She steps with silence through the snow
The lilies love her laugh and know
She speaks with kindness
Love
And
Laughter

Knowing deeply
What comes after.

Such a quick glimpse
Of such a sacred creature
Living with passion
Each and every feature

My bed is now empty
But the stains
Of coconut oil
Remain

missyouhere

My solar plexus is really feelin
you right now
Powerfully internal longing
I mean ****
Even digital communication is
helping
And you know how I feels

I do!!
Ergo my slight surprise
earlier

I'm missin you girl

as I feel we've indeed kept the
whole not-getting-too-sticky-
over-text communication
you're making my heart smile

I feel you from here :)
I'm trying to get up there
Before school starts I want to go
explore places with you

month left!
ample time

Start thinking of places you'd
want to check out
We could crash in the back of
my car or tent or whateva
And get mad homies to come too
But I think a lil day trip with us
soloing could be very cool

yes
find a creek
we'll be there. only paddle
needed being yours
I just miss you on top of me,
hugging my body to yours
the feel of your shoulders

Lightly touch your neck with fingertips
As they find their way to the
roots of your hair
And I squeeze
And a hard kiss
As I stare
Deep into your eyes

stopimissyou

I'm driving so I fear I shall stop promptly

why would you drive and talk to me -_-

Reckless lust.
Laying underneath the stars with
you in my arm
Thought fills me with warmth

ugh
stevieray

Satine

imissyou
comenearme*

As soon as
Unfortunately
Feasible
And not possible
Buenos noches
Satine dulce

The constant hum.
        The mental vibration.

I search for connection.
        I fiend for sensation.

The eternal quest
        Of transitory
                  Relation

****.
Do I need a
        rest.
A mental

Vacation

I feel bomb

My body is happy
My mind is clear

My skin tingles with warmth
       and Vibration

I saunter through the valley of toxic filth
        The sludge slaps my thighs and sprays my soul

I dissolve it in oils
        The warmth allows it to penetrate deep
                And with conscious care, I cleanse my Self and Soul

I float high on
         Carrots and mushrooms and quinoa and beans and seeds
                And more fruits
                 And more roots
                  And more veggies
And fats
        Raw with love and earth
And meat, raised as Children of the Earth
        Not children of the industry
And my sweet mistress of stimulated desire
        Cacao.
Stimulates my clearing mind
         Free of pineal poison (from water and paste)

I saunter through the valley of toxic filth
       I hold her close and kiss her

My body is saturated. There is no escaping environment.

So I work from the inside out.
I sweep my temple daily.

I breath in chaos,
And breath out harmony.

Sunset
On the beach

****** tension
Obvious and overwhelming
Lays a pleasant enshrouding cloud around us

The world fades away

Just the dying colors of a vivid sun
And the incessant onslaught  
Of a calm ocean

Memories of a day past
Splashing on our mental shores
In tune with the earth
As always

I softly stroke the fresh ink
Printed on her skin
Her skin tightens
Redness appears

A great surge of passion
Welling up in the bottom of my heart
Filling my stomach

But I must control myself
I've made this mistake before

The same obstacles
To trip over
They've never left

But she hints like they're leaving

I escaped without crossing the line
I made no mistakes
I don't know if I should return

But the heart wants what the hearts wants
And I'm left longing

A morning of escape via sheets and pillow
A day of escape via coffee and comeda
A night of escape via I.P.A.
And marijuana

And thus the passions return
As expected
At 12:13 A.M.

Such a longing of soul to an extent that I cannot rationalize or define

My very being expanding past my expectations of its spatial limit

Pressing so very ******* my solar plexus

A low frequency thud

To my heart

Beat


This will never leave
It makes me knees shake
And my foundations shudder

Fear enters my heart

But the excitement is addicting.

