#bulimia
Fifty
One hundred
Two hundred
Purge
One hundred fifty
Three hundred
Starve
They go up
Exponentially adding weight
I don’t need it
I don’t need the food
I don’t need what will hurt me
Calories add up more and more
Maybe one day this will all not matter
But now
All I can do is count and count
Apr 14
Apr 14, 2026 at 2:34 PM UTC
I am full of the salt
I am full of the grease
I am full of the sugar that coats my teeth
Until I can’t taste the hunger anymore.
It is a heavy pressure
It is a dull ache
It is a slow fog
Moving from my stomach to my brain.
I ate because I was bored
I ate because I was lonely
I ate because I wanted to feel something
Other than the emptiness in the center of me.
My skin feels too tight
My clothes feel too small
My breath feels too short
I am full of the feast
I am full of the regret
I am full of the shame that comes after the first bite.
The plate is empty
The box is empty
The bag is empty
But I have never felt more crowded.
I am a body turned into a warehouse
I am a throat turned into a funnel
I am a heart turned into a stomach
I am stuffed until it hurts
I am stuffed until I’m numb
I am stuffed until I can’t move
I wanted to fill the hole in my soul
But I only succeeded in filling my skin.
Mar 16
Mar 16, 2026 at 11:44 PM UTC
i remember the first time i--
it was sixth grade
mashed potatoes and gravy with a chicken drumstick
breaded
i had chocolate milk too
it was the first time i had eaten at school that week
i ate and ate until i had
no food left on my tray
i felt disgusting
fat
i knew what i had to do
two fingers
inside the throat
gag, 1, 2, 3
gag, 1, 2, 3
food comes spilling out
its not enough
its never enough
its gross, i feel gross
its been five years and i still cant
swallow and keep it down
my heart is gonna give out one of these days
i dont want to die like that
im still too big
i still regret every meal i eat at school and stare down
the porcelain throne
and the scale
judgment day is daily
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 2:47 PM UTC
I sit here
bowl of cherries in front of my face
they haunt me
"you're so fat you really think you should eat that?"
"you need to go on a diet, like not eat at all..."
I'm sobbing
I'm starving they look so magical
I miss food as much as I hate to say it
so here I sit eating these cherries sobbing
I feel sick
it dosent sit quite right
but im scared
scared I'll never be able to eat them again if I don't eat them now
I finish the bowl
bite by bite
I feel disgusting
like really disgusting
I rush to the water
I never am good at drinking water unless this occurs
I drink a glass
maybe 2
maybe 3
then I rush into the bathroom
I lock the door
press my ear against the wall
hoping nobody's here
so here I am
home alone
alone in the bathroom
alone with my thoughts
I shove my fingers in my throat
and *****
and *****
and keep on vommiting
once I'm done I stop
I sob on the floor against the toilet
why did I eat that?
why did I throw up?
its so painful and heartbreaking
doing it every time the thoughts rush in after a meal
I should've just texted my friend
shouldve just told myself "its fine"
but I don't know anymore
should I get help or just
keep vomiting?
Jan 28
Jan 28, 2026 at 6:34 PM UTC
I drink a cup of water
after every meal,
run the tap till it’s clear.
Shove my fingers down
over and over.
I drink a cup of water after every meal.
There’s a moment
right before it’s clear,
where I think this might be enough,
where my stomach sounds like rain
and I can pretend it’s washing me clean.
The clean is just empty,
the clear is ***** in a way.
I drink cups of water
again and again.
Run my throat till it’s clear
until my insides look like glass
and I can see right through myself.
And as it laughs with derision,
I call it control.
Jan 28
Jan 28, 2026 at 3:55 AM UTC
Two fingers on my right hand
The hand I use to write
The fingers my friends hold
in their hands tight
With nails my mom paints
glittery and bright
These fingers know
where they end up at night.
Fingertips that have run
through boys’ soft hair
My fingertips that create
Sculptures made with care
Fingers that embrace
That scroll and type and
Clasp each other
Desperately in prayer
Are fingers that know
The depths of my throat
Fingers that scratch and gag
Are fingers that choke
Yet they know their place
At the end of the day
When all I want is to see
My day’s contents displayed
So these fingers that will take
Me through the years
Will be the fingers who ache
At the expense of my fear
Jan 14
Jan 14, 2026 at 11:35 PM UTC
Some days I feel invisible,
like no one will ever see me here
There’s a quiet ache beneath my ribs,
This weight I always fear.
