I lay in bed at night rehearsing all my moves,
I have nothing left to lose,
And everything to prove.
My mind is on and I can't shut it off,
I feel a bit crazy, a little distraught.
I'm not sure that I can trust how I feel after all,
I seem to constantly build myself up just to watch myself fall.
As sick and twisted as that may sound,
I rather enjoy my spirits lying upon the ground.
Because if I'm not happy there's no guilt to face.
Because.if you hadnt realized yet I'm very fond of this place.
I can hide in the shadow of who I use to be,
and everyone I use to know will look right past the new me.
Because that's what I want and that's what I need,
While I complete the search for all the pieces of me.

I often over analyze everything you say.
Your words, your actions,
are in my mind dis-conveyed.
I'm not sure if I have a grasp on what your intentions really are.
Whether they be good or bad we've made it this far.

And that's a good thing right?
That I believe the things you tell me.
And that's a good thing right?
That I feel your actions are true.

I'm scared that I'll be lost without you,
And  I worry you'll be too.
But I can't fake this anymore,
I'm done being so insignificant.

I'm not going to be a forgotten call,
I laugh with them all and you fall.
I'm not going to be your late night score.

I'm not going to be your little love *****.

I can't help but question and ask what if.. I can't help it when I cry because it is you I miss.
I can't help the times you pop into my head, the nights I dream of you when I am in his bed.

Our love is disgusting, manipulative, and painful.
The things we have done to each other is down right shameful.

So why do I harp on you and that trauma we cause one another?
Why do I still feel like we just need each other?

I crave the torment, the insecurity and fights.
I crave them as much as I crave the peaceful nights.

I miss all the smiles, tears, and scars we've exchanged.
I miss loving someone else who was just as deranged.

Your beauty radiates across the whole room,
I will love you,
I will love you soon.
Just let the idea of us sink in,
And I will love you then.
I smile when I look down and see the bird on my ankle,
It reminds me of the reasons I have to be thankful.
You are reason one,
Helping me love who I become.
Just let the idea of us sink in,
And,
I will love you then.

One text and I'm done for,
I don't need a call.
One kiss and I'm done for,
You can have it all.
I just want to please you baby,
and be all that you'll ever need.
I just want to love you baby,
and be what sets you free.
Can I stay the night and,
hold you while you sleep?
Can we stay up late,
entangled in your sheets?
One text and I'm done for,
I don't need a call.
One kiss and I'm done for,
You can have it all.

I won't let you use me anymore.
I won't lie awake feeling like a cheap *****.
Three ******* years I've wasted on you,
Three ******* years that I spent loving you,
But it doesn't matter, It didn't matter, and it surely won't ever,
I hate you, I hate you, now isn't that clever?

I suffocate when I'm without you,
and I drown in your presence.
I can smell you, I can taste you,
I can feel your essence.

Self Sabotage,
That's about where I am at.
I say the same thing every time- One step forward, ten steps back.
And for me, this is true.
but why is that?
Why you ask?
because I make it this way.
I twist these words, and actions, and thoughts.
Yours, mine, his, and hers.
Just to make things worse.
I cry and scream,
and throw your things.
because secretly I love to be hated.
i love the way it feels when I hurt.
then I know what I am really worth.
When I bring myself down, I use you all.
Then I can blame someone else as I spiral and fall-
The sad thing is I know I'm a mess,
I know I ruin things, I know I'm depressed.
but here I am spewing out my keyboard for attention.
When I could be bettering myself, and gaining traction.
Toward happiness.
Because that's where we all strive to be.
But We All, Nope that doesn't include me.

: I think that growing up is meant to be scary. It is reflecting on your mistakes, successes, and loses and somehow making sense of it all. It is deciding who you want to be, where you want to go, and who you are taking with you on your path. Growing up is meant to be scary, because we need the fear of life instilled in us. We need to see that life isn't always fun and it isn't always fair but that's life. I think growing up is meant to be scary because we need to be scared sometimes in order to realize that we are also independent and strong, all on our own. I think growing up is meant to be scary because it is facing the unknown and hoping for the best but also knowing you may not get it.. But growing up is also beautiful, so much so that your fears will often times diminish.. because growing up is the freedom to be able to make life your own, to discover new things and new people, and most importantly growing up is being able to decide where you go from here.

And If I could tell you how I really felt,
without myself standing in the way.
I would tell you how sorry I am for causing you so much pain.

Sometimes I forget to love myself,
and then you forget to love me as well.
Sometimes I forget to be happy it's true,
but I turn around and push the blame on you.

Because you forgot to love me,
But then again I did too.

Sometimes I stay up and wonder,
Why I didn't share a friendly reminder.
When we stopped remembering to love ourselves and finally each other.

I'm sick and tired of being
Sick and tired.
I can't handle all this pain.
I gave it all up for you,
But I gave it up in vain.

I think I need to find a way,
To accept the things I cannot change.
I think I need to find a way,
To love myself again.
Here we go again,
It's four a.m.
I'm up and I'm alone.
Laying here in the bed we use to own.
I don't need you anymore.
And I don't need to settle any scores.
I just wish all this stuff didn't linger with you,
I wish I didn't remember the good things you would do.
I think I need to find a way to forget and let go,
I think I need a fresh start,
Somewhere new to go.

With our feet on the edge let's make our last jump. With our hearts in the air, they'll finally touch. Feel the rush of your love as the universe absorbs us. Grasping at thought of our dreams. All my memories scream begging me to fall into you and let you fall into me.

I know I love you because i cry when you are gone,
You build me up, and make me feel strong.
I know I love you,
But I'm a little confused,
Because when I love I am use to the pain too.

I know I love you because you make me weak in the knees,
Not because you forced me,
but because you said please.
I know I love you because you help me succeed,
But it feels kind of strange knowing I am free.