And this is why I drink
For times when I don't want to think
About those pretty boys
With their ******* ploys
or the bills and debt sorta things
the fact that these burns still sting
I binge to Smile
Once inna while
Poison the pain
or just go insane

Numb dazed
Unfazed
Brains crazed
Broke down
I found
Too many things, Too many things
This instability my life brings
Take a shot
Why not
Already broken
No words spoken
Silence and cleaning
I should be dreaming
Kitchens done
Was close to fun
But I don't feel
Can't be real
Its 1 in the morning tomorrow
So blank I don't feel sorrow
Just empty and dead
The cats should be fed
Or maybe I should go to bed
Just wanna clean it all
Tables, floors, walls
Scrub until I fall
Fast fast asleep
But I tire of counting sheep
and the hours I seem to Keep
should really go to sleep...

dont feel right...
my own music is attacking me. feel so empty. the words in my head start to rhyme. so i know i need to write.. just dont know what.

will you save me? take me? make me yours?
ocean blue
words so true why do you hide?

..
...
....
songs play
all day taunting me.
speakers off
still so soft
the lyrics sing
and thoughts they bring....

not the boy i want to remember... get out of my head!!!

(laughing) singing~
ocean blue~
just not you~

....
**do we ever really know them?..
do they ever really understand?..

how do you tell who is real and who is imagined? when the masks are seamless and no color seeps through?
whos lying now?
words were twisted

seamlessly .. seamlessly.. seamlessly!
so fake
how well you know your lines , how well you know your part.

all the blocking forever memorised. the scenes you know by heart. everything is perfect, until the characters change. improv was never your strong suit. thats what the other actors were for...

a castle by the sea. what story needs a knight when it has a prince? her title even stays the same ... the dialogue changes as the prince is real and the knight was wrong..
fairy tales.. how will the new version end??...

or will we change the characters again? these actors don't know their lines. the blockings all wrong. look at the scripts they carry. this preformance is no where near ready. It's barely been written!!
we need a play to preform!
how will we build the set if the script keeps changing?
....
tragic flaws..
so the princess dies...
so not cool
we wanted a comedy
not a drama

....
this is a mess and we need to preform...

someone find a new director!!!

Just shoot me
**** reality
I dont want to be
This catastrophe
Anymore
I abhor
Where I'm at and what I do
Sad to say the words are true
But I don't know what I thought I knew
Just wish these games were through

That escapist part
deep in my heart
Is clawing up my inside
I've nowhere left to hide
Intoxicate
to alleviate
Over and over again
Yet I never seem to win
Stress seeped too deep In
Ripping up my skin
Drowning within ...

It likes to break in
Exude it's sin
Parasitic thoughts
And back up plots
I try to be good
Do what i should
But its dancing around me
**** its not easy
Impulses' a *****
******* crazy little twitch
Lock it away
Say i wont play
Darkened and cold
No one to be told
Of this icy cage
Lit up by rage
Electrified
Wish i could hide
But there's no escape i see
When the monster is me

My mind is filled with screaming thoughts, all swirling in a torrent of relentless negative ideas, that wish to fill me with the panic i've come to know on a more than intamate level.
I've started to realise they're muffuled.. as though i'm unconciously smothering these intruders, tresspassing of course being an extremely high offense in this world i don't quite remember creating.
Just sitting here listening through the fog as they try to rant at me all of the quaint little pessimisms they can think of, their voices growing quiet as i slowly steal their oxygen. What a murderer i've become, pressing upon the windpipes of my anxiety , so emotionless and uncaring, as if such a violent act were nothing out of the ordinary in here.
i know what you all must be thinking, because of course some of the voices are having the same ideas.. "She's snapped!" well perhaps i have, i'm not entirely sure about anything at the moment, but if i'm essicently killing a type of pain, then doesn't that make me benevolent rather than malevolent? fixing by destroying the main alements.
Shouldn't that mean i'm healing rather than breaking?

