i'm still terrified of
intamacy and ***
because i let him in
who's to say i won't be hurt again
who's to say i was wrong and i am not
beautiful
i am scared ill be bad?
that he wont like it
because i've never done anything before
not really
what if i shut down and panic
like the damaged goods i am
because i don't deserve love
a broken glass cant hold water
i can't sacrifice myself to please
i hate to disappoint
i don't think im capable of romance
and im terrified of ***
maybe if i get high enough
the **** will erase my inhibitions
and i'll open my mouth and my body
let him take control
even though he's not really my type
i don't get it
we're friends
why are all cis men such
knotheads
i don't want you to grind against my leg
like a dog in heat
i want to cuddle
i want to enjoy being humans in the same space
keep your hands out of my jeans and my shirt
i don't want to feel your ***** man
i know you can't control it but...
i am terrified of *** and i am even more scared
that i'll panic and ruin it for him
because if i am not worth anything sexually
what am i worth,
am i just a broken glass
why do you all want to **** me im tired of it
can we just be friends?
i want to **** too i get it
but im damaged goods, over medicated and traumatized
malformed straight out of the factory to boot
idk,
Apr 21
Apr 21, 2026 at 10:31 PM UTC
she said becoming
is about the journey
from who i was, nearly five years ago
to now, almost seventeen.
the journey had shaped me
i have grown into my awkward
limbs and bones
shaped like a sturdy tree
i ached to be a willow yet,
i grew outside of that notion and let myself flourish
becoming,
who cares
take up space
be who you want
who is stopping you
you are your own ******
dance on the street
sing outside
don't be ashamed because
shame is a tool of the system
why follow arbitrary rules
enjoy the grass and the sun and the silly movies
Apr 21
Apr 21, 2026 at 10:16 PM UTC
i am hungry
nauseous
i dont want to feel
i am empty inside
full of rot, full of food
i am hungry
i feel
i eat to numb
fill the heart and soul
with as much food as i can
it's never enough
i eat and eat and eat
as if i am empty
i am not human
i dont need food
i eat eat eat eat eat eat
i am hungry
because i dont want to
feel
all this emotion
because i am meant to be empty
clean pure
empty
binge eating to
fill the already full pit
of emotion
i am hungry
i already ate three times and it is not
yet even ten am
hungry
feed the beast
gain weight
food is fuel
i am an anomaly
i dont need fuel yet
i eat far too much
but i am too big
eat too much
i am hungry
i want to be numb
i cannot be numb
and empty
i eat eat eat
too much
numb my feelings with an entire
jar
of whatever i have
eat too much
feel to little
feel everything and
eat too little
as is right
Mar 18
Mar 18, 2026 at 11:41 AM UTC
cold
no wait
burning up inside
hallucinating things
was that real?
i'm wearing my hiking
boots; you see?
i am ready for the apocalypse
kids ibuprofen and a few loose pills
in my backpack
fully charged vape and a half blank
sketchbook
hole in my arm where the doctor
opened me up
giddy despite the down
sad music playing
i ache to be a man
to be fixed
Ira tempts me
let it burn
well i am burning
my fingers with
a lit cigarette
no--- wait
a metallic pink
vape, tastes like melon
i want to dance on the nebulae
breathing in the nothing of space
anchored to this fragile
human body
but i am not human
you see?
i am something else
subtly disowned by god
my back aches where wings
should be
my vision isn't quite right
not enough eyes i suppose
nearly lost my right one
at six years old
cause i was just tired
no not tired, suicidal
seeing the sun set and the moon rise
i wait for the world to end
i ache for a dystopia
where i can just be
biting and snarling
cause everyone carries a weapon
even me
a knife, a small kitchen knife
how will the world end?
i hope everything just ceases
to be...
unfinished
Mar 17
Mar 17, 2026 at 1:24 PM UTC
i'm a box blond
i bleached my hair
from a $13 box
i stole from cvs
they say
girls love discarded cigarettes
i mean im not a girl
i smoke discarded cigarettes
scars pattern my arms
box blond
i got told i give
white trash
trailer park vibes
the other day
i am *****
like them
street kids
****** prostitutes
that sounds more
like me
smoking cigarettes
i found at a bus stop
cutting myself with stolen razor blades
stolen bandages too
oversized hoodies
fighting with parents
half broken corded headphones
box blond
face piercings
self harm scars
fresh cuts
acne
smelling like an ashtray
Mar 10
Mar 10, 2026 at 10:56 AM UTC
I want to go home
i'm at school
then bus ride
to therapy
after i go to the hardware store
to replace
the old window latch
i dont want to go home
because my dad is there
my sisters are there
yelling/crying/screaming/fighting/tired
I want to go home
to the ***** alleys
and discarded cigarettes
music playing on cheap headphones
to the fantasy worlds
of fanfiction
or daydreaming
i dont want to go home
because
yelling/crying/screaming/fighting/tired
i have to be home by 6 pm
for dinner you see
because i have to be home for
family dinner
every night
I want to go home
to the ********** where
my friends are
drag queens and ******
****** teen girls and the
kids who vape in the school restrooms
exploring abandoned buildings
i dont want to go home
i want to go home
i want to leave this place
run far far away
steal my dads credit card
buy a greyhound ticket to new york
a plane to london
somewhere
far away
i have to get out
i want to go home
i dont want to go home
Mar 9
Mar 9, 2026 at 11:03 AM UTC
i smoke
in the school restrooms
waving away the smoke
pray that the fire alarms don't go off
drawing on the walls
alone
i wish my friends were here
they have class
i have homework
cause i didn't do anything yesterday
the burn of
smoke in my lungs
anxious about nothing
because admin doesn't know
not like they care
unless you're obvious
Mar 6
Mar 6, 2026 at 10:25 AM UTC
are you ******
not angry
drunk
because i had
two shots of *****
and a beer this morning
****** drunk?
because we're all angry
but we're not all drunk
i'll ask again
are you ******
cause share the *****
i'm too sober
to watch the news
the president... sigh
i'm ******
not angry
****** drunk and ****** enraged
Mar 5
Mar 5, 2026 at 11:53 AM UTC
i regret letting him
do that
my therapist says its not
my fault
but i let
the big bad wolf in
i didn't scream
i gripped his hair and
i reciprocated
because i was guilty
i was bad
i had to pay for the sins
i opened his skin
per his request
i was guilty
i had to suffer to atone
blood pays for blood
my therapist says it was ****
that he coerced me
i find it hard to believe her
because i didn't scream
i didn't fight
i let him in
Mar 4
Mar 4, 2026 at 11:13 AM UTC
I HAD A FEW DRINKS!
But im not drunk.
I haven't drank in awhile ,I cant remember how long its been.
But I want to ask you do you hate me? Are you capable of hating me?
The person I am, the one I will become?
I dont know if im still in love with you or I just miss someone who knows my inner self...
im growing without you...
I wish you were here...
but im numb,
I dont feel grief,
I dont feel sad.
Is this my new normal?
I've felt like this for what feels like eternity
Maybe its a sign that I dont need to bleed to know it mattered anymore.
When I drift off know my thoughts will be of you during this season.
An especially tonight.
What i can recall
A soft smile
Frizzy red hair,
A gentle squeeze of the hand.
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 3:41 PM UTC