My thoughts drift to a place dark and heavy,
pulling me far away from the feeling of ease,
I try to smile through trembling hands
and what feels like,
borrowed peace.
I wonder if I matter,
if anyone would ever know
how hard it is to hold myself
While feeling so low.
Apr 25, 2021
Apr 25, 2021 at 6:50 PM UTC
give us this day our daily bread
and lead us not into the toilet
for carbs are calories
and so is time
this is my body (said bread) broken for you
take, eat, and remember
i take, eat, and regurgitate
i purge your purging of my sins
for bread is not safe
but are you?
Sep 7, 2025
Sep 7, 2025 at 12:16 PM UTC
I dug a deep hole with no way out,
I lost control there is no doubt.
My mind is ruled by food,
I am not the same who I am being viewed.
I ate or I don’t fell well,
Those are lies I frequently tell.
Check for a toilet before I eat,
Without throwing up I won’t be complete.
No matter how much I eat it has to go,
That is the only way I know.
Dizzy and tired all the time,
But stopping now would be a crime.
Other have it worse I am just weak,
If tell anyone they will think I’m a freak.
Living with a secret isn’t fun,
But damage has already been done.
May 14, 2025
May 14, 2025 at 4:59 PM UTC
When I said
im not hungry
i meant
i dont deserve to eat
when i said
i already ate
i lied
when i said
i dont like that
i meant
i dont wannt get fat
when i said i dont feel well
i meant
i feel disgusting, guilty.
and when i said
everythings fine
i meant
i need help from myself.
Oct 16, 2025
Oct 16, 2025 at 11:29 AM UTC
i'm hurting less than you
look at your legs
see how white lines lace them
i'm hurting less than you
look at your body
see how you can feel your ribcage
I'm hurting less than you
look at your hair
see how it's dead and tangled
I'm hurting less than you
look at your face
see how there are tears waterfalling down
I'm hurting less than you
look at your reflection
see that you are talking to yourself
Nov 20, 2024
Nov 20, 2024 at 12:45 PM UTC
At the stove in the dark eating.
Then comes the purge;
That wrathful burning in the throat.
I can’t do this anymore.
At the stove in the dark starving.
We’ve been here before.
I despise this control,
But I love being in it.
At the stove in the dark bleeding.
Perhaps we’ve gone too far.
Three down, thirteen to go,
But everything is fading.
At the stove in the dark
I realize where I'm lying.
This frigid, old crystalline floor
Shining with foreign colors.
At the stove in the dark.
My own view of this place,
It's only a memory now,
And a story I dare not retell.
Mar 26, 2024
Mar 26, 2024 at 7:35 AM UTC
One word was enough for me to go down,
bring enough thoughts for me to drown.
One stupid word and habits change forever,
acting in a way I thought I would never.
No longer able to eat or drink,
making my stomach shrink.
Relationships with food became tough,
I’ve to lose weight otherwise I’m not enough.
Brain won’t allow me to keep down food,
fat is how I’m being viewed.
Counting calories wasn’t enough to be thin,
hopefully throwing up is the way to win.
Whatever goes down must go up,
lose more calories while you clean up.
One word was enough to bring me here,
to a place where food is my biggest fear.
The worst part is that I don’t want to change,
world without worrying of weight is strange.
Some day it won’t be about skinny anymore,
Throwing up food will become a chore.
Living off of water and air,
eating just to satisfy those who care.
What goes on afterward you can’t know,
there’s nothing that would show.
Oct 3, 2023
Oct 3, 2023 at 4:37 AM UTC
One word was enough for me to go down,
bring enough thoughts for me to drown.
One stupid word and habits change forever,
acting in a way I thought I would never.
No longer able to eat or drink,
making my stomach shrink.
Relationship with food became tough,
I’ve to lose weight otherwise I’m not enough.
Brain won’t allow me to keep down food,
fat is how I’m being viewed.
Counting calories wasn’t enough to be thin,
hopefully throwing up is the way to win.
Whatever goes down must go up,
lose more calories while you cleanup.
One word was enough to bring me here,
to a place where food is my biggest fear.
Worst part is that I don’t want to change,
world without worrying of weight is strange.
Some day it won’t be about skinny anymore,
Throwing up food we become a chore.
Living of of water and air,
eating just to satisfy those who care.
What goes on afterwards you can’t know,
there’s nothing that would show.
Oct 2, 2023
Oct 2, 2023 at 3:21 PM UTC
Eat as much as you can fit,
then throw up every last bit.
