#anxietydisorder
fear
panic
danger
get out.
heart racing,
can't catch my breath,
hand rubbing against my thigh repeatedly,
pulling my knees up to my chest and holding my body so tight, it hurts,
i can't think logically, only fear and loss of control ensues.
my own thoughts tear me apart and scare me.
the only real danger is in my thoughts,
so how do i get out?
Feb 27, 2021
Feb 27, 2021 at 9:31 PM UTC
Confess, I have to confess.
Who's on the other side of my confessional?
I've thought wrong, I could've thought another, why can't I control what I think?
Confess it, lay your sin.
If I confess my thought, I fear it'll make it real. It's harmless in my head, it's abstract.
But is it?
Look at who you've hurt, the person you love. But never you, why would you care about you?
You should be perfect. Be your best self.
When my best self is deconstructed, all I am is fear.
So confess it, lay your burdens on another.
Be selfish, lay your irrationality for someone else to detangle.
Your strength is fragile, trust me.
I know you,
I know all of you, your deepest fear, your subconscious.
Trust me, you're all that I am.
So confess, give in.
I'm your religion, I'm your truth.
The truth is,
you're not worth love.
Jul 21, 2020
Jul 21, 2020 at 6:11 AM UTC
Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
My nerves have failed me yet again.
Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
My senses are overwhelmed again.
Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
My body can’t handle what it’s taking
Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
My diaphragm is twisting and turning.
I’m scared.
Nov 29, 2019
Nov 29, 2019 at 10:02 AM UTC
It’s always a battle with you
I try to stand up, and you’re always there to kick me down again
You beat me down and I just lie there and take it
A right swing to my body image, an uppercut to my confidence
I’m never allowed to be happy
And God forbid I feel beautiful for once
You make me out to be this obnoxious person that nobody can stand
But I don’t see you with any friends, and no one’s coming to your defense
You tell me that I annoy all my friends and they’ll all betray me
Yet you never fail to be first in line for taking a swing at me
Always whispering in my ear and telling me that nobody has ever really liked me
But you have always been the first to bash me for being who I am
Maybe I’m really not all that bad
Maybe I’m really ******* fantastic
And maybe you’re just scared that I’ll figure it out and you’ll be forgotten
Because you’re nothing but an irrelevant voice constantly fighting to keep itself heard
You are the voice of my anxiety
You exist because I do
And without me, you are nothing
But without you, I can be happy
I am all you have
I give your voice life and I give it meaning
You are nothing but what I allow you to be
You say I’m nothing, but you are nothing without me
Jun 8, 2019
Jun 8, 2019 at 3:45 PM UTC
Pressure around my lungs cutting off the air
Agitation and alarm shooting through my veins
Negativity surrounds my thought in a haze
Inkblots in my vision from asphyxiation
Crushed with the heavy weight of it
Jan 23, 2019
Jan 23, 2019 at 3:22 PM UTC
My addiction likes to play games with me
I try to hide, but it seeks me
On every occasion, or party
I want to just stay home-
***** it out with a pillow
Till it stops breathing
As I watch too much TV,
Count the drinks on the screen
Like counting sheep
3 pints of *****
2 beers
1 shot of whiskey
I feel myself changing
Between shifts, with no breaks in between
Some work overtime, I hear my addiction breathing-
3 PINTS OF *****
2 BEERS
1 SHOT OF WHISKEY
I would tell you all about it
But it’s a long story,
All guts and no glory
I can only talk about it when I’m drunk
On too early of a morning
Or when my eyes are stuck
On a ceiling fan, when I spin with the room
Words are fluid- like, they used to be
Now my lips are a broken cocoon
The words die behind a prison of teeth
Just old ideas, dead memories
That no one needs to hear or see
Sorry I won’t be seeing you at any parties
Sorry I won’t spill my guts for free
Or wait for you to wave to me
Hit me with the “how are you doing?”