A glorious fruit
        Hanging casually on a branch

Split from the navel to the jaws
        Blood red insides exposed to the open air

Extended Hexagons packed in tight
        Layered with skin around skin around skin

Separate little cubicles
Filled with chemicals
That change lives

And sometimes
       The lives of birds

(They pecked into my pomegranate)

Ants and growth and decay and filth
         Swarm the ****** wound with unbelievable skill
                          And understanding

I choose to not let this one go back to the earth quite yet
         Some would say I’m a hippie like that

Quickly carried to the operating room
        (The kitchen)
Slammed on the operating table
        (The cutting board)
First incision made
        (Broke in half)

Guts
         Spill
                  Everywhere

But deep inside
        Surrounded by the ants and growth and decay
                 And filth

The most glorious Rubies
Packed with care and understanding

Nature never ceases to amaze
       Its capability to produce such pure
                Uncontaminated raw potential
                        In an environment of such decay

I suppose we do have a chance.

Feeling empty and sullen
A thin shell

With no direction

Mumbling distaste and unappreciation

To his computer screen

I numbed myself today
Nothing else to say

Fires died down for a bit
Easy just to sit

But I know how these things work

I’m waiting for the metamorphosis

As retardant turns to fuel
And the fire returns hungry and refreshed

Jealousy grips my stomach
       Insides twisting with thoughts I can’t think

A longing away from this moment
       A longing for her

Deflated

When will I find my goddess?

She steps in silence
        Across the snow
The lilies love her
        Her laugh they know

With patient pride
And delicate care

Sloped lips of red
And luscious hair

Smile,
spreads symmetry;
Through,
entropic chaos.

Looping
Laws
Like
Light thread

Her mind at peace
Her pond so still  

I’ll wait for her
My source of Will

“The twinkle in my eye”
She says

The twinkle in my eye?
He stripped of passion.
He stripped of feeling.

Such words sang from a freshly cut melon.
Smiling up at me
Eyes glistening from fascination
Chest glistening from the essence
Of a coconut (and a small amount of saliva)

Curves of unfathomable length
Lips of explored (and unexplored) depths
Luscious locks of the moonless sky
Leave me lavished with listless languish
For just a moment

But my breath returns
My energy rebalanced
Spirit re
Invigorated

Satine
Sweet Satine

Numbing down the sparking thoughts

I drink my beer

I smoke my ***

         Leaving Leaping Flames to rot

Class after class
Breath after breath

No focus on tests
Just focus on stress

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

The sun beams down on me
And shines out through my pores
And my mouth

Through my smile

Stretching for no purpose but
Joy

As I lay in the grass
(Which may have dog ****)

Tucked in shirt
I decide to unbutton

Chest hair exposed
Surrounded by strangers

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

I arrive at home
Just in time

I walk to the park
Orange in hand

Slice by slice
Spray by spray

Glimmering magic released
Sweet citrus aroma

My tongue waits patient
As my senses indulge

Citrus
And
Flowers

Smiling

The raw scent of salt
And crashing of waves

I can find no fault
Smiling
in a daze

Bite by bite
And site by site

The orange and I
Appreciate

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

The sand

It cradles us so tight

Were creatures playing in the light


The grass

It swallows us up whole

The moon directs us to our goal


Her mind’s Vibration I must find

I’ll search until I’m good and Blind


With gifted wisdom to see clearly

Her deepest pool

She gives so freely

Some anomaly
Grows inside of me
Knows in spite of me

All I cannot see

Open cavity in my chest

Heart thumping wildly in my open palm

Blood splattered on the pavement
                               and my luggage

As I stand at the bus stop

And wait for a ride to the train

Exhausted from slaving
Pushing
Grinding
All night

But she brings such happiness out of me
It does not even matter
I haven't slept in over 36 hours

I wish to exude a good vibe for her
Thats wrong--

I have no choice
She pulls it out of me
With her gentle focus

She brings such a smile out of me
I did not know it before

After such a day
Of stress and tension

She settles my nerves
Unknowingly

What a ******* goddess

A buffet of stimulus,
Fills no void.

God they must be hurting,
For all they fiend.

But lips sealed tight.
Bongs packed right.
Pills in hand.
Goes as planned.

****. Pop.

Wake up for the hunt again

Lies and deceit
Devour my soul

My heart and my passion
No outlet to go

The one who has raised me
The blood in my veins

Is rotting from poison
Please god take his reigns

Do you ever wake up?
Just for a moment

From the foggy chase for the cheese we call life
(Reward circuitry)

Everything stops.
Sounds surround.
Details intensify.

