It's not self harm. It's fine
Just a bunch of tic tac toe boards
Made of crimson lines

It's not insomnia
I'm just so excited about life
I want to be awake every second

It's not that I can't eat
It's just healthy to have moderation
And what's more moderate than nothing

Its not depression
It's just a tiny sad
That has lasted a year

It's not a panic attack
I'm just fine
The scream crying is unrelated

I live in a shifting sea
An ocean black depth that seeks to drown
Every part of me
Cut. Burn. Hit.
Every tumult and wave demands
The worst I can give myself

A crawling claw from the inky void
My own touch fills me with dread.
Not my hands. But a demon
Living in my head.

Getting drunk of every fear
Feeding every insecurity
Cut yourself. Hurt yourself.
You deserve nothing but pain

Then I'm fine. As quickly as
The words were typed.
The sea calms, the ice in my chest
Melts

But given a moment or stray thought
A single sliver of a chance
This leviathan will return
Hell bent on seeing me dead
Rushing up from this darkness
Gnashing teeth, slimy claws
Living in my head

Loud disrespectful welp, bone faced Cav
Subdued in soundless sleep, unaware
Here lurks our end, O death stalks us dear Nav
Mine ever foolish sword, dull yet sharp
A prize awaits the dead, not for us
One Flesh, One end, O death hates us dear
Nav

Dark thoughless word *****
An Exhalation when I cant speak
A breath when I choke on these thoughts
As I throw them into a void.

Directionless coward
Lazy selfish ****
How many times must you learn
youre simply not worth it.

No goals. No hopes. No talents or dreams.
"Im doing all I can."

Liar. I want to scream.

Breath caught. Throat tight.
I could never do anything right.
Cant die. Cant swim.
How do I survive the ocean
I find myself in?

Talk to me and I will smile
Joke and I will laugh
Youll never see my darkness
I read somewhere "Eat the path"

Devour the stress turned hatred
Consume the storm in your head
I could probably **** things up
Even when Im dead

Ingest a sickening life
Glutton myself on the cycles
I dont want to be here anymore
But youll watch this sorrow soul
Eat the path.

Seething boiling mass
Thrashing in this bone cage
Overcast black torrent
Perplexed eyes turn skyward
Im supposed to be happy
I thought I had shed it way back when
But i look around and im standing the dark yet again.

Calmness despite the rage
Resignation to the stress
Hopeless, Helpless, Worthless
Life is a stage
And I want nothing but the curtain call

Wings out-thrown: A black silhouette eclipsing the moon
Quickened by blood: A hole in my understanding, drawing it close
Child of the skies: A long forgotten predator, awoken and voracious -
Child of mud: Adam's son, cunning, strong and committed to life. -
Unable to know, think, grasp, take-in, understand, comprehend

"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
and with strange aeons pass even death may die"

An Eternal Hunter: six limbs, no eyes.
Inevitable Death stalking your every step.
Wings tipped in spears of ivory, claws of Forged-metal
Creator? or Created? It does not matter.
For life will decay in its shadow.

A God of wrath and vengeance: Unforgiving of this deception.
Which lead to It's races end.
Exalted, and hailed as what It is, It will destroy all.
It will destroy
Us.

Hark, o mine beast of black shade and moonlight,
Steal me from mine chambers in the dark night,
Wake me from restful sleep to give me sight
Of things not known, and of things to come,

Hark, o sharp edged visage of death Black Queen,
Hear mine cry of One Flesh, a soft rueful keen,
Follow mine cry of One End and be seen,
Yet not known a little, not even some.

Every failure of my character
Throws and rails against this bone cage
Blood and Bone deep folly
Chasing any hope of rest or death

Crushed flower, broken swinging bridge
A river of memories turned tide of self pity
Turned vicious biting realization
But the stone was cast and the current's a Thief

My actions made consequences
My thoughtless uncaring made enemies
My stone caused a ripple
And the ripple
A Tide

I held her as she died.
(Literally.... for those of you reading this)
She died in my arms.
My frantic breaths and shaking hands as I tried to make
her
heart
work

Three years in just a few short weeks
My mother left me
My hands shake as I write this
And the words look blurry

Her last words
were that she loved me
Such a cliche, I know.
But cliche's are cliche for a reason i suppose

"Fallen Angel just let go, you dont have to be alone"
Thats what this song says.
"I was right beside you when you went to hell and back again"
Its getting under my skin, These words
"Fallen angel close your eyes, I wont let you fall tonight"

I write this as a momento I suppose
To my Mother
R.M.C.G
May she rest in peace.
Maybe I will find it as well.