.

temptation calls
disappear into it's arms
shadows fold around
melt into his warm soft skin
playing with dark fantasy

My little fox
Who often trots
To hellish land
Where time is bland
I wish to steal
To worlds unreal.
**** above.
I'll be your dove .
Fly away
To other days.
Why be real??,,

You are the light house
I am the sea
When I drift away from you
You shine your light for me.

your teeth on my skin
my mind just caves in
teasing me
constantly
I want you now
don't care how
I've come to find
you dance in my mind
all night,  all day
the lil things you say
orange and blue
I love what you do.
this and that
artsy cat
you breathe that music
and I almost just lose it.
I like the games you play
but never know what to say

Reality
The death of me
Don't know why you couldn't see
Its everything that makes me crazy
In my mind so dark and hazy

Overfill that void
Makes me ******* paranoid
Dark timesp
Build rhymes
Drink and smoke and **** it all away
I don't even know what to say
Black out shades over my eyes
Cute words and smiles are almost lies
Escapist bebe straight to heart
Form this land I wish to depart
But how can.you ever be free
When your minds as deep as the sea

Crack and crumble
Snap and break
Slip and fumble
Twitch and shake
Hide it all
Until the fall
Overflow, bust and seep
Stitches snap and eyes that weep
Unravel, unwind, melt through the floor
Exposed and fragile, I can't take much more.

Sneaks up all quiet
Ambush then riot
Dizzy spin
Fire within
***** and tears
Unanswered fears
Laugh or cry
Try to defy
Numbed to the core
I can't feel anymore

The Creator of
Edible love
Sent from above

Its the candy I love to make
Muffins,  truffles,  and cake
For the art is why I bake

Don't even try to lie
The sweets you can't defy
Espresso Brownies, pumpkin pie

With all certainty
I am so glad to be
A maker of pastry

Thats not me
And I can't be
A zombie sheep
That does not peep

My self destructive habits, have returned to me again.
This battle for my sanity, we will try to win.
We do so well until, fatal wounds arise.
Must be tended to by who, which of my allies?.

I've become poison and my drug quit working
the monsters in the dark, at the edges they're lurking
Need an new silver letter to get hooked on,
Stronger than Z, that brings the light of dawn
But those ****** monsters never go away
they still haunt me in the bright of day
Play with my thoughts, talk in my head.
You'll never let go, not even if dead.
So I've taken to the smoke and the stars
to make the thoughts stop, and numb all the scars
Lost away in my land so low
what will become of all this i don't even know.

Its like you grow up and move away
To play that game you're supposed to play
But no ones there when you're feeling blue
Alone in your new town, no one to talk to
So you turn to these cute things
Sweet boys with pretend angel wings
Who twirl up your heart strings like loose thread
Twist until they snap,  bleed out, left for dead
Now you're back where you started, a little worse for ware
Lost and spinning,  better pick YourSelf up, life isn't fair
This adult badge is one stained by sorrow
Gotta prove to the world you can make it to tomorrow

simply put simply said
I really should be in bed
but your on my mind
this state I find
when I eat those pills
feel those feels
and lose the words when sleep comes
melatonin tweaks but numbs.

does it hurt when i see through you?
like my eyes are ripping away the tissue?
can you feel the lies falling?
when i know that your just stalling.
searching for a way to hide.
save your remaining pride.

your lies play in false tones.
wrapped tightly around your bones.
it seems they support you now
it makes me wonder how
you ended up this way
in a constant state of decay
rotting away on the inside
where all your ***** secrets hide.

does it hurt when
theres no way to defend
from the layers ripping
with the truth dripping
from tears in the mask
that's fallen from your grasp
when we can see you
and everything you do
with nothing blured
reality un slured
just you for you
completly true


it's hideous to see
your reality.

I wish to see you
You saturate all my thoughts
Like a *** soaked cake
syrupy drops through my skull
Tell me to never let go

Drink your drugs and smoke your liquor
Whatever makes the blue pass quicker
We all have our little things
What matters is the end it brings

They want you to talk.
Like your silence hurts them.
Not as if they wanna hear what you're thinking.

