Is it just me or does everything feel a little forced lately

.. as if the person writing it is thinking..
What will this post say about me?
What will this perspective say...?

How will people think of me after this sentence..
this post..
this update..
this picture..
       ?

Will I seem cooler to them..
lame
immature
funny
brilliant
beautiful
smart..
smart-er(?)

How do I project the image I would like reflected back onto me
This reflection only I am seeing

To brand myself before I am Branded

It is very very late

I am awake

Wanting .. only

-To Create

.. My wrists hurt from typing and pushing, scrolling and tapping

When it’s not drawing it’s painting.. If not that I am working digitally, my hands, wrists and fingers ache and burn and still.. I never want to stop

I had no idea that what began as a life of crayons and markers would escalate into an obsession with all medium(s)

Wanting to turn on every light and collect every tool of creation I have in possession .. To explore every avenue of accumulated knowledge and expression

It’s a craving for sure..

But not tonight.

Who do I speak to when I throw my words out into the abyss
This public wall of "communication"

Often leaving me waiting in contemplation of self
Of worth and impact

**Alone in this web of inner nets

What could get me
more likes
more love
more faves
?

what can I do for more attention and Views today..?
I know..

Watch me create
look at this
I made this overnight

Look at this funny post
I found it.. I poured over the images and stories to find this
to return it to
My Page

watch me ..in real-time pour my soul out on your screen
I will complain and throw verbal tantrums of
desperation
seeking
all
attention



crying out
for love
for views
for likes
or just sympathy



Look at all of these images of me and all of the people
in my
Life
see there, ..
that's when I was happiest
Isn't that amazingly great?..
like it
..please



Support my life
with your attention
Confirm to me
that
you see
You see the persona I am sculpting through my Feed


I am the Best

I am just beautiful

I am so inspiring and desirable
to study
and to affirm

And when we meet in person
you will know
that I know
That you like the image I have projected
and I
yours

We will sit together side by side
with phones and
devices

together
separately
crafting our online identities

Here I am thinking

What have I become?

Is this me, Was it me before?

I'm exhausted by the constant adding up

-multiplying the times I have had to reassess

Where am I in this maze..

I feel the certainty chip away as the people I love wilt and disappear

The knowledge I once held close I lay down next to their once comforting words

Nothing is definite
Fact is a state of Illusion
Am I alright with this?

I once declared..  "I thrive on chaos"
I now search for comfort within it, and hold on tight to my own prospects

Is this really who I have become?
What do I fear? .. Measurement(?)

Those who are adding up their own multiples(?)

Me
As I look myself over in the mirror
judging.. assessing the weight of each insult

Who cares?
Do I? How can I find contentment in all of these flaws
My lack of effort
My lack of effort to conform to ideals .. is this part of me, a rebellion of sort

Will it pay off in the long run or will I fall flat on my face in the abyss of conformity

I am lucky I am loved. I think

oh so lucky .. luck is temporary, it's all temporary
that's the good part(!) We don't have to dwell but(!) might we have to Answer

To Pay.. for all decisions and outcomes.
Is this why(?)


..I know I am not the only one thinking..