The lock on the closet rattles
The cries from within get louder as
I try to close my eyes
Sleep never comes easy because then
I must slip from this disguise
My smile fades, and positivity drains
Relentless to my sighs, the past prevails
Cracking concrete walls and rebuilding burnt ties
Moments seem like hours as the memories pour in
It will be morning before I find control again
Skeletons persist to be released
From these walls I have built around them
Never remember the past as it is
Forget and move on I swore,
But when the lights go out and the stars color the sky
I am safe from them no more

The negative connotations implied to your name
Make me want to scream and run away
Hared, depression, silent rejection
Are attributes I'm not too keen to share
Oh, but the angels sing when you care

I don't like your words spitting fire at my name
Pretending like I don't know the curses on your tongue
Every blood stained status' about being heartbroken
I'm not stupid, no, that's you

It's been three years and i've moved on
Past all the moonlight walks and candlelight dinners
To a better place in my life where you don't exist
Until recently you've started to persist

You didn't haunt my dreams anymore
I could look at a picture of us without crying
My parents trusted me to leave the house without
Threatening to run away to you

Seeing your name on the screen
Seems just a little bit surreal as I respond
"Hey!" to your excited hello
Not sure with you, quite where this is going to go

Because you like mind games and figuring people out
You went from Pre-Med to pyschology
I should've guessed you'd make that turn-about
Each word from you is carefully crafted, now that I can tell

I've gotten smarter since we've last talked
Been put through a little more by a few more people
Testing my limits and breaking my fears
I'm not the same little girl you knew my freshman year

Sure I still have the same blue eyes that shine when I cry
And the same broken heart that tore to pieces when you left
The same false confidence that takes people for a ride
Same snarky comments that tend to be so snide

But i've evolved and i've grown up
As obviously as you haven't
With your fifty-cent words and smart alek comments
Still the same as they were when you left

Now I can see through your facade
Predict every move you'll make because I've made them
I'm more expierenced  now then ever before
You weren't expecting a lot but you're going to get much more

Before you get stuck in this plot of revenge
I suggest you take the easy way out
Go to your friends list and click remove
Forget my name existed, like you seemed to before

Damaged people are the most dangerous
Because they know how to survive
Through the pain and the cold and the heartache
That others have never experienced

I'm dangerous to you, and the history you remind me of
I put it in my past, forgot and expected that to last
I am better off without you, that's obvious now
That my life doesn't revolve around you, as you made it to somehow

I'm never going back to that
The dark and lonely places
That you left me wondering what was happening
Now I know that I did nothing wrong

You were the one at fault, you were the one to blame
What is going to come may be childish, or even a bit insane
So here it is, your warning
Welcome to my game.

You remind me of myself
Broken hearted and hoping
Looking for someone to love
Wishing that I could go back in time
To figure out what went wrong
Trying to fill the holes in my heart
With laughter, hatred, even cement
Anything that will hurt, to remind me that I feel
Anything that will remind me that pain is real

You remind me of her
Staring into the open field as the stars come out
Pouring out her every emotion
Wanting me to help her, feel more like herself
To help her find her way in life
Down the broken path that she had chosen
That took her so far away, hours- even days
When she drove away, the misted look in her eye
Told me that I had failed, I couldn't help her survive

You remind me of him
We did everything in our power not to give in
Distanced ourselves from eachother, trying to cut the ties
Living seperate lives and falling in love with other people
All because the trust was uneasy, unsure
The way he looked away when I looked him in the eye
Whenver I said goodbye, because he hated those words
His hands trembling as he took a chance to live on his own
Calling me to remind me, that I wasn't alone

You remind me of them
The distant people from my past
Good and bad, happy and sad- cliche as that is, you do
You read my every movement, my every word
Like I'm some book that needs to be figured out
Or maybe you think you've already got me down
You overthink my simple words, and underthink my sentences
My emotions seeping out like blood
I'm not the person you think I am, I'm everything but that

You remind me of me
You remind me of her
You remind me of them
You remind me of everyone but yourself these days

I don't know if it's me- or if it happens to be you
But everytime you move, I see someone else
Maybe I'm hallucinating; Or maybe I'm just going crazy
But if I told that I thought you were being you
I'd be lying- but I'll be longing for the day
You keep your own identity, and I'll be whispering

You remind me of you

I wonder what will happen to us when this becomes permanent
When I can't wake up to you laying beside me 9 out of every 10 days
Our only form of communication will become Skype, texting and phone calls
And we both already know we're horrible at keeping up with those

Will we fall apart at the seams like a t-shirt worn for year after year
Or will we hold strong like a building that withstands thousands of thunderstorms
I don't want to see such a bright friendship disenegrate to nothing
But as I've learned time and time again sometimes theres nothing to hold on to

I'm not good at letting go, but I'm worse at holding on
When everything I want to see us become is played against the chaotic picture
Of what we will be enduring in this next year
I feel tears tugging at the backs of my already red and puffy eyes

And so they fall like water pouring from a faucet
Thats been left on and walked away from
Pooling up and flooding every thought my insane brain can formulate
Hazing around every memory of you and I like it is already too late

Is it already too late to save my heart from this pain
I ponder as I realize that it is, the amount my heart aches for you to be here
Overshadows any thought of being able to pull away or forgetting you
And I answer my own question

Of course it is too late to spare myself
Now I can only cling to any hope that we can continue this closeness so far away
With my every being doubting myself and my abilities to keep in contact
My memory reminds me I have failed at this before

Turned around after just a few simple months of being apart from someone close
The knife in my back is turned like a wind up jack in the box
Every word used against me to explain the loss of my best friend
Is the music torturing my ears and the horrible clown of realization pops in my face

I don't want this to be you and I just as it was her and I
But what happens once is known to happen again
So my fearful heart will bring up it's guards and try to push you away
Forgetting as my brain knows that it is already too late

I guess this is what we get, for picking colleges so far away.