And something else...
Right on the tip of my capability to understand
Touching down on both sides

That never leaves again.

I've been collecting little pieces.

I don't know for what puzzle. I don't know what the puzzle answers.

I don't know the question.

But I do know each experience
Satiates.
Something.
Surreal.

Sitting in our rental car, driving to the local lake to
Blow up fireworks.

Dad’s driving, sister and mom in the back.

Good vibes been all around, but
The Vapor's rising

Such pride had been growin in my heart
Wellin up like it hadn’t ever done

Amazing how simply taking something toxic away
Can make you appreciate the simple things so much more

A couple nights before, I saw him start slippin
No evidence needed, no smell and no sight

I can see it in his eyes, darting back and forth
Beedy, wide open eyes

He needed it

Gotta let your happiness swell up real big
For the pain to rush so hard

I thought this time was different
I had given up a couple times before
Didn’t ever want to feel this way again
To feel shame for that which I come from

I look at my hands
My face
My walk
My smile
My ****** hair
All of my **** hair

And I see him

We wave our hands like the worlds about to blow
And we need to tell the story right
Before it does

Sitting here at my grammas dining room table
The fireworks have long since blown
Getting ready to take the trip back home
From Texas to Cali

I can’t look at him
It hurts
Deep down in my belly
To hear him talk
and smile

I don’t even need to look
To know

The smile is false
And his eyes are beady

But back to the rental car
When I let it smack me in the belly

I had seen it coming
I knew it was rising

But it took the turn of his head
And that smell, and that smile

For me to let it in

The vapor rises out of that toxic pit he calls his belly
(been cultivating it for years he says)

They rise to dance as
twisted lies
from those large lips
That reddened face

I’ll be back at school soon
Leaving San Diego behind

I have to leave it rising
To choke and overwhelm my family

Feeling hopeless
And the vapor keeps rising

Infinite constantly changing spectrum of light
Folding and rolling in soft gentle ripples
Mother Earth playing with the dying rays of light

For me

And I'm supposed to focus on catching waves?

I can't do that
With my jaw dropped
And my eyes wide open

Starstruck with appreciation
For God

I found god today
In the fading rays of light
Creating infinite beauty
For just me

I don't think this is a poem
Just a declaration

Like a ball on a hill
My souls unsettled

With the smallest push
I begin to roll

First down the hill,
To the deepest depths
With such speed and passion
I feel regret

But this speed and passion
Keeps me rolling

Up another
Then I keep on going

Resting from each peak to peak
But in between
I do not speak

Is this my life?
Will I keep rolling?

Up and down
And never knowing

Searching for
The deepest valley

A well so deep
So full of love
Her connection strong
To up above

Wounded lover
Wandering on the beach
There is no life here
     Crustaceans
That is no life to me
But the sand is soft on my sole

Blank gaze of the pitiless moon on my back
Speaking of things that once were
And never will be again

Soft glow of the rising sun on my breast
Oil slick reflections in the sand
Dinosaurs scavenging for sustenance

Why am I here?
Only the meaning we give it
Only the meaning we give it
Only the meaning we give it

Devoid of form

Repetition like insanity

Vortices swarm my ankles
Icy cold grip of a long lost mother

Reaching to consume her

    Blind and Reckless

           Child

There is no life I know there
Incessant drone of the pitiless waves

Soft glow of the fading moon on my breast
Her power slipping
Devoid of life
A lone rock

Warmth of the rising sun on my back
The sand is soft on my sole

Porcelain mug dangling empty in my hand
Water droplets stain my spectacles
Looking down from the staircase

Bright rays of the sun dance across the waves
To my Eyes
Water folds softly around eager rocks

Colors fade from the sky
A clear blue overhead

Clear as my soul once was

Walking on glass sprinkled streets
With numb feet

The Sand was Soft on my Sole

Terror abides

The words spill forth

Chaos surrounds

Spilling forth

Beauty

Tis unfortunate
It must be this way

Engineers grinding side by side
Minds focused on such abstract
Impersonal
Goals

I wish to walk with her
And speak of fanciful dreams

I wish to hold her close at night
Just to hold her

Walks through the darkness
Exploring the twinkling of the stars
And the crashing of the waves

Such a experience to explore together

And we simply grind

He sat on his weathered couch in a dark and dank living room.

