i watch people
through windows
moving drapes
to get a glimpse
i hear people
the muddled laughter
the bark of a dog
the screams of children
at play
and i sit
and wait
and wonder
who's happy
who's desolate
content
satisfied
or who is like me
watching
listening
waiting
agonizing
in the thought
of yet another
day.

i want to grab your face
and hold it
so you look closely,
and uncomfortably
into my eyes

can you please tell me

why you think
and take every chance
to vocalize
i am less than what i actually am?

i am here
again
alone
thinking
thinking
thinking
contemplating
what...­
when...
where...
sorting
separating
blending
thoughts
that make no sense
trying to figure out
why
what is my purpose
why
am i here
taking up needed space
why
breathing in
selfish air
why
to keep these lungs
pumping
pumping
pumping
why
supporting my twisted head
allowing my brain
to spew out
these unnecessary
words
why
that *****
crave
confirmation
and acceptance
why
why
why

i do cry
if only in my head
the longing
the need

         why

for answers

to questions

                 why

that even I

                                     why

can't explain.

lying in a field
sprinkled with wildflowers
and honeysuckle
breathing in
the deep fragrance
takes me back to an imagined time
of yesteryear
a young girl
infatuated with beauty
filled with a wide eyed lust
for life
brazenly consuming
all that's put before her
greedily gorging herself
with the earth's
magnificence
longing for an intoxicating end
of innocence
blissfully embracing
the world in it's simplest form

to dream
and become vulnerable
undressed and open
accepting with an open mind
is a very accomplished task

a nature made mirror
of ice coated streets
people tottering through the cold
bundled in galoshes, mittens, scarves & hats
snowflakes drifting slowly down
meeting a child's tongue
or gently glazing treetops
leaving a dusting of powdery white
fierce winds blowing,
howling hauntingly
sledders gliding down hills
twisting, turning and bumping
in glee
snowmen made in comical flair
  rosy cheeks
   dripping noses
   watery eyes


ah, winter, you fierce beast
such a variety of possibilities
you do offer.

how each day comes to me
burdened with the sorrows
of yesterday
my hope for overnight calm
   diminished
    shattered
with the gaping dawn

how each day drags for me
ladled with added suffering
   and worry
building to a crescendo of torment
    deafening me

how each day ends for me
head pounding with explosive thoughts
my mind begging for sleep
    and unconsciousness
weary with the expectation
of facing another day

when gentle breezes blow past me
i hear soft words murmured by you
that were never spoken

when the heat of the sun grips me tightly
   and pulls me close
i feel an embrace from you
that never happened

and when feeling exhausted by life
i crave the love from you
that never was.

am i jealous
   maybe
do i get lost in whimsical thoughts
while falling witness to your demonstrative love
   could be
do i crave his kiss
   want his hug
     desire him
                    probably
so tell me

why do you have him
and i do not?

i desperately willed you
to look my way
just a glance
i thought
for i was sure
        positive
that if you got a good look at me
you would be mine.

those eyes
make me wish
   for younger days
when seeing eyes like yours
   looking into eyes like mine
was a sure thing.

when he took her
he looked down
and dropped her gently
a small amount of blood
touched his fingertips
which he glanced at
indifferently
before walking away
he glanced back
and wished silently
"you should've said yes"
now her soul soaks his
her being no longer
but he remains unemotional
   uninterested
he is who he is
because if she would've said
   yes
things might have been different.

grab my hand
and come with me
we'll float amongst
     the stars
while looking down
on people and things
   below us
laughing at their naivety
   in not knowing
what exists
in the simple grasp
of a hand.

writing
gives my mind
a voice.

tap tap tapping
on the computer
   working
my mind wonders
   as it usually does at this time
i hear the whir of work trucks
and smell the greasy, diesel exhaust
the mumbled hum of voices
   different but familiar
paper being spit out in sheets
labeled with jumbled words
   and photos
some artwork
   if you can call it that

production
   money
from this pocket to that

the cursor is blinking at me
beckoning me to make a move
   punch a key
    or shut it down

decisions, decisions...

...my eyes tell me it's time to call it a night
   there's always tomorrow
to get this machine running
   once again.

the flame is burning
   behind my eyes
     blurring my vision
then slowly sharpening the edges
   causing this place
to break up into pieces
of shattered
          nothingness
filling me with an uneasiness
that begs for sleep
to keep me in blackness
    and unaware
of the turmoil that surrounds me

          until i wake
and realize

that nothing has changed.

sometimes
i just want to shake you free
let you fall to the ground
sweep you up
and toss you in the trash
wiping my hands saying
"his time was up,
he's used,
broken,
beyond repair"
then turn and walk away

but i can't

and it's hard

it feels like you're beating my heart
with your fists
until it becomes so battered
with bruises and pain
i can hardly breath
the pressure becomes unbearable
the hurt intolerable
agonizing

my only release is to weep
weep for the boy you once were
weep for the boy i know still exists
weep for the boy i love so, so unconditionally
and weep because i feel i have failed you
somehow
at some point

and i can't forgive myself for that
not now

so please, please
prove me wrong
and don't give up on yourself, my love

because if you do
i don't think i can live with that

treachery
of the human heart
has no
bounds
its grip
   vicelike
     suffocating
causing injury
past the last
breath
of surrender

expendable desire
ignites
the flames
of desperation
glorifying
in the agony
of the intended

your want
   it's need
begging
scratching
devouring
until that one
last
morsel
of
hope

is found

and the soothing grip
of factitious
affection
lulls you

once again

into imagined
harmony
and hooked on a
blissful
state
of forged
devotion.

the lesser me
is always present
my positive proclamations
will be overshadowed
by a nagging feeling of
not good enough
not pretty enough
not skinny enough
not smart enough

no...
scratch that
i'm always smart enough
     pfft
actually
i'm smarter than...most

so...