It scares me when I remember exact dates
From exactly a year ago and what they meant
Then isn't anywhere near what they mean to me now

A year ago today in just a few hours
You were handing me a dozen flowers on my front porch
And telling me how glad you were I was yours- forever

We overused the words I love you
And made promises I should've known we'd never keep
But i had fallen head over heels in a love so deep
I couldn't see a way out

Nor did I want one bceause for once I was a princess
You would've given me a crown if you had thought I wanted one
Instead I just wanted you to hold my hand in a crowd

Flaunt me to your best friends as the best in town
Because it was a feeling I had never felt before
I was used to back doors and stolen kisses
from boys not worth my time

Now for the first time in my life I had a boy
Who was more then proud that he was mine
And whos love was more then one of a kind

Every moment that I spent with him was an excitement
Whether we were vanadlizing our names under bridges
or just laying in the hammock in his back yard
while he taught me the names of the stars

Exactly a year ago today he told me he loved me
For the first time- with his arm around me
By the lake- just like the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song

A song that later became my anthem to our relationship
As we screamed the words to her new cd out the windows of my jeep
He wasn't embarressed that he knew them just as well as me

But just like with all loves we had our fights
Screaming that lasted deep into the middle of the night
When I couldn't sleep because his angry words haunted me

He told me he hated me and tore me down
For simple things that seemed to just slip my mind
I never meant to instigate our massive fights

Somehow we always ended up both crying into the phone
Begging eachother to forgive the other, and soon we would
He would end up driving to house just to give me a kiss

To take away the pain he had ensured
But now there is a pain in my heart he can't take away
Because he isn't here to do so

The pain of him leaving is the worst I've ever felt
And it leaves me dying- crying and wishing I was dead too
But I have more then him to live for, so I push through

A year ago today I promised him I'd never leave
And he promised me the same but now he's gone
I keep my promise every day when he shows up in my memory

For no matter how long it's been- I still can't let go of him.

Drown your sorrow in the bottle
As you reach the bottom you'll forget about tomorrow
His face will fade, her words will change
The world will seem so clear
The haze surrounding your eyes will dim
To your alcohol fueled cries
Nothing will be the same as you remember
It will fill your brain with lies
Create your new reality
With dark warm liquid fueling your fire
Your dreams will be all that you desire
Sad things will fade, along with your memory
But it will all come back tomorrow

I fell into the pattern of forever and always
Forever alone and always looking for someone  to save me
To sweep me off my feet into a world that isn’t available to me and only me
But where is that? Does it exist?
Or is it just the way that falling in love tends to taint every situation into memories
Memories of you and I, memories of every single one of those nights
With different boys, and different girls
I always claimed I had the best of both worlds, but I just think I couldn’t
Stand to limit myself when looking for love
Because I could never find it
Not in the darkest corners of any relationship I had nor the brightest glimpses
The stereotypical fairytale love I was searching for didn’t exist
There was no one to treat me like a princess
But I was determined to be one
In 3 months it’ll have been a year since you’ve been gone
A year since I called you mine and I’ve moved on
I fell in love with a girl with long blonde hair
A giving heart and smile to spare
Someone who just looking at I would’ve turned away so that she was someone
I couldn’t taint
But you taught me that everyone is tainted
That a love lost is a love gained and everyone who makes your heart flutter is fair game
I wish I believed in god and in heaven
So I could pray for you to show me a sign that your as happy as I am
Because that’s why you left isn’t it?
To grow wings and fly around and be happy
Somewhere high off the ground without me
If somehow you hear this know that she’s what you told me to look for
The person who in the darkest moments won’t leave
And when I’m crying, will cry with me
I miss you, but you no longer control my heart
You told me from the start I would have to love myself before anyone could love me
Well, you never lived to see that happen
Because you were so **** unhappy
She set me free
I’m still living in this pattern of forever and always
But now it’s
I’m forever with her, loved always by me

I want to feel you breathe
I want to feel the way you laid next to me
Through the night, the weight of the world
On your shoulders but you were the one
Telling me it would be alright
Your words whispered in my ear,
Sweet nothings blinding me
To what I should've seen coming
What I could've seen coming
Now the wind howls through my hair,
And the dirt beneath me turns to mud
If I would've asked, would you have stayed?
Pain and blame smother me like a blanket
Stifling my cries
Rain falls like tears from my eyes,
Whispering the sounds of goodbyes that
I never got to say,
The memory of you shall never fade,
Even when these lonely nights
Turn into lonely days

