my birthday is next weekend and the world is experiencing a worldwide pandemic.
it's kind of hilarious actually
the first time i am not dreading my birthday
i can't even do anything to celebrate
how funny is that?

i am burning holes in my lungs trying to forget about you
trying to erase the memories of every time you ever held me in your arms
or every time you kissed my lips.
i wish i could erase the feeling of your hands on my skin
i can never wash you away
you are a permanent mark on my heart, on my soul.
i don't know how i will ever find a way to be without you, because sometimes it feels physically impossible.
i thought i did it before, but one look in your eyes and i was yours again.
i am broken over you again, except this time the pieces are scattered into a million tiny shards.
given the circumstances of our situation, it really feels like this is the end of everything.
i just wish i held onto you a little bit longer the last time.

i often think about running away. more than i’d like to admit.
i often think about saving up a large sum of money and then going anywhere.

my dream is to run away to europe. change my name and be free of anything i know here.

if i ever did run away i’d know for a fact i would not look back. i wouldn’t talk to my family anymore because there really isnt anything holding me to them
i feel like an odd ball out, like a burden to everyone around me. they’re better off without me.

i’m too scared to admit how much i think about killing myself. it feels unsafe to harbor those thoughts, so i substitute them with the thoughts of running away. of just leaving and finding something new.

I havent written in so long
because writing reminds me of you
reminds me of the memories we share together
the love we hold in our hearts for one another
the distance that feels like it will forever be between us.

i miss you
more than i could put into words
but the pain that i feel in my heart is more than missing you
it's longing
longing for you to hold me in your arms again
to kiss away all the fears and doubts that linger in my head
the fear that you will leave again
that the face i cherish so much, that is so precious to my heart
i will never see again.

i'm scared,
scared you'll fall out of love with me
or that you're not even in love with me at all.
these fears eat away at me constantly.
they dont let me sleep, they dont let me think
i feel like i am suffocated in my mind
trapped in a cage.

i hope that one day i will see you again
and everything will be, the same.

Everyone has an addiction, addictions come in all forms
my addiction was you,
you were the thing I couldn't live without.
you were the thing I'd die for.

is it wrong
to crave the person
you loved
so deeply
once more?
is it wrong
to want the security
you felt with them
back?
is it wrong?
to want it
to all end
because the pain
is too much

am i a fool?
for thinking that maybe
you can love me again
am i a fool,
to think that you
would ever consider me
home
am i a fool,
for thinking that maybe
you and i were going to
make it in the end
am i a fool?
for wanting you
again