Songs that he played
That you use to hate
Now are your favorites
Because he is gone

Please don't ask me to explain myself to you dear,
I'm not as put together as you imagine that I am.
I'm torn and burned and scraped and lost and more then slightly tattered.
Then again we are all a little broken
, but I can't and won't tell you just how hurt I am.
Because I don't want you to look at me that way.
The way people look at broken things
with sympathy and sadness and hints of "I feel sorry for you"
The way They look at me now...
I won't have you do the same.
If that means that I have to pull away a bit
and hide in the back of the sage.
I guess that's fine.
I just don't  want you to look down on me...
Not you too...

Show me the peace of mind that I lack.
Apart I am weak and wondering and shuttering and stuttering.
And at time's I am very alone.
More panic attacks.
More feelings I'm stuck muttering as others are meddling.
Not having a life of my own.
not completely
although maybe bleakly.

So please show me the peace of mind I can't find for myself.
Stay my mind I beg you
because the alternative is... Unspeakable.
Stay my mind for me. I don't have the strength to do it myself.

Self-pity is so easy. Comes so quickly. Flows so hazily.
From now on that stops.
Maybe it's time I learn a thing or two...
and begin to stay my own mind.

How in moment can I be drained of all happiness?
My relaxed body be replaced with tense muscles.
So tight that they numb my arms and legs.
Sickened without reason.
Have I always been this way or is this new?
Have my moods always changed on a whim?
Like a lost girl searching for a way home.
But I can't find it. I'm lost, I end up somewhere between
fear, anger, sadness, and sprinkles of good feelings.
I end up stuck in the bog of misery.
Caught again in it's grasp until it wants to let me feel real again.
Again and again. Back and forth, that's how my mood swings.

Why is it then when I try to write a happy poems
the words they don't flow as well.
My mind over the influence of pain
keeps me under to drown again.
Until I'm close to destruction of self.
Then It lifts me above water for a breath.
Only to sink me under again.
Giving me just enough air to breath.

Am I what they say I am?
Am I what they think I am?
Am I what there looks of disproval appear to hold?
Why must they look at me like I'm not good enough?
Why must they treat me in the same manner?
My energy drains...
Is their disproval all in my head?
Maybe...
Maybe....
But until I know for sure....
I guess all I do be...
I guess all I can do...
Is be good enough for me.

Another day...
I need to calm down...
Lost again?
Harder to breath..
Wanting to leave again...
Deep breaths...
Please sooth me...
I need the dread to leave.