I’ve been thinking about you lately
Walking from my room to the kitchen reminds me of that time you chased me up my stairs
Back when my bedroom was the first one you could see from the top step
I fell instantly onto my floor covered in roses laughing until I cried
Breathing in the smell of peppermint reminds me of the candy canes you put on my
car each morning with notes telling me what you loved about me
Each one signed with a silly celebrity pen name- but I always knew it was you
I’ve been wondering about God lately
Only because I almost hope that heaven exists so that you’re happy
And your soul isn’t with your body freezing below the earth in this terrible winter weather
Rotting beneath my feet when I visit you
I would rather imagine you playing football with the angels
cheering on your brother and watching over your sisters from overhead
I’ve been dreaming about you lately
Avril lavigne lyrics play in my head as you and I dance to the song that was playing
The moment we met- I never understood what it meant to fall in love at first sight
but hearing you say my name like a the click of a lighter igniting a flame
Lit something within me and I needed to be with you
I feel you clutching my hands as I wake up sobbing to my 6am alarm clock
Pulling me back to the reality that youre gone
I’ve been talking about you lately
Hearing the words pour off my tongue about our memories like they did right after you died
Brings back the hurt and the confusion over who,where, what and why
Just like that god forsaken night when you left me
Whispering our memories to anyone who will listen
Has left me broken, breaking- remembering what it feels to lose everything
And speaking your name
You know- I haven’t said your full name since you’ve died
It almost sounds like a curse if it were to fall from my lips for the first time
I’ve been crying about you lately
I miss you- the way you would race around the hood of the truck to open the door for me
I miss you- the way you always seemed to know the right thing to say
I miss you- your lips touching my forehead after I failed at all I wanted to accomplish
I miss you- each and every day- even when I don’t say it- there’s not a day you don’t cross my mind
But lately it’s been all the time

At sixteen you feel invincible, like you have the world at your fingertips
If you wanted to you could reach out and touch China- with some determination
You’ve got a car and the ability to leave your house whenever you see fit
So freedom is stamped across the open road as plain as that “Do Not Read” Stamped straight across your principals letter home to your parents

Suddenly everything that was going wrong now seems so right
Your friends are closer, that boy you’ve had a crush on forever said hi to you in the hallway- Making a blush tinge your cheeks so red you had to turn away
But you knew that he would be there tonight, so it was okay
Oh, did you forget to mention having a car, meant doing things your parents didn’t know?

Don’t hesitate to answer, we’ve all been there too
We know that the second your parents leave the house to let you go to the movies: That probably isn’t where your headed, and you probably won’t be spending the night at your best friends house telling ghost stories and doing eachothers nails- I mean, your sixteen now, and those are such childish things

Instead after you promise your mom you’ll be safe, without understanding why she’s so worried, you rush off to pick up four, or five friends to drive to that popular kids party- That always happens to be in the middle of nowhere where you’ve never been before: But go ahead, drive, turn up the music, laugh with your friends
Enjoy being a teenager

Because, you’re invincible and nothing can happen to you right?
You’ll take it back- You’ll want to take it all back in a heartbeat just to go to the movies with your best friend on a Friday night, then spend the night telling ghost stories and doing eachothers nails while gossiping about the cute boy down the street- ‘Cause the second you turn that radio up you’re tuning yourself in to become another statistic

Your head was tilted back for a picture with your friend while singing the lyrics
To one of Britney Spears’ new songs when it happened
The car came out of no where you swear, you didn’t see the stop sign
These words came out of your mouth when you woke up the next morning at the hospital- Head on collision with a car in another lane

You see when your friend had been taking the picture, your eyes were focused on the camera- Not on the road in front of your so you swerved, not only missing a stop sign: But not at all missing a car headed straight your way, no one was conscious when the police came
You’ve now lost your best friend, and a couple of others thanks to your mistake
All because having fun was a little more important than the simple task of staying safe

At sixteen you learn some of lifes biggest lessons
You find out that you’re not invincible no matter how much you thought you were- That having your license doesn’t mean you’re completely free
When you leave your house and your parents caution you its for a reason
Too many people die each day, not just from drunk driving, or being high behind the wheel
But just from being distracted from the road

That two second look away to figure out what your friends are laughing at in the back seat could cost everyone in it their lives
If you could go back you’d change it all in a second
Take heed to your parents warning and be safe
But you can’t take it back so you have to move forward

Because of what happened to you that night that changed your life
You have a message for every teen driver around the nation
Don’t be distracted, and don’t distract
You’re invincible and you don’t want to learn that
The way that I did

The night sky collapses
Clouds rolling in
The sky contorting
Lines of sun wearing thin
To shield the pain with
A cloak of darkness
Black skies distorts the rain
To look like
Tears from above
That fall so violently
Allowing my tears
To be cried silently

The way the sun hits the lake just right early in the morning
With the clouds circling their bright orange canvas
Reflecting the light right into my eyes as I stare between the trees

The way the air feels as I dip under the water
Surrounding me and restricting the way that I breathe
Pushing and gliding through the cold current beneath me

The way the blankets curve as my bed forms to me
Whispering gently the touches that cradle me to sleep
Moving like calm waves with the simple way I breathe

The way birds sing when it's raining
A thick shrill surrounding their home with noise
Making me wonder where they are and if their safe

The way a broken down black truck sputters down the highway
Roaring as the gas is pressed begging it to drive
A hunk of metal on wheels barely able to get it to drive

I wonder if the things that make me think of you matter
Even just a little bit, pressing at your mind
Do these things remind you of me, or do they even cross your mind?

