spahrkling: Favorites

Oct 2013 spahrkling

I am

Oct 2013 spahrkling

NitaAnn

I am

I am a high-maintenance client.
I am a sad scared little girl.
I am an angry rebellious teenager.
I am a self-reliant woman with above average intelligence.
I am sad and small.
I am overbearing and demanding.
I am questioning and untrusting.
I am sarcastic and amusing.
I am outgoing and reserved.
I am determined and strong but also fearful and weak.
I am honest but withholding.
I am compassionate and giving and yet also hard and cold.
I am stubborn and willful.
I hide behind the facade of a woman I want to be.
I feel nothing and too much at the same time.
I am the life of the party but never really present.
I am beautiful crystal on the outside but shards of broken glass on the inside.
I will endure a hurricane to take away someone else’s pain and turmoil
and yet I cannot seem to do the same for myself.*

I am the product of a man who wanted me in controlling and abusive ways.

Oct 2013 spahrkling

Uncertainty

Oct 2013 spahrkling

tdf

Uncertainty

What is a friend who loves you,
when you have no kindness left?
or a man that desires you,
but to care, is considered theft?

Is family really forever?
I cannot love a missing father.
Nor one that has replaced,
and destroyed an identity in a culture.

Am I selfish to be alone?
These feelings are conflicting.
I've reached the point of a mind,
that is purposely forgetting.

I don't want to have attachments,
for I want to be nobody.
To find serenity in a world
where everybody craves somebody.

soz ma

Oct 2013 spahrkling

Inside thoughts

Oct 2013 spahrkling

Olivia Rose

Inside thoughts

I like the people who tend to never speak

always thinking never talking

why do we silence the ones with sense

with knowledge

with emotion

with a sense of love

theyre like rabbits always running away

but from what?

the big shadow of pressure?

with the hate that comes today

Oct 2013 spahrkling

Things that I suffer from because of SAD

Oct 2013 spahrkling

raiiindrops

Things that I suffer from because of SAD

Full places
2. Having to answer the phone
3. When the teacher says "find a partner"
5. The deep, nervous and bad feeling in my throat when I'm outside
6. Ordering at restaurants
7. Not being able to smile back at people so I look down and smile at the ground like an idiot
8. Am I breathing too loudly?
9. When I feel confident about going somewhere, but the closer I get, the more nervous+sick I feel
10. Trying to talk to someone in a group of people, but I don't because I'm afraid I will look ridiculous
12. When someone doesn't text back. So up convince myself that they don't like you
13. Not being able to eat in front of anyone
14. When I'm going to bed+all of a sudden my mind filled with thoughts of things that could go wrong the next day
15. Walking with my eyes fixed on the floor so you I avoid eye contact with other people
16. The never ending fear that the teacher will force me to speak or do something in front of the whole class
17. Not reading loud in class because everyone stares and hears how nervous am I
18. Hearing people laugh behind me so I'm assuming its at me
19. Waiting rooms
20. When the teacher calls on me go answer something during class
21. When I can't walk in the hallways at school because I feel like everyone is judging me
22. When the teacher says "if you don't start raising your hands, I'm going to have to call on random people
24. Having great conversations with someone over text,but being afraid to hang out with them because I think they won't like me in person
25. Attempting to say "hello" back when someone suddenly greets me and end up just looking to the person without the ability to talk
26. Constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up
27. Playing out conversations in my head before meeting people
28. Leaving the house
29. Eye contact
30. Walking on my own and feeling like everyone is watching me
31. Not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk to people
32. When the teacher is taking the register in alphabetical order and I know my name is coming up
33. Thinking everyone in the room is talking about me
34. Holding in coughs in class so I don't draw attention to myself
35. Checking my phone because I don't know what to do with my hands
36. Knowing the answer to the teachers question but being terrified to raise my hand and draw attention to myself
37. Constantly feeling like the pressure is on me to start conversations
38. Feeling like everything is my fault
39. Being scared of not being able to get out of a room full of people
40. Being scared of sitting next to a stranger
41. Being afraid of seeing someone I know
42. Getting anxiety during lunch, so I feel sick and I don't eat, which makes me more anxious cause people will judge me for not eating
43. Being scared to go anywhere in case I have a panic attack
44. Not eating in school
45. Entering class late
46. Avoiding crowded events
47. May having a panic attack in school

Officially diagonsed with social phobia/SAD

Oct 2013 spahrkling

Silent all these years...

Oct 2013 spahrkling

NitaAnn

Silent all these years...

My mouth opens but nothing comes out....
I am not sure why but I am unable to speak now.

Instead the willful arrogant one shows you her face ~ the one you call 'petulant'.  You do not understand how much pain there is inside of this body, how could you, when the parts who hold the pain are no longer allowed to speak to you.  Instead the ill-tempered one talks; you find her to be 'annoying' and peevish, in fact, it seems as though she feels the need to be on defense all the time.  She is contemptuous in her behavior shielding any feelings of vulnerability from you with her supercilious speech.

