I just don't know what to make of it
Give it all to Him, you said
I think I need some time away
You both seem so different than in the old days

We're apart when we're together
The tensions grow and shrink,
N always wanting me to stay,
Yet spending our whole time on links

I don't know what to make of it
It's the isolation amidst the masses
The loneliness when we aren't alone
Pushing me toward the brink

How am I supposed to deal with it all?
Give it all to Him?

How is that done, exactly?

Fine.

HELLO THERE LORD, can you HEAR ME?
     <crickets>

WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THIS UNBEARABLE WEIGHT?

AND THE LUMP
IN MY THROAT?

...And the fear...
...And the hate...

It is hard
Here in this incredibly strange place
With no access to you
Save the memory of your face

Alive and awake here
In my own skin
The pain is too difficult
And so I fall again

But now taking inventory
Observing my own thoughts
And noting without judgment
The actions and the oughts

I'm tangled and impeded
In circumstance, it seems
Perhaps I'll learn to let go...

Please visit me in dreams

Altruism, at its best,
Is only a means to pass a test
That you perceive you are in...
Of an absent God who licks your chin

    "What, in her do you see? Pray tell!"
"She's so selfless; generous to all."
    "So she tells me", I think to myself.
"...To all but you.", I think.  And stall.

What do I tell my dear dear brother?
What do I tell this brilliant boy?
That I'd rather he find another?
Altruism schmaltruism - Where's the joy?

Out of the ashes
Altruism arises
Here in this place
There are no prizes

There are no rewards
Other than bragging rights...

Cut the cord. Loose the bonds.
It's flimsy fodder - to offset fights

[]    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []




Fait­h is believing without seeing

So how does one have “more faith”?

How exactly does one believe?

Belief is...the elusive wraith...



Do I say in my mind, “I believe, I believe!”,

And eventually find that it’s true?

Or does it require clear-cut demonstrations?

And if so, what evidence will do?



Some faith is required when the teacher explains

Four divided by two equals two

But then in the classroom of any good teacher

This assertion is proved to be true



But what of the esoteric abstract assertions

The proclamations about the unseen

(The help that is given by clergy or guru)

Are they true, or designed to just grease the machine?



How does one do it? How do they have

A “personal relationship” with a dead man?

Or a living GOD who lives on the throne,

But chooses stone silence as part of his plan?



Or is GOD there, screaming His head off at me?

While I am just too dense to hear?

Oh why is there so much trouble receiving

The message from One who created the ear?



I want to, I want to, I want to believe,

And someday I’ll find it’s all true

Meantime, I’m sitting here, heart on my sleeve,

Blurting my hurt… *and so blue