Day one: thumping music, laughter, you, your warm chest, your arms, heat, dancing. My head in a trashcan. Waking up on the bathroom floor. But, you. Your scent. This night won’t end.
Day two: ***** in a glass, a putrid stench of memories and good times going rancid. Tears. Panic. Shut curtains. A whirlwind in my stomach. Endless. Today is endless.
Day four: more tears. Still empty bottles on the floor. Still the lingering scent of “too much”, of “too far”. Yet, somehow, not enough. Never enough.
Day six: normalcy. You. Your presence. Us, together, our mutual understanding - like two ants fighting a stallion. But we do it together. We create memories like cotton candy and feathers.
Day seven: Saturday, hot dogs, movies, warm air, heat, driving with open windows. No dread. I remember what it’s like to lie on the floor with the thumping music in my ears and feel it hit me. The acidity. The liquid solution to cutting all ties with fear. Worry. Future. But soon, there will be a day eight. And the acidity will have burned a hole in my stomach.
May 2, 2020
May 2, 2020 at 8:58 PM UTC
I feel so small
Like a ladybug on the wing of an airplane
I feel so unimportant
No more significant than a grain of salt in the red sea
And I understand why you don’t love me
I wouldn’t love me either
I wouldn’t love me if my life depended on it
Sometimes it does
And for your sake
It’s better that it does
It’s better that it will.
Apr 4, 2020
Apr 4, 2020 at 7:26 PM UTC
Does it even matter if I find someone else?
It’s never going to be him
Him and I are never going to be us
So how could I ever trust
That another ‘him’
Is going to fit me well enough
To create
An ‘us’
If even you and I
Couldn’t make the cut
Mar 16, 2020
Mar 16, 2020 at 10:07 PM UTC
I am not a good person
I don’t want to be me
So much that I wish I could crawl out of my skin
I wish I could escape the metastatic self-pity
The black goo that has etched itself stuck to my skull
I’m not this person
No, I’m not bad
I only want the best for everyone
Everyone for whom I do nothing
Unless that everyone is me
“I have to do it for myself”, I say
As I dig my fingers inches deep in your pain
Scooping out every bit that would derail it
And feeding it to you like it’s cake
No, I’m not bad
I wish harm upon nobody
Apart from that man who looked at you earlier
And that girl that you hung out with, once
That’s not a bad person, is it?
No, I’ve never laid hand on anybody
I’ve spent days wishing you’d never met someone
Hours crying, because I hate myself for it
Minutes telling myself I’m insane
Seconds accepting it
And I feel the tears bubble up when I talk to you
Because this is excruciating to me
It’s horrible and heartbreaking for me
Oh, how painful and dark it is for me
But
What about you?
A cluttered mind goes silent
What about you?
I don’t know
I don’t know how you feel
If you’re sad
If you’re angry
Because I never stopped and thought to ask
It never crossed my sick mind that you could be sadder than I am
And that’s what makes a bad person, isn’t it?
Not thinking about how you’re feeling
Not asking you if it’s hard for you, too
I’ve never laid hand on anybody
But I am not a good person.
I am not a good person today.
Jan 16, 2020
Jan 16, 2020 at 8:28 PM UTC
I need someone else to replace you
Just so I know that I can
Someone else to hold me, to touch me
Or for you to become another man
I need someone to love me, I’ll try to love him too
All I need is to know that I can love someone
Someone that isn’t you.
Nov 30, 2019
Nov 30, 2019 at 4:43 PM UTC
Sometimes, it really feels like I’m going under
Like the last part of me that was still whole
The final, tiny particle that survived the emotional purge that was falling in love with you
Would start to crackle, bit by bit
And every small piece would echo through my body
As they fell down to the pit of my stomach
And set in stone that from that day on, that I would never be whole again
And I thought, maybe one day, I would love again
But it would never be the same
I could still feel the pieces at the bottom of my stomach whenever I moved
Hear them clink together and rustle every time I bent over to kiss him
The New One
The replacement
The one that reminded me of you when he laughed
Not because it sounded like you
But because it made me miss your laugh endlessly more
The one who could never be enough
The one who would eventually be known as
“He who proved I could only love you”
Because that is all anyone would ever be
Proof that those pieces would never dissolve
Never stop making sound
Never stop making themselves known when I stretch out and reach for a bottle of new love
Another love
Which I am not sure even is that
Because if there is anything you taught me
It is that it’s very hard to fall in love
With a heart that lies crackled
In the pit of your stomach.
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019 at 8:31 PM UTC
I wonder
If someday
I’ll be able to close my eyes again
Without seeing you with him
Without visualizing all the details
I wonder
If someday
I can look at you, laughing
Without feeling that sting in me
The sting that means
That I won’t grow old with that laugh
That I can’t simply grab you
And kiss you
Because your little dimples are so cute
Because your sharp corner teeth are weirdly attractive
Because your heart speaks to mine
Only mine doesn’t speak to yours
And that makes my stomach feel like a fighting ring
Because I don’t know if I can ever
Not love you
Not long after you
Not feel like a stranded **** island
When I close my eyes
And see only you
With him.
Nov 23, 2019
Nov 23, 2019 at 8:53 PM UTC
I search for the last inch of your blanket that isn’t tarnished with my smell
The last part of my shirt that has your scent
The last moment, of us - together, that isn’t cluttered with my guilt
The last of the last, the last of you without my prints
And I beg to let me hold you, I beg to feel your skin
I beg for your forgiveness, and all the nuances within
I beg for you to want me there, I beg for you to stay
But most of all, I beg for you to love me
Before I start to fray.
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 7:28 PM UTC
At night, I get scared
The fairy lights on my walls turn dark
Leaving only a gloomy haze behind
Darkness, yes, that’s what it is
At night, I get lost
Nausea dripping down my cheeks
The trembling of my face
Fear in new ways
And the total distortion of my vision
Makes me wonder, makes me ponder
Makes me wish I had a shell
A shell to hold me down, don’t want to fall
Don’t want to call
Upon your name
But arms over legs - I fall, after all
Not to a bottom, not quite there
Although not quite here
Not sure where
But it is night
And now I’m scared.
Jul 13, 2019
Jul 13, 2019 at 6:04 PM UTC
Beautiful garden
Don’t ever change
Water your flowers
And don’t rearrange
Keep your distance
From flowers and fury
From roses and sadness
Sunflowers and grief towers
Don’t stop to smell them
Lie down and dwell
Lie down, cherry plum
Lie down, cherry plum.
Cherry plum sweet as whiskey
Whiskey cold as fire
That’s you, cherry plum sweetheart
That’s you, cherry plum love.
Jun 23, 2019
Jun 23, 2019 at 8:24 AM UTC