Its not that I want to hide from you,
But my anxiety is looking for bullet wounds
Addiction hides in the skin
Of the people across the room
They have been shooting looks at me,
Every eye blinking my direction is lightning
Its striking me; how frightening
How fragile I can be, I’m sorry
Maybe that’s why
I plug myself into a wall
I stitch my mouth shut
And scream through the keyboard
Because I don’t want you to stop reading,
Or stop listening,
Just because
You don’t see me
At parties
Nov 20, 2018
Nov 20, 2018 at 7:23 PM UTC
When you have your heartbroken for the first time,
It feels your world lost one of its many wonders
And you wonder how its going to spin
When you have been completely thrown off your axis
When he leaves you in the middle of the journey
And takes the map, too
But don't worry you will get there
Just not anytime soon
You'll float around like a hot air balloon
Full of hot air, not knowing what to do
Its okay if you do
Its okay if you do
I would be lying if I told you
That the rest of your travels would be clear,
Because, my dear, if it was love
It doesn't disappear, for love isn't a feeling
Its an atmosphere, and some clouds will move with you
One road to the next, and sometimes you will take
A huge breath and miss him all over again
When it rains it pours; and it will pour on you
You will stop in your tracks and forget where you're going
Its okay if you do
Its okay if you do
Please, don't forget to fall in love again,
Keep your arm extended and your eyes open
Just because your heart is broken,
Doesn't make it dead; it'll be resurrected
With every grain of sand in the hour glass
Don't be defined by what you once thought to be true
That you will never fall in love with another
Its okay if you do
Its okay if you do
I cannot lie and say you wont still cry some nights
Though it can subside for years at a time
Some songs will hit you in the wrong spot
Or on the wrong night, and you'll forget
You cant call or write him anymore,
Sometimes your heart with empathize with thunderstorms
When it rains it pours; and it will pour on you
You can miss someone forever
Not everyone will understand, so I will tell you
Its okay if you do
Its okay if you do
Nov 19, 2018
Nov 19, 2018 at 7:12 PM UTC
I have dyed my hair a lot of colors-
It has been red with anger,
A statement of rage; symbol of fire,
I spent my days with my head in the sink
Putting out my hot-headed thinking
Choking on red water
And my own way of breathing,
When I was tugged on like a false alarm
Meaningless, and loud
A vibrant call for help
And I wore it proud
It has been blue with calm dignity,
When the days were easier,
When happiness was free
I remember how quickly the blue bled to green
That was okay with me,
I loved music and breathing,
And drinking beers on city streets
I was colorful graffiti
It was more of a fleeting feeling
Of matching the sky and the sea
Back when I wanted the world
To look at me
It has been violet in the violent hours,
I remember magenta showers
And tear stained smoke breaks
When the city never slept, always awake
Humming with the traffic on the freeway
In a car with friends and a future before us
Though my skin was a tight blanket-
I felt a smile beneath a purple forest
Where happiness tugged on my cheeks
And I wanted to believe in everything
Everyone believed in me, too
It has been black on the silent days
Somewhere between indecision
And bad taste; a dark fate
Suffocating beneath a blank sheet
While I was recollecting
The lost and bleak pieces of me
That were almost swallowing me whole
I almost fell into the black hole
I painted myself as
It is much too dark now,
For the colors I so loved
They won’t be coming back
But lately, I returned to my natural state
To see how the brown curls will fall
Like branches on my growing shoulders,
Going back to my roots,
No more drowning myself in bathroom sinks
Looking for myself at the bottom
In colors that could not define me
I am sorry to myself for hiding
Who I am supposed to be
All those colors will always exist
In some place inside of me
But I wonder what my new colors
Will be
Nov 12, 2018
Nov 12, 2018 at 5:01 AM UTC
I never wanted to worry,
But worry wanted me
They are in a constant hurry
Driving;
and I am in the front seat
This outta drive me off a cliff
Convinced,
I can't take much of this
But every time, I end up on the side
Of the road
They ask me if I need a lift
**** it
I let them take the wheel
And my identity
They make a home because
They throw loud parties in my lungs
Pour alcohol into my throat
Until my stomach takes a plunge
And my anxiety leaves me
On the road in an empty car
Too many toxins in my belly
Not enough mileage to go far
And all of a sudden I am
without fear
But for some reason
I need them here
I can get better but
All I can see is their faces
I am myself because
They drove me to all these places
I am face to face with my fears,
And all the bottles,
and that wretched smell of beer
That help me understand
And know
My anxieties command and so,
I brush them with my hand
Like they are a masterpiece
A beautiful show
A masterful piece
For everyone to see
My colorful anxieties
A masterpiece indeed
A masterpiece
Of me
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 4:58 PM UTC
I try to loosen up the knots in my stomach
But I get caught in all the loose ends
Push it down so far, till it plummets
And here I am, tied up in it, again..