*******
For taking over my mind
I can't even drive through my neighborhood
Without seeing your face
*******
For toying with my emotions
You're everywhere I turn and I can't handle it
Without crying, anymore
*******
For controlling my memories
The ones of you and I keep replaying in my mind
I can't even go to my favorite place
*******
For thinking no one cared
You were my everything, my anything
I know I ****** at showing it
*******
For leaving me so quickly
Not giving me a chance to say goodbye
Maybe I could've gotten you to stay
*******
For making me feel bad
Blaming myself for all the influence
That I never had
*******
For everything you never did
We were falling apart for a reason
You'd broken my heart
*******
For pretending that I mattered
Even when you're gone I wonder why
*******
For leaving me with unanswered questions
Did you truely love me, I will never know
*******
For being so obtuse
People really cared about you, idiot
*******
*******.

Every left aligned string of words produced by me has been tainted
Chiseled at and infiltrated by a pain i cannot describe without these words
The syllables that cling to my soul trying to preserve my long lost innocence

My only way of coping with the sadness and the hatred
That run like blood so deep in my veins it's impossible to separate from me
Is to tie together letter after letter in order to try to forget

I've always had the urge to run so far away from my problems they can't find me
Instead as an adversary of my only works of art and of my sanity
You push me

Like a mirror cracked and broken in all of the vital places you reflect me
Reminding me that I'm not the only one broken in this world
And giving me another reason to cling to whats left of my reason to live and hold on to my life

One that I so badly needed as I watched the time tick by
Lost in this cloud of darkness that surrounded me
With no way to feel my way out nor find a glimmer of light to guide me

You taught me that I didn't need a light to see
Instead you took my hand and guided me by touch
Feeling my way out of the darkest of tunnels until a light far away was visible again

If only faint, it was there for me to see after so long of pure blackness
My eyes couldn't fathom what you had shown me
So like an old habit popping up my walls came burrowing up from the ground

Like they always do in dire situations yet for once
I fought to keep them down
For in you I know I have found something I was doubting the existence of

Care, love, and passion a friendship unexplainable even in my poetry
I fight now for words to describe the debt my heart owes to you for keeping me alive
One i will never be able to repay, not that you would allow me to if i tried

For being the broken and helpless person I am somehow I helped you too
The two of us fumbling for words and life couldn't be more thankful to have found each other
Where our two worlds coincide is where we will now be lost forever

That hand in the darkness saved me, now those eyes in the light
Push me forward when every fiber of my being wants to retreat
To forget about promises I've made and run back into trying to forget

To turn back into a person I was long ago where death was my only friend
Where love was a syllable only uttered with lost and my heart was always breaking
Now instead I've found reason for it to heal

Remembering all of the past I fought so hard to forget it
Has made moving forward much easier
Now every shuffled step I take is toward the light instead of away from it

Because now I am viable to admit that it is there
For once in my life I have hope that everything is going to be okay
Yet my tendency to act like everything already is okay

Still perpetrates my bones
I'm an actress at heart and the world is my stage
Feelings and emotions are my lines to be portrayed

I would win an award for best actress if they judged on this kind of show
But still you fight to keep me alive even as I try to hide and lie
Somehow I think you see the truth inside of me

For I must admit
Any person who would guide my through the darks and depths of my tunnel of death
Knows more about me then I do about myself some days

So I guess these words are trying to utter thank you
For saving me in ways that no one else has ever tried nor been able to
These three lined verses are no stranger to hatred or sadness or love

But they have never seen the likes of a poem of pure friendship
A different kind of love that has never entered the strings of lines
I tend to write, so scared to share or even press enter

I have nothing left to give or say
For everything these words have said say it all
You saved me from something I wouldn't have survived otherwise

Thank you.

I haven't been able to think about you without crying
To look at your picture on my wall was too painful
It may have been better if you had died, like Dominick

But you didn't, no you still exist
Strong and persistant in my memory and alive and well somewhere else
I wonder if you meant all those hurtful words you said

I saw pictures of you today happy and smiling
Did I really make your life a sad dark hell?
Or is that just what you're telling yourself

Is that just your sad pathetic excuse
For giving yourself a reason to cut me loose
Because we were drifting a part so slowly

You were the only person who knew me that well
To know the little words that would **** me
So you made sure to say them, knew what insults to spew

I'm starting to think you wanted me to hate you
You told me not to cry, but you knew I would
I'm telling myself all the things you knew I would

That i'm a horrible person, I don't deserve to be loved
That all of my efforts were wasted, never enough
But I hope you know, I'm not the only one I blame

I'm not dense enough to think friendships are one way
You could've made an effort, you could've made a step
Hell there are so many different things you even could've just said

Let me know where we were headed, cause I didn't even know
But instead you left me here all alone
Justifying your actions with the things that killed me

Along with stupid other petty things
You said you feel "I'm adjusting just fine"
Then suggested you'll live your life, and I'll live mine

Whatever happened to the days, for thirteens years
Where we were like family through blood sweat and tears
Your mom isn't there for me like another mom anymore

All of your selfish (or was it selfless) motives closed that door
I keep blaming myself, I rant and then I blame you
I go down the long list of all the stupid reasons why our firendship is through

And what it boils down to, is we bit off more then we could chew
This distance was too much for us it tore us both apart
You were just the stronger one, for finally freeing your heart

We’re a vicious cycle constantly repeating
Never ending, leaving me dreaming
We fight, we cry, we make up, you lie
I tell you I love you one more time
Truth be told, I don’t know who you are
But truth be told you left a scar
I don’t break easy, yet you tore me apart
Would I have changed my mind had I known from the start?
Every ounce of you pulled me in
Had me believing this was it
Then day by day, month by month
I’d fall a little deeper every time
We laughed, we yelled, we kissed , you lied
Never ending, leaving me dreaming
We’re a vicious cycle constantly repeating

