I have spent so much time
dreaming
about the day I saw you again.
What I would say,
what I would look like,
what you'd look like.
And it was nothing like the
romantic gestures my mind
created.
But my heart did stop
for a second,
and then start beating
uncontrollably.
I lost all words and just
stood there looking at you,
speechless.
Oh my god,
so handsome..
even more than I remember.
And then you were looking at
me,
but I couldn't tell if you
liked what you saw.
This girl that you've talked to
for years..
is she everything you thought?
Does it matter?
It does to me,
because I felt my face
catch on fire,
and my hands started sweating.

I mean, I was a mess.
And I still am.

I realize that by
keeping to myself and writing
every thing down,
I have become so self involved.
I just wallow in my misery
and don't focus on all the
good in my life.
Maybe if I could just
get out of my head,
I could finally be happy
in life and my relationship.
Wanting so many things
and trying to make it sound
beautiful have become exhausting.
I just need to admit that I'm
an *******.

Sometimes I feel so
****** up,
because I can't get him
out of my head.
It has been so long
since we last spoke,
and even longer since we
were good.
So how come
a year, and a lifetime
of changes later,
can I not get over him?
Hearing his name or
seeing his face still makes
me feel a bit anxious,
because I want to know
how he is.

I mean,
I know that we have wrecked
every chance we could have had,
and I know that he was probably
over me,
before this summer even started.
So what is wrong with me?

When I was a little kid,
my idea of what heaven
looks like was the biggest
cloud in the sky.
The ones that had colors
like pink, blue, yellow.
And now that I think about
it,
I've never had a more
beautiful thought.

Tonight I stared at a cloud
that was stunningly pink.
Behind it, the sky
looked like a painting.
Eventually I stared so long
that it turned into a dragon.
And I remembered when
I tripped on mushrooms.

I need to eat some again.

I have gotten to that point.
The one with the feelings
that are all too familiar.

The one where I am happier
when I'm not with him.
The one where I am beginning
to feel like I'm staying for him,
not me.
The one where I miss who
I used to be,
and the mind set I had that
protected me from people,
and emotions.
The one where I feel a sense
of freedom when I'm in my
car alone.

I don't know what this means.
Or if I'm just an *******,
or not truly in love.

But I am beginning to feel like
I don't want to live like this
forever.

Even though we're miserable
here.
Sad here,
angry here.
This is where we came
from.

And yet,
somehow we're still here,
so it can't be that bad.

I dream a lot about
being taken away from here,
from this 9-5 job,
from car trouble,
and struggling to pay the rent.
I dream a lot about
a boy with tattoos on
his wrist,
and how his fingers used to
hold me so tightly
after he had one too many
drinks, and he tasted like
beer.
I dream a lot about a man
who showed me what real love
is like,
and helped me realize
that breakfast is my favorite
meal of the day.
And that coffee fixes everything.

So I guess you could say I
dream a lot about the past,
and I keep hoping that somehow
if I wish hard enough
that I can get it all back..

I just still don't know how I'm
ever supposed to get over last summer.

Okay,
let's be a little real
for a second.
I know you didn't send me
that invite because you
wanted me to know,
or even go for that matter.
You did it for selfish reasons
in hopes that you'd win
a lap dance from one of those
strippers or something.
But, um,
how come I got the message
when we aren't even Facebook
friends?
So.. Thank you,
*******, for going out of your
way to remind me that you're
alive..
and that you have fingers.
Remember when you completely
blew me off,
and didn't say **** back to
that message?
The one I know you saw.
You could have skipped my name,
you could have some respect for
my ******* feelings,
you could have responded
and been a decent human being.

All I want to say to you is
Please ******* out of my life
forever.
And the funny thing is,
I'm sure you didn't even notice
that you just did something
really wrong.

I don't think,
that ever before this time
in our lives,
that it was so hard to get
people to feel passion,
and express it.
Whether it's anger or happiness,
people would find a way
to be open about it.
It's not about just voicing your
opinion on topics,
it's about living hard,
feeling strongly,
loving passionately.
Nobody feels anymore,
and those of us that do have
been turned into aliens for feeling,
feelings loudly.

Because we are alive.