Be quiet so no one hears,
when you’re done wipe all your tears.
Just once more and I’ll stop,
avoid every single food shop.
Shove a toothbrush down your throat,
watch the previously eaten food float.
Thoughts of getting fat making you feel sick,
throw up what you ate you can’t get thick.
Aug 2, 2023
Aug 2, 2023 at 7:41 AM UTC
Write a lament on the fake bathroom tile,
where you waste your father's hard earned money.
As you throw it up in disgrace of your body
and throw your hunger right back in his face,
tell him he's not done enough for his family.
Watch where the truth gets you when you're not allowed to lie.
~ A.M, F.H.
Jan 25, 2023
Jan 25, 2023 at 5:16 PM UTC
Crafty, they say, He's getting crafty
crafty with my lies and my made-up meals
crafty with my sound-blocking tactics
crafty with hiding the burning lines of white and red.
Baking, they say, He's getting into baking
baking my binges
baking my restriction
baking my omad
baking my sad-looking low-cal low-fat low-sugar low-carb high-protein
'meal'.
Crochet, they say, He's getting into crochet
crocheting ankle warmers to make my legs look skinny
half-finger gloves in an attempt to curb the permafrost that has begun to
knit itself around my bones.
Healthy, they say, He's getting healthy
as i workout until i faint
and do sit-ups until i have bruises on my spine.
fruit and veg and vitamins take priority
and suddenly i have taken an interest in running.
Sep 18, 2022
Sep 18, 2022 at 12:40 PM UTC
Food. What is food?
Is it something everyone needs to survive? Is it the thing that takes forever to make and has even less time time to enjoy?
Is it the beautiful plants that grow in the right season that produces so much pride that they deserve an instagram post?
Or is the thing that many people will never have the money to see?
For me, it is the center of everyday. It is the one thing that I know dictates my entire life. It is the one thing I wish I could forget and the one thing I wish I could live without.
It is the thing that forces me to do math, and it is the thing that keeps me from knowing any sort of satisfaction.
It is the thing that makes me wish I were someone else, anyone else.
It is the thing that I spend hours thinking about, measuring, classifying, and the one thing that I can never seem to get correct. It is also the thing that makes me cry at night. It makes me feel alone.
It is the thing that causes me to spend every day working out even when I don't want to, and it has made me be friends with a scale that isn't very friendly.
It is a bully, a cruel "ex" friend that wishes I were never born and it is a fighter that knows how to pack a heavy punch.
For me, it has not been very kind. It has been the thing that controls who I am.
It is THE thing, and sadly, it is everything.
May 25, 2021
May 25, 2021 at 12:16 AM UTC
Words,
They could never hurt,
They could never cut,
They could never make you bleed,
Physically.
Words,
A manifestation of self-hate,
Written in bold,
Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression,
I was sold.
Words,
The last,
Written on a bloodstained note,
"I can't stay afloat"
Apr 23, 2021
Apr 23, 2021 at 10:30 AM UTC
My mom says,
"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"
Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.
I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "
I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."
I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.
I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.
I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.
I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.
Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.
"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"
Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.
I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.
I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.
Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.
Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.
I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.
I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.
I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...
Apr 9, 2021
Apr 9, 2021 at 5:29 PM UTC
take one more swip
one step closer
feel the pain on your stomach
you crawl
you crawl to the porcelain
white and shinny
not anymore
cause now
you're mistakes are gonne
you cry
cry cause you looked in the mirror
sweet disgrace
one step closer
one step closer to death
slowly your losing yourself
losing youself to you
Mar 22, 2021
Mar 22, 2021 at 10:42 AM UTC
The shame gets to me, creeping
guilt is killing me slowly, ever so slowly.
Bigger, bigger Purging the pain
Smaller, smaller, I'm going insane.
A ring is my net, Two fingers a gun,
Shoot me, I ask, Turning to dust.
Smaller to skinny, bones into nothing,
I beg you to save me, for death is
creeping slowly, ever so slowly,
toward me.
Feb 24, 2021
Feb 24, 2021 at 10:17 PM UTC
Ana,
I've known you for a while,
And at first I was afraid.
I didn't know what you'd do
Or whether you could help me.
Now I don't see why
Everyone I know is so
Pressed about me
Being friends with you...
I don't know why
they don't like you.
They try to keep me away
From you and your help.
You're a kind person,
And you've helped me.
You make me happy.
You fix my problems.
I hope you can explain
Why people don't like you.
Feb 9, 2021
Feb 9, 2021 at 1:50 PM UTC