“Can you hear it calling?”

He seemed to speak to the silence.

“It yearns to lunge from my chest….Sometimes it pushes so hard.”

The words bounced off of walls and refracted…into…spider webs…

The heavy air loomed about his thoughts with unbearable weight. The darkness surrounding his cave seemed to expand forever.

“I don’t understand who has blessed me with this curse…is it arrogance or destiny?”

He sat with his large hands caressing the many wrinkles and divets of his wearisome and weathered face.

“You bring this upon yourself, you know.”

The voice echoed and boomed, enshrouding his very being.

It seemed the voice came from the walls…closing in….

“How can you say that?? Why would anyone do this to themselves??”

He shrieked in despair.

The walls themselves scoffed and howled in offense.

“This room. The blackness. The stench. The rotting carcass.”

Again the voice boomed with unrelenting and disconcerting authority.

“Who else is their origin? Things don’t just grow. Something manifests them.”

He pulled at his cheeks with his long and sharp fingernails, exposing the heavy dark circles below his bright and sunken eyes.

“How can I escape?? I never wanted this for myself! I can still hear it calling!”

His words pressed hard against the walls. The pounding energy of the blast continued to reflect and dance around shadows and spiders.


“There is no escape. You are a child of your choices and are chained to their destiny.”

At this he stood. He threw back the tattered and stained quilt he had been quivering beneath.

“Then I will face the darkness! I will stare fury and fire in the eyes and I will not quiver!”

He shot his hands into the sky and blasted a billow of flame at the rotting wood he called a ceiling.

“If this is my home then I shall call it my domain! If this is my destiny then I shall be its master!”

With a great toss of his hands he banished the darkness from him and walked out of the door.

I arise early with an

Attentive mood

Looking back to last summer

And my 5 a.m. necessary release

Reading my expressive mind

Remembering the struggle

Of what I left behind

My love
Her life
Our connection

But not my passion
That was kept

and Intensified

That ******* can hurt
Pushing on my solar plexus
And chest

Longing
and
Searching

I don’t feel that way
anymore

Someone has a fancy
For My Fire

Slowly proceeding toward substantial studying
Currently satiating sorrow and sadness with scores of sullen sonnets...

My thoughts racing
           Pacing
                     Forward

Where?
Wrong question.  

For forward they go.

Until I get To pause

If only for a moment.
And taste life.
As colors and scents and emotions roll over me
Shocking
Powerful
Necessary.

Like a dark icy wave blasting off the dirt
And filth
And blood.

I consume the moment. Thirsting for purpose and passion.
And so it leaves me.

Most likely I leave it.

My thoughts racing
           Pacing
                     Forward

Why?
Right question.  

For forward they go.

I long for someone to share their path

I need circles. Not lines.

She steps so softly in fallen snow
The woods whisper words just she will know

Lying loosely arm in arm
Bathing in silence

Her spirit draws circles in the snow

The world slides at your receipt
I need to ***, but that brings heat!

Eh. Feel me as I type. The description of which I bring is essential yet nonconsequential. The words spill with unending disregard for the futility of the fingers of which types them. I am to die. No one will read this. What is the purpose of this eccentric divulgence? Man is perpetuating artistic self-indulgence that allows for self, I said SELF, consuming fires.

Such a silly line I throw down for mere enjoyment. I like to hear this rhetoric spill of off my lips. Like a greasy…pig?

Why do we degrade this animal that so closely resembles us? Why do we cast it into the filth and mud to a place that it does not deserve? Arrogance I predict. The pig is not so far from us.

As I sit on this keyboard, depressed, unfulfilled, consumed, and disgusted. With whom? Not the pig, that is ensured. I type with violent disgust of myself and those of which I wish to share my existence.

Truly? Not so. I just want to express what I can with my fingertips. See how they dance and explore the keyboard. There seems to be nothing that holds them back. A vast plethora of subconscious goo for fuel.