Perpetual motion noise.
Inherent everlasting song.
Endless Echo/

Expression fails to encapsulate my affections.
You render everyone/else obsolete.
Unnecessary to complete my life.

You fill every aspect of happiness I could imagine.
An Endless Echo as it were.
But that is not an apt description
For what Echo strengthens as it reverberates?

But you are strong.
And beautiful.
And perfectly imperfect.
Cute. Adorable.
And loyal to a fault.

My Forever Home.

My Endless Echo.

/I wish you the best.
Happy Birthday Love,
Wish I was there. :)

A thousand unutterable sorrows and joys race through
me,
as I sit here and think of you.

I miss you. I love you.
Your laugh, your smile, your eyes.
All the phantoms of you that haunt my every
waking moment.

My cold shaking hands cannot recall,
the warmth of yours. Nor can my memory serve
to fill this emptiness taking your place.
Notions of simple complexity....
Love.
Cal it what you will.

Ha! God I miss you.
You're my everything, Bunches.
You're my...

Simplexity: May the world see us together soon.

Enjoy the flight, and the fall
Live and Love without reserve
Take a chance and leap off the cliff
But dont lose yourself to fickle bliss
Blind yourself to past mistakes
But keep the lessons and the aches
Take up arms against the Fake
For the weak, and for our sake
Live free or live in fear
Drown in Life or in tears
its your call
Enjoy the flight and the fall

I stand on a cliff, waiting for your hand
Take that last step, and break your chains
You are strong, You are strong.
Repeat it with me.
Echo/
You are strong, you are strong.

How can I possibly tell you this.
You're.... My light in a dark world.
A Fluttering Hope for the Hopeless
A Guiding Angel for a Sinful Demon
A fire to warm a cold heart

It has been nearly three years since anyone
Or anything has inspired me to draw
To be so artistically productive.
That says a lot about you
And how you fit into my life

I only want your happiness.
But if you choose me, be strong.
Be steadfast, because I cannot take this indecision.
I would rather drop it all than go through anymore
Emotional
Stress.

Facing light, a cycle is found.
Neither knowing why nor how
Springs softest embrace, white wings
Of summer light, angels in gold sing
The hymns that lead me here
Neither a place to head or fear

As daylight dies a cycle is found
Both warm and cool, melancholy surrounds
Folding beneath in certain joy
All play, jokes, smiles so coy
These Hymns that lead me here
Both a place to head and fear

So come Dawn, come Dusk.
Remove this sinful rust
From this artists fingers
So let emotions on them linger
And flow into the world clearly
For all or none to treasure dearly.

When I am alone, and I know that no one will hear me
I still cry

I see it all laid out before me.
I wanted someone to hold
Love, appreciate, entertain, and comfort
and the same I sought in return.

You gave me that when you
moved that first pawn into place
And from there, everything was set
You checkmated me

And then went to play with someone else
without so much as a "Good game"

A fire set between Lovers, smoldering
Incinerating a hole through their pure
Intentions juxtaposed to coveting
Above all else: More

Not a solitude of atrophy sprouting
In the cracks, but a flowering of beauty
in this segmented, quartered tissue.
The glued on perfection of self control: Dissolved

Lust for this temple to crumble and
Reunite, lessen this Schism of
Lovers betrayed by Lovers
Strengthen our bonds: Repair

The poetry of this divide, ineffable
Solace flooding the fields and drowning
Compassion in silence, untold
Stories of the Abyss: Secrets

Flecks of gold in blue, rarity defined
By the lies between Lovers
Thoughts of Amber, silica resin
Trapping, binding the Chasm: Imprison

Imperial, consolidating facts surfacing
From overturned, plowed dirt
Covering Lovers graves, coffins
of sleeping Emotion: Un-Waking

Life from Lovers veins, to
Lovers heart.

Schism.

Divide.

It will forever separate us, Love.

I am thoughtful, I dont speak unless I feel the need.
And with most people I dont.
Im observant, to the point of being creepy. :P
I watch people, not in a perverted or wrong way
I watch them to see how they act, and what their doing.
I am socially  illiterate, Im extremely awkward with people
So I watch others to try to figure out what to do.

