the near million faces
sleeping on warm pillows or cold stones,
wearing top hats or traffic cones
because not every night are people thriving.
But they’re still surviving, getting busy living or getting busy dying.
In their eyes are stories being told
once you wipe those windows into their souls, deep.
You see it all,
Just like every star in the fall when the sun goes to sleep.
I gave a homeless man a dollar who gave it to another homeless man who then gave it back to me
Like we were passing a love note that said, “You need this more than me.”
So which of us was the one without the home?
Home I soon found in the art of every step taken,
one foot in front of the next.
I can’t walk through that city discounting the side effects.
I was drunk,
but not from bottles or cans
I was drunk from the hands
that told tales with graffiti art to camera pans.
and countless other melodies
massaging bricks into the landmarks that spanned.
Culture sprinkling up and down the hills and between the cracks
Painting colors in the sky as the rainbows stacked,
Finding pots of gold by merely lifting my eye lids back.
There is so much to say about this city in the bay,
that is held in place by the people of race
and the vessels of art that encompass in its space
like stories and attitude,
survival and gratitude,
muse and expression
in delight or depression.
I tell you I lost myself in that city.
But I know now that being lost is sometimes the only way to be truly found.
Dec 10, 2013
Dec 10, 2013 at 6:55 AM UTC
*Yes, tell me. What is worse:
The devil you don't know or the devil you do?*
Jan 28, 2016
Jan 28, 2016 at 9:30 PM UTC