we're back too
pretty
         skinny...

such shallowness

that's me?
is that really how i feel?
                                    me?

this overly wordy
exceedingly articulate
totally capricious
me?

imma gonna step back a bit
lemme reevaluate
reassess
and gauge
this
'lesser than me" ****

i AM all that
i AM smarter than most
i AM ******' writin' my poems for the whole ******* world to see!

so...

take that
my weak,
cowardly
'inner' self

you, uh, me, uh i...
need to ball up
and show the world

that i am
ALL THAT

and then some...

i can hear your voice
   calling to me
through the wind lashed trees
the rustling leaves spreading comfort
   deep within my limbs
oh, these autumn nights
are the nights i miss you most
with the melancholic breezes
   tickling my senses
    reminding me of you
making me remember
                           us.

to write
is like a jolt of adrenaline
shocking me into the realization
that i am here
for a reason

to write.

i'm watching her
shifting uncomfortably in her seat
then she turns
and catches my eye
giving me a ***** look
i meet her stare
and hold it
until she looks away
shaking her head in obvious annoyance

me

making someone uneasy
   just by watching them

possessing such power
   with a mere look

what disruption can i cause
if i put my whole heart & soul
   into it?

sitting here
thinking of all the yous i have had
there was you number one
the special you
who made me blossom
you number two
who took me away from
you number one
you number three
who brought me back to
you number one
you number four
who i can't remember
and all the yous after that
who blur together
except you number
   fifteen
you were that extra special you
because you promised me
life happily ever after
but you ended up leading me to
you number sixteen
and all the yous hence forth
which were only time fillers
and carnal desire necessities
none of yous mattered
until the last you arrived
and you were the one
who made me think
i will never have a you
again.

i look at you
and see the past
a past
so, so unenjoyable
hurtful
but you're here
now
and sincere
or the sincerest
i've ever known
which could be
a falsity
because
the you
that i'd thought i'd known
is
unknown
to me.

i see you
in the distance
waving to me
   beckoning
i imagine you calling to me
i never left...
i'm right here

and i'll run to you
and you'll lift me up
and swing me round
planting a big, wet,
sloppy kiss on me
laughing, saying
i told you, i never left
i'm right here

and i won't wake up
               because i didn't want you to leave
i always wanted you to stay
             right here.

i walk with you
feeling protected
by your arm
          casually draped
across my shoulders
i don't know
if we've walked blocks
       or miles
because when i'm in
the comfort of you
             time doesn't matter.

i read your tumbled thoughts
through your eyes
the mirrors to your soul
and they speak sadness
discontent
unease
and woe
they cannot see the brightness
of the sky
the beauty of clouds
nor hear the sing song melody
of birds way up high
consumption of bitterness
has directed your being
into becoming
an angry individual
a hateful person
vengeful
jealous
contemptuous
i search for the softness
the love
the forgiveness
but i find none
your misery is too strong
and the force of it
makes me abandon you
forget you
toss you to the curb
to live out your pain
all alone.

don't blame others
for your shortcomings
nor look at them
in contempt
you've chosen your path
are following your planned destiny
and any blame
you feel must be thrown
     should be accepted
by the person you see
in the mirror.

don't count on me
i'm sick of being there

don't invite me
i won't come

don't add me to your list
i'm unavailable

don't include me
i don't like you

when i laugh
it's at you

when i plan
your'e not a thought

when i roll my eyes
it's you i think of

you dress funny
your hair's a mess
your walk needs work
and your laugh is phony

so

when you ask if i think of you
that's what comes to mind.

...she looked at me
   wide eyed
     mouth forming a small O
and i wanted to bottle her up
put her on a shelf
and keep her innocent
forever.

who am i
   thee with brittle heart...
to ridicule
another's proclamation
of true love?

...to sneer at a tortured soul
bewildered by the
soulmate
who decided the love offered
wasn't enough

who am i
to watch, amused
at the vain attempts to still
the desperate beating of a heart
that yearns for the return
of a long, lost love

who am i?

i am the cheated survivor
of a once loudly proclaimed love affair
with a soulmate
that left me yearning
for the love i once thought
i had.

you reached my heart
with your pleading eyes
begging me to make things
better

oh, how i want to

it may be difficult
   easing your pain
i could offer a kind word
open arms
but your pain is deep
from many years of damage
it's left you nearly unrepairable

but looking closely
i notice a glimmer of hope
in your weary eyes
a spark that hasn't been extinguished

and it's then i know...

it's not to late
to try and fix you

and together
we'll make you into a stronger version
than the one you were before.

i'd love to take your face apart
inch by inch
pore by pore
counting every eyelash
small lines
barely noticeable
the color of your lips
your cheeks chapping in the cold air
eyes watering with a brisk breeze
chipped tooth
crooked smile
messy hair
the imperfections
that make you perfect
to me.

i like you
you offer me light
   which few have done

when i reach towards it
   and you
the darkness that
envelopes me
   fades

i stare in awe
at the brilliance you hold
and i smile with joy
knowing it's me
you're giving it to.

you wave your flag
of arrogance
up down and around
proving to everyone
but yourself
that everything
is A-okay.

i'm staggered by your walk
   electrified by your talk
     blown away by your looks
       blindsided by your smarts
   and bowled over by your kisses

i guess you leave me totally discombobulated.

you have a beauty
that i cannot grasp
me, with you,
isn't possible

uncomfortableness
fills me

when i imagine your arms
around me
and even though my body
craves your touch
my mind
isn't ready for it.

a shadow plays with my mind
crossing the room
ending in the chair
where you used to sit
and for a very brief moment
my heart skips a beat in anticipation
halted by thoughts
of how it used to be.