Im realistic, both optimistically and pessimistically depending on the circumstance
I think in logical cycles "If not this then that." "If not that, then this." and so on.
Despite all the logic and awkward social standing, I do have a sense of humor
It is sometimes crude, or overly complex but it is there.
And my friends tend to enjoy it as well.

I love to learn, anything everything anytime all the time.
Which is one of the reasons Im observant. I learn primarily through watching.
Though reading is just as easy for me.
Listening is not however.
I still want so much more knowledge though, and life is so short.
"He's a genius" is all I've heard since I was in 3rd grade.
I hate it.
I am not a genius, I learn easy and have good recall and intuition.
A genius is someone who can solve a problem in a hundred different ways
Im smart, but Im not a genius.

Im an artist in every sense. As this not-really-poem shows.
Its why I joined this site. I love poetry.
I love reading and writing, and I'm good at both.
I love painting and any kind of visual art.
I like shuffle dancing, its constant motion which plays
into my hyper moods. - I consider dancing art (Im not sure if it actually is though)

And finally.
Music.
Music is everything to me, Its what I do when I have emotions I need to deal with
I literally talk to my instruments when I play them - Yes I know that is weird. :d
I can play most instruments, not all. But most.
My favorite is the guitar, then piano, then any other stringed instrument.
Then any woodwind instrument - which is something Ive always wanted to learn to play.

Words, endless omniscient syllables to describe all
Continue to press this burning steel of Knowledge
into my eyes, until they sizzle and evaporate
and show me what only those dead can know

Symphony wrote in whispers beside my bed
From an ethereal mouth, a Demon with white wings
Pale complexion.
A crimson eye, with a cross shaped pupil
An ice blue eye, with no pupil

A
L
E
C
E

A name I have not spoken in a year
A name that strikes my heart
And ignites a strange electricity on my skin
A name I invoke this night

Comforting Caretaker. Peaceful Mother.
Passionate Lover, Faithful Friend.
Loyal Servant. Fair Queen.
Demon Goddess I worship and praise

A
L
E
C
E

To you a tribute, my blood, my life.
To you a tribute, my music and art
To you a tribute, my writings and skills
To you.
To you.

Alece, my friend and companion.
I name you here in immortal ink
poured from the blood in my heart,
through the faucet of my fingers.

You will live in my heart until I die,
And you will live forever here until all else ceases.

Serenity in self, like a star burning in the atmosphere
is neither calm nor is it simple. Despite its looks.

A shadow does not simply 'want' to be dark
it is a requirement, otherwise our secrets would show.

Facing down your own problems is not bravery,
finding a stranger and asking "how can I help?" is.

This blank [      ] is your life. No, it is not 'empty'
It is simply free to be filled with whatever you wish.

When taking into account exactly what we are....
it is amazing we... think, cognate, live, feel. Everything.
And yet, we are simply just a sum of our parts. Much
like this poem is a sum of characters on a screen.
Dead, in-animate, un-moving.
And yet, it is alive, and others like it have the power to move.

What is life, and what defines a right to give or take it?

My Happy, the thought of you is my smile
Your crystalline eyes shine my joy
And your heart beats my euphoria

My Happy, you are the life in my veins
You are the the sunrise to my night
The exalted thing that makes life right

My Happy, the notes of my song
The key of my melody
You are mine, Dearest Happy
And I yours.

Struggling not to fall from grace
I sing these hymns of my disgrace
Freedom's wings a waning hope
Caught in this husk, this sinful cloak
Upon this alter that I lay
Mouth sown shut, forced to obey
These laws that seek to chain me here
I refuse to run, I will not fear
Wrap me in the kindest arms
Save me from this sinful heart
Give me wings of purest white
Allow me Faith that I may fight
Allow me Faith that I may fight

I saw him again
by my side as I wake
in the middle of the night.

A thin naked man
Contorted limbs fit more
for a dog than a man.

His burning scolding breath
on my neck and
he screams at me

I am The Rake
I am The Rake
I am The Rake

Large head, round black
Eyes pierce through me
He peels back my covers

And beckons to me
His hands twist in strange ways
As though not bound by tendon

And he screams

I am The Rake
I am The Rake
I am The Rake

It is still dark as I follow him into the woods
I know what he wants - just for me to wake

He is The Rake.

And he wants my bones.

