youre probably going to dance with another girl who will taste like fresh picked strawberries and you will smell flowers blossom in her hair
and youre probably going to choke down 5 straight shots of ***** and get the thought of me out of ur head and focus on the girl who is dancing with you who wants to be your apple pie but you cant see diamonds in her eyes because youre staring at the ones hanging from her neck. and you cant feel her pull you in closer because shes reaching farther behind your dark head of hair and tapping shoulders of random guys shes never even met.
and when this happens i hope you run to the dingy bathroom and splash your face with ***** water and ***** up the words you never said because while youre out drowning your heart in thinngs i shouldnt care about, im here looking at the moon whispering how much i ******* love you.
and if you take her home i swear to god the moonlight will keep you awake no matter what time it is and youll watch it shine across your room floor where we danced and laughed and i almost told you that you were my night sky.
and i hope the light catches your attention more than the sight of her would and i hope when you wake up all you remember is that roses are my favorite scented flower and you cannot escape the light of the moon no matter how hard you try.

and it was truly a mystery,
the way she held it all together
she was so unpredictable
the type to give you butterflies
no, stronger.
heavy rope knots in the pit of your stomach
an uneasy feeling that you somehow became addicted to.
she always left you breathless
at first you questioned it
is it worth it?
but when you made her laugh, she'd light up like no other
she'd glow like the rare full moon
a sight everyone went out to see
almost making you believe in the fiction known as werewolves
oh, she could lure them all without even trying.
she'd yell at you for starring at her
but when you closed your eyes she's all you could see
and you desired to see nothing else.
when she grabbed you and spun you around
she was the only thing in focus
the only thing you were sure of.
you no longer felt the need to look at the sky each night
because you already saw the stars gleam in her eyes.
she made you feel every emotion possible
but the one you felt strongest, she wasn't capable of.
she was so afraid, but never spoke of it
that's what hurts you the most.
she spewed hurtful, toxic words
but never enough to make you leave.
she couldn't fake the anger, it was too much.
she was like a puzzle you almost complete
only to realize there are missing pieces
and you just can't make out the image.
you lost your mind trying to figure out hers.
addicted to the feeling
the lingering presence of her
you couldn't get enough
and brought yourself over the edge.
unaware of the time that had passed
you opened your eyes to a dark room
and now all you're left with are the memories
on replay.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it