She stands behind the wall that has been rebuilt between you and her and the wall is made of brick, the mortar solid and unforgiving.   If you could see behind the icy blue of her eyes as they tell you confidently that she is doing well…if you could see behind her, you would be able to see that all is not okay. You would be able to see that she is not a petulant child, but rather a frightened girl, teenager, woman. You would be able to see that the arrogance and cockiness of her speech and stance, her willfulness…is a defense tactic.  If you could see behind the brick wall you would see that she feels like she has tumbled backwards and she has lost her voice.

BEHIND THE WALL:
She is not defensive...she is scared.
She is not petulant...she is guarded.
She is not confident...she is uncertain.

If you could see behind the wall, you could see that she waited years for someone to come into her life and tell her that it was okay to tear down that wall.  Behind the wall she chokes back tears of sadness and shakes in fear.  Behind the wall she hides in dark corner...afraid she has now become one more casualty in this ****** war as she struggles to once again find her voice.

Oct 2013 spahrkling

I don't need you to understand … but I need you to care

Oct 2013 spahrkling

NitaAnn

I don't need you to understand … but I need you to care

I don’t need you to understand, all I need is for you to care,
I need you to help me now, this ME…open, vulnerable… laid bare.
Break the barrier; break through the wall when I push back with all my might,
Push me to the limit; I need to learn to fight. Make me face my demons and all the things I hate,
If you help me now, it just may be my clean slate.
Please push me out of the fire and pull me into the light,
But when it gets scary I need you to pull me close and hold me really tight.
I may lash out in anger, I may scream and I may cry,
But this is my defense…don’t give up on me, please try.
I want to live a life worth living, I want to be reborn,
And yet I also feel deep down inside me, a part of me is torn.
That part of me wants to keep my defenses and my self-destructive ways,
Another part knows that in the end, it is only me that pays.
But at night the darkness surrounds me and drags me to its core,
And I feel so alone and scared hiding on the bathroom floor.
He holds me down and has his way with me,
I feel like I am dying, or maybe I’m already dead.
Evil lurks beside me, it whispers in my ear,
The words they speak cut through me, and I live in constant fear.
Please help me feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, help remove the veil,
Convince me that the darkness I live in will only last a while.
Reach your hand into my soul help release this rage,
Help me find the key to unlock the door, close the chapter, and write a brand new page.
I know the first step is the hardest but don’t give up just yet,
It’s so hard for me to trust you… to believe in the end recovery is what I’ll get.
Over and over again I fall,
I scream and shout and doubt you, when you say I’m learning to stand tall.
But don’t give up on me now I still need you please don’t put me back on the shelf,
Every night when the darkness comes, I give up on myself.

Oct 2013 spahrkling

It is not what "I" did...it is who "I" was...

Oct 2013 spahrkling

NitaAnn

It is not what "I" did...it is who "I" was...

As a child I did not know whether it was the act itself or the knowledge that I was the receptacle for malevolence and cruelty that made me so vulnerable. At first I thought it was God's punishment for something I had done. I took an inventory, desperately seeking the deed that triggered the retribution. But I could not identify a single act. Even my accumulated errors, transgressions and unkindness’s did not exact the cost. Then I understood: if I could not isolate a deed, or pattern of deeds, commanding the punishment, it must be me. It is not what I did. It is who I was...a fundamentally, intrinsically and irredeemably bad little girl. I negotiated my adolescence and early adulthood with the mathematical symbol for "less than" (<) attached.

I would like to be able to write that I am no longer negotiating my adulthood with the same mathematical symbol attached. But that would be a lie. It is pervasive. It is formidable. And if I do not keep it contained, I am so afraid it will be debilitating….I've been down that road a time or two. At times it has enveloped me, penetrating my pores and drowning everything essential and vital inside.

Undisturbed, it is docile, sated. But aroused by even the slightest hint of beauty or strength or grace it is a painful reminder that I am...somehow...contemptible...that I am still fundamentally, intrinsically and incorrigibly...what? Flawed, imperfect & bad? You may say, "But we are all flawed and imperfect. And our flaws and imperfections make us more interesting...more truly beautiful...more human." And perhaps you are right, but this inexorable deprivation makes me somehow subhuman... less than human...permanently broken. I am a receptacle for malice.

I skillfully deflect praise directed my way, an effort to soothe the inescapable conflict inside. Moderate praise induces a subtle twinge of embarrassment; more effusive praise incites the consuming and agonizing feeling that I am irreparably damaged, hopelessly broken. It has contaminated, compromised and diminished every accomplishment, soiled every success. People sometimes tell me that I am humble and that it is an admirable trait. But the modesty and humility they identify helps me to mask the mortification stirring inside. I have gotten so good at hiding it from others that I have nearly learned to conceal it even from myself.

At least that is what it feels like...right now.