At night
I can hear my heart beat
Over the white noise
It’s a beckoning
An invitation
And it scares me
It reminds me
That I’m alive
But not truly living
Sometimes
When I wake up at night
I walk to the bathroom
And think
This is it
This is what life is
This is what it looks like
It’s the kind of recognition
That vibrates throughout my
Entire body
The darkness
The quiet
The incredible alone
I wonder why in these
Little moments
At night
This realization hits
With such force
Little moments when I have
No control
Nothing to say
Nothing to lose
I wonder why
It’s so hard for
That realization
To strike
When I’m awake
Aware
And have a voice to share
I drown at night
To the sound of my own
Beating heart
And the expansiveness
Of my tiny existence
Afraid
That I’ll miss my chance
To feel this life
While I’m alive
Oct 10, 2018
Oct 10, 2018 at 7:25 AM UTC
I’m going to say it out loud
I’m going to speak the words
That will
Smear this
Illusion
And ****** me
Into
Inescapable
Suffering
I’m going to make you
Speak it out loud
Tell me
That it’s not love you feel
And I’m going to have to walk away
I’m going to say it out loud
I’m going to speak the words
So that I can
Save myself
From the torment
of wondering
Night
After
Night
Whether or not
With you
I am alone
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 7:58 AM UTC
“I signed the papers”
You said
And the next day
I finally
Missed you
Funny how that works
Oct 5, 2018
Oct 5, 2018 at 2:02 AM UTC
There is a line
Dividing myself from myself
I am two tormented bodies
Merged intricately into one skin
Trouble is looming
They want out and I am trying to mediate The conflict
They are tired and insecure
They want themself to themselves
And I want it all
I can see the marks on my skin
The stretching and the pulling
And the tearing apart
It cracks and flakes
And I watch me lose my faith
Fragment by fragment
There is a line
It can be felt but not seen
It is hard and bold
And obscured by fantasy
There is a line
That awaits
The tug of acceptance
Once the collision
At long last
Materializes
Into
Something real
Oct 5, 2018
Oct 5, 2018 at 1:58 AM UTC
I’ve been here
All night
I’ve been here
All day
The music screams
And the lovers around me
Smile
But I
I am alone
Moving my energy
Toward
Eliminating
The contempt that you poured
Into me
I’m going to backtrack
Again
Smile
Try to say the right words
So you won’t leave
Although I know
In the deepest part of
My heart
That it’s me
Who should be leaving
Why I can’t
Or won’t
Is still a shadowy question
I haven’t found
Courage
To answer
How I reduce myself
For your approval
How my self worth
Has been tangled up in
You
How I let go
Of a me
I thought I knew so well
I suppose it’s because
Without you
I’d be sitting here
Alone
All the lovers around me
Without hope
And hope
I now see
Is how I keep myself
From drowning
Oct 5, 2018
Oct 5, 2018 at 1:42 AM UTC
She works
She waits
She whines
Waiting for her life
To begin
She whispers
To herself
Wishing that the words
her heart
speaks
Would utter themselves aloud
Without wound
She climbs deeper inside of herself
Turning her heart inside out
Hoping to find
the answer
willing others to see her
Truth
And set her free
She treads
uneasily
Desperately
Seeking equally for the rawness
of the unknown
And the warmth of
What presents itself
Here and now
In a frozen state
She works
She waits
She whines
Waiting for her life
to begin
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 8:55 AM UTC
Was I numb then
Or is that what it felt like
To be alive
Is this daily routine
What my life is all about
Or was that instant
The true reveal
Was it a moment in time
A glimpse of an ideal
Or was it the truth
I've been seeking
All along
I expected pain and sadness
But I got peace
I spoke my truth
And it hurt everyone but myself
For no relevant reason
The man with the beautiful eyes whispered
It's an illusion
As we ate our cashews side by side
I wonder about that exchange
About illusion
A false sense of reality
A misunderstanding
A lie
How do I know
What truth is
If I can't trust myself
Was it a moment in time
A glimpse of an ideal
Or was it the truth I was seeking
I wrestle with those ice blue eyes
That spoke without hesitation
I have to wonder
Which illusion
I will ultimately choose
to believe
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 8:53 AM UTC
Why do I ache
For what crumbles
Why do I ache
For the
Rough
Touch
Of cement
Disintegrating beneath
Itself
It’s the story I long for
History
Life lived
Heart broken
New layers
New life
Where is the beauty
In my own
Destruction
Where is the
Rebuilding
The splash of color
Where is the
Texture
That brings me back
To myself
To life
Is it in your eyes
In your silence
Or is it in
The stirrings
And the rumbles
Of my gut
As I lie there
Breathing
I long for the
Movement
Of color and texture
Of aliveness
And a new coating
Against
The decaying
Walls of the
Me
I left behind
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 8:32 AM UTC
It was the burden
I couldn’t love
You held it
And I held you
It wasn’t your core
that I finally rejected
It was your
choice
not to let it go
To let me
drown in it’s weight
You aren't here
You keep saying
As if I had a choice
You let me carry
The universe
and viewed me with disgust
when I
forced the whisper
‘enough’
And then
let it all collapse
The shaming of the world
rasps
in my ear
and fingers wag
with
disapproval
You didn’t care enough
You let it drop
You were supposed to
crush
your
self
trying
Like any good woman
Would
Failure
Failure
Failure
You want me
to believe
Monster
Monster
Monster
And I repeat it
to myself
At the same time that I
lick the wounds
and inch my way
forward
It’s a withered self
that lives with me now
And all the weight
that’s left
is my own
But
I was always
strong
enough
to carry
that
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 2:53 AM UTC
Even as the words
Tumbled out
I knew I was lost
As if thoughts
Transformed into
Language
Transport me
Instantly
Into
The last forest
Of my childhood
I am on the brink
Waiting to crumble
Waiting for
The right spirit
To catch me
When I
Collapse
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 2:50 AM UTC