Why did I stimulate this state of mind
What was I searching for
What have I found

Nothing but emptiness and questions
And no route for release
But internal reflection
Into a glowing screen
On my cushion
Living room
Alone

Will I ever fill this gaping void
That grasps me so tight
I feel I cannot escape

So lonely and longing
With no one to reach out to
All those who care
I care nothing for

Their love is dangerous

Yet I return
Through hopeless message sent through digital routes
To my old form of coping

Knowing the potential of pain
For both her and I

Is it selfish?
I believe so.

The burden of such longing
With no means of action
Or fear of using the means

Leaves a hole

Feeling empty and sullen
A thin shell

With no direction

Mumbling distaste and unappreciation

To his computer screen

I can sustain
The hours of analysis
The years of lost joyous hours in the sun

While amongst the performance

Its these late nights
And awaking to my return

Where my heart pangs
And screams in rebellion

This is when I struggle

I dreamed a dream last night

Long conversation full of interest
And excitement
Vibin

With her

No memories of the acts
Just Memories of the feelings
Of sexuality

Such Joy

Then I awoke
To this day
Of 9 hours with her

Vibration analysis, heat transfer, fluid dynamics, materials science, circuits…

Another day I do not speak with her

My friend is falling apart
In front of my eyes

Slowly tearing at the delicate seams
Woven by the love and heart and passion
Of his mother

We blew our minds apart together
Treaded waters we’ve never tread
He exposed I
And I he

To the brink

But I was just exploring
Escaping
Perusing

Now I must return to school

Twas no game for him
Sitting on my couch
Explosion of colors and sounds
Tearing apart seams
Of couch
And Reality

Tears
And
Demons of our past
Released

I delved to places I feared
For he poured ****** rivers of darkened ****** water
From sacred synapses
Of Block-ed experience

But I had to return
And he has no place to go

I numbed myself today
Nothing else to say

Fires died down for a bit
Easy just to sit

But I know how these things work

I’m waiting for the metamorphosis

As retardant turns to fuel
And the fire returns hungry and refreshed

Infinite constantly changing spectrum of light
Folding and rolling in soft gentle ripples
Mother Earth playing with the dying rays of light

For me

And I'm supposed to focus on catching waves?

I can't do that
With my jaw dropped
And my eyes wide open

Starstruck with appreciation
For God

I found god today
In the fading rays of light
Creating infinite beauty
For just me

I don't think this is a poem
Just a declaration

I breath
In peace

I sit
In peace

Ink stains
In peace

Do you ever wake up?
Just for a moment

From the foggy chase for the cheese we call life
(Reward circuitry)

Everything stops.
Sounds surround.
Details intensify.

And something else...
Right on the tip of my capability to understand
Touching down on both sides

That never leaves again.

I've been collecting little pieces.

I don't know for what puzzle. I don't know what the puzzle answers.

I don't know the question.

But I do know each experience
Satiates.
Something.
Surreal.

A buffet of stimulus,
Fills no void.

God they must be hurting,
For all they fiend.

But lips sealed tight.
Bongs packed right.
Pills in hand.
Goes as planned.

****. Pop.

Wake up for the hunt again

Vino
Buzzing my mind

Thoughts flow
Like I'm sublime

Toxins ease
Flow stupid ****

Dumping my brains
Into the pit

Sunset
On the beach

****** tension
Obvious and overwhelming
Lays a pleasant enshrouding cloud around us

The world fades away

Just the dying colors of a vivid sun
And the incessant onslaught  
Of a calm ocean

Memories of a day past
Splashing on our mental shores
In tune with the earth
As always

I softly stroke the fresh ink
Printed on her skin
Her skin tightens
Redness appears

A great surge of passion
Welling up in the bottom of my heart
Filling my stomach

But I must control myself
I've made this mistake before

The same obstacles
To trip over
They've never left

But she hints like they're leaving

I escaped without crossing the line
I made no mistakes
I don't know if I should return

But the heart wants what the hearts wants
And I'm left longing

Class after class
Breath after breath

No focus on tests
Just focus on stress

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

The sun beams down on me
And shines out through my pores
And my mouth

Through my smile

Stretching for no purpose but
Joy

As I lay in the grass
(Which may have dog ****)

Tucked in shirt
I decide to unbutton

Chest hair exposed
Surrounded by strangers

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

I arrive at home
Just in time

I walk to the park
Orange in hand

Slice by slice
Spray by spray

Glimmering magic released
Sweet citrus aroma

My tongue waits patient
As my senses indulge

Citrus
And
Flowers

Smiling

The raw scent of salt
And crashing of waves

I can find no fault
Smiling
in a daze

Bite by bite
And site by site

The orange and I
Appreciate

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

Sitting in our rental car, driving to the local lake to
Blow up fireworks.

Dad’s driving, sister and mom in the back.