There's a beauty behind wearing your heart on your sleeve
Where everyone can see your ever scar and wonder what led you here
Where the darkness collides with the clouds of dreamers
In a world where the mirrors are what portray the meaning behind
Every coldly uttered word, or softly whispered love song
Mirrors that turn words into pictures that recreate the memories
We all try so hard to hide behind, that haunt us in the darkest of times
Cigarette smoke burns our lungs and our eyes as we smoke away our
Memories flying away on the wings of our dreams from these times
When our hearts are so broken we forget that we can breathe
Without the feel of the nicotine or the sting of the liquor that we
Inhale to drown out the thoughts of them, the people we can't quite forget
The ones who we feel laying beside us in our nightmares, and the ones
We write poetry about in our day dreams during the daylight
When we can't hide behind the darkness of the sky
We all want to live a life we will never forget but we all tend to get
Caught up in the moments of falling in love and trying to forget all the ones
Who forget to remember us, even as the years go on their faces
Will haunt us as the ones who got away, because they all do
As much as we'd give for everyone to stay, our hearts and our souls
Battered and bruised from the abuse cause them all to turn and run
Footsteps falling down the silent hall way farther away as the sun comes up
Because in the light, the beauty of wearing your heart on your sleeve
Turns into the curse of always just wanting to go back to sleep

Tears cascade down my mascara stained cheeks
As I scream into my already wet pillow
Your name eases from my lips in a whisper
The very contrast to all the memories whirling within
Tornado like winds take over my mind
Removing any other thought, or possibility- all thats left is you

Your memory teasing me with detailed images of your smile
Something that was erased for so long I forgot it existed
Dimples tugging at the corners of your thin pink lips
As they framed your blinding white teeth, as straight as a picket fence
All thanks to three years of pain and torture of metal
That you whined about at every moment possible

But even when you whined, I couldn't take my attention away
Hypnotized by the sunset gleaming in your ever changing colored eyes
Reminding me that the world exists outside of your arms
Though I never wanted it to, I wanted to stay
To feel the warmth of the inside of that dreary black jacket
As long are your arms were at home there too

Home took on a different meaning with you
One that meant late summer nights with our minds among the stars
On a barely exinsistant landing strip
Dedicated as our towns sad excuse for an airport
Never did we see a plane, though we hoped
Sadly plotting that if we ever were so lucky it would show us the way out
Into a world that we hardly knew because we were both here
Stuck in a one horse town with people whose every name we knew

And then you were gone
Swept away with the changing of the tides from fall to winter
The seasons change without passing because my mind doesn't see
My eyes only exist glazed over in long lost memories
Days like death I would pray to forget if I ever thought that God did exist
And early morning hours I wish I could remember

Where ever you are now I hope you know this
Whether you're six feet below me or a thousand above
Your name rings in my ears every second of every day
Never forgetting the promises we made, or the games that we played
Tricking each other into believing that forever did exist
Never forgetting the times you made me laugh because you were stupid
Or the kisses that I never could seem to resist no matter how mad I was

We were robbed by depression that gripped your soul
It dug in its sharpened claws and snatched away the purest of hearts
Within months that raced by like moments it drained you
Like the longest of droughts drains the deepest of rivers
Away went the days of love and sanity and in came the hurricane of hate
Tearing apart everything that we had and throwing it a thousand feet away

Who knows where we would be now if you had managed to escape
To find your way, even broken or damaged, back into the eyes of that
Golden haired hero I could not tear my eyes away from
Even when you were preoccupied across the room hidden from my sight
I was fixated on you

Now that has translated into fixation of my brain
Onto memories and horror and pain that I can't find any way to contain
So I cry on nights like tonight when I can't get away
The dam of a facade I apply with my makeup every day fades
Into a twisted crumpled hurt of never understanding
Why you're still always on my mind

Hazy dream like memories are crushed by the terrors of fights
Then mended by the paintings of us on those late nights
Broken and shattered by screams we both regret
No matter what ever the flashback consists of
It is running through my mind, chased out only by
Shrieks into my soaked stained pillow
And never drying eyes

I hope you know i hate you
Your words engraved into my mind
The ones that said goodbye
My hearts not gonna forgive you this time
Every wrong turn I seem to take
Leads me to somethin worse
The map is wrong and my instincts broken
My happy ending, is on the other side of the world
So you're just another boy
Who gets part of my heart as a token
But this time, i'm givin you a piece of my mind
Saying some words that need to be spoken
Get over yourself, get a life, get a job
Get out of mine, it's about ******* time
You're pathetic, you're stupid, you're not worth these tears
Or these wasted years
Don't tell me- I'm not good enough, (you never could lie)
Just get the **** out, of my life
Her lipgloss, on your neck
How the hell did we become this wreck
What a mess, no changing the past
You promised, we would last
You said, you wouldn't break my heart like the last guy
..Did you know he said that too?
Get over yourself, get a life, get a job
Get out of mine, it's about ******* time
You're pathetic, you're stupid, you're not worth these tears
Or these wasted years
Don't tell me- I'm not good enough, (you never could lie)
Just get the **** out, of my life

