Among all the poetry books,
I look for the ones with the cracked binding
And intricate covers
Filled with harrowing sadness and raw emotion
The kind that obliterates the souls purity.

Maybe its because youre 140 miles away. Maybe its because youre enjoying a break. Maybe its because you just forgot that im here or something.. But whatever it is i keep making excuses because im scared that the reality is that you just dont care. Even though you said we needed to be a team.. You said you loved me. And now you dont say it at all. Its like youre embarrassed or something.. Either way it burns so deeply in the middle of my soul that it feels torturous but im too weak to push you away. Instead i make up excuses and push through because im convinced that im madly in love with you. And maybe im insane for waiting so long.. So patiently.. And hoping so much. But i cant help it. When i am with you. When i do speak to you. Sparks ignite again inside me and give life to such a vivid, passionate and extraordinary fire that just bursts and melts me into you once more. And you drive me mad but i cant put out this firey love i have for you.

Anger fumes throughout my body
A silent steam seeping
A quiet girl weeping
My hands are tied
My teeth are clenched
And a smile has been slapped and plastered across my face

I've been told to just go with the flow
To just let it go
But there's a buzzing in my soul
A violent tug and pull
Rattling my bones
Boiling my blood

I feel as if I will explode
But then you bring me back to reality
A gentle touch
That quiets the buzzing, the tugging, the pulling, the rattling, and the boiling

My chest rises, and then falls
A deep breath hisses out between my lips
And only then am I okay

You think your parents are invincible
Your father your knight and shining armor
Your mother an untouchable saint
Providing, protecting, and loving you all unconditionally

But one chest pain brings a surreal reality
And you watch your fragile father lie on the hospital bed, crying
And you see your mother fighting back tears, trying to be the strong one
Your invincible parents now crumbling in front of you


Shaken and terror stricken, tears flood your eyes
You don't ever think your dad, the one who wiped your tears when you had a bad break up
Could be so fragile
He is supposed to be the big tough guy who is invincible

Not the one to get a heart attack at fourty three
Lucky, they said, your dad is lucky he survived.

It's amazing how a dream can influence feelings
A dam broken by a flood of them
A fleeting moment where your heart is clenched by an iron fist of exasperation
Tears become the mask you wear as you watch your heart being wretched out of your chest

The taste of hot heavy metal floods your throat as you bite your tongue
Because you're trying to keep from lying to yourself that you're "over it"
But God, it felt so real;
His arms wrapped around your body, squeezing.
Piercing eyes don't blink, when he is uttering I love you
Caught in between the realms of a dream or a reality
Torturing yourself with these exhilarating feelings
Grasping at all opportunities to feel good
But realizing you only feel good because of him
And you are trying to forget the fire from his burning kisses
That singed at your raw lips
You are screaming due to the electric shock pulsing at each point on your body touched by him
Trying to digest the raging adrenaline that is burning every single one of your veins
Praying to slip into a nirvana of ecstasy
You are caught in a whirl wind of what you thought was bliss
But then awoken by the erratic screams of your alarm
It was all just a dream.

Hannah Brown©

Remembering
Eyes gleaming           tears streaming
Cheeks rosy              due to so much anger
You kissing me         your lips tasted like cigarettes
Sparks flew               due to the cancer stick you just lit
I love you                  you love your drugs
             how will I ever win

Because I craved him when he was far,
I loathed him when his skin was inches from mine.

Because when his presence was absent I filled my head with dreams of him,
I thought of the danger he could do when his skin was inches from mine.

Because my heart beat started to race everytime I saw him and he didn't see me,
I remembered when he did see me when his skin was inches from mine.

Because I wanted to kiss him oh so badly,
I was repulsed just as his lips where close and when his skin was inches from mine.

Because I wanted him to ask me to be his girlfriend,
I started to cry as he looked in my eyes when his skin was inches from mine.

Because I didn't want to be scared of loving him any longer,
I ran away when his skin was inches from mine.

