what can I do to be good enough for you?

i’ll drop the pounds

i’ll wear the makeup

i’ll get the grades

i’ll force the laugh

but then

when you are left 

with this distorted image 
of a human being

who’s twisted and broken

crinkling at the edges 
and burning up

from the inside out
please don’t sneer 
in disgust.
when everything’s rolling together

and coming to a close

and you let me catch you

by the ends of your fingertips 

don’t flinch

from the artificial thing I became
for the sake
of winning you.

We’re on the cusp of adulthood and it hurts to think it all through
I feel like I just buzzed down a long narrow highway for an eternity of lifetimes in a rusty old car that I can’t figure out my feelings for.
And now I’m standing at the edge of a rocky canyon, looking down.
And holy s* I'm scared.

People keep telling me I’m a bird
But sometimes I doubt if I actually managed to grow all the feathers that are required
And oh god.
The feathers in my pillows are always whispering what-ifs about that cliff
And it makes it hard to sleep
What if… when my time here on the edge runs out… I’m not ready?
What if I can’t handle that steep free fall?

I keep getting taller
And sometimes I feel emotionally superior to other people my age.
...Until I get here.
And I’m clasped by the cold grip of fear I never imagined I'd feel.

I thought I'd run off that cliff.
I thought I'd scream through a wide open, teeth framed smile
..and jump.
But there’s so much I don’t think I understand just yet.

Theres doubt in my chest.
There’s fear in the ***** of my shoulders.
I'm constantly feeling the elephant-sized weight
Of all the decisions that could go wrong
Of all the things I can and can't control.
And sometimes I really question how much I can or should trust.

Myself. That is.