We're dreamers because we seek things we've never seen
Choose to push ourselves in directions of seemingly unattainable things
Always flyings hours away for things we could get right down the road
Because only with the changing scenary do we ever feel at home

As children our goals were never to be teachers or mommies
Instead we dreamt of dancing on broadway or touching the surface of the moon
With our heads in the clouds numbers of our peers
Continued to try to pull us down, and crash us into the dirt below their feet

But we stayed aloft in the air above their heads
Pushing our eyes into books, and our minds into places we'd never been
Dreaming of the days when we can free ourselves from being stuck
In the small towns we are born in, where the roads all seem to lead to the same places

If you're wondering who the dreamers around you are
Since we're approaching our final destination in this town, our senior year
You can find us finally at rest, at peace, stress levels seemingly at ease
With the knowledge that after this year we will finally be out of here

Us dreamers, we're the ones that have pushed ourselves beyond
Beyond what we thought we could do so we can get into our schools outside of this state, away from the fields that seem to surround us and the small resteraunts we've been to so many times that the waiters and waitress' know our names and what we like to eat

Whether we're flying away to the east coast for New York, the west coast
For LA, north, south or even to just a bordering state, we're the ones leaving
Going to places where no one knows our names because thats where we belong
In places where our identities are brand new, and we can start blank

Because in our minds as dreamers this town has never been enough for us
Some of us have stuck together like glue, but many of you never understood
So we were the backside of your jokes and the endurers of your pranks
Simply because we chose to push ourselves and not join in your childish games

We're dreamers because we see life outside of this town
Limits to where we will go and what we will be don't exist and never have
Joining family businesses or waiting tables will never be our career goals
Instead we will be the ones who visit town twice a year to see our families then leave

Jet off to our lives as broadway singers, astronauts, scientists and lawyers
Even as little kids we could set ourselves apart- when our teachers told us how these jobs were not realistic we told them it didn't matter
Because those were are dreams, and even as little kids we knew we were dreamers

And we would make our dreams could become a reality.

Reading your words, dripping with sincerity
The way you described your love for her
Makes me wonder how you breathe
The darkness that surrounds you
Demons picking at your heart
Nothing shows it clearly
Except words from your heart
Puzzle pieces fitting
Pictures becoming clear
Dreams once full of life and happiness
Collapsed when she was no longer there
Things that became so easy
Left your heart cold and bare
The touch of her hand could ignite you
Now it would tear you to shreds
There colors of your eyes fade to gray
Whenever someone reminds you of her
You forget the words to say
Whenever someone says her name
There is no shame in hurting
There is no shame in pain
When it's driving you insane
I never would've have figured it out
I still don't have you figured out
I'll never have you figured out
Because you hide it so well
But the words that speak from your soul
Are the only things that will tell
Because you're lying
Even to yourself

I hope you know I'm lying
When I whisper I'm okay
I'll tell everyone I'm fine
No need to worry anyone
But the pictures in my mind
Say the paim has just begun
Painted heavily
With reds, blacks and your name
Twisted images filled with shades of gray

You make me wonder what would become
If I were just to fade
Watch the light fade from my eyes
Slowly slip from my disguise
Parade into the afterlife
Press a little harder with this knife

Seeing your picture on my wall
Makes me question living at all
If nothing matters and I'm not worth it
As everyone agrees
I will give up on everything
As I fall upon my knees

Here's to the pain you left behind
And the way he persists
These words have scared them I guarentee
But they'll make me stronger
Like these cuts and the way I bleed
Just wait, wait and see

You may have killed me but
Only I can set me free

Here's the end of the end, my breaths are slowing down
I can't take it anymore, we've been trying, going around and around
But you still bring tears to my eyes, and I hate you more each day
There is only one way to make all of this pain go away
I'm fighting the urge to push, pull and scream
Why don't you just get the hell away from me
My heart is locked up in this tiny little box
Bars all around, with a giant key, that I started to hand to you
Until you broke me, trying to get in, you tried to force me
Love doesn't come with screams
It comes with whispers and gentle touches, kisses that give me rushes
The end of this battle is coming near, I can see the sky it's clear
Rising up to heaven as I make another cut
I wonder who will find me
Blood spilled on the carpet, dying it crimson
Your name carved on my skin a memory a sin
Remember these words you've said to me
You can do anything if you believe
This is what I chose to do, because of what you
Did
To
Me.

You'll never understand why I love you
The broken pieces of your heart fight to breathe
So hard that they can't take the time to stop and think
To understand all the amazing parts of you
The way you listen with every ounce of your soul,
and the way you laugh like the sound of a melody
Your strength amazes me as you prevail over obstacle after obstacle

Yet you continue to wonder why
You question how someone could find you so amazing
When you do not see the light from within yourself
But I wish that you would because it shines so bright

I've never met another soul like mine
Until now, i've met you
Broken, beat, shattered and torn apart
You still would stand out in a crowd
Though you've pieced yourself together
Your jagged thoughts and jagged words jar me

Words are not enough to describe it
Just like any other emotion
But I love you because you're strong,
Caring sensitive and understanding
The way that you laugh, and make me live up to myself
I love you  because you're the best person i've ever met
genuine in heart and in soul
The lessons you've taught me about love and regret

I love you because you're my best friend
These words seem so shallow, they lack meaning and depth
A picture paints a thousand words so here it is
A picture that hasn't quite been taken yet