My brain is drawing conclusions
With a sharp pen, so permanent
My heart and brain dueling confusion
A very twisted one sided tournament
But I will never win against my brain
my poker face is too nervous
It calls me out, points at my doubts
and lays my cards upon the surface
So I say "hit me" and it does
It hits every corner of my guts
Takes my chips, and my luck
I should have known they'd catch the bluff
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 4:55 PM UTC
I can hear myself asking, panicked and shaky
“Why is the room so small? Why is it so small?”
The room I’ve slept in for four hundred nights
Feels so unfamiliar, as if I’m seeing it through a new lens
Shit-tinted speactacles
I rock my body back and forth, hush my thoughts
And tell myself “it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay”
But I hear nothing but protests
An iniside rally, telling me that the world is ending
“Your friends are leaving”
“Your parents hate you”
”You are a failure”
But I keep screaming “it’s okay”
Hoping that soon
It will be.
Oct 23, 2018
Oct 23, 2018 at 6:10 PM UTC
It was 9 pm, and the air was cool as steel.
I breathed in and out, just calming my thoughts,
But a sudden surge of thunder shook
My body like the end of the world,
It shattered my whole soul.
I breathed in and out,
Breathed in and out.
The thunder lasted for almost an hour
But when it stopped,
I just waited another day
For it to reappear
Again.
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 7:02 AM UTC
I suffer from generalized anxiety
and I just want people to understand it
but mental illnes is frowned upon by society
Some days I'm fine but I must admit
I'm always just teetering at the edge of sobrietry
I know it's never going to go away
But I can try my best to forget the pain
Always trying to keep it at bay
But always in vain
walking around in a circle
trying to learn from my mistakes
at the pace of a turtle
at night my thougts still keep me awake
I'm really not depressed
but I'm not happy either
I have this anxiety pressing at my chest
And sometimes i just need a breather
I'm constantly told to get it together
to pick up some courage and do things
But that's like telling someone not to be cold in freezing weather
And more anxiety is all that it brings
Jul 16, 2018
Jul 16, 2018 at 5:08 PM UTC
she has six hands and they are all holding me,
i am being strangled.
my lungs are bent, gasping,
she whispers in my ear:
“the crash is coming. no air can save you.”
she has eight eyes and they are never blinking,
tarantula hairs.
my blood is running a marathon, running,
i beg her to run away
but she lives where i live. i am not willing to die just to silence her.
she leads me to the rooftop,
tells me to put the dirt on.
my lungs’ scream is an axe, hacking,
all the walls are closing
she holds a vacuum to my lips.
she crouches beside me,
i hear her hissing mutters.
she is like a tsunami, everything,
she wears a crumbling rooftop like it is a crown
she sits on my head and holds my throat.
she tempts me to the edge of the highway,
everyone blurs together.
my head is like a broken hourglass, spilling everywhere,
brains look the same until they hit the windshield
my splatter, but she is not silenced.
Mar 17, 2017
Mar 17, 2017 at 9:39 PM UTC
There has to be a reason.
There has to be a reason for all this suffering,
All this pain.
What is it all for?
I hope.
I hope to turn my heartache into art.
I could.
I could help someone, anyone,
with my story.
I need.
I need to turn this around
To make it worth it.
Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure....
It never.
It never ends.
Why?
What for?
There has to be a reason.
I hope--
I could--
I need.
Jul 21, 2016
Jul 21, 2016 at 2:13 AM UTC