“please tell me how the **** i’m supposed to deal with losing you.”

you should have told me you were seeing someone again.
(did i really need to?)
you promised me. i ******* trusted you.
(your first mistake.)
******* for making me ******* think/
******* for taking my trust and ******* on it.
i hope he’s better than me.
(he wasn’t.)
i hope you’re ******* happy and you don’t miss me.
(i am but that doesn’t mean i don’t miss you.)
you never ******* cared.
i won’t ever forgive you for this.
(did you forgive me?)
you never cared like i did.
that’s over now.
(i cared more than you know.)
next time have the ***** to say it instead of making someone think there’s something when there isn’t.
(i told you i was toxic.)
don’t just push them away until they realize by themselves.
i thought you were different.
(i wasn’t different! why was i different?)
i heard your voice, you didn’t care.
(being numb is a strange feeling.)
tell me to go away, say we are done.
(we were after you did this.)
you were never my friend. you wouldn’t be like this if you were.
(i’m toxic.)
you aren’t the same. you used to care and be so sweet.
(a person can’t change in a month.)
i deserve better than this.
(you deserve way better than me.)
i wanted to give you everything.
i wanted to ******* take care of you and help you. i wanted to give you all of my time and energy and love and i would have done anything for you.
(i don’t know if that’s true. no one can give another all that.)
you need to ******* get yourself okay because you’re just gonna keep hurting people.
does he know that you’re gonna hurt him?
(he hurt me.)
you’re my death cup now.

/texts received after i said i needed space.

it hurts me to know that you can see my heart being shattered and how little i do not care.
it hurts me to know that you’re picking up the pieces and storing them away when i could fix it myself but refuse to.
it hurts me to know that i’m pretending to be blind in fear of losing someone i’ve already lost.

i wake up sad often
in the middle of the night when the entire house is quiet
with nothing or no one to tell it to
i wake up sad often
my chest aching and my mind screaming
and not one thing to help me soothe the thoughts
i wake up sad often
and i just want you to hold me again

i stopped writing because i didn't need to when you were my paper and my lips were the pen

he kissed her so passionately, her moans escaped onto his lips. as soon as he stopped, she pulled him back to him and kissed him as if he was the oxygen she needed to breathe.
she only ever felt alive when she was touching him.

sometimes I feel like my only childhood memory was hiding in my sibling's room while you fought, while you were so drunk the only thing the bottle told you was to use anger to hide the self loathing you carried. how the screaming rattled the walls, and the smell of beer filled every room in the house. how I was so young, I didn't know what was going on. how could I have known what was going on?
but in the end- thanks for choosing your addiction over me.

verbal abuse was the one thing that came out of your addiction that tore me apart. words and phrases that crawled up my spine, words that made getting punched in the face seem less painful. you may have forgotten every bad thing you've said to me, but I haven't. I always tried to forgive you, but how could I forgive you if you just kept throwing those words at me? you just needed your high to feel sane. I'm going to take every word you've ever said to me to the grave,'cause you're not worthy of my forgiveness. but in the end, thanks for choosing your addiction over me.