Two people laying side by side on a bed
Laptops placed strategically playing music
They glance at their screens, then glance at eachother
Realizing they've been in silence they laugh
They hadn't even noticed
The comfort surrounds them as they fall into fits of laughter
About things that wouldn't matter to anyone else
The picture is taken then
As they laugh with eachother about nothing at all
It's amazing the meaning behind something so small

I know you'll ask the question again
I hope that answers your question

I don't know if I like showing up in your poetry
It's beautifully carved words echoing my actions
My name demeaned by "you"
Reading lines of how your worried
Laced within meaning to harsh and scared
It stops me from breathing in

Its not that I don't approve
Hell, I'm glad she makes you smile
I'm just going through more then I have in awhile
The anvil on my chest is making it hard for me to talk
And easy for me to sleep my life away
When I escape to dreams it's weight can't hurt me

That's where I was last night
My eyes closed and dozing soundly
Not ignoring your texts or cursing your name
Don't try and assign yourself the blame
For thoughts that don't exist

You're used to people running
Like this time of year they usually do
But if you would only turn around
I'm here, standing right behind you

I can't stand beside you and hold your hand
For reasons you'll never understand
But i'm here and i'm not leaving

Don't write me off so easy

Go ahead and focus on her
Everything she needs is your every beckon call
I'm not important
I don't have dreams or things I want to do
She's the one that you need to pay attention too
I love her, and I know that you do too
But I ******* hate coming in last to everything else
That you need to do
The house, her, the chores, him, work
Is there even time for me anymore?
I'm suffering and you haven't even noticed
Igornance is bliss, i guess
I have a few more things I need to do
Before I get out of your hair
And you wonder why, I'm so dead set
On getting out of here

you make me remember
care breathe and think
when all i want is to forget
drink my worries away
and not give a ****
it is better your way
but more fun with mine
i wish you would go away
so i could have a good time
and not feel guilty for fun
*** or sleeping the day away
stop trying to make things okay

When wind whips through your hair
Covering your eyes so you can't see
Tangling your thick hair into waves
That i can't help but want to touch
I've lost myself in you
Imagining the sound of your laugh
Buzzing like a harmony against the rocks
Echoing with the sound of your favorite place
Hidden in the depths or our secret moments
I've been mesmerized by you
Songs that you like to blare fill the morning air
When I wake up from my nightmares
Scratching and screaming in my sleep
Begging for it  not to be real as you slip from my grasp
I'm haunted by you
The clock silent clicks the seconds away
Counting down to our shallow goodbye
When no words can describe the pain we will be feeling
Leaving someone who has grown so close
I've gotten attached to you
A friend, A lover, A label all your own
You have wiped away the tears
Kissed away the fears and broken dreams
And shared with me the darkest of nights
I am greatful for you
Without you I would surely not survive
Facing lowely empty lonely nights
Days without an anchor to hold my mind in place
My heart would break, my soul would fall apart at the seams
I've realized you mean everything to me.

It kills me that you don't understand
When you're all I have left
I've lost everyone and everything in this past year
You cry because everyone has left you
Well I'm crying because everyone has left me too
I have no one but you and I don't know where to turn
Because you're trying to pull away
Who am I to say no
To what makes you happy, so go
You don't even realize I'm dying inside
Because I have no one left
They all walked out the door, or I pushed them
I don't have anywhere to turn when you aren't around
And that scares me
What am I supposed to do on nights like these
I want friends to turn to
But I watched them all leave and I let them
I don't know what to do
So I'm going to let you go too
I can't drag you down in this crashing plane
The faces of friends past driving me insane
Have a good life, it's been a nice while it lasted
Goodbye
That's the only word i can think to say to the one
Person i have left
Isn't that just ******* fantastic?

You make me hurt
You make me crave
You make me want to see a meaning within every
Wasted line in every dark moment I've left behind
You make me wonder
You make me wish
You make me want to run head first into a brick wall
With only prayers and a hard head to save me from dying
You make me scream
You make me cry
You make me want to write you an angry poem just so I
Can feel the hatred dripping like blood out of every line
You make me ponder
You make me hate
You make me want to hate everything that I am and everything
That I have let myself become since out deterioration

I want to hate you
But instead I crave you
I pull myself deep inside every moment I have alone
To disect every thought I've ever had to find a meaning
I want to wonder about better things
but you make me wish for you
I find myself running toward a wall over and over only to hit
It again and again but each time still hoping it will be different
I want to scream my hatred for you
But instead I cry out your name
I can't gain control enough to make myself dispell you from my
Ever present memory long enough to convince myself I don't need you
I want to ponder life without you
But you make me hate life itself
I want to become someone new someone better then myself because
You killed me and won't let me remember anything else

You have changed my mind
The darkness stops time
As I sit at our spot by myself
Wondering, just what the hell you were thinking
What the hell are you thinking
Every bone in mybody aches to touch you
But I wont, I'll watch from far away and hope
Relentlessly and stupidly that you'll notice me
But you won't
You're stupid in every way that common sense provides
Facts though, barracde your every line
Littered with vocabulary I don't understand
Your words still make it hard for me to stand
Weak at the knees, I can't forget
You don't know about me yet
I'm right here in front of you, as you wander off
Looking for someone to love
If I were to hand this poem to you,
You would think it was about someone else
Beg me to tell you, show you who
Who knows I may even lie to you, give you a name
Show you a face all to carry on my charade
But you haunt my dreams and my love scenes
Yet you'll never be with me
Here's to you