Deep in the pits of my soul is the source

            Of the chattering
                        Chattering mind; till its hoarse

I have such care for the friends that I keep
But no returns of care does my scythe get to reap

Pouring in heart with no
            Reflection
Bleeds at your being

A slow secretion
            Of patience
               And care

Till bled so dry
The care isn’t there

The End
    Is not my towering horror

But a slow bleeding process
      With care

Out of order

He sat tapping his finger on the bottom of his shoe, Italian leather, legs crossed.

“I really think the whole things *******.”

He was Anthony Ratier. Sitting outside a coffee shop along a crowded path.

“Its been carried on for so ******* long, nobody even considers it.”

He wore a Black Italian suit jacket. Black slacks. White Shirt.

“The one thing I can’t quite understand is how nobody else seems to question it.”

He was smoking a hand rolled stoge. Loosely rolling it between his fingers carelessly and occasionally pressing it to his lips.

“They just scuttle on day after day with such putrid confidence. I can’t stand it.”

He had a dark and sharp complexion. Long bangs of straight jet black hair hanging in front of the blue windows of his soul. The blue so bright, so sharp, so penetrating…

“I just want to stand on this chair and scream at them! Tear them from their ******* shells and throw them into oblivion!”

At this he took a long drag on his hand roll and extinguished it directly on the table.

“But no one would allow that. They’d shut me out with ease. Not a soul would hear me.”

At this he stood up and straightened his tie.

His tie.

About the only thing original on the guy.

Bright intricate patterns of red gold and silver.

With a large flower of life in the center.

“To know thyself. Ha! We can’t know the sky isn’t about to come crashing into the ocean to tear apart the hills.”

“Ourselves is about the last thing we’ll ever know.”

To Consider Thyself

I speak to others
        Day to day

At time considering
        At times flowing

Each different.

Why the difference?

Some flow so eternally
       Never looking back
                Always experiencing

Others are trapped in recollection
        Considering  
                Considering
                         Considering
Only experiencing
        When caught off guard
                 When they can’t consider
Foreign stimulation.

What a line. Foreign Stimulation.

Doesn’t sit well with me. Like an illusion.

Each sensation. So novel. Unexperienced. Foreign.

If everything is foreign, nothing is foreign.

Taking to the extreme incites a conclusion.
We are what we perceive.

Everything is known.

Why then, do I consider, that I consider, that I consider, that I consider…

Myself?

For Self now
               Writing
                        Music Blasting

Others surround
                Gaming
                         Bullets whizzing

Not sure what to do with my time
        But so passionate
               With no passion
That’s when fire is really dangerous
         When its not sure what to burn
                  But it needs to burn

This lets a little lava blood flow
         Out of fingertips
                  **Electric

Nightfall. A sliver of moon in the sky. The rumbling and tumbling of shouting free spirits toss around the meandering darkness. All that segments this organic manifestation, is an occasional, thump.

At least to the narrator. One ‘blessed’ step at a time. The eternal and everlasting thump of one foot in front of the other. Wonder if my longing and hammered foot travels as Telemachus?

The birds chirp in harmonious rhythm. Odd. Should either chirp with a sway, or be passed out, by now. All us tethered beings should swing with the immortal swing, or so I’m thinking.

Tick, tock. Arabica, slam. Jam with the jittery, immortal jam. Or whatever garb I had been throwing my way. Passed through the ‘wisdom’ of my culture, and greedily accepted by my reward circuity.

One big, machine ‘learner’.

Putting that all behind us, it always leaves a longing soul with gritting teeth.

So there I was. 4 p.m. Caffeine crash can’t even begin to describe it. A ‘crash’ designates a single day. A single face to face relationship with ones decision to kiss and tango with a sacred substance.

I was knee, I say knee, deep, in an affair.

At that point it’s not just some shallow reaction to your mind grasping at some crutch it has designated for a moment.

Not to be dramatic. But habit flows to river real quick.

So there I was. 4 p.m. Tryin to swim.

All I had for a life raft. *****.

Get drunk with my friends. That giddy, pushin others on my level on a weekday, giddy.

Push that bravais lattice, PDE numerical simulation, concentration boundary layer, **** to the side.

I was tryin’ to push MY boundary layer.

Yet here I am. 2 a.m.

Everyone is sleepin’.

