Yesterday I held a ladybug in my hand

Picked it up from where it was,
vulnerable on the floor of the church

The music around seemed to fade away
as I stared at the little ladybug,
hoping it was alive

It didn't move but I held it in my hand still
as I prayed that someday live would work out
praying that God would be there to hold me when times got tough.

And that little ladybug started moving in my hand
Safe from foreign feet that would **** it.

I know this is silly

But I saw myself in that ladybug.

I am this little vulnerable creature
Yet God holds me in the palm of His hand.  

And I know...

I

Am

Safe

Where do I belong on this scetchy line?

Laying here all I am aware of is a stomach
Singing in my room I imagine myself a perfect star
Getting ready for an event
all I see is flaws blinding my view of the mirror
Ready to go out and have fun I only feel confident
Walking with perfection passing me
and I feel like I'm a a grape in a box of raisins
I decide not to care how I look to others
Then I see a magazine shamming a beautiful woman

Someday I will find peace with myself

By then will I be skinny and beautiful?
Or will I be actually happy with the way I am?

Another evening
of
sore forearms
aching shoulders
blistered fingers
a back that demands to be cracked.

All this work will be worth it

The late nights staying doing squats

They will pay off in time

I will never be skinny,
never be the politically correct form of "beauty"

But I can always be strong
and someday I will stand up and know
that I have reached my goal
and am the very best I can be

The glimmer of the ocean

Rush of the trees

Grandness of a mountain above

We all have our dreams
Destinations and paradises in our hearts.

Many of us may see a place as were they belong
even though they have never been there

Despite knowing it may not be for me
My dream is a small cottage by a bay in Maine

Silly isn't it?

These little dreams are what we hold on to
as motivation, something to keep us going

Wether they are ever realized or not
They become a part of who we are

A little fantasy no one can take away

Another attempt
a few more hours in the gym
a few skipped meals

but

more snacking
more unhealthy food
more failure

I can never be who I want to be
I can't be the best I can
Because I'm already straining the ropes.

Talking to you is the best therapy
even if you don't respond I feel better
because you always understand
and if you don't, you try to.

And I appreciate that

Thank you

You make everything better

She stands there in the corner
hunched and scared
Looking like she is standing at the edge of a crevasse
and something evil is getting closer to pull
her little confidence apart

Does she not see?
She is beautiful
Every pound that she hates
Is unnoticable
When she smiles the room lights up
When she talks everything seems good

Come and join us
and do not be afraid
No one judges here