"Our poetry isn't coherent
Because neither are our lives"
So sorry if you've been trying
To keep up, I know they don't
Make sense, A riddle to your mind
A clear clean detox of mine
From thoughts to paper
Emotions and honesty show
My story
Through words that don't make sense
And few poems that I'm proud of
As my life gets confused so do my thoughts
So there goes my ability
To wrote decent poetry

It doesn't mean a thing
Just kiss me, come here hold me close
Hold my hand, I wanna feel your skin
I need you, to want me
Your kiss brings me to my knees
Cause you know just what to do
To make me want you
Theres no boundaries with you
I can let go and be myself
I don't have to be anyone else
Yet you don't make me explain myself
It doesn't mean a thing
We'll forget about it in the morning
But tease eachother about it tomorrow
I want you, to hate me
Feel the pain beneath my skin rising up
Scratching and biting
You make my head spin
But not in the way I'm used to feeling
Not overthinking, it doesn't matter
You're not like anyone else
We have an understanding, just kiss me
It doesn't mean a thing

I have this route memorized
The twists and turns of the road
Play over in my mind, from the
Many times I have traveled this before
The shadow of all doubts
Lay behind in my wake
While the road to happiness always seems to change
The road to trouble, always leads the same way
First a turn, then a twist
Then a beer, then a kiss
The numbness over-powers me
Memories fade to black,
I don't remember what I did
Maybe thats the reason why
I always come back- or maybe
The twists and turns of this road
Lead me to be free, of this routine
Every day reality

Get a grip
You’re falling
I can’t catch you
I can only watch you slip away
Watching you drown yourself
Words over head
Heels over words
Crying as you think
Of all the things you wish
That you could say
You keep it inside
Throw it around
It’s driving you crazy
And pulling you down
The water rising
I can’t pull you out
I promised I’d save you
But you don’t want to be saved
Keep making decisions
Without thinking first
This situation
Is only getting worse
Take a breath, and mean it
Keep yourself alive
I promised I’d save you
But only you can save you
This time

I wish that I could fall asleep
The cold air surrounding me
Thoughts of you circle with the wind
Never leaving me alone
Always following me home
Where you don't belong
Your face painted in my dreams
My thoughts of you all wrong
Down to that glimmer in your eyes
The way your hands feel on my thighs
All I want is for you to stay
All I want is for you to go away
I wish that I could fall asleep
Without thoughts of you haunting me
And taking over my innocent dreams

I told him the way I truly felt
And unlike every single other guy
He was finally happy for me
Maybe its because this time it wasn't
About him, or maybe because it was true

He understands how I feel about this
About me and you
How i wish that everything was different
That this hadn't happened this way
I wonder if then I'd feel okay

Kissing you drives me wild
This is the best way I've felt in awhile
These bedroom walls are cheering
Your name whispers over in my head
As I'm trying to clear my mind

You never were good at leaving me alone
Even in the darkest nights you've shone
But it's not just you i'm feeling this for
Which is where this gets confusing

I'm not sure what this means
So don't get angry with me
I'll go hide in my corner, and not tell you a thing
No matter how much you deserve to know
Because I'm afraid of the consequences
You're not him
And somehow  I don't think you'd be

Nearly as happy

Why do I haunt myself with this pain?
Your every memory replays in my every day
Not the harmless, sweet and boring ones
But the ones that rear their heads like a poison tongue
Dripping acid on my brain and watching it deteriorate
To only be able to play your dark washed memory
Even six feet under you still control my every move
Echoing my motions with the words of you
Images of you disturb my sight
Thrusting me into inevitable sickness and fright
Yet I continue to push myself to remember
Driving by your house each night
Seeing your old truck parked on the side of the street
Remembering all the times right there you kissed me
I'm leading myself to my own demise
In the form of you which I'm beginning to despise
I can't rid myself of your name engrained so heavily in my brain
That can only be why I'm haunted so deeply by this pain

Dear you;
A year ago yesterday we met. Over 10 months we became as close as any two people can get. Sure, we had our fights, but didn't you know that I loved you? It breaks my heart to think about you now. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? I was trying so hard to show you that I loved you. That I didn't want to live without you. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. My pride stood in my way. After watching you walk away time and time again, I didn't want to get hurt. Instead I saw you get hurt. Not by me but by yourself. What were you thinking as you popped those pills? Did you know that it was going to end everything? I want you to know that I think about you every day. You haunt me, because I blame myself. No matter how many different people tell me in different ways that it's not my fault I believe that it is. It hurts to even consider the fact that if I had been a little nicer, if I had made a little more time for you. You would still be here. Having to watch your mother cry while they put your body in the ground killed me. It hurt my heart. No mother should ever out-live their child. How did I not know that the pain was getting this bad? I was supposed to be your best friend, your girlfriend, your everything. We were supposed to be inseparable. But we weren't. Truth is we barely talked anymore, we were growing apart, we were so close to breaking up. I haven't told anyone that. It makes me feel guilty. My friends know- but your parents- why cause them any more grief? The pain of losing you was enough. Not just for them, but for me. I was angry at you for awhile. Thinking you were selfish, to want to end your life so badly no matter how it would effect anyone else. But what I see now is that truly I was the selfish one. I'm sorry. I am. I wish I would've seen it coming. I wish I would've done something differently. I wish you were still here. I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could stop crying. I wish you weren't dead.
Love always,
Stephanie.