thought it was supposed to be good to look back
blast from the past
and maybe it is
a good thing to do to look back
and remember everything
and improve as they say
but is it really o worth it
when looking back just
hurts and hurts and hurts
and aches and leaves you shaking
at 2am unable to stop crying and remembering
oh god oh god
i remember it now
all the things that i had worked so hard to make disappear
are chasing me now

so is it really so worth it?
to try to learn and do better
but to only end up never being able to even get past it?

Killing myself on carrot flesh as I lie sickly
in a cloud bed of pollution and distaste.
Man-made things.
All man-made things.

i have racked my mind
trying to figure this whole thing out
the staying, the going
the threads we claim hold us here
& the people who've stopped to play a tune on them
i sometimes relate it
to waking up in waist deep snow
in our former selves
the us we wish we could give one another
the children we've sat on the shelves
trapped, like the looks
we leave behind in snow globes
i sometimes imagine ships
dragging the bottom to the sea of "me"
for sleep & pieces of my old self
to sell to the new one
like history doesn't repeat itself
it gets me wondering
if you too want an apology from the rain
or if you dream of burning family photo albums
and wearing the ashes like perfume
if you're anything like me
how i hope god chokes
on memories of me blowing out candles as a child
i know i shouldn't reference my reader  
but don't you know, the only difference
between alone & lonely is you?
that if my hands could talk
the only thing they'd be able to say
is "dear god we've missed you"
and how can you tell me it isn't love
when even the rain refuses to fall
in places where i've kissed you
i remember the day
you found my smile at a yard sale
it reminds me of how you'll leave
i wonder if when you go
you'll tell yourself
the person in the rear view mirror
is closer than they appear

Nothing seems right
It's not supposed to make sense
But somehow it all fits together
The hurt the agony
But yet all that love and smiles--
Spinning, spinning
Twirling in this sea of words
As the rain crashes down and with each raindrop
A gunshot of words
Fired right for me
Piercing me through and through

Yet somehow we're still standing

You know all those songs you introduced me to?
All those songs we used to listen to together?
I still listen to them today
Even though you're long gone and I'm still stuck in the quicksand of our love.
It hurts, but it's okay.

The memories flood back to me and
I welcome them all wholeheartedly.
For it reminds me of better days
Where the blue from the oceans stood out more
The crimson hues of the sunsets painting your very being
Where your onyx eyes bore far away
Past me and our galaxies.

And I always asked you, 'what do you see?'
And although you never really told me I still thought it was perfect for it was so worthy of your attention.

Now that that's all over and you've blown yourself away like the sand on the rocks
I can't help but wonder though.
Amidst the waves you sailed away from me by
During the thunderstorms you know I sent you
Did you ever look back to me
To us?

Things have changed,
But for the better my dear.
We have learned from our mistakes,
Promised to change and the
Future
Blossoms with possibility and promise.

I'm so excited to see where we will go.