Fallen
Into Sweet Mother's arms
The night's embrace like silk,
perforated with needles of Solace.
No thought, no memory
of anything but nothing.
Lost in Forever-never-land

Fallen
Into cecity of self.
Denial no longer, escape
the Shell Of Hallucinations.
And fly.

Fallen
Into the me Beneath
Spiral down-trail, gilded with failures
That have coagulated into sanity
and Reason

Fallen
Into a Flawless-Confusion
No meaning is evident
Within my soul-cage-metaphor
and my failures-turned-reason/sanity
Tell me to seek help

Fallen
Into Un-reason
Fallen
Into self
Fallen
I have
Fallen,
Fallen,
Occido

Threatened, repressed Inner
Backed into a jagged-glass corner by Outer

As

Hatred is suspended within Inner, on piano wire
stretched too-tight.

Outer is Legion, a communist social-anesthetic
Dominating, binding, and herding Inner
Into that small little corner
The one that forces a Balance to sway
One way
Or another

A torrent, Black
A river, Red
and Inner stands over Outer
No longer Repressed

Hatred
(Over)
Love

Truth
(Over)
Lies

Life
(Over)
All­

If
    it
        were
          -a choice

Id hope

          - it was

                                            Blind.

I find myself falling
Like an angel with burning wings
This night has consumed me
Ive committed horrible things
Envy Lust Hatred and Greed
But loving you is the worst indeed
Id ask your forgiveness for I am sick
But vindicated Im not and time doth tick
When you shall wake Ill stay my calling
But till then, Ill continue falling

"Did you know there is only twenty-one letters in the alphabet?"
"No, there's twenty-six."
"Really?"
"Mhm"
"Oh, oops. I forgot. U R A Q T"
Shy smile.
Wide smile.

Is it so absurd?
That you make me nervous
Scared.
Self-conscious.
You make me think in chaotic
loops of meaningless things.
Or mostly meaningless.

What if I told you
I wanted to kiss you
as you stood on the other side of that door
Or as you sat mere inches away from me.

Would you have been surprised?
Maybe, I could see how you would be.
But would it be good or bad?
Would you turn away, or reciprocate?
Or would you smack me?
Or would you pull back, and tell me it's too soon?
Or would you just leave?
Or would you stay?
Or would you...

Do you see what I mean?
All of those thoughts are moot,
now that your not even here
And yet I still think them.
Why?

What if I told you
I want to hold you
Right now.
To wrap you up in my arms
and not let go.
I wonder if you would let me.

What if I told you
I want to lay under the stars
and have you curled up against my side
and we simply
watch.
Maybe talk.
Maybe kiss.
But nothing more.
Maybe just fall asleep
Its usually quite warm out
this time of year

Bah, but you see how pointless this all is right?
I dont want to push, because I could push you away
But I fear not acting, because I have seen women
make these absurd tests up in their head.
'He must make the first move' and then 'he' doesn't
so they move on, thinking him a coward.
But I am only showing respect when I do not act

What if I told you
That you make me crazy?
Like-I-can-barely-breathe-
My-heart-wont-slow-down-
My-pal­ms-wont-stop-sweating-
I-cant-stop-the-thousand-thoughts-
raging-­in-my-head crazy.

What if I told you
I want you to be mine?

What would you say, Angel?

Bah, you make me hate my silence.
I have always been a listener,
An observer
A thinker.
A proverbial introvert.
And I use to cherish it.
I thought myself better because of it.
But now, when I need most to talk
I freeze and think instead.
No, actually, I just freeze, with no thought
Bah, you make me hate my silence

Press me to talk Angel
Ask me questions, any question, you know
Ill answer.
Ask me my dreams, my hopes
My past, my present and future.
And somewhere in all of that
When I feel I can, I promise
Ill start to talk more,
Without you pressing me for it.

Regrettably I am silent
But I am more than willing to change
If that will make you happy.

You know?
Ive been thinking

Even if up, was only left
And gravity was actually that
stuff we put on mashed potatoes
And if lights, were only happy darkness
Id still Love you

Even if flowers caved in
to become Monarchs
And the sun went dark
Because they forgot to change the bulb
And the world ended,
Because squeaky toys were thought strange
Id still Love you

Even if banana's became cobra's
And the sky fell, because no trees are left to hold it
And the stars disappeared,
because of their jealousy of you
(You're quite beautiful.)
Id still love you

Even if I didn't exist
Even if you didn't exist
Id still Love you