Stripped of life, feeling trite, but no one to realize my need to dull this internal knife.  
Eternal intoxication keeps me feeling far from alright but thats better than a bleak night.
At least I get drunk off anxiety, high off my mind, I get to see stars when I realize i’m a rare kind. My heart is the only remedy, it pulsates aged wine.
One day i'll learn to be fine with accepting this molecular creation that won't mature over time.
Just become more complex...only depending on reason and rhyme to continue down this labyrinth of a life line.

Woman are the most dangerous people on the planet. And yes, I said people. Not some flimsy model you see in a magazine not some girl playing with dolls I mean Woman. A person. A living creature set upon this Earth to manage somehow the messes that men make up. A person whose entire being is creating and giving life, who without we would almost virtually go extinct.

   See the thing Men don't realize is that whilst in the figurative kitchen, the woman is (I'd hope) planning on some way to **** him. Because there's a fine line between asking somebody to get you something in the case that you're lazy, and degrading who they are to the point that you think their sole purpose is breathing for your ****** needs.

   As much as I hate to admit it and that it disgusts me in a way, I came from my mother. If you think about it we were all pushed about of a birth canal, put forth in the light. Screaming because holy **** it's cold where am I what am I who are you? A woman whom you'll end up calling mom has put you into the world and she could have taken you out before you were fully formed. Babies are clay ready to be molded only we aren't supposed to be the molders, we just help shape it.

   See the reason that I want to be a woman is that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I feel guilty being a man. I am guilty for what man has done what man continues to do. Sexism goes both ways but you cannot tell me it doesn't lean towards her than it does him. If I were a woman I would be powerful. I would be ****. Even if I wasn't **** at all I would rock that skirt harder than I do my skinny jeans. I would laugh with my girlfriends I would wear makeup and not wear makeup and be what guys like to call a ***** cause I don't want to blow them. Blow yourself *******.

   What I cannot change is the fact that I am a guy. I say guy things and do "guy" things. I smoke **** with my guy friends and sometimes let out a remark I hate myself later for saying. I think more about ******* than I do about what's happening in our government, but don't let that make you think that I won't stand against my male friends for woman. That I'll let them give me **** for wanting to wear a skirt or a woman's shirt. That they can get off with calling my friend a **** cause she sleeps with the same amount of men that my guy friend does woman. I know I'm not the best example of feminism in men but at least I'm trying to be something different than the same old sexist thread.

Lately I've been looking for reasons to live. Not because I...plan on committing suicide soon. Because I lost my reason and way. I've walked a path of uncertainty, pain, filth, selfishness. I've belittled myself over countless mistakes, for errors in my genetic coding that makes me who I don't want to be.

   After all the cuts, scratches, burns and scars I think I'm ready to get better. Not through whittled down razorblades but through love and kindness. Like the theory of Nature Vs Nurture, it's not my nature holding me back, it's my lack of nurture. I'm an alcoholic ready to give up his bottle, a gambler whose chips are up. A suicide case who doesn't want his life to start with a person and end...with a rope.

   Lately I've been looking for reasons to live. 59 reasons for why I should live, 23 people who I hold close to my heart. Even if we don't talk, even if it's hard to breathe at night, even when there's no way out, even when I sob and reach out like a drowning man for oxygen I look, so much harder than anyone else for a reason to live.

   I think I just...lost my way. I'm looking for a reason to live...I'm selfish. I'm caring. I'm lost and I'm learning. I'm not a bad person but I'm no saint. I'm trying to do this for me.

I want to be a superhero. I want to shoot heats beams from my eyes like I shoot...spit, from my uh, mouth. I want to save people in the burning building. Lift girders with a finger and hope with my words. I'd give food to the poor and teach respect to the rich.
   I want to show the kid on the ledge that the bully is the loser and not him. That he has a life to live and what an ******* says is just a bunch of ****. And no matter how many times he jumps I'll pull him back on the ledge, show him that the hero he looks up to was just like him. Show him miracles happen and if he's lucky he'll become the hero in his eyes. Show him scars are scars and they're just out battle wounds, that even his hero gets hurt sometimes.
   I want to be like Tony Stark. Have an ark reactor in my chest powering a suit of armor. Knowing that any second my heart will be torn apart. Be like the Hulk cause I have such anger inside that sometimes I want to turn green and break things.
   I want to have the power of Thor, and show others that despite their expectations that deep down I have something they won't ever have: Compassion.
   I want to be a superhero. Because despite my expectations I am a hero in someone else's eyes. In another world, place, dimension I am the hero I want to be. And I know that eventually I will be a hero. I may not have powers but I have enough hope that maybe one day: I will.  
   But this isn't the future. I am in the present. And right now I am not the hero. Maybe I'm the villain.