Hannah Marie ©

TO WATCH SOMEONE YOU LOVE CHEST RISING AND FALLING IN AN ANGRY MANNER WITH SO MUCH HATE
TO WATCH THEM TAKE ALL THEIR HURT OUT ON THEMSELVES TO TRY TO "PROVE SOMETHING"
TO WHO!? FOR YOU ARE ONLY THE DEVILS BAIT
MY LOVE, I TELL YOU ONCE MORE YOU ARE NOT NOTHING BUT RATHER EVERYTHING

I WATCH YOU TRAPPED IN THIS UNRULY CAGE OF ANGUISHING UNHAPPIENESS
I QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT WE ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE OR TO BE LIVED IN
BECAUSE SOME OF US CARRY SO MUCH SADNESS..
THAT WE LET SOMETHING ELSE LIVE INSIDE US SO DARK AND RUTHLESS, FOR THAT FELT LIKE A HEAVY SIN

DIDNT IT?
AS YOUR RIB CAGE IS WRETCHED OPEN BY THIS CREATURE
TRYING TO LIVE ON ITS OWN, YOU SHOVE IT BACK INSIDE YOU BECAUSE WITH OUT IT
YOU ARE NOTHING, SO YOU LET YOURSELF DOWN BECAUSE ITS ALL YOU CAN DO

There are a lot of things wrong..
With the way you make me feel
You make me feel like I'm taking acid
I start to feel dizzy and like I'm shooting over the clouds
Because you called me cute...

But then you take 96 hours, 27 minutes and 34 seconds to reply to a text message or phone call I left to you

I worry. And that acid trip starts to plummet and I feel like I am falling

Extremely fast. And the second I'm about to hit the ground. You're suddenly back.

And I am planted softly on the ground

In a daze. But then you're gone again.

Then. 5 months, 2 weeks, 7 hours, 52 minutes, and 8 seconds later. You finally start talking to me again.


Apologizing for breaking my heart.
For literally taking my heart and squeezing it. With the blood oozing out and my heart deflating and it literally feels like my heart has been seized out of my chest into the palm of your hand but some how I can literally feel you hurt my heart

And that very pain sends electric shocks to my brain. And I'm blacked out mentally until you "apologize"

And the dopamine in my body starts to spike and I trick myself into thinking. "Yes. It's all going back to normal, we aren't crazy" "we aren't crazy"

Yes we are

You make me feel like I will die without you. If I can't have your existence present to me. I am literally a bomb full of depression. Ready to implode into myself at any given moment.

You crush my desires into fine dust and set them in a line and snort them so you can watch me crumble to nothingness. You take my happiness with a needle and shoot it through your own veins. You take my love and put it in empty pill capsules and pop them whenever you're lonely. And you literally leave me with nothing but sadness.    

You literally abuse me like I'm some sort of drug machine. Whenever you need it. I've seem to always have it.

There are a lot of things wrong with the way you make me feel.

But what is really wrong, and disturbing..

I still love every. Single. Piece of you.

I breathe deeply
Everything's a game now a days
No one loves steeply
No one actually stays

You get what you need and you leave
It's like ******* the nicotine quickly out of your **** cigarette
I mean isn't that what we're taught to believe
(haha)
Taught that using someone shouldn't be something we regret

What happened to us.
Exactly two years and 264 days ago
We were not in lust.
You wouldn't have stooped this ******* low

Now you're burning into my skull
You're something I hate but want to love
And I'm in awe with the **** that you pull
In ongoing mental traffic, let me give you a helpful shove

You want me to show you my body
You don't even tell me you love me anymore
I'm no longer your somebody
Literally you've shut me out, slammed the door

What  even am I to you now?
A ******, dim light that keeps flickering in the back of your mind.
And I'm managing somehow
Attempting to scrape the insides of your ******* mind

But you still treat me like ****
Like this poem I put too much effort into
It's pathetic
So **** it

I have been forgotten
Like the **** of a cigarette
Flicked from his finger tips
Into the unknown
I have been forgotten
Like yesterday
I have been forgotten
Like tomorrow.