Good vibes been all around, but
The Vapor's rising

Such pride had been growin in my heart
Wellin up like it hadn’t ever done

Amazing how simply taking something toxic away
Can make you appreciate the simple things so much more

A couple nights before, I saw him start slippin
No evidence needed, no smell and no sight

I can see it in his eyes, darting back and forth
Beedy, wide open eyes

He needed it

Gotta let your happiness swell up real big
For the pain to rush so hard

I thought this time was different
I had given up a couple times before
Didn’t ever want to feel this way again
To feel shame for that which I come from

I look at my hands
My face
My walk
My smile
My ****** hair
All of my **** hair

And I see him

We wave our hands like the worlds about to blow
And we need to tell the story right
Before it does

Sitting here at my grammas dining room table
The fireworks have long since blown
Getting ready to take the trip back home
From Texas to Cali

I can’t look at him
It hurts
Deep down in my belly
To hear him talk
and smile

I don’t even need to look
To know

The smile is false
And his eyes are beady

But back to the rental car
When I let it smack me in the belly

I had seen it coming
I knew it was rising

But it took the turn of his head
And that smell, and that smile

For me to let it in

The vapor rises out of that toxic pit he calls his belly
(been cultivating it for years he says)

They rise to dance as
twisted lies
from those large lips
That reddened face

I’ll be back at school soon
Leaving San Diego behind

I have to leave it rising
To choke and overwhelm my family

Feeling hopeless
And the vapor keeps rising

Lies and deceit
Devour my soul

My heart and my passion
No outlet to go

The one who has raised me
The blood in my veins

Is rotting from poison
Please god take his reigns

Like a ball on a hill
My souls unsettled

With the smallest push
I begin to roll

First down the hill,
To the deepest depths
With such speed and passion
I feel regret

But this speed and passion
Keeps me rolling

Up another
Then I keep on going

Resting from each peak to peak
But in between
I do not speak

Is this my life?
Will I keep rolling?

Up and down
And never knowing

Searching for
The deepest valley

A well so deep
So full of love
Her connection strong
To up above

Deep in the pits of my soul is the source

            Of the chattering
                        Chattering mind; till its hoarse

I have such care for the friends that I keep
But no returns of care does my scythe get to reap

Pouring in heart with no
            Reflection
Bleeds at your being

A slow secretion
            Of patience
               And care

Till bled so dry
The care isn’t there

The End
    Is not my towering horror

But a slow bleeding process
      With care

Out of order

Sitting at my dining room table.
Surrounding by family and compassion.

All bleeding
             All hurting
                          All hopeless

Directed at my father.
The man with a heart
             Too big for his soul

So he poisons his body
             To poison his heart
                          To relieve his soul  

Of so much heart.

How can I judge?
I shut my heart off.
             With numbers
                          And logic
                                       And filth.

He lives with his heart.
Open and bleeding.

Begging for the poison
             To relieve his soul
                          Of too much heart

I feel the hands within my heart

Pushing
Pushing
Outward

Longing for something to start

Waiting
Waiting
Onward

A dream flown on must leave a hole

Empty
Empty
Hungry

A hole let sit will collect dust

Falling
Falling…
Downward

Terror abides

The words spill forth

Chaos surrounds

Spilling forth

Beauty

Do you ever pause and ask,
        Is this a dream?

When I first asked, I laughed.
Then again I asked, and laughed again.

I asked, laughed, and peered a little closer.
I asked, peered, and dropped a wry smile.
I asked, and stared closely.

I realized I don’t even know what it means to look closely.
I don’t even know what it means to look.

I move through “life” as if a dream.
So focused on such a small portion of reality.
A little encapsulated cloud.
A box. (Sometimes rigid, other times wiggly)

I asked, is this a dream?
I do not know.
But continuing to ask has changed something.
I feel it in my stomach.

I don t know what I will find if I keep asking.
I don’t now know what that feeling is.

Now whenever I ask
I fear I may get an answer.

I often wonder why people post on this site
        Myself included

I’m definitely reaching out
        Trying to make bonds
                
Where my energy seeps out
        Tired and withered

                My daily life gives no release

Of this form
                          
And so I really start to think
If I do form bonds

Who the **** are these people?
        Why are they different from those in my life?
                Do I really want to know them?
                        Should anyone see this side of me?

Maybe its Toxic.
And this should not be read.

Sickness all around
        Dark tired bags
                Live under glazed over eyes

So we pump chemicals
To combat chemicals
        We arm both sides and don’t know how the war is fought

You can read this
and I can read that

hard to know the truth
        when informed by salesmen

All I know
Is this is big business
        And money is made

My body is growing stronger with care and effort        
        Or so I think

Sometimes I imagine I’ve grown so
        My nose grows high into the air
                And I try to help others, with an air…

But lets get real
Look into the mirror

I’m growing my own little buddies
        That live comfortably, under my glazed over eyes…

Why does my soul long like this
What is the ever lasting longing

Typing on my computer with no goal
        No known direction I’m going

I just need to let some pressure out
         This way seems the best
                      Better than others…

I despise that I long to be longed
But nevertheless
        I long
               For so long

Spelling it out
         In silly tabbed lines

Makes problems seem pathetic.