When you plan it all
Only to see it fall
Over and over again
As if you'll never win
Discouragement that weighs you down
Somthering. Shhh, don't make a sound
Work until your skin falls off
Still can't breathe you start to cough
Choking on reality
Still not where you need to be
The wallets dry
And you wanna cry
But there's no time for such things
Gotta juggle what life slings
Momentum. Break down,  to get ahead
Matter of time before you end up dead
The adult game of 'never done '
I miss the days of having fun
Despite this crumbling zombie form I wear
I refuse to let life bring me to despair
Singing in the labor camp, waiting to be free
This face will always have a smile, for everyone to see

Frozen little masterpiece
Drifting toward the ground
Fluttering movements cease
Melting without a sound
More of you falling on me
An army of ice
Now the color I cannot see
Isn't that nice

I would destroy myself to save you
Do whatever I had to
If only I could help you
Just don't know what to do

I let you slip away from me
Hoped that you would be happy
I've watched you struggle for so long
Seen how she has done you wrong
Wish that you could only see
That you need to just be free

And I would destroy myself to save you
Do whatever I had to
If only I could help you
Just don't know what to do

Kitty katt I miss you much
Wish that you would keep in touch
Its hard for me to call you friend
When this silence has no end
Years have passed since I've seen you
Wonder what you've been up to
Starting to think that I should quit
Just give up and forget

But I would destroy myself to save you
Do whatever I had to
If only I could help you
Still don't know what to do

I left you my heart.  
Imma fill that ******* void.
With bad decisions.

Pastry land
Is so grand
But do beware
Of this world so fair
Its fée illusion
That spins delusion
We pirate cats
Wear jester hats
As we twirl and dance
Our kitchen prance
Throw a soul onto the pyre
Watch the heat make bread rise higher
Hopes and dreams
Whisked with smothered screams
Baked hot and through
In the shell of you

Hide behind full cases
In cute little places
All cookies and cake
And the smiles we fake.

My little heart is full of puddles
My little mind all kinds of muddled
Burn the skin
Drown within
Mind warns to break and scream
Coaxed on by some dark dream
Level face to them all
No way I dare to fall
Smiles on skin
Lying's a sin
but it gets you by and makes you move
Gotta find that mood to groove
Fourteen hours in this bakery
They never see what it does to me
My little heart is full of puddles
My little mind all kinds of muddled
Day is ending almost done
Bruised and tired , but we won
My mind is screaming anyway
I don't hear what it has to say

I guess we grew up
Maybe 'up ' became apart
but here between shifts
We're still smoking at my house
How much *** can you handle?

Wanna say my score cards full of gold stars
but inside I'm still just healing scars
My brain is leaking this terrible oozy sadness
I used to believe this was just all ******* madness
Now I know its me
Just not the me you see
Magic pastry chef run the bakery!
What's that ETA for desserts on table 3?
I smile and spin
But deep within
My minds on fire
I wanna be higher
or imma scream or maybe cry
part of me wants to die

But bake this proof that
Time to make people fat

My heart's a little sad
I try to keep it glad
With candy thoughts
and Tequila shots
How did i end up here
Dancing with adult fear
A little dead inside
With nowhere to hide

Orange and blue
Not a thing I can do
Just sit and watch you

When did I start looking at life, as vitamins and calories
I remember back before it was just,  hours and salaries
Now I Zombie about, burned up, and burned out
Stress makes me itchy, ******,  I wanna shout
It's all chores and bills, obligations, feed the cat
Run down, Run over, clean this,  do that
Time warps, bends, now its tomorrow
Better sleep soon, or work will be sorrow
Melatonin and liquor
Make it happen quicker
**** down, pass out, cycle through
Not sure anymore, what else to do

Like the snows in my brain
A specific sort of pain
The Christmas cheer
and Little reindeer
That bring you all joy
Well m they destroy
I'm frozen through
Don't know what to do
Cold is not my friend
There's no way to defend
It just ******* seeps in
Waiting for summer to come
So i don't have to be numb
Thawed by the sunshine
Then I'll be fine

My little foxy
Oh all that you have taught me
Forever longing.