Sadness is dwelling in my mind
Anger is swelling in my heart
The thought of suicide sounds like a fantasy
Almost close enough to touch
But yet too dangerous to hold

As my heart melts into nothingness
and my desire to communicate diminishes
My walls of safety have been stripped from my soul
As my happiness begins to swiftly deteriorate

With every ******* blow of rejection bruises me more
screaming I punch the brick wall till my knuckles bleed
angry at myself
how could I be so **** stupid
My innocence and yearn for safety completely obliterates those thoughts of logical thinking
I am becoming this monster with open wounds that he keeps lashing at with his steel whip
As I whimper crawling towards him
But he keeps hitting harder
My body shaking, trembling
The wound deepens and gushes out blood at an intense rate
but I still am crawling as fast as I can to his arms
in hopes that he will hold me when I reach him

hoping he is satisfied that I took each intense beating and still crawled to him
hoping to be wrapped in his warm arms against his stone cold heart
Praying as hard as I possibly can that he does not drop me as he has done numerous times before. If he drops me that recurring painful crawl to him will begin once again.

Tears soaking my body and his black t shirt.
And when I look up his face, it is hard and emotionless, I push myself as close as I can into my creator. The one that turned me into something so vulnerable. Something so monstrous. But at this point there is no turning back he has every part of my mind controlled. With the snap of his fingers he can have me down on the floor begging for his attention.

My grip around his torso tightens as I feel his muscles twitch. As I look up to his eyes they begin to show the soul of the devil. As his head tilts down to mine and kisses my lips hard. With every part of my body coming alive for those brief moments, screaming with short lived happiness. He releases and looks into my eyes. For a moment, I see hope but then his eyes turn to hate, and he shoves me back to the floor, bruising not only my body but my soul, but the pain only makes me need him more. He runs towards me and at this point I think he is going to help me and hold me. No more crawling to him with open, ****** wounds. But just as he gets to me, he throws the steel whip into the darkness, and starts to batter my body with his fists. Breaking my bones and cracking my skull, blood gushing from places all over my body, but the pain is pushed away by my need for him.... but now he is leaving me ****** and broken and when he Is finished... I just crave him more.

Insanity is again creeping back into my life
Making me cold, making me angry
It's beginning an uneasy strife
Within me. Am I too clingy?

Too clingy to the word hate?
Too much attached to insanity?
Is everything becoming too much to contemplate?
All I seem to do is soak my mind in pure vanity.

A word that represents worthlessness
Something I begin to over obsess
Turning myself into a monstrous mess
My happiness I begin to suppress

But it's like I'm dead now
Pushing everyone away
To try to bring one being closer to me somehow
As optimism sits on the shelf to decay.

Recurring dreams of sudden death,
A crash, burn crave
The kind that makes you gasp for a breath
Instantly bringing you to your grave

The desire for a terrible accident
To obliterate yourself entirely
A fantasy no one can prevent
As you race for an end intently

Watching your whole life fall apart,
But doing nothing
Silently you pray that it stops, your heart,
Your life, you continually keep crushing

Until your last breath is taken
And that flash of light turns to pure darkness
This mindset won't be shaken,
Till you finally lay lifeless.

It felt real

                         when

I touched your chest

It felt so real

                        when

I sat next to you in that restuarant and felt your body heat radiat off you and warm me

but

I woke up with

                            tears

in my eyes.

Because

You're not here.







But you're leaving.


For what may be a long time.



But that dream felt so real.



And



I hope that I get to


                                  Possibly,


feel you in my dreams again.

A sadness deepens itself into the center of my body
An uncontrolling undesired sadness
That meanders my heart
& perturbs my mind

An uneasy feeling of grievous loss heaves into me
I feel repulsed by these unfortunate feelings
& I'm trying to will them to leave
I cannot explicate this harrowing pain that dredges in my mirthless soul.

I am crying out for comfort
Because my desolate-being is overwhelmed with grief
For I have been mislead by someone I thought I could trust
But they were disgraceful
& abused my solicitudity

And now I'm sitting here baffled
Because who knew.. That you could make me feel so terror-stricken
I trusted you to keep me safe when I told you my sacred secret...
The one secret that ruined me completely

But this goes to show, that you cannot trust anyone
But yourself.