From deep within a Dream I've woken

From the Whispers she has Spoken


Her fingertips like Lucid shock

My Mind, before, it was like Rock


Her gentle soul,
It has awoken

Deep inside, My Passion broken


With gentle Care and perfect pace

She smooths my wrinkles into place


The wisdom of the Tree and Star

Flows from Whispers

Through my Heart

A glorious fruit
        Hanging casually on a branch

Split from the navel to the jaws
        Blood red insides exposed to the open air

Extended Hexagons packed in tight
        Layered with skin around skin around skin

Separate little cubicles
Filled with chemicals
That change lives

And sometimes
       The lives of birds

(They pecked into my pomegranate)

Ants and growth and decay and filth
         Swarm the ****** wound with unbelievable skill
                          And understanding

I choose to not let this one go back to the earth quite yet
         Some would say I’m a hippie like that

Quickly carried to the operating room
        (The kitchen)
Slammed on the operating table
        (The cutting board)
First incision made
        (Broke in half)

Guts
         Spill
                  Everywhere

But deep inside
        Surrounded by the ants and growth and decay
                 And filth

The most glorious Rubies
Packed with care and understanding

Nature never ceases to amaze
       Its capability to produce such pure
                Uncontaminated raw potential
                        In an environment of such decay

I suppose we do have a chance.

I feel bomb

My body is happy
My mind is clear

My skin tingles with warmth
       and Vibration

I saunter through the valley of toxic filth
        The sludge slaps my thighs and sprays my soul

I dissolve it in oils
        The warmth allows it to penetrate deep
                And with conscious care, I cleanse my Self and Soul

I float high on
         Carrots and mushrooms and quinoa and beans and seeds
                And more fruits
                 And more roots
                  And more veggies
And fats
        Raw with love and earth
And meat, raised as Children of the Earth
        Not children of the industry
And my sweet mistress of stimulated desire
        Cacao.
Stimulates my clearing mind
         Free of pineal poison (from water and paste)

I saunter through the valley of toxic filth
       I hold her close and kiss her

My body is saturated. There is no escaping environment.

So I work from the inside out.
I sweep my temple daily.

I breath in chaos,
And breath out harmony.

The constant hum.
        The mental vibration.

I search for connection.
        I fiend for sensation.

The eternal quest
        Of transitory
                  Relation

****.
Do I need a
        rest.
A mental

Vacation

Jealousy grips my stomach
       Insides twisting with thoughts I can’t think

A longing away from this moment
       A longing for her

Deflated

When will I find my goddess?

She steps in silence
        Across the snow
The lilies love her
        Her laugh they know

With patient pride
And delicate care

Sloped lips of red
And luscious hair

Smile,
spreads symmetry;
Through,
entropic chaos.

Looping
Laws
Like
Light thread

Her mind at peace
Her pond so still  

I’ll wait for her
My source of Will

My thoughts racing
           Pacing
                     Forward

Where?
Wrong question.  

For forward they go.

Until I get To pause

If only for a moment.
And taste life.
As colors and scents and emotions roll over me
Shocking
Powerful
Necessary.

Like a dark icy wave blasting off the dirt
And filth
And blood.

I consume the moment. Thirsting for purpose and passion.
And so it leaves me.

Most likely I leave it.

My thoughts racing
           Pacing
                     Forward

Why?
Right question.  

For forward they go.

I long for someone to share their path

I need circles. Not lines.

She steps so softly in fallen snow
The woods whisper words just she will know

Lying loosely arm in arm
Bathing in silence

Her spirit draws circles in the snow

For Self now
               Writing
                        Music Blasting

Others surround
                Gaming
                         Bullets whizzing

Not sure what to do with my time
        But so passionate
               With no passion
That’s when fire is really dangerous
         When its not sure what to burn
                  But it needs to burn

This lets a little lava blood flow
         Out of fingertips
                  **Electric

For years I have been searching

At Times calm,
At Times lurching.

Up and down I ride my wave

There is a reason
Why I pave.

She lives Now

She speaks with Care

Some would say

She Isn’t there

The sand

It cradles us so tight

Were creatures playing in the light


The grass

It swallows us up whole

The moon directs us to our goal


Her mind’s Vibration I must find

I’ll search until I’m good and Blind


With gifted wisdom to see clearly

Her deepest pool

She gives so freely

A step on snow
A step on moss

I stumble slow
My mind is cross

A bird flies low
A stone is round

She exists

Without a sound