All I have for company is my, thump, thump, thump.

On my way to the ocean.

Because God will listen to me Cry, and Scream.

Surrounded and swimming with sullen others struggling

We simply cope strangely and separately

Souls distant, spread by

Separate Experience


Love and eternal life
Lost in prescribed hallucinations
By fate

Love lost in translation

I can sustain
The hours of analysis
The years of lost joyous hours in the sun

While amongst the performance

Its these late nights
And awaking to my return

Where my heart pangs
And screams in rebellion

This is when I struggle

Vino
Buzzing my mind

Thoughts flow
Like I'm sublime

Toxins ease
Flow stupid ****

Dumping my brains
Into the pit

I sit upon my chair and think of life
It feels this stage is set right on a knife

To left, a choice to fall into the clay
Into machines, they grind and knead away

To right, the darkness eats at time itself
Room flips, and values fall from off your shelf

Just kiss the knife with toes one at a time
Breath slow, the edge, I pray, will grow, to feel

Sublime

Allow the media distraction to take hold
Hours of poetry
And Vibrations

Settle Something

The coffee is delicious
And the oats are nutritious
(with the seeds and powders and fruit)

Searching for satiating stimulation
Somewhat consciously endless

But for now
Pleasant

As I dabble with circuits
And fluids
And heat transfer

My form of coping
So strange

To so many

But They simply confound me

For years I have been searching

At Times calm,
At Times lurching.

Up and down I ride my wave

There is a reason
Why I pave.

She lives Now

She speaks with Care

Some would say

She Isn’t there

From deep within a Dream I've woken

From the Whispers she has Spoken


Her fingertips like Lucid shock

My Mind, before, it was like Rock


Her gentle soul,
It has awoken

Deep inside, My Passion broken


With gentle Care and perfect pace

She smooths my wrinkles into place


The wisdom of the Tree and Star

Flows from Whispers

Through my Heart

Why does my soul long like this
What is the ever lasting longing

Typing on my computer with no goal
        No known direction I’m going

I just need to let some pressure out
         This way seems the best
                      Better than others…

I despise that I long to be longed
But nevertheless
        I long
               For so long

Spelling it out
         In silly tabbed lines

Makes problems seem pathetic.

I dreamed a dream last night

Long conversation full of interest
And excitement
Vibin

With her

No memories of the acts
Just Memories of the feelings
Of sexuality

Such Joy

Then I awoke
To this day
Of 9 hours with her

Vibration analysis, heat transfer, fluid dynamics, materials science, circuits…

Another day I do not speak with her

Her I sit, just trying to write
Applying to jobs like that’s my life’s plight

To pave right ahead, don’t think till I’m dead

Grows heavy feelings in fingers like lead


What feels not genuine in things I’m sendin them?

I try and be real yet I see I pretend again

Again and again, deceits all I’m lendin them

Breath nice and slow and try an begin again

Again and again, nothings been mended friend


Take what you’ve got and take what you’ve done

Throw all that on paper, compressed into one
Page

One single page

My resume

What does it say of me?

Dry tidbits of years and hours that came from me

Once it was sang from me

Once pulsed and rang from me

Like torrents of heart, blood, and tears

It all drained from me

Left out in the sun, some dry shrinking things

The future will come
Let it bring what it brings

I feel the hands within my heart

Pushing
Pushing
Outward

Longing for something to start

Waiting
Waiting
Onward

A dream flown on must leave a hole

Empty
Empty
Hungry

A hole let sit will collect dust

Falling
Falling…
Downward

Voice rings out to empty room

Echoes seem to speak my doom

Context seems to show my gloom

      But the echoes lies
      Live in disguise
      and to my surprise

My breath sends out such morbid death

Yet pressure seems to leave my chest

Relieves the stress, unlike the rest

      Those sunny skies
      Those days of pleasure
      Conceal some lies
      With perfect weather

Tock clicks
   As life, and Love,
       Slips

Listen
   To my heart fail
Genuine emotion
   My only hope to prevail

The Swirl
   and Swivel
Of this grisly, grimy
   Theater dribble

As hearts dance
    Together and Apart
Doomed to bitter distance
   From the very start